AN: Wow, we're already on chapter four! For those who are wondering how many chapter this installment is going to have, at this point I'm unsure. I'm still working on chapter six but I'd guess at least two more chapters after that before I end this one to start another installment in this little mini series. Thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews! It really helps keep me going. Well, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, things are really going to get interesting now! Ciao!
Help Me Make It Through the Night
By An American Mom
Chapter Four: Loaded and Alone
Seeing as he'd obviously been drinking she takes the keys to the Viper from him and calls her dad from the car, "Hey dad I'm taking Tommy back to his place he's had a bit too much to drink…" She pauses listening to her dad's response half heartedly while out of the corner of her eyes she sees Tommy shaking his head violently. "Hold on one second dad," She looks at Tom fully now, "What?"
"Not the apartment, please Jude…" His voice is pleading even more so than his hazy crystal blue eyes.
"Correction, I'm taking him to the house. Good thing Sadie's gone for the weekend hm? Yeah I'll be careful, thanks Dad." She hangs up and puts the car into gear, having had a few lessons since her birthday from Tommy to learn how to not destroy the clutch when driving, or murder dogs on sidewalks. She watches him out of the corner of her eyes while she's driving asking gently, "Why don't you want to go home?"
"Going with you is home Jude… I just need it…"
She listens to his voice nearly break as he admits needing her in his own way. She reaches out briefly patting his knee before putting her hand back on the gear shift changing into fourth as the speed limit increases. It doesn't take them long to get to her house from the club especially since she's taken lessons from Tommy.
Once they get inside and he gets settled into her bed she sits awake beside him with the lamp on the night stand turned on and her homework in her lap, mostly for something to do while she watches him sleep fitfully. His sleep is so fitful in fact that he's only asleep for an hour before he's tossing and turning so violently she sets her homework on the night stand reaching over to shake him and try and wake him. She doesn't know what to say or do but she knows whatever happened between him and Portia is killing him from the inside out.
She hears him mumble Angie's name moments before his eyes flutter open and that's when it occurs to her what she should have known in the first place. Tonight it had been five years to the day since she'd died. She still doesn't know the details of what happened but she knows he lost her and it had been bad, really bad. Shortly after it had originally happened he'd left Portia and his tour to come and see her here in Toronto, climbing into her bedroom window wasted and ill from the amount he'd consumed.
"Oh God Jude…" He cries out in pain as he looks into her worried blue eyes wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her slender body flush against his own. He can feel her warmth even through the white A-top she wears, burying his face against her chest desperate to hear her heartbeat.
"Talk to me Tommy, please, stop letting this eat you alive Quincy." She coos against the top of his head, her fingers brushing soothingly against the bare skin of his back.
"I can't… It hurts, so much. But it's supposed to, it's all my fault." His voice is mumbled against her chest.
"What is?"
"Angie."
"Tommy, what happened between you and Angie? It's been five years; it's time you talked it out. Please, you won't talk to a professional and that's okay, but you've got to talk to someone…If you don't talk to me I'll insist you see someone."
"Please don't… Don't do this to me." He pleads as he pulls his head from its resting place and looks into her eyes pleading with his own.
"Then talk to me!" She shouts in response.
"I can't!" He nearly shouts in return pushing himself from her and the bed landing with a thud on the floor and scooting to the wall pulling his knees to his chest as if to run from the story itself.
She climbs out of bed quickly kneeling down in front of him as she places her hands on his arms that are wrapped around his drawn up knees. "You have to Tommy; you can't go on like this."
"Girl, please…" He begs trying to avoid speaking the words or seeing the whole thing all over again, his head shaking violently. But he can see she's not giving up and his resolve against it falters his voice breaking as he starts, "I was married to Portia when I started seeing Angie, remember?" He pauses watching her reaction before going on, "Portia found out and so did Darius, it became a choice between Portia which meant my career, and Angie. I carried about her, I really did. I cared about both of them, but I didn't love her at least like that, and I knew I'd leave her eventually same as I would eventually find a way to divorce Portia…" He lays his head back against the wall looking up at the ceiling as he goes on his voice cracking every other word from the emotion dripping from the words. "Angie was upset to say the least when I ended things… I should have… I should have hid my car keys… her keys… I should have called her a cab… Something!"
When his words stop making sense she breaks her own silence to ask, "Why?"
"She took my keys… She drove off in my car… She wrapped it around a tree… That's how she died Jude… It was all my fault…" Tears spill down his cheeks, after five years he's finally said what he's trapped inside himself, the guilt he feels.
"Tommy… You can't blame yourself for that. What could you have done, honestly?"
"I shouldn't have left my keys where she could get them! I should have stopped her from leaving! I don't know! I should have done something! "He pushes himself from the floor and wall without hitting her as he walks halfway across the room his hands grasping the sides of his head in frustration.
Jude pushes herself from the floor to him and reaches up grabbing his arm and pulling him around to face her. "Tommy, look at me." She waits until he finally gives in and looks down at her then she lifts her hand and places it against his damp cheek. "It was not your fault. There's nothing you could have done Tommy, and killing yourself over it isn't going to do any good either. It won't bring her back, but it will break a lot of hearts."
"That's just it Jude, all I know how to do is break hearts and screw everything up." Despite the despair in his voice he turns his cheek into her hand, he knows he doesn't deserve to have her in his life but at the same time he can't bring himself to pull away. He's only survived this long because of her presence in his life. But tonight he can't stop himself from question it, "Why haven't you left me yet? I'm not good enough…" He finally pulls himself out of her grasp to plop down on the foot of her bed his head falling forward into his waiting hands as he waits for it, preparing for the possibility she'll finally realize he doesn't deserve to have her in any fashion.
She shakes her head crossing the short distance to stand in front of him, leaning down long enough to curl her hand under his chin and lift his head to meet her gaze. "Now you listen here Thomas Anthony Dutois, I have not nor will I ever leave you because you're my best friend. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. I know the lies your momma always used to tell you, but I promise you that's all it was. You've made mistakes, but who the hell hasn't? You've got the biggest heart of anyone I know. I wish you would see yourself clearly Quincy, but since you obviously can't you should listen to me." She places her hands on both of his cheeks, the pads of her thumbs brushing soothingly against the drying tracks of tears as she looks down at him.
He can see all the emotions as they play over her beautiful features and even the never ending love in the depths of her bright blue eyes. He can feel himself falling deeper into their depths. It's not that he hasn't already said it in his own way, so many times since her birthday. The problem is he's scared to death she will wake up and realize he isn't good enough and he doesn't deserve her. "She's my mother Jude, and she's right…" The words mother's always right replaying in his head over and over again as he pulls his face out of her grasp lowering his head again to his hands.
She sighs softly in frustration she kneels down in front of him to look up into his eyes through his hands, "Just because she's your mother doesn't make her right. I don't know what her issues are Tommy, but that's all it is, her issues. You're such a good man Tommy, honest. Do you trust me?"
"With my life Jude, you know that…" He lifts his head slightly reaching out to place the palm of his hand against the smooth curve of her cheek, it kills him to see such pain in her eyes because of the way his mother's always treated him.
"Then trust that I know you better than even she does and I know just how truly wonderful you are, okay?"
"I'll try Jude, I'll try." He leans his forehead against hers, tilting just enough to place a feather light kiss on the end of her nose causing her to smile which of course in turn causes the smallest smile to play across his own lips. He thinks to himself, she's so beautiful when she smiles…
Jude stands and walks to the side of the bed climbing in and patting his usual spot beside her. "Let's get some sleep Tommy. Don't think about anyone else, tonight no one else exists except you and me, okay?"
He crawls from the foot of the bed to the empty place beside her, once they're both under the covers he lays on his side facing her as she does the same wrapping their arms around each other the way they have always done. "Just you and me girl… Goodnight…"
When morning comes Jude slips out of bed quietly silencing his cell phone and grabbing hers without waking him. She changes into a pair of holey jeans and a black tank top and her dying pair of black converse sneakers and pulls her flaming red hair into a ponytail. She descends the stairs two at a time trying to make it to the kitchen before her dad leaves for work at the ungodly hour of 8am. "Morning dad," She greets him with a mischievous smile before grabbing a package of strawberry pop-tarts from the cupboard.
Stuart greets his daughter with a questioning quirk of his brow, "Morning honey, why are you up so early when you don't even have to be in the studio for the next couple of days? "
"I need to run into the studio to give Portia a piece of my mind before Tommy wakes up… Do you think you could maybe be a tiny bit late to work and keep him occupied for me until I get back, please?"
He looks at his watch for a moment contemplating before he nods, "Sure. Just try and hurry, okay?"
She nods quickly pecking his cheek and leaving pop-tart crumbs in her wake before she tucks the keys to the Viper into her pocket and rushes out to the car. She doesn't have her license and sure she could get into a world of trouble, if she got caught. This of course being one of the few bad influences Tommy ever bestowed on her, teaching her to drive before she's legal and allowing her to even touch the Viper unsupervised.
During the fifteen minute drive to the studio she rehearses what she's going to say to the older woman, luckily pulling into the lot in the back at the same time as Portia. She climbs out of the Viper, the top down of course just as Portia turns around recognizing the familiar hum of the engine.
Shock is an understatement when describing the expression across her caramel colored features as she curls both hands on her hips and raises a brow in Jude's direction. As soon as Jude's standing in front of her she starts in, "Do you know I could call the police on you right now for grand theft auto?"
"Actually, you can't. I have permanent permission to drive the Viper with or without Tommy, who do you think taught me?" Jude says with a smug expression before growing serious and not allowing Portia to respond to her first statement. "I'm not here long, just long enough to make something very clear to you. If you ever talk to Tommy about anything unrelated to business I will make certain you regret it. I guarantee I will make your life a living hell. You have no right to treat him that way. I understand your farce of a marriage ended badly; I know he cheated on you with Angie and several others. I don't care. It does not give you the right to show him the amount of disrespect you showed him last night."
"Excuse me? Listen up little girl, conversations between Tom and myself are our business not yours."
"The hell it isn't. Look I get that your pride is still wounded over Angie, and honestly I think you feel guilty about something or else you wouldn't be trying so damn hard to make him miserable over her death five years later when you two have been divorced longer than you were even married. So get the hell over whatever it is you did and leave him alone or if I have to I'll hire someone and find out exactly what you're hiding."
Portia growls, in a rather un-intimidating fashion closing the distance between her and Jude with a predatory air only to have Kwest step between them as he'd arrived in the middle of their dispute. "Don't even think about it Portia," He warns.
"Stay out of this Kwest! Did you just hear how she spoke to me? And she stole Tom's precious Viper!" Portia retorts sounding more like a five year old throwing a tantrum than a grown woman.
"Portia, this is Tom we're talking about, do you really think anyone is capable of stealing that car? Take a look at the keys in her hands; those are her keys, as in her copy of the keys to the Viper, the apartment, everything he owns. Even I'm not allowed to drive the Viper, but he let her take it to get her permit two weeks ago." He puts his hand up in front of Portia to stop her from side stepping him to get to Jude. "Don't. She's not bluffing and she's got more than enough money to hire someone. So confess, back the hell off, or face the consequences. There's no one more serious about him than Jude."
"We'll see about this, I'll just go have a talk with Darius." She folds her arms over her chest as though that would actually scare either of them.
"You might be his little sister and he'll do a lot for you but anything that would cost him money? Get real, you know better than that Portia. Jude is his best selling platinum artists and she's barely sixteen!" He cocks his head to the side eyeing her carefully and her overly defensive nature, "Jude's right, you're hiding something aren't you? What'd you do to him?"
"Nothing!" She says with her voice a little too high to be believable.
"Let's try the truth now." His brow arches as they both close in on her but Portia literally turns tail and runs into the studio while Kwest puts up an arm to stop her from chasing after the woman. "No, just hire someone Jude. I think you're right, something isn't right here. I should have seen it a long time ago. But for Tom's peace of mind, don't let him know you're doing it but follow through and hire someone to dig up the truth. I'll help you find the best if you want."
"Could you? It'll be easier to keep it from Tommy if you find someone for me, I'll pay for it." Jude asks pleadingly.
"No problem, for now just get back to Tom and I'll send you a text as soon as I have the information."
"Thanks Kwest." She hugs him before hopping back into the car and driving back home, back to Tommy.