A Time for Change

Things had settled back to normal after the meeting with our mysterious "friends" at the Sheldonian. It seemed that since then we had found the proper balance between work, school and having a life. Gradually the friends of Joan and Strange had started to drift back into their lives. On some evenings the house was nearly as boisterous as it had been before I was injured and almost foundered on alcoholism. Of course this meant that it was a challenge for me to find the quiet I needed to study. And their music wasn't by any means to my taste, but I was able to cope, if sometimes behind closed doors with my own music.

Routine was something that I had always taken comfort in and that was exactly what I developed. The prewar era house we were renting had, in addition to the three bedrooms, a living room and a dining room as well as a laundry room. So during the evenings I appropriated the laundry room and made it into a study room. While too close to all the noise, and having to share space with a washing machine, detergents and an ironing board, I was able to make it my refuge. The noise I overcame by bringing by record player and my music in. We had found a second-hand typewriter at a consignment shop which made doing papers easier. Those things combined with a desk and a comfortable chair and I was well pleased with my situation.

Robert spent most days during the week with his grandmother, who doted on him. As I had expected the boy was accepted by his grandparents as Joan's child, not as a bastard. Of course it was early days, but he seemed to be a normal child, inquisitive and cheerful. I was a little concerned that Joan might, because of the circumstances, be a little distant from the child but that was far from the case. She certainly was finding her way as a mother, as was to be expected with a first child, but the love between them was undeniable. As for myself I made a concerted effort to embrace him as if he were my own. To not show either of them in any way that I was unhappy that he was not the product of my own loins.

Jim Strange was probably the happiest that things were settling back to normal. He loved having people over for cards again but was perhaps happiest when Joan's friends were around. Not that I ever saw him make advances to any of them, I think he didn't want to upset Joan, he just liked their company. And he was great with Robert, acting as if he were an uncle, since the boy had yet to meet his real uncle, Sam, who was in Germany with the British Army.

Some nights I would take a short break from study by going into the kitchen and getting myself a beer from our old refrigerator. Often, instead of returning to my hideaway, I would just lean back on the counter, observing what was going on around me and think how fortunate I was. How different my life was now to what it had been before I had found that beaten young woman waiting in front of my little apartment.

Yet this was a period of domestic bliss that I knew was not going to last forever. From the very beginning Jim had made it clear that he was setting aside money to buy a place of his own. When that time came, unless we were able to either bring in more money, or reduce expenses, we would be hard pressed to stay here, as much as we enjoyed it. Fortunately I was getting within sight of graduation now. At the end of this term there would be only one more year to go, and hopefully we would be able to make it through. Anytime I talked about it Joan would always try to reassure me that her father would help, but that was something I would try to avoid at all costs.

The pain was excruciating, far worse than any of the times I had been injured. A different kind of pain, down deep in my stomach, it had awakened me from my sleep. I took some aspirin which was the strongest medication we had in the house. That had absolutely no effect on the pain which continued unabated. Both Joan and I were concerned as nothing we did had any effect at all. Finally, at her urging I had to give in and go to casualty at the hospital. There after waiting for some time a doctor gave me a shot which he hoped would give me some relief, otherwise "see you physician in the morning." Even that shot made no appreciable difference. Joan tried to comfort me, but the pain made me as prickly as I had ever been. I finally got up and resorted to getting in the chairs again. There was no point in keeping them awake with my misery. Finally at some point I evidently drifted off to sleep, only to wake up just as the sky was beginning to lighten in the east. The pain was still there in full cry, so I got up as quietly as I could got dressed, determined to go back to casualty. Despite my efforts I had awakened Joan, who sat up in the bed asking, "where are you going? come back to bed." "I'm going to go back to casualty, I can't sleep, and I've got to get some relief."

"want me to come with you?"

"It's not necessary, get some rest."

"call me and let me know what you find out. Or if I need to come down."

"Ok." And I left and headed down to casualty at the hospital. No sooner had I walked through the doors than I met Doctor Saunders who I knew from previous police work, dressed in surgical garb, walking down the hallway. He took one look at me, stopped and said, "what's the matter with you?" "I've been up all night, with a terrible pain in my stomach doctor, can you do something for me?" "Try the casualty."

"Came in the middle of the night, they gave me a shot, didn't do any good at all, can't you do something?"

"I'm on my way to surgery now, if you're here when I get back, I will take a look." And with that he walked off leaving me standing there. By now it was approaching eight o'clock, so I decided to take the casualties advice and see my regular doctor.

Fortunately I was the first person in to see my regular physician that morning, and it was only a brief wait before I was ushered back to see him. A few questions, some poking and prodding and he said I needed to see a specialist right away. He recommended Doctor Allan, an internal medicine specialist. So I hurried over to his office and once again was seen with only a little delay.

This Doctor was, as seems to be the norm with specialist, brusque and unsympathetic. But in short order he was able to deliver his diagnosis. "Hmm, Mister Morse, its my opinion what there are one or two possibilities for your problem. Either you have cancer of the stomach, or,….you have an ulcer."

To say the least I was floored by the thought of either possibility, neither of which had entered my mind. Of course cancer was the scariest prospect by far, but nobody that I knew of in my family had ever has an ulcer. "so Doctor what can we do about it?

"First, I will write you a prescription to have filled, directions will be on it. Secondly take some Mallox, those will give you some relief from the pain. Then I want you to meet me at casualty at the hospital tomorrow at noon. Do NOT eat or drink anything after midnight. That's important, I don't want anything on your stomach, understand? I'm going to stick a light down your throat and look around inside your stomach….in the meantime no drinking and no fried foods…..any questions?"

I could think of a million questions, none of which made sense at this point. So I thanked the doctor, went to the chemist where I had the prescription filled and bought some Mallox. Taking those two gave me almost immediate relief from the pain, so after calling Joan to let her know I was out of the doctor's office I went on to work. She had pressed hard to find out what the results had been, but I refused to be specific just saying he wanted to run some tests. I must admit that being told you may have cancer is a disquieting experience. That evening I followed Doctors orders even though I felt much better. But as much as I didn't want to do it, I had to tell Joan what the Doctor had said. As soon as I did, I wished I hadn't. I knew her to be compassionate yet strong, even so I was surprised how quickly the tears came. Even after all this time sometimes the depth of her caring still surprised me. She was determined that she was going with me the following day, and it took until breakfast for me to dissuade her. Even then I had to promise to call her as soon as the procedure was over.

The next morning I called in to the station and told them that I had a Doctor's appointment but that I hoped to be in after it was over. The rest of the morning I spent trying to stay busy. After what seemed to be an interminable wait, I was able to start towards the hospital. Funny the conflicting emotions you have at a time like this, on one hand you want to know, on the other you are afraid of the answer.

Doctor Allan, who seemed to be in inexcusably good spirits met me at the hospital and had me ushered into casualty. There he proceeded to tell me how the procedure would go. First a local numbing of the throat, then they were going to run this stainless-steel flexible tube down my throat. There were pincers on the end so he could get a sample if he wanted, and a light so he could see the inside of the stomach. He made it seem very matter of fact, but I had the urge to vomit.

So the nurse handed him the antithetic, which he applied, and we relaxed (or they did, I was far from relaxed) while it took effect. Then he told me to open my mouth and he proceeded to feed this thing down into my stomach. All the time my gag reflex was rebelling against procedure, but we held on. Fortunately it was only a minute or two that he had been looking around before he found the source of the problem. "Mister Morse, you have an ulcer. And the reason for the excruciating pain is that it had virtually healed up, before the muscles in the stomach spasmed and it burst." He and the nurse had a brief conversation about the records for the event before they got ready to conclude. "Would you like to take a look?"

I had no real desire but didn't want to be weak by not looking, so "certainly" he hand ne the head of the device and I could see immediately what he was talking about. The lining of the stomach showed up as a beautiful brilliant pink. The food particles were yellow, and then there was a large emerald green mass which was the ulcer. Having seen that I was more than satisfied and ready for the device to be removed.

Having removed the device the doctor simply questioned whether I had gotten his prescription filled and was taking the Mallox. Having answered that I had done both he proceeded to give me his medical advice. "To have an ulcer at your age is indicative that you may have trouble with them the rest of your life. Be very careful with fried foods, they will make a recurrence more likely. Lastly drink in moderation, that will help prevent recurrences as well, other than that if you have any more problems call me."

Of course I called Joan and told her the good news, she immediately started to ask me what the doctor said I could eat, what not to eat. Before the conversation was over, she was talking about putting me on a diet, so I decided to go to work.

I thought that with Doctor Allan's diagnosis the entire episode was over, but I was wrong. On the first day of the following month I got a bill from Doctor Saunders office for ten pounds for "consultation". To this day that is the only bill I have never paid.

-"So "you think that's the end of it, umm?"

"I think so, I'll take this prescription until it runs out in a fortnight"

"and then you're going to go back to your old way's I suppose."

I had no idea what she was driving at, I was already feeling better, the pain was gone, it appeared that if I took the medicine as directed everything should be alright. "I don't see any reason not to."

At that she exploded, "You don't see any reason not to! And why not! Didn't the doctor just tell you to change your diet and cut back on your drinking? What do you think you're going to do, go back to your old ways and just wait for the next attack? Maybe it won't be just an ulcer next time! didn't he tell you that you would likely always be susceptible to these problems!"

"I think you're being a little overly dramatic about this."

"And I used to think you were smarter than this."

"well, maybe I'm not!

"obviously you aren't! I'm going to go and pickup Robert from mom's, we can talk about this more when I get back."

I hated it when she did that, because I knew it wouldn't end well.

Sure enough she hadn't forgotten when she returned. I had hoped that given the time she would have moved on to some other more immediate topic, but I had failed to take a woman's mind into account. Like with most of our disagreements I really had to admit, if only to myself, that she was right. My only salvation was that I was able to say that I needed to study and retreat to my hideaway until bedtime. Strange had seen what was coming and decided that tonight would be a perfect evening to spend in the pub. Both of us, like rabbits hiding from a hawk only came out of hiding after both Joan and Robert were asleep.

When I came to the breakfast table the next morning, I found Joan already there. She was already changing my diet because of the ulcer. "What's this?"

"This, Detective Sergeant Morse… is your breakfast, and before you forget it… your medication is on the table as well." Out of the corner of my eye I could see that Strange had lifted the newspaper in front of his face. Whether to hide a grin or avoid being drawn into what he thought would be a difficult conversation was difficult to tell.

"Doesn't look very appetizing does it?" She gave me a withering look in response. "Regardless of how it looks, its what you need to start eating healthy, and by the way I'm going by the grocer so I can start preparing your lunch from now on." That was going a step too far for me, "oh, how do you think that's going to work, its not like I can carry a refrigerator with me all day."

"Don't be ridiculous, Dad has been carrying sandwiches every day for years, - in case you haven't noticed – and he hasn't keeled over yet. Although I'm not sure sandwiches is the right thing, maybe some cottage cheese or something" It seemed to me that this was a battle I wasn't going to win so I decided to go along with it, hopefully in a couple of weeks she would have moved on.

When I got to work that morning and walked into the station there was a note on my desk that the Inspector wanted to see me. I knocked on the door to his office and he beckoned me inside, motioning me to take a seat he waited until I took a sat down before he said anything to me. "How are you feeling?... Joanie told us you gave her a bit of a fright."

"I'm fine sir, just an partially healed ulcer, nothing to worry about." He was looking at me somewhat askance, as he felt around for his tobacco before packing his pipe. "Well Morse, I expect you may as well resign yourself to a bit of mothering….at least for a while"

"You can tell Mrs. Morse, thank you but that's really not necessary, I'll be fine." He seemed to find this outrageously funny, for him at least, pausing with match halfway to the bowl of his pipe. "Win?...no lad, Joan. She's going to see that you do everything by the numbers as the quack instructed. You should have seen the two of them last night when she came by to get the boy. Thick as thieves planning out your diet and how much you can be allowed to drink"

"I really don't think this is really worth it sir.

"you may not but she does, and take it from me…..this is a battle you aren't going to win…and if you fight too hard, you will have other battles to fight as well. She even warned me, her father, not to be letting you go astray in the pub at lunchtime. So now I've been dragged into it and I didn't do anything."

I suppose he figured I'd been warned so to my relief decided to move on. "now where are we on the Ferguson case?"

For the next fortnight it seemed to me that I, rather than Robert was the juvenile in the house. Even though I knew she meant well it got on my nerves. Not only had she changed the meals we had, but she was watching my alcohol consumption far too closely for my liking. Not only around the house but on the outside as well. Neither the Inspector nor Strange was willing to risk her wrath by having an extra pint with me. And if I wanted to stop at a pub after work on my own, she wanted to know where I had been. While not a very pleasant thing I had to tell myself that she was doing it for my own good.

The positive was that I hadn't had any more trouble with my stomach. A follow up visit with Doctor Allan showed that the ulcer had completely healed, however the Doctor did have one caution. I would likely have to continue monitoring my diet for the rest of my life. Otherwise I risked a relapse at any time. So I thanked him and resigned myself to more salads than I wanted and less ale than I wanted.

Like most couples married or not, over the next few months we settled into a mutually acceptable routine, and slowly the arguments declined. Almost without knowing it we were leading a "normal" life. Something which if you had asked me about before she turned up on my doorstep would have scared me to death. But as was our style they weren't meant to stay that way.

I was leaning against the kitchen counter drinking a beer as I tried to unwind from the day's mixture of boredom and mayhem. Joan was mixing up the tossed salad for dinner, something the voyeur in me never tired of watching. Robert was scooting on the floor marveling at some plastic blocks that someone had given Joan for him.

"I almost forgot my supervisor and I had a little talk today."

"Really?"

"she was asking me whether I would be interested in advancement"

"and are you? What would it mean?"

"Well we have very few full-time employees, most are volunteers, who sometimes don't stay very long."

"I understand that, so what kind of advancement are they talking about, and what would be involved if you decide to pursue it?"

"It means that I could probably go at least as far as a site manager. But, and it's a big but, if I want to pursue it I will have to take some training. That may involve some courses in somewhere other than Oxford, London most likely."

"Well how do you feel about that?"

"I'm not sure. I would like to move up, I enjoy the work and the money would come in handy, but I don't want to leave you and Robert either."

"Don't think we would run wild do you?" As soon as I said it, I knew I had stuck my foot in it, again. "Oh come on I was just teasing, we will be fine."

"Do you mind?, if you don't want me to I won't do it."

"Of course I don't mind, I want you to be successful at everything you do. And if this what you want then by all means do it."

"what would we do with Robert, I couldn't take him with me. And with your schedule….. I'd worry the whole time I was away."

"That's natural I suppose, but we can take good care of the boy. After all how long would it be, a week? Or would it be longer? Do you know yet when it will be?"

"I don't know exactly when they will be having the first course, probably in about a month. As I understand it the first class would be for a week. Then afterwards, if it works out, I don't know."

"Doesn't seem too difficult. Your mom would be happy to keep him during the day, and I'm used to watching him during the evening, when you have your friends over."

"I don't know, I've never left him alone overnight, I'll be worried."

"Don't be, it'll be fine. Now I'm going to set the table for dinner." Pleased that she had gotten a promotion for several reasons, the job seemed to suit her, and it was good to see that she was being recognized for her ability. And of course the money would come in handy, I hadn't foreseen the cost of raising a child, even though Joan remained reluctant to ask me to contribute anything financially. In addition Jim had made it clear that he intended to move into a place of his own as soon as he could afford it. And lastly, I had been wanting for some time to ask her to marry me. Of course I loved her but also because I wanted her to be taken care of if something happened to me. Now however didn't seem to be the time, I didn't want to intrude on her happiness a getting a promotion.

As she had predicted there would be a week-long training session in London during the first week in April. Of course she didn't have a thing to wear, so she had to rush out and buy new clothes. Fortunately she had friends who were happy to go with her, so I didn't get embroiled in that.

Her mom was very happy to keep Robert during the day as she was already doing and agreed that if I got called in during the night, I could bring him over. So we just had to wait for the Sunday afternoon when she had to leave. Of course she wanted to lay in enough food to last me for a month and fix several meals that I could just warm up. Perhaps she had forgotten that I had survived, at least in a manner of speaking, before she had turned up on my doorstep.

The big day arrived more quickly than I had expected, and I drove her to the train station surprised at her nervous chatter he entire way. As for myself I could only think that other than when I was in the hospital this would the only time, we had been apart since she had turned up at my apartment. And that the last time I had come to the station I had made a decision that had turned my life upside down. For the better to be sure but upside down.

We had given ourselves plenty of time to be sure we didn't have to rush, which of course meant that we had a lot of time on our hands. So she gave me all the last-minute instructions about how to care for the boy, instructions that were completely superfluous as we had just gone over them last evening, but I suppose it made her feel better. As for myself I began to experience a few pangs of insecurity. London was a long way away, and certainly there would be opportunities for the trainees to experience the night life that the city had to offer. Perhaps she would meet someone more interesting than a humble police sergeant. This was an unfamiliar notion for me, and I had to confess I didn't like it. Didn't like it at all.

The train was on time and when it came time to board, I carried her bag over to the carriage thinking this is as good a time as ever, she kissed Robert and I goodbye and started to enter the carriage when I stopped her. She turned with a look of surprise on her face, "what is it?" I put my hand on her arm to steady her as she stood there balanced on the step, "when you get back there is something, I would like for you to do for me.", "and what might that be?" "Joan, would you marry me?" I don't think she believed me at first, "what?" "marry me." By now the conductor was coming down the line closing the doors and I had to back away. She smiled and made the hand signal that she would call me. I picked the boy up and told him to wave at his momma, that she would be coming back soon, we watched for a few moments until the train started to pull out of the station then we turned and went back home.

The house seemed so empty when Robert and I got back from the train station. Strange wasn't there, off to who knows where, and it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop as they say. Periodically the noise from the fan motor on the refrigerator would break the silence. Annoying in a way yet also comforting as I needed it to last a little longer, at least long enough for me to save the money for a new unit. Otherwise I was just overwhelmed by how somber the place was without her. There was no humming in the kitchen as she worked at some little chore, nor her pop music on the radio, which I felt duty bound to complain about. The house already felt empty, and she probably hadn't even reached London yet.

The boy and I had our dinner, one of the several meals that she had prepared for me before she left. Afterwards I got him ready for bed after which I could have a beer, or two and listening to my music while I studied in preparation for classes the following day. Tonight I kept the volume on my music down so that if the phone rang, I would be sure to hear it. As the night wore on, I found myself glancing at the clock, wondering why she hadn't called. Certainly her train had arrived safely hours ago so what was keeping her? Despite my best efforts I found myself becoming more concerned as the night wore on.

Finally the phone rang and, in my haste, to reach for it I turned my beer over, spilling it over the corner of my desk. I tried to act as normal as possible while answering the phone, watching the beer run across my papers and drip onto the floor, hoping that it was her.

"Morse"

"Morse, Joan here, sorry I'm so late calling, how are you guys doing tonight? "

"ok, I've fed him and put him to bed, just sitting here studying"

"and having a few beers"

"maybe one…or two"

"or more?"

"Maybe,

"Morse, you know you have to watch that, haven't we talked about it?...did you eat? There was food in the fridge."

Figuring that a good offense was the best defense I tried to change the subject. "Of course I ate, and before you ask I ate tonight, it was very good…..I expected you to call earlier, did you have some trouble?"

"no, no trouble at all, Got my room, got settled in….met my roommate…she's a sweet girl from Manchester."

"That sounds nice"

"anyway after we got everything put away we went down to the lounge to see if any of the others were there, there was a band playing and we had a drink, met a few more of the trainees…..it was fun."

"I guess you have been too busy to think about my proposal this afternoon"

"No, I've given it quite a bit of thought actually. So Morse, after all this time that we have been together, and we've known each other long before that, I never thought you would ask me to marry you, why now?

"Your son needs a father"

"Come on that's not enough, and I don't think that that's all of it. After all you have already given him your name"

"That's not enough?"

"Do you really think I would settle just for that, after all bastard sons are a part of this country going back, oh probably before it was a country "

"Is that what you want for Robert? it's not what I want for you."

"No, but I will settle for that rather than marry a man who doesn't love me with all his heart"

"How, my god ,…. can you really think I don't care for you?...care deeply for you with all my heart?"

"No, because I know you do. But that's not the same as love is it?...If I was there could you look me in the eye and tell me you love me?"

I had no idea how to answer her right off, I certainly thought I loved her, but did I? and while I was framing my reply, she ended it, for now anyway.

"It's getting late, I'm tired and we have a full schedule tomorrow. Kiss Robert goodnight for me….. and Endeavour,…think seriously about what I asked you, if you have ANY doubt about whether you truly love me, marriage isn't the answer."

"but.."

"think about it and we will talk tomorrow, or whenever you are ready, you have my number, remember I will be in class from 9 until at least 5. Goodnight"

The dial tone on the phone line told me that she had hung up. Beer was dripping onto the floor, so I had to go and get a cloth and wipe it up, do something to prevent a sticky mess on the floor. This happened to be the perfect time for Strange to come in from what, by the looks of it, had been an enthusiastic night on the town. He proceeded to give me grief about being a sloppy drinker until he grew tired of my lack of response. Seeing there was no profit by continuing to harangue me he decided to call it a night. As he was leaving for his room however he told me that there was something we needed to discuss in the morning. "Great" I thought the perfect end to the perfect evening.

Finally finished cleaning up I decided to call it a night myself. But it wasn't the easiest nights sleep I'd ever had. Even the effect of the beer that I had drunk couldn't prevent me from replaying the conversation that Joan and I had. As she had told me on several occasions, I was the champion overthinker of the entire country. If so, I did myself proud this evening. I must have analyzed that conversation from every conceivable angle. Then I would rotate it ninety degrees and do it again. As a bonus when I wasn't doing that, I would think about her in the bar, with loud music and a bunch of lecherous old men on the prowl. It brought back memories of her dancing with Peter Jakes in the Moonlight Room. Jakes of the roaming hands, right there on the dance floor. And how much I wanted her to slap his face, but how she just moved his hand to a more appropriate spot. I don't know when I finally fell asleep, but it seemed as if I had just closed my eyes when the alarm went off.

The alarm had been set for a bit earlier than normal because I wanted to have plenty of time to get Robert fed, dressed and ready before taking him to his grandmothers. Even so it didn't take me very long to discover how little I knew about the matter. From how to prepare his food, to how to coax him into eating to getting him dressed, everything seemed to be far more complicated than I had imagined. Even when we started out for grandma's I had to go back for something I had forgotten. Joan had gotten to the point of making it look so effortless, that I had mistakenly assumed it was. Another reason that I would be glad when she returned.

Strange seeing me struggling had not brought up whatever it was he wanted to talk about, just said we could talk about it later. That he would see me at the station. I barely got to the Thursday's home in time to drop Robert off and get to the bus stop in time. As I rushed along, I felt that getting to work would be a relief. There I would be in my comfort zone. No diapers, no bibs, no irritable babies, just murder and mayhem.

It seems that humans can adapt to almost any situation, given enough time. As the week wore on, with Mrs. Thursday's help I was almost beginning to get the hang of caring for Robert. Even so I suppose he missed his mothers touch, much gentler and comforting than mine could ever be. When I had finished the meals that Joan had prepared for us before she left, I reverted to the habits I had developed during my days of living alone. I would grab whatever was handy and then drink my calories while I studied. Joan would call every night to check on us, although I suppose it was more to make sure Robert was ok. We would talk about her day more than mine I suppose. For really the first time in my life I found myself feeling jealous. If she called early, I wondered where she was going after we talked. If she called later, I wondered what she had been doing, and with who.

One evening Strange told me over dinner that he would likely be moving out soon. That he had found a nice, affordable little house in a neighborhood not far from the station. A quiet neighborhood, but with a lot of younger people moving in. He was somewhat apologetic because he knew that we could use the money he contributed to the rent but sharing a place really wasn't his style. Right now he doesn't know exactly when he will be moving, although he hopes for the first of the month. While not unexpected it was still a bit of a shock. It seemed like every time we can take a step forward, something always comes up to knock us back. I decide that there is no point telling Joan about it until after she returns after all there is nothing, she can do about it. In the meantime I need to consider whether we can afford to stay here without taking in another roommate. Of course that's not exclusively my decision, when she got back, we could make that decision. Of course that wasn't the only decision that had to be made when she got back.

Friday morning was even more hectic than the rest of the week had been. I was starting to get the hang of getting Robert ready to take to his grandparents in a reasonably timely manner. But this morning there was the extra complication of cleaning the place up. It wouldn't do to leave any evidence of slacking off when she was gone. Certainly there could be no evidence of alcohol being consumed in greater than normal quantities. Knowing she would look in the trash, I got up early enough to go several doors down and add it to my neighbor's abundant collection of bottles. Then its off to take Robert to his grandparents, Win suggests that I leave him with her when I go to meet Joan at the station. That way we will have time for a catchup and can have dinner with them before taking him home with us.

If Thursday had thought I was a clock-watcher before that afternoon I probably set a record of some sort. According to the schedule I would have plenty of time to get to the station before her. But I wanted to be certain that I was there when the train arrived. Over the time I had known her Joan and I had been apart for months on more than a few occasions, yet now I recognize how much I missed her after just a week. Is that telling me that I love her? I don't know, I never have truly known what love feels like.

I find a spot on the platform so that I can see the train as soon as it begins to pull into the station. Of course I have no way of knowing what carriage she will be on, but that's fine, I can go to the correct car once I see her. You would think as many stakeouts as I had done it would have taught me patience, but evidently not. It seemed like an eternity before the announcement of the train was made. Like all the others waiting I rose and pressed forward toward the edge of the platform yet keeping a safe distance from the edge. First the engines went by then the first of the cars, more and more cars with no sign of her until I began to think perhaps, she had some reason taken a later train. The train came to a stop and I turned to walk down to the last carriage just in case she was on one of those cars. It was then that I saw her stepping down, several cars ahead of me. Looking ahead she noticed me almost as soon I did her. Her face lit up with that smile that I wanted to spend the rest of my life looking at. She gathered up her bag and hurried toward me while I went to meet her halfway. When we met, she embraced me with her free arm and gave me a kiss on the lips much to my embarrassment. I heard somebody, it must have been me, say "welcome home, I've missed you." I took her bag and she linked her arm in mine as we walked towards the carpark.

During the ride towards her parents' house she told me all about her week in London. How exciting she had found it, and how motivated she was to pursue social work as her career. One of the things she had recognized was that she needed to pursue more formal education to reach her goals. Perhaps once I graduated, we would be able to afford for her to do so. While I was all in favor of her advancing her career, I had to question what this would do to our lives together. Robert would be getting older and would be less of a problem, but if she agreed to marry me than what? Could we have a child or children of our own while she pursued her career? Suppose I decided to leave Thames Valley for another job, what about her career, for that matter what about us? All off a sudden life seemed to be so complicated.

When we arrived at her parent's house, Win brought Robert out to meet his mom. The Inspector and I stood back and watched the little reunion as Win handed Robert to his mother before he ushered us inside.

The evening went well I thought, in a way it reminded me so much of my early days as the Inspectors bagman. A loving family, comfortable with each other, the very atmosphere exuding the love they had for each other. Any negativity about Joan having her child out of wedlock had apparently if not forgotten, at least forgiven. The child being welcomed to the bosom of the family, doted on by his grandparents. I was content to sit and bask in the warmth of the love radiating throughout the room. The Inspector and I retiring to the living room for an after-dinner drink, leaving the women to catchup and well do whatever it is women do. Soon enough it was time to go home and get the boys head down. I must confess that I was ready for bed as well.

"I've been waiting for you to ask me what my answer is?"

"I figured you would in your own time."

"Would you be upset if I asked you to wait a bit?"

"Wait? What on earth for?"

"Let me rephrase that. As to whether I will marry you the answer is yes, I will. But….."

"But?"

"Can we not set a date just yet? Let's get you through school, see how things are then we can set a date. Is that too much to ask?"

"I don't suppose I have much choice now do I?"

"It will be for the best you'll see, trust me."