Chapter 4

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Put out that smoke and breathe some air
Get a new name and cut your hair

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I wake up early, my body screaming at me in dull aches and throbs. Today I have to walk to Hogsmeade, apparate to the platform nine-and-three-quarters and then ride in a train full of screaming teenagers, all the way back here.

In real honesty, I'm as excited for it as any first year would be. I wouldn't be surprised if the blur of nostalgia made me pass out.

It's not an all that happy thing. It's bittersweet.

And not only will I have those feelings to deal with, but last night's events may cause internal problems for me, and I'm not talking about any hangover. There are enough potions for that.

I remember most of it, I wasn't that drunk. I can only pray that she was so wasted that she had no idea what she was doing, or the faintest memory of it this morning. It'll just save the embarrassment on both sides.

After all, she made it plain that she wanted to be my friend.

It was said in all genuine politeness, and consideration of my feelings, and it attracts me to her slightly. Damn, this is unfortunate.

I gather my things, and get dressed. I'll go eat breakfast with everyone before I leave.

The staff greets me as usual when I appear in the dining hall, salutations ranging from utterly pleasant, to uncomfortably scornful. Janet meets my eyes, and she smiles nicely and nods her head. I'm brave enough to take the seat next to her and smile.

"How was your sleep?" I ask.

An almost-alarming flicker of something like rue is quickly replaced by passiveness on her face.

"Oh, I slept," she says vaguely with a revealing smirk. I find myself on the verge of suspicion, even though her expression remains sincere. Perhaps she's joking.

"That's as good as anything," I reply. For the next five minutes, I talk idly to Flitwick about students and things like that. Janet turns toward me after a pause.

"Will you be busy this afternoon? I was hoping you could show me around the grounds," she asks. I'm beginning to think she doesn't remember much from last night, or maybe she is just outstandingly forgiving, or maybe she's dim or something.

Oh, she's not dim.

I feel sort of disappointed informing her of my task today. I think I see disappointment in response, but I am smitten, and that makes my senses inaccurate.

"Next time, I suppose," she says with a small smile.

"Once the students come along, you'll be very busy, dear. But then it will calm down, and there'll be plenty of free time then," cuts in Sprout. I clear my throat uncomfortably.

"Good," I hear her say contentedly.

I'm just so confused about everything. Her mirth in regards to our company blinds me, and especially after our conversation on the stairwell, I don't know what to think.

Well then. That sounded smallishly akin to hope. I must squash this hope. It is false and has an emotional consequence. Complications I just don't need.

I stand up when I'm done. "You must excuse me - I have the Hogwarts Express to catch for the eighth time in my life," I announce. Dumbledore laughs.

"I owe you a favor, Remus," he says.

"No need," I reply, and wave goodbye to everyone, shamelessly avoiding Janet's regard.

I meet Filch at the front gates of Hogwarts grounds and he lets me out grumbling and mumbling all the while.

In a flash and a jumble I find myself in front of the steaming train. I'm early; the train doesn't leave for another hour, but I was anxious to get out from that dining room and all of its nerve-splitting occupants.

I get on, find a cubicle, and fall asleep.

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I stir first because of how suddenly cold it gets. It stings, like ice biting at my skin. I feel like vomiting, and I doubt and depression grips me unexpectedly, and so quick. My eyes creep open and it's dark, and there are dark figures.

Dementors.

I feel so sick and tired and drained, that I almost can't will myself to move, but panic lets me go, and I cast a Patronus charm as far and fast as I can.

Silver light bursts into the darkness, bleary and struggling to keep from smudging in the thick despair, but it's enough, and the dementors squeal eerily and swoosh out of the train.

There are three students in the cubicle. A tall red-headed boy, a hysteric looking girl, and another boy, the one who was attacked, with brown unruly hair and round glasses.

I know who this is. He was in the Daily Prophet quite often last year, and before that. And he is after all the spitting image of one of my closest friends.

Harry swoons and collapses. The girl shrieks

I pick up Harry carefully and place him on the seat, as the train starts moving again. I hadn't realized it stopped.

"Is he okay Professor?" She cries.

"He'll be fine, he's just blacked out." I look over my shoulder and the other boy, who I'm guessing is a Weasley, is sitting across appearing highly disturbed. The girl is whimpering.

This is my first day on the job. I should go see if everything else is okay. I remember the chocolate in my briefcase.

"Have some of this. It will make you feel better," I say handing them the treats. "I'll be right back."

They both take it gingerly and I head out to make sure every one else is all right.

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"Taking the Defense Against the Dark Arts position is Remus Lupin…" they applaud me politely, and I hear Harry, Ron and Hermione cheer enthusiastically. So many faces are looking up at me. I wonder what they think. By the look on some of the kids – many of which in Slytherin – I can tell they have already judged me. I nod my head, and tug at the fraying on my cuff under the table.

"…And Janet Hill in place of Madame Pince for this term," he continues. Along with the clapping, I hear a couple of catcalls. Janet just smiles and waves.

Later when Dumbledore commences the feast, Flitwick leans over from the right of me. "Bravo on your heroism on the Hogwarts Express today," he says with a twitch of his moustache. "I think you made a very good impression, considering you are to teach Defense." He smiles and turns back to his meal.

Hagrid two seats down winks at me.

I look down the other side of the table where Janet sits almost at the end, and she's already looking at me. She colors slightly, smiles and distracts herself with bread pudding.

There's so many students, and every now and then I can see one or two at a time examining me and then turning back to whisper to their friends. I wish I knew what they were saying. I've only seen a couple of sneers.

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I head to my rooms when all the students are in their dorms for the night, and pass Janet on her way to the Library. I say goodnight, but she touches my arm to stop me.

"Remus, um… I wish that- uh… I wish that what happened last night doesn't ma-" She pauses helplessly. I never thought she could be tongue -tied. Usually she says everything without a bother.

I hold both of her hands in mine awkwardly.

"Please, Janet. Don't worry. If you ever need me, you know where I am," I reassure her and look in her eyes one last time before I turn away from her and go back down the corridor.

A/N: Please review if you have something to ask, or correct, or consider, or will have me consider.

Greatly appreciated!

Song at the beginning: Packing Blankets by EELS