Author's Note: Final chapter guys, thanks for reading, hope you all enjoyed it and this ending satisfies everyone! Songs are at the bottom
Natasha doesn't believe in god. Neither does Clint. He used to joke after debriefings on missions that had nearly killed them that 'He doesn't believe in any god but he sure as hell believes in Fury". Natasha's lips had quirked up and she hadn't stop his fingers from brushing against her's with each step they took.
Natasha remembers Budapest. She remembers how Budapest wasn't actually a thing. It was a code word for Siberia where they laid themselves raw on a hotel roof, and she'd described their relationship as a fire fight neither of them would escape from. Natasha admits her weakness that day but fights despite the wound it leaves. She fights because she's a grown up woman who has to fight her inner demons and then the ones that plague the outer world. But she can do it with Clint by her side, or at her back, or twelve stories above her, always watching. They call it Budapest because that's where the mission was supposed to be and Coulson had mixed up their assignment report and his daughter's quiz on European countries and their capitals. And then Clint made some joke about how Budapest was the mission where they became buds and also- it sounds like 'booty pest' (in his opinion, their rears are both their finest assests). Natasha sighs but lets it stick because Siberia is a secret between them and she wants it to remain that way.
Natasha hadn't liked the idea of a circus but when Clint takes her, its more than just childish entertainment. He explains to her exactly how everything works, and the words flow from him so naturally that most SHIELD operatives wouldn't recognize him at that moment. Clint tells her about his childhood that night, about his parents and Barney and the first time he held a bow. They make a game of aiming popcorn at the people in front of them, (bonus points for hitting gingers is Clint's declaration).
Natasha pretends that she can't hear Fury and Hill talking to the nurses when she experiences a few moments of sanity. She fakes asleep, and regulates her heart beat to match. But she hears them talk about how unstable she's been since his death. About how reckless she is now. About that dead body in Iowa they really have no rational way to explain. She wishes she could shut her ears when one nurse says that everyone knows the Black Widow could survive anyone's death, but without Barton, she loses the will to live. Natasha gains the will to think about ripping the woman's tongue out but she is still trapped in bed.
Natasha remembers the real Budapest that put her in this stupid bed with only the wall as her companion. She was doing a mission for Fury, should've been simple, in and out. It's a rookie mission, and Natasha doesn't want to acknowledge that she isn't trusted with the big jobs anymore. But she's in the process of completing it and doesn't think to watch her back. Barton always has it from his perch in the shadows. She shoots the two remaining henchmen. She doesn't see the third as his gun releases a bullet. Natasha certainly feels it when it drives into her spine.
Natasha remembers the apartment they shared, and she remembers Clint singing and the smell of black as night coffee at the crack of dawn. She remembers nights in the cold, cutting off her red locks over the sink. She remembers stitching Clint back together after missions and reading Russian novels while he tries to distract her. She remembers brutal fights and a lamp hitting her in the face once; of course this is after she had stabbed him with a fire poker. Natasha remembers how they apologize to one another with barbed remarks and it seems like the fight might reignite but then he gets a wash cloth and begins to clean her face while she rubs into the deep gash on his arm. She remembers how he pulls her hair when the Olympics are on TV and how he growls so possessively whenever sleazy men touch her. She remembers hiding in his sleeping bag and playing hide-and-seek in the trees during the nights after traumatic missions. She remembers Christmas morning with Clint and there's nothing under the bonsai tree he had set up with a smirk. They hold hands as they shove it into the fire place, choking on laughter and smoke.
Natasha leaves SHIELD at four in the morning. Despite her obvious fatigue, she is still the Black Widow and she manages to leave without being seen. She knows she probably showed up on some security cams but once she is out, there is no way to stop her. She walks in the shadows and thinks of that blaze of glory that the two of them were destined to go out in. Her feet are bare on the pavement and the tough skin traces the cracks. She arrives at their apartment and lets the elevator slowly lift her. They had a retinal scanner for the door, put in by Stark industries. She offers her irises and enters. The place is bare but Natasha can still see signs of Clint everywhere. They had stayed in the SHIELD dorms after missions but when they had down time, this was their nest, she supposed.
Their scents were still in the air, albeit stale. Or maybe Natasha was just hallucinating. She didn't want to acknowledge the later concept. She rifles through the kitchen drawer, finding everyday house hold objects, except that almost all of them were capable of being transformed into weaponry. She finds matches, and then a chair. Natasha stands under one of the smoke detectors, strikes the match, and waits for the comforting alarm. Water falls from the ceilings preemptively and after four minutes she steps down from the chair.
She makes a basic incendiary device, one that even the most obtuse of criminals could create and lets it begin to burn as she closes herself into the bathroom. Natasha slides down against the tub, and curls up as if she is getting ready for bed.
She remembers lying in this bathtub with Clint, bubbles about both of them, splashing one another and Natasha had created a very convincing beard on him. The water had slowly drained out until they were both just lying on the cold surface, suddenly eye to eye. They were bare, but not for a lack of clothes. They were bare for the lack of secrets in their eyes.
She thinks of fire and water and how most would prefer a quick death by smoke inhalation to the slow torment of water. But in this moment, she would prefer to go by water. Her and Clint talked about the blaze of glory, but a flame, even an ember, was so painful, so rough and reckless and them. Sometimes she wished they could just be ebbed away by the tide, removed in a tranquil manner from the earth with no trace of their existence. But they were Natasha and Clint. They were fire and kerosene. Burns leave marks. So do Natasha and Clint. Or just Natasha now.
The group grows hotter now and smoke has gotten under the door. She didn't intend to go out this way. Somehow, in her drug addled mind, she thought that she could just burn any remnants of their past. She could burn Clint Barton out of her life and move on, but she had felt the need to stay there, to see it go down. She thought the shower would give her safety.
She's choking now; she has been for a while. She's crawling out of the tub and she can't see and thing and everything's so dark except for the flame. She makes it to the bathroom door and hisses as she touches the knob. Eventually she just uses what little life force she has left to throw herself against the door. It breaks, and she is free. But flame encompasses the room.
Their bed, their carpet, their books are burning.
Natasha's realistic; she's too weak to make it out now. She thinks 'blaze with no glory'.
Clint would've laughed.
Natasha doesn't believe in any god. But she believes in pain and suffering and hard work and loyalty and trust and truth and some days she believes in being stupid and having fun. Natasha lets the firefight that she never would escape consume her. She doesn't want to escape. She's going to home now, and home is Clint and when she gets there he will say 'welcome to hell, Nat'. And she will laugh and tell him she loves him but he's always known the same way that she has. And they will walk on molten lava, and lie in the savannah to wait for wild fires, and take turns passing their fingers through candles because that's who they are.
Natasha swears she can hear Clint singing now with the steady drum of water pounding about him. "Never wanted to feel. Never wanted you to steal my heart. Never wanted you to know. Never wanted to show I'm weak"
I don't wanna fight this world alone.
Songs:
Polly - Nirvana
Who Let You Go- The Killers
Violence- Blink 182
You Oughta Know- Alanis Morrisette
For the Nights I Can't Remember- Hedley
Always- Panic! At the Disco
Black Bird- The Beatles
Hit Me With Your Best Shot- Pat Benetar
Heart- Pretty Reckless