Burke stood in the front room of his office, going over files with his assistant when a devastated looking Kate Beckett stormed in. Seeing her, Burke knew it had to be some kind of emergency. He had never seen her this agitated before. Not in the beginning, not during the sniper case, never.
"Cancel the rest of my appointments for today" he told his assistant who nodded once she caught sight of Kate.
Burke stepped around the desk and said "Kate, please come in" like he was expecting her. He held the door to his office open and let her walk in in front of him. This was going to be one of this sessions where she paced around in his office and would say close to nothing. But since he had no longer any other patients today, he was able to wait her out until she was ready to talk.
"You seem to be in a turmoil" he stated.
Kate didn't answer for a long time. She just paced in his office, feeling the need to flee and go to the precinct instead. But she stayed.
"He hid information about my mother's murder" she finally said, feeling betrayed, disappointed and angry.
Not needing to ask whom she was talking about he questioned "Why did he do it?"
Kate looked at him, annoyed, before she started to pace again, never able to rest. It didn't matter why he did it, it just mattered that he did, Kate told herself. The back of her mind screamed to her that it did matter but she wasn't ready to listen to this part.
"He even has a new lead" Kate said, not answering his question because she wasn't ready yet to think about Castle's motive to betray her like this.
Burke waited her out. In the past year he had learned that he wouldn't get anywhere with Kate Beckett if he asked questions she didn't want to answer yet. There had been entire sessions where she hadn't said a single word.
"There is a guy who has information about the people behind my mother's murder" she said, looking longingly at an object in her hand. Burke noticed the USB drive and assumed that it contained the information her partner had found. He was kind of proud that she came here instead of running straight into deaths arms.
"What are you going to do?"
Kate stared at him for a moment before pacing around again.
"I don't know" she groaned frustrated. A very unhealthy part of her just wanted to run to the precinct to start working the case. But the little voice in the back was able to hold her back. For now.
There had to be more behind this. Burke could only guess what Rick Castle had said but he supposed it was the reason why she was even here instead of chasing down this lead he had found.
"Why don't you tell me what happened, Kate? Maybe I can help you figure it out. But you have to give me something I can work with"
Kate slumped down in the armchair opposite from him. Hugging her knees to her chest to prevent herself from running (or pacing around). She would tell her therapist. She wouldn't run from him. She would tell him. However long it took to get all the words out, she would tell him. She needed his help. She knew that.
Two hours and many disruptions later, Burke knew about what happened after Ryan's wedding, about the pregnancy, about every word that had been spoken in their fight that had her running to him and how the ultrasound picture had somehow pulled her out of the rabbit hole. Just a little. A few inches. But enough to prevent her from hunting down this Smith guy. At least for now.
But he could tell she was still deep down. In their previous sessions she had been almost ready to let it go so she could start a relationship with her partner. But this had thrown her back to a place she had left months ago.
The case was an obsession, an addiction for Kate. Just like alcohol and drugs could be.
"What do you want to do now, Kate?" he asked.
"I want to solve the case" she answered with almost no hesitance. Almost.
"What stops you?" He, of course, knew what was stopping her. But she needed to figure it out for herself.
"I don't know" she said, stubbornly. She didn't want to think about it. She wanted to solve the case. Only… something was holding her back… or someone… or two someones.
Burke said nothing, knowing she would come out of her shell when she was ready. Since he had no other patients today, he had all the time in the world to wait for her.
Burke could tell she was lost in thought, fighting an internal battle. At some point she seemed to close herself off, shutting out emotions, her detective mask in check.
This wasn't what he was hoping for. The opposite in fact.
"I need to solve the case" she said with determination. The case was important. It was. She needed to solve her mother's murder. She needed justice.
"What about the baby?" he asked and she looked away, hurt showing in her face for a second before she had herself in check again. She just shrugged, avoiding her eyes.
This approach wasn't getting him anywhere. He decided to try another method, something that worked with other patients. He had never tried it with Kate, never figured her for the type to think about what-if-scenarios. But since she was so far gone anyway he decided to try. It seemed like there was nothing to lose anymore anyway.
"Alright Kate, I want you to close your eyes. I'm walking you through a scenario now. Just listen. Are you ready?"
She looked at him insecure, but some part of her still seemed to accept his help. She finally nodded and closed her eyes, her body tense, nowhere near relaxed.
"We are ignoring the pregnancy for now" he started. That seemed to ease some of the tension. Burke made a mental note to address this later. Probably in a later session if he succeeded in getting her out of the rabbit hole. Otherwise he would probably never see her again.
"Imagine you go to the precinct right now. Plugging the USB drive in your computer" he continued and watched her closely when she seemed like she wanted to jump to her feet to do just that.
He decided to skip the part that held so much temptation for her.
"Let's say you hunt the responsible people down. They get locked up in prison for life. You miraculously survived against all odds. How are you feeling now, Kate?"
She opened her eyes, hugging her knees tight.
"I don't know"
"Try to imagine. This is the goal you've worked towards for years. Over a decade. What does it feel like to reach it?" Pushing her was a mistake. She looked away, retreating back into herself. Burke groaned inwardly at his own mistake.
"Okay" he said, desperate to get her out of this state. He really didn't want to see her obituary notice in his newspaper some morning. "Feelings aside, for now. What are you going to do?"
"I don't know" she whispered.
"What would you want to do?" he asked, figuring that the one thing she would want to do probably wouldn't be a possibility.
She didn't answer for a long time. She just stared at the floor, studying the dark spots on the parquet.
"Go for a celebratory drink with Castle" she finally whispered, on the verge of crying.
"And that wouldn't be possible?" he asked, knowing full well that it wasn't after the conversation she had told him about, but needing her to say it herself.
"No" he could hear the tears in her voice even if she still stubbornly avoided looking at him.
"Why?" he asked. She was getting annoyed again. Annoyed that he was asking questions he already knew the answer to but making her spell it out for him anyway.
Annoyance was good with Kate. It would get her to talk.
"Because he won't be a part of this. Because he said we are done. Because I screwed up" she spit out, her voice rising for a few words before cracking again at the end, almost ending in a sob.
"But you still would want him by your side?" he asked, gently now.
"Yes" she choked out.
"What does this tell you?"
She cried for some time before she answered.
"That I want him more than I want to solve my mother's murder?"
She said it as a question but her own words triggered something. A memory. From just a day ago. Wasn't that what she had told him? That she loved him more than she wanted to catch her mother's killer?
She curled herself into a tighter ball, trying to hold herself together. It didn't help anything. She started to weep bitterly until her whole body was wrecking with intense sobs.
She felt herself coming out of the icy place of a rabbit hole that made her callous, numb and stony only to be greeted with another cold. Even worse. Because it was all her fault. Because she had said things to Castle. Unforgivable things. Because she hadn't said something when she should have. Agreeing with her silence to the things he was accusing her of.
Sure Castle had investigated the case behind her back, had been hiding information from her, had betrayed her.
But he did it because he loved her, to protect her. To keep her alive. His motive was selfless, risky, totally stupid but ultimately forgivable.
What she had done wasn't. What she had done was unforgivable. Absolutely unforgivable. She had spit on his love for her when she hadn't responded to his plea to let the case go. She had put the case over him. She had put the case over Alexis' happiness, knowing full well that if Castle would have stayed by her side during that case and died doing it, Alexis would have lost her parent. Just like herself.
She had put the case over their baby. Had practically said that she didn't care about it. That she would risk its safety gladly if it meant putting her mother's murderer behind bars.
She was sobbing violently, her whole body shaking, her stomach turning around.
She had disappointed him. She had disappointed her mom.
God, what would she say if she knew what she had done? She always knew that her mom would want her to be happy, to put the case behind her even if it meant never catching the person responsible. How disappointed would she be if she knew that Kate would have willingly risked her grandchild's life for the possibility of catching her killer?
For the first time Kate wished that she wasn't looking at her, from wherever she was now. She wished her mother couldn't see her. Hadn't seen what she had done.
She was shaking violently. Her whole body wrecked with sobs. She could never make up for this. She had destroyed every chance for happiness she had ever had. She had pushed Castle away. She didn't deserve his forgiveness. She didn't deserve his baby. She didn't deserve him.
She had destroyed every chance they ever had. And everything was her fault. He was so sweet. Just this morning he had showered her with the most reassuring, sweetest words and she had destroyed it. Destroyed everything.
She felt herself drifting into a state where there was nothing. Nothing but coldness and emptiness. No thoughts, no real feelings. Just nothing. It seemed like her heart could no longer take the thoughts her mind was sending to it.
The place her mind was now was empty, lonely, cold. This was how death must feel like. Maybe she was dead? Could someone die from heartbrokenness and regret?
She felt hands on her shoulders. Large hands, warm like Castle's. Through her tear-clouded vision she could see nothing. She had gone so deep in her thoughts that she didn't know anymore where she was.
"Castle?" she choked out. Somehow knowing it couldn't be him but in her mind nothing made sense anymore. She felt dead. However that felt like.
"No, Kate" Burke said softly, trying to get her to look at him.
He had called her name for the last ten minutes. She hadn't responded in any way.
Kate looked up, seeing her therapist kneeling in front of her, concerned look on his face. Yeah, she probably was his worst patient ever.
She remembered where she was and why she was here.
"What do I do?" she asked desperate, voice rough from sobbing and crying.
"Talk to him" he said, too concerned about her to bother making her come to the conclusion herself.
She shook her head.
"No" she said, the image of his closing bedroom door in her mind. Final. Too quiet to be anything but. Not only closing the literal door but the figurative one too. The door to their relationship.
And she couldn't blame him. That's what she deserved. This and so much worse.
"Why not?" asked Burke gently, not really knowing how to handle her in this state. He never had had a patient as difficult as her.
She told him about the door.
"Kate" he said softly, hoping she wouldn't retreat back into herself with his next words. "I know subtext is kind of your and Castle's thing but wouldn't you like to know for sure that it's over?"
"He already said so"
"That was in combination with you going behind your mother's killer. But you won't do that now, will you?"
She shook her head. No, not after her realization of how disappointed her mother would be. How much she had disappointed Rick.
And god, she couldn't do this. She would get her child killed. How could she even have considered going behind this guy while she was pregnant? What had she been thinking?
She knew the answer to that. She hadn't been thinking at all. She already knew from her early therapy sessions that her mother's case was to her what alcohol was to her father. Something that should never be touched. Something that would pull her under.
"And you are still going to have a child together. At some point you need to face him again, Kate. The sooner the better. I'm sure he is not feeling better than you."
"He is not going to forgive me this time" she said.
Probably not, Burke thought. "I didn't say that. I said talk. Try to explain. Apologize. And hope that he will at least listen."
Kate took a deep breath and wiped her tears away. He was right. She had nothing to lose anymore anyway. He probably would want the child, thinking it wouldn't be safe with her and being right in thinking so. That's what they should talk about. She could at least promise him to try to keep his baby safe until she could hand it to him, knowing she didn't deserve it anyway.
She uncurled herself. Her muscles hurt from staying in this position for so long. She took another deep breath before rising from the chair. Burke stood with her.
"Thank you" she said.
He just nodded. He wished he could have helped her better before so this disaster wouldn't have happened in the first place.
"I want to see you daily from now on, Kate" he said. Normally he only saw people that were potentially suicidal on a daily basis but for her he would make an exception. Besides, if she would gave into the temptation to follow this lead it would be a suicidal mission anyway.
She just nodded. This probably wasn't the worst idea. Of course it would be annoying, given that she had to work too, but it probably was a necessity.
"And if you and Mr Castle need something like a mediator, don't hesitate to bring him along" He normally didn't do couples counseling but nothing was normal about them and it seemed like they would really need it. And there was no chance Kate could open up to another therapist. Someone new.
If Castle decided to give her a chance again, which Burke wasn't sure of.
She nodded, thanked him again and left. Hopefully to go talk to Castle.
Burke sighed, letting himself fall back in his armchair, relaxing for a few minutes before he opened his eyes again and looked at his watch.
If he would have stuck to his schedule he would have been at home two hours ago. His wife would be annoyed but this had been an emergency. Once he explained she would understand. He sighed before packing his things and leaving his office. His assistant was long gone.
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