Chapter 4
Cyborg and Starfire were busy being amazed with the flood of fanmail Robin had been getting recently. Sorting the mail seemed almost unnecessary. Almost all of it was for Robin, and most of what was left was addressed to the Titans in general with Robin being the centerpiece of the message. Still, they sorted, mostly because with Robin out of commission, someone had to be the OCD one, and it might as well be the two of them.
Starfire was having a little more trouble with the task than Cyborg.
"I do not understand why so many of your Earth women persist in sending my Robin the hearts made of candy and chocolate," she said finally, mouth tight and eyes narrow. "I have been told that such things are signs of romantic affection, yet they must all know that Robin is no longer unpartnered! Our relationship of physical and emotional intimacy has been reported in one hundred and fifty-seven separate magazines in the language of English, as well as in fifty-eight papers of the news!" She knew, because she was subscribed to a 'RobxStar 4evah' mailing list that told her these things so that she could order the relevant issues.
Cyborg backed away just a little bit. If she decided to vent her frustration physically with an emphatic gesture or flailing of limbs, she could easily decapitate him without realizing he was there. Again.
"Look, they're just silly kids who don't get the concept of a serious relationship," he explained cautiously. "They see a hot, heroic guy, and they can't help but want him, that's all."
She melted a particularly large box of chocolates into burnt cardboard and brown ooze without seeming to realize it.
"It is most dishonorable! Were we on Tamaran, I would challenge them to a duel of klughflugh and fight until their intestines covered the arena floor!"
That was actually the least graphic of the threats of violence Cyborg had so far heard spill from the 'innocent' and 'peaceful' alien's mouth. It would probably have been even worse if he'd been able to understand Tamaranian. There was one word she kept using that sounded like bubbling phlegm that he very strongly suspected to be the Tamaranian equivalent of 'slut.' This was turning into a pretty scary day to be close to Starfire, all things considered. And she was supposed to be the nice one in their group dynamic!
The telltale swoosh of air at his back without any logical reason why it should occur was a sign that they had a visitor.
"Hey, KF," he said goodnaturedly without turning around from his task. They were all used to the speedster's little random visits by now. He pretty much went wherever he wanted. As far as Cyborg was concerned, he was basically a more efficient, more eloquent Beast Boy.
Kid Flash leaned in between the two of them, peering at the small tower of mail. "Wow. That's a lotta letters."
"Yep," Cyborg answered noncommitally.
"And cards. And flowers. And candy. And little plushies with balloons."
"Indeed," Starfire said, 'accidentally' destroying most of it in her 'sorting' efforts.
"So... what's up, guys?"
It was an unspoken rule that whenever someone asked that question and there was any Titan other than Starfire was in the room, it was the duty of the non-Starfire person to answer it to keep the potential angst and conflict to a minimum. Cyborg was pretty used to breaking the news anyway (calling Bee's team, and telling them to stop laughing or he'd kick their butts, had been one of the first things he'd done).
"Well, Robin had a stress-induced heart attack. He's okay but he's gonna have to take it easy for a while."
Kid Flash had the reaction that most people had to this revelation, which was to start laughing. "Wh-what! Hahahahah! D-dude, you can't... hahah... be serious..."
Unfortunately for Kid Flash, he was just the first person to happen to be stupid enough to do this while in the same room with Starfire. Cyborg had been more than ready to smack him one on general principle, but before he'd even lifted a finger, Starfire's arm blurred in motion, and Kid Flash found himself on the other side of the room, dented slightly into plaster. She hadn't even looked up from the mail; it had been a completely absentminded backhanded gesture. Good luck to anyone who made her mad when she was paying attention to them.
"Ow..." he murmured, shaking his head and wincing.
"While I am aware that the circumstance of Robin's injury are unusual, this does not mean it is appropriate to make light of the situation," Starfire murmured, eyes darting through presents like squirrels through a pile of nuts, intent on not missing anything else inappropriate for a very thoroughly mated Robin (she prefered this word over 'attached' or anything equivalent but less, to her Tamaranian point of view, meaningful, but had stopped using the term outside of her head upon realizing that it provoked a great many strange Looks).
Kid Flash mumbled something about borrowing bandaids and maybe some ointment and, wisely, took off.
"Uh, try to remember how strong you are compared to a regular human, star," Cyborg reminded her with utmost caution. "He totally deserved a whack but now I've gotta repair the wall, and the wall didn't deserve that."
She looked up in distress to survey the damage. "Oh no! I am truly sorry, friend Cyborg, I was greatly distracted in attempting to decipher a particular card and was not paying one hundred percent of my attention to my chiding of the Kid Flash! Please forgive me. I will apologize to him as well, when he slows down sufficiently for me to do so."
Cyborg chuckled and nodded agreeably, leaning down to peer at the card she'd been puzzling over. It was open, so he couldn't see the cover, but there were plenty of generic flowers and birds and things on the inside. There was also a short message, scribbled in a cursive so neatly legible that it practically burned itself into Cyborg's brain.
Robin,
Condolences on the heart attack. Try to take it a little easier; it's not a race to see who martyrs himself first. A will be sending some of your favorite cookies once the ingredients have arrived from Britain.
Yours,
B
A small symbol was drawn with almost mathematical precision below the 'signature,' a bat's outline in an oval. Cyborg's non-mechanical eye widened in realization.
"This is from Batman, Star! You know, that scary famous mentor guy Robin never talks about because they had 'issues?'"
Her brow furrowed. "The Batman, the renowned for his competence hero of great superness who dwells within Gotham and its peculiar red atmosphere?"
"That's right."
"The Batman who taught Robin for many years how to be Robin?"
"Yep!"
"Then why does he only send a small piece of paper with two sentences on it, instead of visiting personally to offer his great and sorrowful condolences?!"
Starfire's eyes flared up, and Cyborg carefully sidestepped out of the line of fire in case of technical difficulties in Tamaranian firing mechanisms.
"Well, you see Star, they haven't been really close, ya know, and..." Even as he was saying it, he knew no excuse would be sufficient to appease Robin's self-righteous girlfriend, full wroth in wrath... or however that line went.
"This is unacceptable! Robin has endured many dangers and trials without the help of this so-called 'the Batman,' and I have been most tolerant, but now our brave leader has come the breadth of a hair from the very aperture of entropy and all this 'the Batman' sends us is a mere card?! Even the lowliest of our fans have done better than that! Even our foes! The wicked musician Punk Rocket has sent us frosted confectionary miniaturized guitars adorned with smiley faces! ...they are most likely poisonous, of course, but nonetheless my point is made most strongly!"
"I'm sure he was just tryin' to be sensitive, Star, and didn't want to barge in when Robin wouldn't be sure how to react and all-"
"No! This is NOT within the bounds of courteous behavior between mentor and protege! Friend Cyborg... which direction is the city of Gotham from here?"
"Err. That way, I think," Cyborg hazarded a guess, pointing out the window.
"Very well. I shall be away for only a little while. Please tend to Robin's needs while I retrieve a properly apologetic and sympathetic 'the Batman.'"
And with that, Starfire calmly opened the window, and took off through the air at a sudden speed that made Cyborg's ears pop. He was left staring out at the sky, already empty of her swift-traveling form. It was easy to forget that Tamaranians were capable of levels of flying speeds more than adequate for space travel when they felt the need.
He turned around, trying to figure out exactly how big of a mess this was going to be and how on Earth he was gonna break the news to Robin, and saw Kid Flash's fiery hair and one paranoid eye peeking from out behind a corner.
"It's okay, man," he said sympathetically. "You can come out now. She's gone."
Kid Flash heaved a sigh of relief, and actually walked over to him at a normal sub-superhuman pace for the first time ever, which was, more than anything else, a telltale sign of how badly Star had scared him.
"Where'd she run... well, fly... off to, anyway?"
"I think she's gone to beat up Batman."
"...really?"
"Yeah."
There was only one appropriate response to this, as far as Kid Flash was concerned. "Awesome."