Part 4: The Song

A band's success depends almost entirely on their look, but so they have something to keep themselves occupied while people look at them, many bands decide to perform music. A successful song needs to combine the elements of good musicality with lyrics that resonate with the listener, or failing that, can be danced to. Such a task leads us to the following unfortunate story...

'Spectacular news!' yelled James, running so quickly into the common room that he didn't come to a stop until he collided with Peter and knocked him into the fireplace.

'James, we haven't seen you in a week,' said Remus. 'And haven't heard you in four days. During the week we heard someone scream "YOU JUST GOT POTTER'D" followed by a person being thrown in the lake, so we assumed that was you.'

'Correct. Also, I have written all our songs.' James proudly held up several pieces of parchment.

'Well that's great, but I thought we'd write them together,' said Remus. 'I wrote a rather haunting ballad about what it means to be an outcast in society, and the endless quest to find the one who will accept you for who you truly are.'

'Lame,' advised James. 'I'm the songwriter here, so everyone will need to learn My Boggart is You and I Apart.'

'I'll be honest, that doesn't sound as bad as I thought it would be,' responded Remus.

'That's the B-side. The A-side is My Patronus is You and I Doing It.'

'That's exactly as bad as I thought it would be.'

'Well if you don't like those, I've got a whole list of song names.' James once again waved the pieces of parchment.

'Names?' asked Remus. 'How many full songs have you written?'

'Don't question the creative process, Plasma!' yelled James, throwing Peter into the fireplace for no reason.

'Very well. List your songs and I'll tell you if I like them,' said Remus.

'Your Parents Made a Whore-crux.'

'No.'

'N.E.W.S – Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Sex.'

'Absolutely not.'

'When I'm With You, I'm Harder Than a Potions Exam.'

'Awful.'

'You Can Be the Core of my Wand. You get a solo in that one.'

'I'm not sure what that title means, and no. Those are all incredibly inappropriate.'

'Well that's okay. I only wrote one full song anyway so we'll have to play that,' said James.

'If it's up to the same high standard as those other songs, I'm leaving the band,' replied Remus.

'It's a love song, about taking your special somebody on a journey of deep romance and self-discovery.'

'Well that doesn't sound too bad...' spoke Remus, hopefully.

'It's called My Pants are a Portkey.'

'I'm leaving the band.'

'You can't leave the band, Plasma. I just got you a bass.'

'A bass? You bought me a bass?'

'I...acquired you a bass. Just be happy about it and ignore the blood stains. Sirius, I stole you this lead guitar.'

James held up a guitar, with an arm still attached to it.

'I don't even know how to play that,' replied Sirius. 'Which end do I blow into?'

'Both...or something,' said James. 'I will, of course, be taking vocals. And just in case we ever have a fourth person-'

'Peter,' added Remus.

'Gesundheit. Just in case we have a fourth person join the band, I have a drum kit. Someone told me you need sticks to play, but if you blow into the side it should sound fine.'

'Peter,' added Remus, pointlessly.

'I shall burn you with a fire that melts your very soul,' said Peter, to no one in particular.

'Then it's settled,' said James conclusively.

'Hooray!' yelled Sirius, halfway through eating his complimentary arm.

'Oh Sirius, you're so broodingly handsome I think I could explode.'

James ran from the room, as Remus organised to either join another band or get expelled from school.

With The Four-auders going from strength to strength, it seemed as though nothing could stop them, provided they weren't required to perform music. But every band has internal conflict, and the conflict rising up within the group was set to erupt in a sea of sea water and conflict. Next time, the band encounter their arch-nemesis, and I'm not just talking about the ability to play in tune.