Tanabata 2009- My fanfic entry for the FLOL 2009 Tanabata competition.
Thia is a Two-Shot.
I hope you enjoy it!
Title: The Rain between us.
Chapter 1
"You know, you should just go to her."
Ichigo shifted his head at the words, turning his attention from the view of the apartment across from him to the petite blonde who had suddenly appeared at his side.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" he enquired, his brows furrowing deeper into their usual frown.
The girl ignored his harsh tones and settled next to him on the branch he was perched on, watching him as he leaned more comfortably into the bark at his back with all-knowing eyes.
"You've been awfully restless these last few weeks, Baldy...unable to even concentrate and I think even you know why that is. It's because you want to be there," she returned knowingly, her eyes going across to the area he had been watching only moments before, "and every day you can't, it seems to kill a little more of you. Tell me, if it hurts so much, why did you bother to walk away?"
It was a question they'd asked him time and time again and like all those times, his answer was the same: "To protect her from the rain."
"Tch," the girl returned, "then buy a fucking umbrella."
He sighed in response.
As always, they did not understand.
"Things aren't that fucking easy," he grumbled instead of voicing his thoughts. .
Hiyori stared at him, then promptly reached over and smacked him hard on the head.
"Ow! What the fuck was that for, bitch?"
"For being a fucking idiot, baldy," she returned, clearly annoyed, "Hiding your feelings isn't going to make her safer idiot... Neither is running away without any explanations. Besides, don't you think you should have given her the chance to decide? If this is fucking hard for you, don't you think it's hard on her too?"
Of course he knows he wanted to scream. How can he not when all he sees at nights, the moment he closes his eyes, is her face- the face kindly smiling at him in understanding even as tears spill to her cheeks? How can he not know this is hard for her too?
But what could he do?
He promised to get stronger to protect her and he would do it... even if it was in protecting her from him.
***
Blinking the memory of a few days ago out of his head, Ichigo sighed, his hazel brown eyes fastening on the apartment across from him.
They didn't understand.
He had to do this. This was the only way he could protect her.
Unlike them, he knew the misery of the rain; the cold wet desolation it represented and because he knew it firsthand, he didn't want it for her. She's too warm and full of life... too innocent... while the rain is the opposite. It tears down and destroys, washes away and corrupts... and his secret fear is that it will douse the light that is her; cool the warmth that draws people to her like moths to a flame. The things that made her who she is and so unique...
True she had been touched by the rain before. He recalled the first time he met her- a tiny frame almost invisible and burdened down by the weight of the bleeding mass on her back that he later found out was her brother. He recalled the rain, the storm that had battered her that night as she screamed for her brother...
Yet when he had met her again years later, she was like the sun, weather untouched by the rain except for occasional drizzles- drizzles that only made her seem brighter after each event, her light like the promise of the rainbows.
He recalled again the night her brother, or rather, the hollow he had become, had tried to kill her.
He had saved her but at the cost of her brother and he remembered all too clearly the look on her face... the tears she had spilled. It was the first of many that she would spill because of him but no more.
He was going to make sure that kind of rain never visited her life again- at least the type caused by him. He'd already caused enough pain.
His fingers clench as he recalled the incident more than a year ago- the attack on the town by the arrancars looking for him and her bloody, bruised and broken body... injuries she had gotten trying to protect them while he struggled with his inner demon; incapacitated and only able to watch as she was swatted away, watch as her body fell limply to the ground... his screams for her to stay away falling into the dark silence...
In the end, it had been Urahara and Yoruichi that had saved them. He hadn't been able to do anything and the guilt he felt at that had been exponentially compounded when he saw the extent of her injuries. The feeling on seeing her so injured, blood seeping through her bandages, was akin to the bottom dropping out of his world and to know he had been the reason...
If only he arrived faster...
If only he had been stronger...
If only...
His hands clenched tighter at the memory, his nails digging half moons in his palm.
He had done it again. He had rushed out to protect and in the end, it was he who had been protected again. If he was stronger, this wouldn't have happened again. He should have been the one protecting them... protecting her.
"Gomen ne, Kurosaki-kun. If…If I were only a little stronger…"
Her words echoed in his head again and he cringed.
It was not she who was weak. It was him. She shouldn't have had to fight. Her gentle spirit should not have been forced into battle. He should have been there...It was him who had failed, not her.
And yet, she hadn't blamed him…
Even as he wished she would scream at him, yell... curse him...blame him...she had not. Kami knew she did not deserve the things he brought into her life- the difficulties, injuries or the pain- and yet even with that, she never seemed to blame him, her smiles comforting, welcoming and always warm despite the pain, her worry for him surpassing even her concerns for herself...
He did not deserve someone like her in his life; he knew this clearly now.
He had nothing to give her but more pain. Yet selfishly, he had held on, telling himself he would get stronger- next time he would protect her so the rain need not ever fall on her again...
And then, despite all of that, she had almost died...all because of the changes he had brought to her life, the power he had awakened in her that had attracted danger...
Images flitted across his mind now- Yamamoto Soutai-chou's declaration of her as a traitor, seeing her for the first time in Hueco Mundo, his subsequent fight with Grimmjow and the things he had insinuated, the appearance of Nnoitora and Tesla, their abuse of her... Stark's appearance and her disappearance with him... Ulquiorra with her in the tower... those girls...
...Him...
Seeing the destruction he had wreaked while in that form, it had been a sobering blow. Yet he thought he could handle it. To stay by her side he would have done anything so told himself he would train again, suppress those instincts, bury them so far in the deepest recesses of his soul, it would never be able to come out. Then he wouldn't have to leave her. He had even set to the task as soon as he returned and the war had been resolved. Yet, like was seemingly characteristic of his life story, life had thrown him yet another loop... and just when he thought his life had settled.
Things had just been beginning to look up- they had just celebrated their six month anniversary and were coming home from a movie. A random group of newly evolved but strong arrancars had shown up and suddenly the night had just gone downhill. What had been a beautiful night ended in something that he would rather forget- a night bathed in her blood.
Seeing her unconscious, her blood staining his clothes, his hands... her not breathing, heartbeat so shallow because of the gaping hole in her chest- there were no words to describe the horror he had felt filling him as he screamed her name, begged and pleaded with her not to leave him ...
In his heart, he knew then he would not be able to hold on to her because he was the dark cloud in her life. He was the bringer of the rain he wanted to protect her from and that's when he made his decision... to spare her from the rain, he would walk away. She would be safe and in time, she would forget him. She would move on... and he could walk away.
Or so he had told himself.
Che... If it was easy as that, a voice mocked in his head, why the fuck are you out here watching her for the eighth night in a row, unable to move forward and so fucking reluctant to turn and go? Because you can't... can you? You can't help being here in almost the same way you can't help worrying about her and protecting her even now... you just can't walk away, can you?.
Was it guilt, he wondered now, that kept him going back?
Perhaps, he admitted to himself. Or perhaps it was more.
It was like an obsession... this need that ate at him to be by her side, a compulsion -
"I can't help the way my whole soul seems to want to reach out to her even now..."
He sighed.
It's alright though, he assures himself now rising to go. As long as she was safe, all this suffering would have been worth it and he would be content with just that.
He turned to go and, as if to mock him, the skies that had been covered in dark clouds all day suddenly decided to release their burden. The drips started slowly at first, a sentient prelude to the disaster to follow and before he could even jump from his perch to the next roof, it was falling so heavily he was already half-drenched.
Turning, he let himself pause for a moment and just watch the heavy downpour as it fell around him.
It was a poignant masterpiece, he reflected then as he watched- destruction and renewal in one masterful art piece. He was sure somewhere an artist was looking on in delight at the heavy curtain of water drenching everything, enticing mixed debris and garbage from surrendering corners, the greying clouds looking like a bunch of old men weeping for lost things and trinkets washed away by their own tears.
Over the sound of the rain, his ears suddenly picked out the sound of sliding doors. He turned his head, following the sound and suddenly there she was, standing outside on the balcony he had been watching for the last eight nights.
His heart swelled painfully in relief – she was awake!- and, almost forgetting his promise to stay away, he found himself standing up, ready to go to her, chastise her - What was she thinking coming out in the rain dressed like that? At this rate, she was going to get sick...didn't she realise she had to take care of herself? Mou...-
Just as he took the first few steps to do just that however, his eyes suddenly take note of the air around her, the way her arms were hugging herself....The lonely image she presented at that moment drove a stake through his heart. He could almost see the waves of sadness pouring off her and his arms burned with the need to wrap around her and ease that feeling...
A feeling you caused, the voice bit back.
His fists clenched at his side and he resolutely set himself in the direction to go. As he does so, a noise echoes in the quiet; a sad and wistful sound that passes softly from her barely parted candy pink lips and, impossibly the sound reaches him over the sounds of the rain and the wind. The wind sweeps by, carrying the sound to his ears, throwing her hair behind her in its wake- a messy auburn stream that fans out and billows around her despite its wet state. He watched, enticed, as her eyes fluttered close the next moment and fancies that even this far, he can see the way her long eyelashes fan her cheeks at the action and the way her candy pink lips curl up slightly into a tiny smile.
So beautiful... always so beautiful...
The wind died down, leaving her hair tangled and all over the place, wet and sticking to her face and as she lifted a hand to move them, he saw it - the tears that had been invisible due to the rain.
His gut clenched painfully at the discovery, the force to keep himself where he was almost overwhelming.
Inoue...
It's hellish to resist the overwhelming desire to comfort her but he knows he cannot go.
He can't allow himself to go.
"I don't deserve her. I never have... I've done nothing in this lifetime to be worthy of someone like her... and being with her... it would only put her in more danger. Already it was because of me that she was hurt so badly...I can't...I can't put her in danger again...I can't let her get hurt again...I can't see her cry again- not because of me... it was better this way."
He filled his mind with all the reasons he shouldn't go to her, his fingers drawing blood as she seemed to hug herself even tighter, her tears falling heavier, her pain an almost palpable thing to him.
This was the best thing to do, he argued with himself as he held himself firm. She would be fine without him. She would not be in danger and in time, she would move on and he would live his life without her. She would be safe and that would be enough...
His lips turned up in a grimace as his chin dropped.
Who was he kidding? It wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough. Wasn't that why he was always here? Because he could not bear being separated from her? Not having her in his life, he was nothing but an empty, colorless existence. She was his light, his reason for being, the color that lit up his world with just a smile... even her out of the world stories held so many vibrant shades in his world...
He would be nothing without her.
The trees whispered in his sorrow, fat droplets of rain hitting his face and trailing down his cheeks like the tears he could not cry as he lifted his face to the heavens.
Inoue...
Angling his face to accept the falling drops, he let his eyes close, hoping the rain would somehow soothe his tortured soul, willing it to wash away the grief in his heart, wishing it would dispel the images of Orihime's smile from his mind as easily as it dispelled the heat.
But the memories stayed firm and when he re-opened his eyes, the hazel-brown orbs were now dark pools of black with pale amber irises.
"Because of this... because of this, I can't... I can't be with you, Orihime... so please, just forget me."
"Ichigo..."
Her broken cry of his name echoed in the quiet of his thoughts, breaking him even more as he watched her slide to the ground hugging her knees. It's more than he can stand and in that moment, it takes everything he has to stop himself from going to her, pulling her up to stand, and wiping away the tears leaking from her eyes. It's a moment he fancies is worse than being impaled and the effort to stay firm causes blood to drip from his palms. The wounds sting in the anger of the rain but the pain in his hands is nothing like the one in his heart.
He watches her for a few more unbearable minutes, watching as she sobs until she seems to have no more tears left, her thin shoulders shaking... He watches, his heart shattering quietly under the weight she bears on her shoulders as finally pulls herself from the ground- a frail, vulnerable girl that is nothing like the vibrant life he knows- and disappears inside again and only then does he let the rein on his emotions slip just a little and a single tear escapes his darkened eyes. It rolls down his cheeks, and slips off his chin. It melds in with the tears from the sky and shatters into a thousand pieces on the hard unforgiving asphalt beneath him like the pieces of his heart.
When she finally pushes herself up, drained and soaked, a small bit of the tightly wound tension in his body slips away. He cannot push himself to go with it however and even two hours later, he is still there. He just needs to see her, he tells himself...make sure she is alright... and then he'll go... He just had to know she was okay.
He enters the apartment quietly and his heart slams into his chest as he sees she has fallen asleep- she's cried herself to sleep rather from the tear streaks in her face- in the couch- in a rather uncomfortable position- curled into herself in one corner of the single seat. She had obviously changed into another of his shirts but her hair covered the sleeves in wet curly tendrils still.
Foolish girl...
His fingers reach out with a mind of their own to stroke her hair, pushing the still wet and softly curling bangs out of her face before moving to trace down the contour of her cheek, following the hollows and ridges, the velvet of her skin, drawing a picture in his mind with every movement, imprinting it into his heart, in his soul so that he wouldn't forget.
His fingers hovered next to her lips but, without words, he simply let them fall away, curling into tight fists briefly before he reached down and lifted her into his arms.
She didn't budge except to sigh and cuddle closer to his warmth and he stopped, staring down at her. She looked so peaceful … her face beautifully serene with sleep, tranquil despite the evidence of her tears, and filled with so much trust…
He shivered.
If only she knew what kind of monster he really was, what kind of man it was that held her close, keeping her warm.
A monster that had killed (albeit to protect her)… and would probably kill again even without that incentive...An abomination to be hunted down...
Yet, she laid there, all trust and innocence in his arms without a second thought to her own safety.
Do you know? he wondered at her sleeping form curled up against him now, do you have any idea what you do to me? You're my strength and my weakness, my downfall and my redemption...You make me human.... My heart, my soul... my being belongs to you. Only to you... and yet....
He squeezed her to him, revelling in the warmth of her body against his in the brief contact.
I can't lose you....
"Forget about me," he whispered softly to her then, the words almost inaudible in the quiet, "Please forget about me and walk away, Orihime," Let me walk away, "Do it quickly... because if you don't let me go, Orihime, I can't...," I won't be able to let you go.
Her only response was the tightening of her fingers in his clothes.
Inoue...Orihime... my Hime...only mine...
He kissed the top of her head, inhaling the scent of her hair.
For that one moment as he inhaled, he let himself relax for the first time in months. He let himself forget about the demon in him, the arrancars hunting him, the pain and the damage he's caused... the danger... and let himself just indulge for a while. He allows himself to want for the first time in a long time, to reminisce on his desires.
Closing his eyes, he breathed in again, inhaling the sweet familiarity of her unique smell and let it wash over him... calming him.
I want to stay with you, his heart bled in the quiet. I wish I could take away the pain but I can't even do that... I can only make it worse... Even as I hold you close, I know I have to pull away- I have to let you go to keep you safe...and I will, even if it tears me apart...
He presses another kiss to her hair. Another gentle kiss traces her brow and then he is walking with practiced ease to the bedroom he's had so many good memories in- memories of them lying on the bed in the middle of all the homework still to be done as they laugh about her strange fetish for cute and weird looking socks, or later on, him just listening to her stories, being a sounding board for her latest food concoction...
The images beat at his already battered existence as he lays her down and tugs the blankets around her. As he pulls her clenched fingers from his shirt however, she twists in her sleep and the words she utters at that moment cut through him worse than anything else.
"Ichigo... don't go... Please don't leave..."
His eyes close and he forces himself to gently un-pry her fingers and tucks them under the sheet as well, forcing himself to let go when all he wants to do is hold on.
When he re-opens them, a single tear is rolling down her pale cheeks.
In an uncharacteristic move, he reaches up and lets the pad of his finger trace the path, feeling regret fall like heavy lead in his stomach. Another teardrop appeared, teetered and then fell as well, following the path of his finger, dampening it as they met on the spot he had paused at on her cheek.
"Gomen," he whispers before his hand falls away for the final time, and then he is up and striding away, walking away from the one person who meant the world to him, his bearing suddenly a whole lot heavier than it had been before.
"Sayonara... Orihime."
***
A/N: I know its a litte sad but have no fear. Turn to the next chapter!