I didn't know what I was doing or even where I was going. I was vaguely aware of the nurses ushering around me, but I felt like walking through honey.

Nothing could have ever prepared me to feel such panic, that all-consuming anxiety that threatened to burn me from the inside out. Not even the second stage of initiation or my father managed to do that to me, because I knew I´d get out of there. But I couldn't get out of this one.

I had somehow picked up the damn folder and communicated to someone that I´d be home for the rest of the day.

So now I was walking towards my flat, still feeling like I´d been paralyzed, when I ran into someone, successfully dropping the folder.

I hurried to pick it up, but that someone beat me to it.

"A? Hey, Amie? Are you alright?" a familiar voice called me, making me snap up my head. James, my Ex-boyfriend stood beside my still crouching frame, offering me a hand to help me up.

"Huh? Yeah, yeah. Everything is alright." I stood up and went to grab the folder to turned around and walk away, but he grabbed my hand, stopping me.

"I mean it. Did something happen to you? Should I call someone?" he continued asking.

I pulled my hand away from him. I still haven't forgotten how he treated me, when we broke up. Just because I was a forgiving person and I didn't hold a grudge over it, meant that I wanted to be anywhere near him.

"I am fine. Not that it's any of your concern." I brushed him off, before walking the short way that was left to the apartment, slamming the door behind me and sinking to the floor.

I thought about the possibility of me being pregnant. I mean what are the odds?

That one time I actually sleep with someone, my otherwise perfect safety net was practically non-existent. Except if the flu vaccination was somehow able to prevent fertilization.

I snorted. Would certainly seem like Erudite to invent something unnecessary like that.

But I couldn't be pregnant. I just couldn't.

I would have to tell everyone who the father was…

Damn. Not only would my brother disown me, he would kill Eric. Simply as that. And I didn't want to go see my brother in the factionless area or crying at his execution, just because I made a mistake.

Belle would be supportive. Without a question. Maybe she would even be happy about it.

But the rest of them?

Zeke shared my brother's feelings regarding Eric. Tris despised him on a deep level, but Christina hated him with all her heart. When he hung her above the chasm, just to prove a point, he signed a life-long treatment of utter hatred served to him by the former candor.

Uriah and Will didn't like him much either, but they could work with him, without it ending in threats or a shouting match. Not that Eric would ever do something as profane as that. Instead he would just glare and hiss.

Thinking about him had me wondering if he´d even want a family, ever. Maybe, one day… with a beautiful wife who was the epitome of dauntless, being the perfect, ruthless warrior and the loving, protective mother in one. She would be nothing like me.

She´d be rough, where I'm soft, feisty where I´m timid and above all beautiful, where I am average.

He´d never love me. If he´s even capable of loving.

And he would never want a child with the woman he only knows as stiff or the sister of his biggest nemesis.

And that's the point when I cracked. I started crying my eyes out, leaning against my apartment door for what felt like hours.

But it must have been only half an hour, when someone started pounding at my door.

"Amelia? Open the door please." I heard my brother´s voice from the other side.

I tried stifling my sobs, to not expose myself.

"Amy, I know you`re there. I heard you. Please open the door."

I must have been unsuccessful. But I stayed rooted in front of the door.

"I saw what happened in the hallway. Did he say something to you? Did he hurt you?! I´m going to kill that asshole." At that point I knew I had to calm him down.

"I´m fine, Toby. Really. I just need time for myself. James didn´t do anything. Please leave."

I heard a sigh and a thud that had me guessing that he´d leant his head against the door. "I don't want to leave you like this. Please open up.", but I knew I couldn't face him. Not like this.

Not after what I´d done to sabotage our relationship. I knew once he found out he wouldn't want anything to do with me so I stalled, knowing I could be wrong with thinking I was pregnant.

"I´m going to take a bath. I´ll see you at dinner." I called out to him, before making my way into my small bathroom.

I stripped out of my clothes, before turning on the water and standing to face the floor-to-ceiling mirror.

When I´d first arrived here I hadn't been able to look at myself for a long time, but I was slowly getting used to it. What I saw now wasn't really different from what I usually saw.

Average height, average weight. Breasts that were on the smaller side, being covered now by my long, curly hair. My hips were slim, my stomach flat and my skin white as ivory.

My back, that was once covered in scars, was now decorated with the most beautiful cherry tree I've ever seen. Soft pink blossoms managed to erase every trace my father and his belt left behind. The branches curled over my shoulders and ribs, just like my brother´s tattoo did to him.

Carved into the bark on my back was the number four. For my brother, the only one I considered family.

The longer I stared at myself, the more changes I could detect. How my hips had filled out a little, what I had already realized when I didn't fit into my jeans last night. Or how my breasts seemed to be swollen and my cheeks had a rosy hue to them.

I ripped myself away from these observations, turning off the water and getting into the tube.

At first I´d have to get myself a pregnancy test, to confirm or decline my worst fantasies.

I hadn't realized the shot wasn't a shot. It´s a side effect that women who got these shots, that usually work for 6 months, don't have their periods. And I haven't had mine since I got the shot two and a half months ago.

But it was still possible that it wasn't true. Just keep believing.

After I washed myself clean and got out of the tube, a wave of fatigue came over me. I managed to throw over a shirt that once belonged to Tobias, along with some panties, before crashing on my bed, throwing the blanket over me and falling asleep instantly.

I woke up in what felt like the middle of the night to a warm body cuddling against mine. Instantly recognizing the smell of roses and vanilla as my best friend`s perfume, I turned around, hugging her closer.

"Four told me something happened this morning. And that you refused to open the door. You told him you´d be there for dinner, but you weren´t. So like the perfect bestie I am I came to take care of whatever I need to, to make you happy again." Belle declared, while grabbing my hand.

I turned to face her. "This is not something you can fix, B. Erudite messed up the birth control shots. I might be… I might be pregnant." I managed to get out, before my eyes clouded over with tears.

Belle was too stunned for a good minute to reply.

"The fathers… He´s…?"

"Yeah, it could only be Eric's. And we both know he won't want it. Not even considering that my brother will disown me and my father will be proven right, that I am a slut, when words comes out that I got knocked up with a leader´s baby." After that I started to full-out bawling.

"Shhh… You don't know that he won't want to know your child. He´s pretty territorial after all. Your brother will always love you, no matter how big you fuck up. And your father, that no-good-for-anything asshole will get what he deserves for ever laying hand on you." She tried to calm me down. After the better of half an hour it worked and I started to once again fall asleep with the promise that at least one person in this city will be forever by my side.

When I woke up again, I found that I was surprisingly alone and that it was already quarter past ten.

I dressed in a pair of black legging and a comfortable sweater with the dauntless emblem on front, before making my way into the kitchen.

Not before long I heard the jiggling of keys, the front door opened and Belle came into view, carrying breakfast from the cafeteria in the one and a bag in her other hand.

Kicking the door shut, she made her way over to me, handing me food.

With a growling stomach I just yet realize, I´d missed 2 meals yesterday, so I opened the container and devoured breakfast.

"First of all you´re going to eat, which you´re already doing. That´s good. And secondly you will take this and follow the Instructions.", Belle declared, handing me the bag.

I looked at her tentative, before revealing the item inside it.

I grabbed the pregnancy test, staring at it, while anxiety threatened to consume me, quenching every ounce of appetite I had in my body.

She watched me calmly, before stating

"You have to have certainty."