Chapter Four: The Deep End

She can't hold her own,
Who would have known?
She is misery's company.
She's got no place to go,
No place to call home -
She's got misery's company.
She goes straight,
Straight for the deep end -
Doesn't hesitate to dive right in.
Be careful now, be careful now, be careful, be careful now.
She only comes to me in my dreams,
So sleep becomes routine.
It's not healthy, it's what makes you right.
It's not healthy, it's what makes you.
---Scary Kids Scaring Kids' "The Deep End."

I had two stuffed animals that went with me everywhere. They'd gone with me to all of my schools, all of my camps, and they were the two friends that I'd never had to let go of, in the end.

They were both horses. One was small, about six inches, light brown and had a white nose. His name was Carl. The other was darker brown, and was around 10 inches or a foot. His name was Walter.

I had never once been embarrassed of Carl or Walter. Until Charles Cornick saw them and said, laughing, "What is this?"

It was the day after my meeting with the Marrok. When Bran had invited me into the pack, I'd thought, what other choice do I have?

But Bran offered me time to deliberate, saying that though he'd like for me to be in his pack, that it might also be in my best interests to go to another pack, one in Washington state, that had another walker.

So, while contemplating my fate, I was going to stay at the hotel, but he had told me that I should stay with Charles and his wife, Anna, who happened to be an omega. Not that I really understood what that meant.

So Charles had come by early this morning to take me back to his place. He hadn't looked angry about it, but he hadn't looked pleased.

I snatched a dangling Walter from his hand. I already had Carl in my duffel bag.

"Do you take that with you everywhere?" He asked.

I knew wolves could sense lies, so I said, "Yeah, pretty much."

He laughed. His laugh was deep. I shook my head and tried to zip the full duffel bag.

"What?" He asked.

I just shook my head again.

He grabbed my arm. "What? What is it?"

I looked up and said, "What? I just didn't know you could smile," and started struggling with my bag again.

He reached over and zipped the thing easily. I tried not to pout as I said, "I was gonna get that."

Charles chuckled. "Yeah."

The ride to his house was silent, as he had nothing to say to me and I didn't have a whole heck of a lot to say to anyone. I munched on the last of my chocolate bars and just stared out the window.

It was a beautiful place. Of course, it was summertime, so all the flowers were blooming and the trees were green on the mountains. The road was twisty and seemed to go on forever in front of the truck.

Finally, he said, "Next week's the Alpha's conference."

"Huh?" The term might as well have been written in Greek. But it still didn't sound good.

"Yearly, all the Alphas come here to meet with Da. Usually it's later, more in the fall, but after everything that's gone down in Texas, Da wants updates. I just thought I'd give you fair warning. You don't seem that keen on werewolves, and there'll be several packs' worth."

My mind started running in high capacity. What was I going to do? There would be hundreds of wolves here, and they would all be alphas. That spelled nothing but hunt. And wolves had a tendency to hunt out the weakest link.

In this case, that was me.

I didn't want to be someone's meal.

Charles looked over at me and said, "Relax. You're under the protection of the Marrok. Mercy was here for years, and they never once tried anything with her. They'd be stupid to even think of it."

I closed my eyes and willed myself to relax a little more. Or, more like it, not to curl up in a ball right there in the passengers' seat. I hated panicking like this. It always dug up bad memories.

"Michael, don't do this," Nathaniel begged. I didn't know why Daddy was doing that, making Nathaniel beg. "Don't do it - she's your daughter."

"Stay out of this." Daddy was growling. That wasn't nice. Why was Daddy growling? "It nothing of your business. What if it was your daughter that he wanted?"

Nathaniel started yelling, angrily. He was a little scary when he yelled. "If it were any of my family, you know what I'd do? I'd die to protect them! I'd kill him before he got to my kids or my wife!"

"Well, Emlyn killed my Sarah. I'd rather it be her head than mine."

I started to ask Daddy why he said I killed Sarah. Sarah was my momma's name. He'd always said she could only be my momma while I was sleepin'. Why was he saying I killed my momma? "Daddy, why are you sayin' I killed Sarah? Sarah's my momma, ain't she?"

"Shut UP!" he screamed in my direction.

Daddy scared me when he was like this. I scooted my pink Barbie chair back to the corner and held Walter close. I didn't want him to be more scared than me.

Nathaniel grabbed Daddy's throat, shoving him against the wall. "How dare you! I'm taking her. I'm taking Emlyn home with me. You are not going to let that pervert have his way with-"

Daddy threw him against the wall. I saw a little bitty piece of ceiling fall down. I held Walter closer, looking out from under his head to see Daddy snarl and start to Change. I tried not to cry. Daddy scared me when he changed. He got so big and mean. He scared me so much when he turned into the wolf. I cowered in my Barbie chair.

I wanted to be my wolf and run away but I knew Daddy would follow me and hurt me like he did last time. I had only gotten my pretty pink cast off the week before.

I wanted to go in my room and curl up under my soft blanket.

Nathaniel started to change too.

I closed my eyes and started whispering to myself what I thought my momma would say if she was here. That everything was okay. I prayed that God would make my momma come through the door and make them stop. The snarling got louder after they'd both finished changing. I didn't open my eyes. I knew what was gonna happen.

"Emlyn. Emlyn. C'mon Emlyn. Anna's waiting and she's not going to be happy if I show up and you're in a state like this. Emlyn. Snap out of it," Charles was shaking me.

I was curled up in a ball in the passenger's seat.

I closed my eyes and tried to calm my breathing. I told myself that it was all over, that that had been a long time ago. Before even Dad had gotten his new wife.

"What was that about?" Charles asked when I was sitting straight up again.

I shook my head. If I started talking right now, I'd start bawling. I had that familiar lump in my throat and that stinging in my eyes.

I hated reliving those days. The one good thing Melinda had done when she married my father was that she'd gotten me out of the house. Away from him.

Charles leaned out, nearly in front of me. "Emlyn. I can't take you home like this. Calm down a bit."

I still couldn't speak. I nodded. He pulled back out on the road. I could tell that Charles was tense, that he thought I'd freaked out either because of what he'd told me or just being around him.

I wanted to tell him that, no, it was my panic attack. That it was the thought of being around wolves like that. I wanted to tell him these things, but I couldn't show him that scared me. I didn't need someone in his position to know my weaknesses.

I couldn't afford to keep going like this. If being around werewolves was going to cause me to panic like that, then I'd just have to get over it. I couldn't afford to show weakness like that again. Ever. Not if I was to join a pack. And I still wasn't sure of that, but there wasn't much choice, was there? Werewolves were in every town and city that I knew of.

Not that running had ever helped me, anyway.

I am so sorry for the super-long delay.

I went on a week's vacation and when I got back, my internet was broken. I just got it fixed this afternoon.

Please forgive me. And for anyone who reads my other fiction, Forever Doesn't Last, I plan on having another chapter up on that, also. :]

But I'm leaving out on another vacation-thing in a week. I'm going to try and get another chapter up before that, because I won't have my computer for another week.

And I don't like to keep you guys waiting. I just get caught up in things.

Anyways, the song belongs to Scary Kids Scaring Kids or whoever happens to own them. Charles and Anna and the Marrok and all of them belong to Patricia Briggs. I own the other things. :]

So, enjoy. Please review!

-Em.