Chapter 4.

He had to leave. He just had too. He couldn't stay in there. He was barely aware of what he was doing or where he was going. He just blindly pushed his way past nurses and other patients and found himself in the hospital parking lot. He thought that he had heard someone shout his name as he made his way through the halls, but he hadn't stopped to look. Now he was just standing there. He couldn't remember where they had parked the car.

Guilt was rushing through him in wave after wave, crushing him, threatening to drown him. He was the cause. He was to blame. He had done this to Tony, to his own agent. To Tony who never had said anything and had just taken it. Gibbs even thought that he secretly liked the head slaps, because he perceived it as a way of appreciation. That had made Gibbs continue. Of course he had continued during all this time, because it had worked on Tony. It had been effective for the goal Gibbs had with them. But now. Now he didn't even know how to process the fact entirely that he had cause Tony harm by his actions.

Abuse the doctor had called it. He had never seen it like that, but he could understand the doctor's reaction, of course he could, because the doctor had the medical results of it. A brain bleed.

He didn't know what to do now, but he needed to get away from here. Right now he couldn't face it. He couldn't face the others. They would soon know that he had been the cause, he could imagine the looks they would give him. But mostly he couldn't face DiNozzo. How was he ever going to make it up to him, how was he ever going to apologies for giving him such grave injuries? He was the one who was supposed to protect him from harm, not inflict it. He had broken the ever loyal trust Tony always showed him.

He shouldn't have done it. And especially he shouldn't have done it today. Tony hadn't been okay, but he hadn't cared. How could he have not cared? It was his job to care. He didn't have to say that he did, but his actions should show it. Tony and the rest of his team should know it. That was all destroyed now. He had destoyed everything.

He found the car after walking around aimlessly for a while. He started driving, at first not knowing where he should go. He just couldn't go the office, so he decided to head home. He just needed a moment to clear his head and get over the worst of this. Then he had to decide what to do next. What would be the next step?

– NCIS –

A nurse stepped into his room and Tony ordered her to find Gibbs, or to at least to find his other colleagues, if she could. He didn't know if they still were at the hospital, or if they had left. It wasn't like he could go and find out, because his head was throbbing like crazy. He wasn't even sure if he would be able to stay upright at the moment, just laying like this was enough.

"Anthony?" Ducky stepped into his room a few minutes later. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay, Ducky. Where is Gibbs?"

"I'm not sure. He passed just passed us in the waiting room, but he didn't say anything. What happened Tony?"

"He left?"

"I'm not sure."

Tony got quiet. Did Gibbs really just leave the hospital? Why would he do that, just leave without talking to him or anyone?

"You got to find him Ducky!"

"What happened in here?"

Tony closed his eyes for a second debating what to tell the doctor, but then decided just to tell the truth.

"My doctor implied that it was Gibbs fault that I'm in here now, because of the head slaps. He just left after that. You need to get him back here. I want to talk to him."

Ducky was just standing there staring at him.

"Ducky? You okay?"

"I'm really sorry Anthony. I should have stopped it. I should have said or done something years ago. If I had just taken this seriously rather than approving it and actually implementing it myself once in a while, you wouldn't be here."

"What are you talking about? Ducky, it's not your fault. I don't blame you or Gibbs. I have myself to blame really, if we have to blame anyone. Now can you just get Gibbs."

"Anthony, don't you understand how serious this is?"

"I don't care."

"You really should."

"Yeah, but right now I want you to get Gibbs back here, can you do that or not. Otherwise can you get McGee or Ziva for me?"

He barely noticed that he was getting more and more worked up, but Ducky did, so he complied.

"I will see what I can do." He said and left. Tony tried to relax. He tried to sleep, but found that he couldn't so he opted for to just lay there and wait.

A while later there was a knock on the door and he looked up a bit more alert, but it was just Ziva, Abby and McGee standing there.

They all looked quite shocked, he knew why a moment later. "Ducky told us." McGee said. "He said that it is because of the head slaps." He carefully continued and sat down on a chair next to the bed. Abby sat down on his bed next to his feet. It looked like she was about to burst into tears again. Oh no, he didn't want to deal with that right now. He didn't want to have to comfort her and tell her everything was going to be okay, because for once he wasn't sure that it would be.

"I'm okay." Was all he said. He almost wished that they would leave. His head was hurting too much for him to be able be his normal self.

"It's not okay Tony!" Abby explained confirming his beliefs about her state of mind. "This is so not okay! It's the opposite of okay! Gibbs…Gibbs…he, oh god." The tears were in her eyes now. "He hurt you. How can you think that's okay."

"Abby…"

"No! When are you going to take yourself seriously, you can't just pretend that this is okay."

"Abby…please." He tried again. He really needed her to be quiet. It was starting to feel like something was about to burst inside his head. He just wanted it to stop, and Abby wasn't helping.

"Abby, maybe you should calm down." Ziva quietly said. "Are you alright Tony?" She asked him. He just shook his head the best he could. He didn't speak anymore after that. He knew that they were worried, but he just let them. A nurse came later and she upped his meds and he fell asleep shortly after that.

Gibbs didn't come. He waited and waited. He asked the other that came and went. Most of the time someone was there with him. They wouldn't give him any straight answers about where Gibbs was or when he was coming and it was frustrating. Mostly because he couldn't do anything about it. His head didn't get better, if anything it felt worse. They took him on different tests and examinations and gave him different medications that they said would help against different things. A day or two past. He wasn't really sure. The medications effected him more than he wanted them to, his thoughts got messy and difficult to keep track of.

He woke up and looked around the room. Gibbs wasn't there. He didn't really know why it felt so important that he spoke to Gibbs, but he just wanted to talk to him, tell him that it was okay. He didn't blame him. It was just a headache. He could manage. But Gibbs apparently didn't want to see him, or talk to him for that matter. He had even tried to call him himself before he fell asleep, but he wasn't picking up. Tony didn't know why. It was against the rules.

Ducky and McGee were in the room with him.

"Hi Tony." McGee greeted him.

"Hi." Tony mumbled. He felt weirdly sensitive, like he was about to burst into tears. What the hell was that about? They all small talked a bit and Tony just answered with one word sentences. Both McGee and Ducky looked so worried. McGee told him that Ziva was staying over with Abby, because apparently she was a mess. It was all his fault. He was the cause of everything. He was practically destroying the team.

"Anthony? Are you with us?" Ducky was saying suddenly.

Tony just looked at him for a second and then blurted it out.

"This is all my fault."

"It certainly isn't Anthony!" Ducky said forcefully.

"Yes, it is. Me and my stupid head. Gibbs is gone and it's my fault."

"Tony, my dear boy. Please listen to me when I tell you that nothing of this is your fault."

"But if I had just behaved and quit acting stupid, or all the comments, then he wouldn't have.."

"Stop Tony, and listen to yourself. You sound like an abused wife."

"I'm not…"

"Tony. It's Gibbs fault not yours!" McGee was saying suddenly. Until now he had been quiet and just listened with an open mouth. Tony had almost forgotten he was there, and now he felt embarrassed.

"Let's all just calm down a bit now. There is not good for you to get worked up my boy."

He just nodded and stayed quiet after that. An hour or so later a few doctors came into his room, they wanted to talk about his test results that were in. He allowed both Ducky and McGee to stay for the conversation.

That was when they told him that they wanted to open up his head. They wanted to drill a hole and do a surgical drainage. He just laid there in bed and listened to them talking. It was like it was decided already. It was going to happen soon. They told him about how they were going to do it, and about complications that might arise and about the risks of neurological problems. It was like his head hurt more just by hearing about it. They said it was important that they did that, so he nodded at everything, while his heart was beating hard in his chest. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want people to drill in his head. He didn't want to have convulsions, or amnesia, sleep problems or suffer from anxiety or headaches, which all were possible side effects. It was all hard to take in.

He was already scheduled for the surgery. If he didn't get worse suddenly it would happen later that day. After the doctors left he just stared up into the ceiling trying to make sense of it all. Trying to take in what was actually going to happen.

"Everything is going to be fine Tony." Ducky comforted him and patted his shoulder. He nodded.

"They will take good care of you, and before you know it you will be back to your healthy self." He nodded again. What else was he going to do? He was blinking slowly, tears were almost threatening to fall.

Ducky and McGee called the others and told them the news. They were all coming to see him before his operation.

"Did you call Gibbs too?" He asked and watched Ducky and McGee exchange a look between them. "What?"

"Eh…he…he didn't answer Tony. But I left him a voicemail. I'm sure that he will be here when he hears it."

"What if it won't be in time?" He asked Tim, feeling pretty pathetic, but he needed to know.

"Do you really want him here though, Tony?"

"Yes! I do." McGee just nodded and again exchanged a look with Ducky. McGee didn't answer his question and Ducky stared talking about the operation again, and asked if he had any questions. He didn't, really. He toned Ducky's voice out, in favor of thinking about what would happen to him if he actually did get any of the complications that could arise. What if he forgot who he was? What if he started to get seizures?

Ducky and McGee didn't seem to think that Gibbs should be there. They seemed angry at him. But Tony just couldn't be. Sure, it might be Gibbs' fault that he got the hematoma, but if he just had behaved and hadn't made all those jokes and stuff Gibbs wouldn't have needed to hit him that much, so really it was his own fault. So why couldn't Gibbs just come and support him right now. He wanted his support. He didn't know why he needed Gibbs to be there so badly, but he just wanted to talk to him before it happened. Because what if something bad did happened, what if he woke up and couldn't remember anything?

He also felt worried about Gibbs. This wasn't like him at all. What if he felt so guilty that he did something stupid? What if he resigned? No, he wouldn't do that. Right?

"What are you thinking Tony?" Ducky asked him.

"I don't get why he isn't here. I want him to." He confessed for Ducky.

"I'm sure he has his reasons."

"But why?"

"Anthony…."

"No! Where is he? Why would he leave in the first place? He said that he wouldn't. What if he does something stupid?"

"I'm sure he won't."

"How can you be sure? You didn't see him before. You need to find him! He needs to be here. I want to see him!"

"We have tried calling him. He is not picking up…"

"Then go to his house!"

Ducky nodded. "Timothy is on his way there now." He said. Tony felt himself start to relax a bit more after that. That was good. Good news. He hadn't even noticed when McGee left.

Maybe he could sleep some now. He asked Ducky if he could, and he said yes. He was asleep about three minutes later. Maybe Gibbs would be there when he woke up.

– NCIS –

Gibbs didn't know what to do when he got home either. He just sat down on his couch and went through in his head what had happened in the hospital once again. He thought about Tony's collapse. He thought about all the damn times that he had head slapped Tony. He thought about brain bleeds. And he thought about that everything was his damn fault. How could he have hurt Tony? The younger man was like a son to him, he truly was. Had he just lost his son? Lost his trust?

The answer to that question he felt was yes.

That was when he without thinking about it much walked down into the basement and poured himself a glass, and then downed it in on go. It didn't feel any better after that, so he did it again. And again. He wanted to not think for a minute. Not think about what he had done. About the horrible thing he had done.

His phone was buzzing, it was Ducky, but he didn't pick up. He just couldn't. Not yet. Later, he would deal with all later. They kept calling him. All of them. He couldn't get himself to answer. He felt like a mess. He didn't know what to tell them at the moment, so he thought it better to wait with talking to them.

Time past and he fell asleep some time and woke up on a chair in the basement. He almost jerked a bit when he remembered the previous day. He looked at his phone and saw a few missed calls and texts. Abby's texts where angry and upset. Ziva's were short and to the point. Where was he?

The day passed. He avoided everything for a while. He just needed some time.

Someone was knocking on his door. Then he heard footsteps and when he looked up, McGee was standing there.

"Boss."

"Tim."

"What are you doing?"

Gibbs didn't know if he meant right this moment, or if he referred to something else. Tim however didn't wait for him to answer before continuing. He seemed to be angry and upset.

"Why don't you answer your phone? What happened to never being unreachable?"

"I broke that rule."

Gibbs confession seemed to get McGee a bit of the course, but he soon collected himself.

"What are you doing here? Why won't you come to the hospital?"

"I didn't think that I would be wanted there. I did this Tim."

"It seems like you did, but you know what? Tony doesn't care. He doesn't blame you! He blames himself. Did you know that?"

Gibbs had to close his eyes. McGee continued.

"He says that he wishes that he hadn't done those things that made you slap him. And that means that he basically wishes he hadn't been himself. And him saying those things is because of what you are doing now, boss. You are avoiding him. I didn't think that of you." McGee stopped himself as if preparing himself.

"That you would act like a coward. That you wouldn't face what you did!" he said.

Gibbs just sat there and let McGee's words wash over him. He had actually never heard McGee speak up to him like this. It made him feel proud of how much Tim fought for Tony. That was the kind of man he wanted on his team. And McGee was right. What the hell was he doing getting drunk in his basement? What was he doing really? He was being a coward!

And what Tim was saying was terrible. Tony was blaming himself. When he thought about it, it wasn't that strange. He knew that Tony had trouble with his self-esteem. He did a good job with not letting it show, but apparently now it had.

"Are you going to say anything at all? Or are you just going to sit there? Keep avoiding him, when he needs you?"

"McGee…"

"I don't care. Do you even know why I'm here now?" McGee interrupted him.

"No."

"Tony is having surgery today. They are going to drill a hole in his head. He wants to see you before that."

Fear surged through Gibbs. Surgery! How had all of this happened really? It was hard to believe that it had turned out this serious all of a sudden. Yesterday they had been working on a case and today Tony would have brain surgery. And he wasn't there with him. Tony clearly wanted him there, and he wasn't there for him. What was he doing? Tony needed him.

He stood up and stepped over to McGee. "Thank you for coming Tim." He put a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "Let's go."

McGee stood there for a second gaping in surprise before he seemed to wake up and turn around and leading the way upstairs. He had probably been prepared for more. But he had gotten his message through.

They made the car ride back to the hospital in silence. McGee was driving. He had stared in shock as Gibbs tossed him the car keys. "Bourbon." Was all he said as an explanation.

Gibbs didn't hesitate when they walked towards Tony's hospital room, he really hoped that his absence hadn't done too much damage. Him being there might also do damage but for other reasons. In the car he had read the messages he had received once more.

At the moment he was prepared to do whatever it took to repair the damage he had done. Hopefully it wouldn't be too late.

– NCIS –

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thank you for all the reviews and for following! It means a lot that you take the time to write your thoughts. In this chapter they might be a bit out of character, but they are all in a new situation. Suggestions for what might be next? What do you want to see more of?