Hi hi~

My new favorite person is MuffinMuffin. Worship the name of the person who followed the order of the blue review button.

Bridget's-a-comin'! Beware! I'm renaming her Bridgett just to piss the real Bridget off!

DISCLAIMER: Do I really have to do this? No, no I don't.

Flaaaaaaaaaaashbaaaaaack~

"Waaaah, Airi, I don't want you to leave me all alone with Melissa! She'll eat me!"

"Bridgett, you're crazy," I rolled my eyes at her.

"Ya know ya love me," she said with a cheesy grin.

"Sure," I responded, "But Meli's not that bad. And I promise I'll come visit you here in California whenever I can."

"Promise?" Bridgett held out a hand. "Spit-Swear Promise?"

"Sure," I sighed, spitting on my palm and holding it out hesitantly.

That was so freaking gross.

In the present daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay~

"Murasaki-chan! Murasaki-chan! Hey, Murasaki-chan, are you—"

"What?" I yelled.

"You fell asleep," the Twins explained. "We were trying to do you a favor and wake you up."

I sighed and pushed my chair back, "I hate French, though. It's like a repeat of English."

"Well, if you're so good at language-learning, I'm sure you could tutor Hikaru a bit," the one who was apparently Kaoru grinned.

"Quiet, you," Hikaru punched him playfully. "It's not like you're any better at math."

I didn't say anything. I just stared hard at them. Okay, I thought, so if that's Hikaru, then that means that Kaoru is on the left now. Hikaru on the right, Kaoru on the left. Hikaru left part, Kaoru right part. Hikaru's bad at languages, Kaoru's bad at math. Remember that.

"Murasaki-chan, class is over. We're heading to the Host Club now."

"Ugh, you can just go on without me. I was so out of it I didn't pack my things. I need to make a few stops concerning make-up work from my sick days as well," I replied apologetically.

The two shrugged and walked off.

The month was May. I had been an honorary member of the Ouran High School Host Club for a month now, and I was getting quite used to it. The craziness that seemed so alien to me on that first day felt so normal now.

I was slowly losing my friendship with Momoka for the Host Club. We talked less and less and I felt really bad about it. I thought that I should try to strike up a conversation while she was at Club.

I walked through to the High School campus and made it to Music Room #3. I opened the door and uttered a flat "False alarm" before the boys said their opening line.

"Mura-chan! How was your Sunday?" Honey asked gleefully.

"Good, I guess," I answered. "Any customers yet?"

"Not as of today," Kyoya answered. "But I received a phone call from someone who said they knew you."

A stalker?

"A 'Bridgett McElligott'."

Oh crapbaskets.

"I-I know her… She's an old friend of mine. What did she say to make me want to hide under a rock?" I asked nervously.

Kyoya's eyebrows went up in amusement. "Nothing, she said that your sister had given you my number and to tell you that she was visiting soon."

"Dammit, Hisako!" I swore.

"Bridgett? What a weird name. Is she a foreigner?" Hikaru and Kaoru asked.

"Yeah."

"Do we get to meet her? I want to meet Mura-chan's American friends!" Honey squealed.

"I would very much enjoy meeting a commoner!" Tamaki said excitedly, "Will you bring her to the Host Club, please?"

I sighed, "You guys really wouldn't want to… American… humor is different from Japanese…It took me a whole year living in her house to get used to her."

"I think everyone would love to meet your friend, Airi," Kyoya said, "You should take her to the Host Club with you."

I balled my fists in frustration. "Fine."

"Yay!"

I walked home that day in a foul mood. Cross that, I was downright pissed. Kyoya gave me his number for Host Club purposes, and Hisako thinks that she can just take my phone (that I so carelessly left at the mansion) and give it to one of my close friends! And just how urgently did Bridgett need to talk to me?

I punched in the gate code and stormed in, ignoring Ellie's warm welcome. "Wait, Miss—" she protested.

"!" a voice yelled in English.

"Gaaah!" I yelled. "Bridgett! What the heck?"

"Aren't you happy to see me?" she giggled, hugging me. "This is the first time I've been to your house. It's just as big as you said it was! You ARE rich!"

"Look, Bridgett," I said, switching to Japanese, "As great as it is that you came to see me, I really wish you hadn't sent your message to the Shadow King of all people."

"Airi," Bridgett said with a frown, "This is the first time we've seen each other in, what, a year and a half or so, I'm not counting, and your first reaction is to be pissed off at me!"

I scowled.

"I've missed your temper, Biffle!" Bridgett squealed.

"Oh my god, not again with that stupid BFFL thing, Bridgett," I groaned.

"But yo mah biffle!"

"Find another biffle!"

"You're my Biffle-chan, Airi!"

"Shut up!"

"Ya know ya love me!"

"…You're coming to school with me tomorrow."

"Okay!"

So she came with me to school.

…Classes are boring. The majority of all the fun stuff happens in the Host Club anyway so let's just skip to Host Club time.

"Bridgett, these are your replacements," I said so the Host Club couldn't understand, "The tall blonde idiot is Tamaki, the twins are Hikaru and Kaoru, the tall, nerdy guy is Kyoya, the 16-year-old who looks like he's fiveis Honey, and the 16-year-old who looks like he's twenty is Mori."

"Kyoya's hot!" Bridget said with a smile.

"I know, right!"

"You got your Japanese accent back."

"What? No way!" A cough from the twins brought me back to Japan. "Ahem," I cleared my throat, switching languages, "Guys, this is my… my best friend, McElligott Bridgett. I stayed at her house when I was a transfer student in sixth grade. Um… anything else they should know about you?" I asked, turning to Bridgett.

"Um… I like chocolate."

"Are you British?" the Twins asked. "You have a weird accent."

"It's a lisp!" Bridgett yelled.

"And she can't spell worth beans," I added.

"Shut up, you!" Bridgett hissed, playfully slapping me.

"Well, Bridgett, you're welcome to join Airi in her job as manager, or just watch," Kyoya said kindly.

So, Bridgett just helped me out. She led the girls to the tables, welcomed them, etcetera. The one thing Bridgett didn't have down was manners. Those of you who have been to America, California specifically, know that Ouran etiquette is completely different from how people treat each other there. So Bridgett was having a hard time adapting to not being loud and rambunctious.

"Bridgett, want to help me go around with second snacks?" I called to her.

Bridgett was flopped upside down on the couch, her legs dangling off of the top and her hair flowing underneath her in a mess of blond. "No," she grunted.

I crossed my arms. "If you're going to help me, then you're going to help."

"I only came here because my dad had a business trip! I don't have to do crap!" She rolled over onto her stomach. "I'd much rather play. Is there anyone gullible to play pranks on here?"

"Pretty much every naïve-looking girl you see," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Hunh, should've figured that one out," Bridgett jumped off of the sofa and stretched. "Does this place have a kitchen? I'm gonna make some salt-stuffed brownies for gullible people."

"That sounds fun; we're in," The Twins said with smirks plastered on their faces.

I pulled my friend back. "Hey, don't damage our customer reviews, okay? We can't go giving them salted brownies and expect them to come back."

Bridgett shrugged. "Okay, what if we gave them to guys instead of girls?"

"That's even better!" the Twins shouted again.

That's when it hit me. Bridgett… was like the long-lost Hitachiin sister. She was noisy, rude, playful, liked to pull pranks, and yet never really got along with people outside of her particular circle of friends. She also couldn't possibly have the capacity in her brain to learn another language or do math… my god.

Of course, Hikaru and Kaoru were becoming kind of popular now, since they started striking up conversation a bit more. Bridgett was forever annoying.

"Oh my god there's three of them," I whispered.

"What was that, Murasaki-chan?" the Twins asked teasingly.

Bridgett furrowed her eyebrows. "Murasaki? That's unoriginal. I call her Biffle-chan!"

"That's not original either, Bridgett."

"It's better than Purple! I'll just call you Purple from now on! How would you like that?"

"To be quite frank, I don't like being called Murasaki OR Biffle."

I managed to convince Bridgett to actually chip in some work (although the majority of it was getting extra dishes from the supply closet and refraining from eating too many cakes). On the way home, we had a chat.

"You like those redhead twins, don't you?"

My head snapped up from the ground, and I gave Bridgett a horrified face.

"Airi, you look really ugly when you make that face," she supplied.

"I-I don't like them," I laughed nervously. "Um…yeah, I just, just don't…"

"Airi, you may be a good liar, better than me, but when it comes to something that actually matters, you can't lie worth beans," Bridgett said, smiling. "We don't need to talk about it here. How about we go to your place, make some hot chocolate, and talk in your room under our capes we made from my curtains?"

"Bridgett, it's summer."

"Then we'll turn the AC on! Rich people ought to have some decent air conditioning, right?" she screamed.

We actually did end up doing just that. Turning the AC on, making hot cocoa, and putting on our curtain-capes in my room. Bridgett closed the door behind us so Hisako wouldn't come in, and sat down on my beanbag. "Sew, wassupwityou?"

"Okay, um, well," I started, not sure how to say what I wanted to. "I kind of liked the Twins…"

"Knew it!"

"…Last year. And then I basically discovered that I liked them because they were cute and that I was just as shallow as every other fan girl out there."

Bridgett gave me a sad smile. "Oh, Biffle-chan! You're not THAT shallow!"

"See, this is why I didn't want to tell you! You're not exactly the ultimate self-esteem boost!" I yelled and pointed.

Bridgett giggled and pushed a strand of blond hair out of her face. "You're not shallow, Airi. And you're not conceited. You're unique. But what's interesting is that I haven't really seen that side of you since I got to Japan."

"Derp?" I asked.

Bridgett laughed louder. "Okay, besides your weird internet-reference sounds. I mean, you're a lot like you were before you transferred from Ouran Elementary to Summit. You're not as lively, you're not cracking as many jokes, and I haven't seen you spaz or roll around on the floor at all. Come on, do America and I need to ruin you again!"

"You and America did enough damage to my belief structure, thank you."

"But seriously," Bridgett argued, "You're different! Are you sure you're over… over the… that's… that's it, isn't it? You're still moping about being a shallow rich person. Well, you know what? You ARE a shallow rich person. You need to stop brooding, get your purple ass up and start being weird again!"

"If I did that, there would be one less mature person in the Host Club."

"You're not mature," Bridgett shook her head. "You're the girl who fell flat on her face when she accidentally looped her foot through a backpack. You're the girl who decided to keep her hair purple when the hairdresser misunderstood the word 'highlights'! Stop moping, or I swear to the Flying Spaghetti Monster I will kick your little Asian Purple ass from now to back when we were thirteen and had freaking FUN. And remember, there's no point in having fun if you don't look stupid doing it."

I smiled. Bridgett wouldn't deal with a sad person for more than half a minute before blowing up at them. "Fine, then. Let's watch Mulan."

"Mulan? No, let's watch something GOOD like Pirates of The Carribean or Ocean's Eleven."

"But Mulan's a classic! Beauty and the Beast, then? We can ridicule it!"

"If we're going to ridicule a movie, let's watch High School Musical 2."

So we did. I felt better. It was nice to watch a really cheesy movie. We sung horribly along with it (especially since we didn't know the lyrics) and then proceeded to watch a couple of the kiddie shows on Disney.

"So, you up for acting like a real American tomorrow?" Bridgett asked with a mouthful of popcorn. "I'm only here for a few days, so I need to see this play out."

I shook my head, "I'll stop moping, but I'm not going to go crazy-ass on everyone. I'm the manager, and the entire third-year class knows me as a really studious person. If I go to school as an extrovert, everyone'll think I've gone bad-crap insane."

"But…actually, you're right this time," Bridgett admitted, standing up to get more popcorn. "Just…try to have a little more fun, okay? I don't like seeing you in denial. Then again…" she thought, tapping her chin. "It was those twins who made you suffer, right? I'll piss them off if you want me to. I'm good at pissing people off."

"I know that much," I say sarcastically, "And no, thanks. Hey…" Bridgett turned from the microwave to look at me. "Who's giving you a ride back to the hotel?"

Bridgett smiled sheepishly. "I told my dad I was staying here tonight."

"…Fair enough, let's go blow up a mattress."

"Don't you have a fancy rich person guest room?"

"Yes, but it's on the other side of the mansion; you'd get lost in a heartbeat."

"Well, blow-up mattress it is then!"

Now, we shall skip to the next day~

"…And that's why I think Kyoya is the hottest dude in Host Club," Bridgett finished proudly. I laughed. This girl had been my entertainment for the entirety of French class.

Hikaru and Kaoru argued, "But what about the twincest the two of us have? That's a good selling point."

Bridgett held up a finger. "Ah-bup-bup! I never said who has the best selling point, I said who was the hottest. And Kyoya is freaking hot. You guys are… like elf-cute, I guess."

"I know, right!" I said, "The only bad point, I think, to Kyoya-senpai is that he's like the most sadistic person you'll ever meet once you get to know him. Well, not sadistic… just kind of self-calculating and willing to be sadistic to gain some sort of profit. And yeah, you guys would be elf-cute."

They scrunched up their noses, "Elf?" they echoed.

"Like, you're cute, and hot, and all that stuff, but Kyoya is just Hott with a capital 'h' and two 't's," Bridgett said again. "I'm surprised he doesn't have that many people request him."

"Maybe American tastes are different than Japanese ones?" the Twins offered.

Bridgett and I looked at each other. "Probably," we said in unison, surprising both of us and provoking a hug and many giggles.

When we were released from class, Bridgett and I left as slowly as possible. On the way, I told her about the "Which One is Hikaru Game!".

"Basically, they both put on (ugly) green hats to cover up their part and ask you to guess which is which."

"Must've sucked when they made you play it, huh?"

"I managed to get out of it. Even though there's a fifty-fifty chance, nobody seems to get it right. Sometimes I think it's just because the girls can't prove their point once they guess."

"I think I may be able to tell them apart," Bridgett smiled (evilly).

"Well, good luck," I said, pushing open the door. "False alarm," I called out flatly, knowing that the line was coming.

"Aw, let them do their bishounen greeting!" Bridgett pouted. She turned to the boys. "I think I'll designate someone today," she spoke boldly.

Tamaki, Honey and the Twins immediately got excited.

"I've decided to choose the Twins… IF," she added, seeing their faces, "Airi can join me."

"What? No! What?" I yelled. "Bridgett, I have to—"

"I'm fine with it," Kyoya informed us.

I shrugged, "Okay then." I dragged my friend over to a corner and pulled her closer. "But you know how uncomfortable this is going to make me, right?" I whispered harshly.

Bridgett smirked. I gulped.

She was nice enough, however, to try and keep the flirting to a minimum. She would get hooked on the twincest, but as soon as one of them looked at her or me, she would spill more hot stuff on Kaoru to get the twincest show up and running again.

"How about we play the 'Which One is Hikaru Game!'" they both sang.

Bridgett smirked and cracked her neck. "I'm game."

The Twins put on their hats and switched around. After they were finished, Bridgett put a thoughtful hand to her chin. She slammed her fist on the table, grinning with confidence.

"Hikaru's the gay-looking one!"

"I'm not—!"

"—That one's Hikaru," Bridgett said proudly.

I laughed my butt off right there.

Bridgett McElligott is indeed inspired by my friend Bridget. Different last name, though, so don't go stalking her or anything. Her fanfiction is little miss mysterious OR 4evadarkrose or something like that. Please read her fanfiction! (Hawaii Five-0, X-Men Evolution, Young Justice, Outsiders, Glee…)

I love ya lots, Bwidget! You're mah biffle!

What do you guys think of me making a work of satire? Basically, everything I hate about this fandom compiled into one disgusting one-shot disguised as a real story. I say it'll be fun!

Review, cake, or death. We're all out of cake.

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