Chapter 4: Chapter 4
MissLala, you will have to let me know if they have different names or activities for babies in Britain. Very happy my little one isn't this small and fragile anymore!
Faerienutmeg, I meant to say in the last chapter, I used the name you gave Millie's sister in this story, as I can't think of her as anything other than Annie now!
The Visit
When 3pm finally came around Max nervously made his way to the address Millie had given him. He knocked on the door and waited. Millie opened the door. She looked a little more rounded than she had the last time he saw her, but he felt it suited her. Max was a little shocked to see how tired she looked and that she obviously hadn't taken as much care with her appearance as she had in the past. Her hair was tied in a loose pony tail and she had obviously dressed for comfort rather than style.
"Come in," she said without raising her eyes to look at him.
Max walked through the door and looked straight away for a baby, but there wasn't one in view. "Hi," he said, "where's um...?"
"Asleep," Millie didn't wait for the end of the question. She was under no illusion that Max had come to see her.
"So, how is motherhood?" asked Max nervously.
"Hard work," said Millie without the slightest hint of a smile.
"Oh," said Max hesitantly. "I must say you do look tired. But apart from that, you're looking well. You're blooming, as they say."
Millie made a vague smile, "Thanks," she said, and remembering her manners added, "Come and sit down. Would you like a cup of something?"
"Coffee would be nice. Thanks." Max sat and waited for Millie to return. He looked around the flat, hoping she had a picture of his son someone on display. He couldn't see one. He was struck by the contrast between this place and Millie's old flat. She was obviously struggling a bit in her new circumstances.
Millie returned with the coffees. She curled her feet up under her and cradled her cup in her hand. She had decided she would let Max take the lead here. She still held a lot of resentment about him refusing to speak to her when she felt she really needed him.
Max didn't quite know what to say, but the silence was driving him crazy. "So, you and I, um, we have a son."
"I know I do, and considering both the timing and his resemblance to you, I am pretty confident you do too. Of course, you can always check that if you feel the need."
Max nodded. He had thought of getting a paternity test done, but hearing Millie say that made him feel slightly ashamed. Luckily he thought of a way to move the conversation away from controversy. "And you and he are both well? No problems with, ah, the birth or anything?" Then something occurred to him. "Did you have someone with you for the birth? Your mother perhaps?"
"My mother's not exactly fond of children. But yes, my sister was there with me. There were no complications. He was a big baby though."
"So was I, apparently," Max dared to give a slight smile. "And is your sister still around? Does she help you? Older sister is she?"
"Younger. And no she's not here, she just came home for the birth. She lives overseas."
"Who takes over when you need a break then?"
"I don't take breaks." Millie sounded very much on the edge of crying. But she had something we wanted to get said, so she continued. "Look Max, I hope you realise, I didn't mean to get pregnant. I don't know how it happened. I thought what we did was safe…"
"So did I. Look, I have to admit a part of me at first wondered if it was deliberate, but when I thought about it you were the one insisting on using condoms and not taking risks. Maybe one of them was faulty or something."
"Who knows? I have no idea how I got here."
Max could see Millie was getting upset and didn't know quite what to say. Then it dawned on him he should apologise for not being there when she needed him.
"Millie, I'm sorry I didn't take your calls back then. It seems every interaction we have starts with me prejudging you, then having to apologise for it. I should have given you the opportunity to speak."
Millie felt it was time to get some things off her chest. "Yeah well you were rude, and it hurt me a lot. You have no idea how pleased I was with how things went after we slept together. And then I had to do exactly what I didn't want to do, and hound you. As if I didn't feel like I'd humiliated myself enough, with you constantly snubbing and rebuking me, and saying I wasn't smart! But I didn't know what else to do. I thought you had a right to know. But eventually I just had to give up."
"I know Millie." Max really didn't know what else he could say.
At this point the sound of snuffling, whimpering, and then full-blown crying came over the monitor. Millie sighed.
"It's about time for him to be fed. I'll just go get him."
Max watched as Millie left the room. He noticed that his hand was shaking as he held the cup. He had thought the time passed slowly from his phone call to Millie to this visit, but waiting for Millie now seemed to him an eternity.
Millie soon appeared, smiling, which surprised Max, as he had expected her hostility to continue. In fact, she was just so happy to be able to share her wonderful baby with someone else who could potentially become as besotted with him as she was. All Max could see of him so far was the occasional movement in the bundle of blanket he presumed contained his son.
"Here," said Millie, walking up beside Max. "Do you want to hold him?"
The profundity of the moment for Max was so great that he almost wanted to say no. Instead he turned and held out his arms. It wasn't the first time he had held a baby, as he had nephews and nieces and even a godchild. But to him the moment held almost as much significance as a birth.
Millie placed the bundle in his arms, and Max moved the blanket further back to get a clearer view of his face. "I called him Thomas," said Millie quietly, not wanting to intrude too much on Max's moment.
Max said nothing. He just gazed down at Thomas's face. Yes, he was a chip off the old block all right, thought Max, though he had Millie's finer nose.
"Hi Thomas," said Max beaming down at him.
Thomas looked blinkingly up at him and smiled.
Max almost had to fight back tears. He looked up at Millie and said, "Doesn't he have a great smile?"
Millie's face screwed up, and she sank back onto the couch. Tears welled from her eyes. "I don't know," she sobbed. "He's never smiled at me." Here she threw her head down on the couch and sobbed uncontrollably.
Millie's crying set Thomas off as well. Max didn't quite know what to do, whom he should be comforting or even how to comfort either of them. He couldn't go put a reassuring hand on Millie's shoulder because he was holding the baby, and he didn't think it was right to just leave a baby on the couch. In the end he carried Thomas over to his mother's side and sat down beside her.
"Millie, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought he did it all the time." He managed to hold Thomas with one arm and with the other hand rub Millie's back in an attempt to comfort her.
Millie raised her head. "I'm sorry, it's just been, so, so hard, and I'm so tired all the time! I never would have believed that hormones could affect your mood so much, but so many feelings I have just make no sense! Look, do you mind if you hand him back to me for a while? I have to feed him."
Max lovingly stroked Thomas's cheek and handed him to his mother. Max was a bit unsettled as Millie proceeded to unbutton her top to breastfeed. He got up and walked slightly away, turning his back on the scene.
"Max," Millie said. "There's no need to be coy. For one thing, it's completely natural, and for another I'm not showing anything you haven't seen before. In fact, I seem to remember you doing exactly what he's doing right now!"
Max was amused by her candor. "I was more thinking of how you felt about it actually. I didn't want to gawk. But to be perfectly honest this Madonna and child scene is pretty special."
He sat himself down beside her and watched his son feed. After a little while he said, "I just wish you hadn't named him after someone I killed."
Millie was slightly annoyed by this, but she had to admit she had completely forgotten this fact when she chose the name. She replied, "Actually, I named him after my late father, and I wasn't aware you were responsible for his passing."
Max was taken aback. "Sorry Millie, I had no idea. Really, it's a good choice."
Millie looked up at him again. "I didn't give him a second name though, thinking that maybe one day, if you ever found out, you might want to think of one."
Max was clearly chuffed by this. "I don't know what to say! Um, can I have some time to think about it? It's not an on the spot decision."
"Of course." Millie looked down at light brown head of her contented babe and lovingly stroked it.
Max sat in silence and watched until Millie finished feeding Thomas. She moved the baby onto her shoulder for him to digest his feed and then motioned to Max to see if he wanted another hold. Max held him upright as Millie suggested, and Thomas happily kicked his feet in his father's arms.
Thomas's presence seemed to put both of them at ease, so Max decided now would probably be the best time to work a few things out between them.
"So any ideas where we go from here?" he asked.
Millie was pleased he was the one to raise the subject. "I'm not sure what sort of role you want to play in Thomas's life. Are you just here to check him out or do you want him to know you as his father?"
"Of course I want him to know me!" Max was slightly indignant at Millie's question. "I want him to know me, and I want to be involved in raising him, both time-wise and financially."
"As long as you don't ever try to take him from me, I'm happy with that," replied Millie, with a ferocity that Max did not expect. He took it as being the result of some protective mother instinct.
"Millie, you are and always will be his mother. I don't want to come between you. How do you feel about my family seeing him? I'd like him to know his grandparents and aunties."
"That's fine by me. They might do more for him in terms of family than mine can."
"Can I get my sister to ring you? She has a son who's two and a half. It would be nice for Thomas to get to know him."
"Sure, give her my number. It's Thomas's tummy time now. Do you mind..." Millie held out her arms and took the baby from Max. She placed him on a mat on the floor and put a toy in front of him. He clumsily reached to touch it.
Max took out his phone and took a photo of Thomas on the mat. On seeing this, Millie jumped up from her seat and grabbed a photo album from the shelf. She said down again beside Max.
"I'm not sure if you want to see this..."
"No graphic birth pictures are there? You're not going to show me a video of the birth or anything are you?"
"Err, no. Only a bloody new born. Maybe I'll just select a few photos for you then that you can keep." She put the book to the side.
"You know, I do want to look at them some time, but do you mind if for the moment I watch the real thing?"
"Go ahead. I'll just lie down on the couch and have a bit of a rest. Just roll him onto his back soon, or pick him up and hold him again. Remember he's not that strong yet."
Max didn't want to be left alone with Thomas, but he knew Millie needed the rest. In a matter of minutes Millie was asleep on the couch. Max got down on the floor with Thomas, rattled some toys at him, then decided to pick him up. He carried Thomas over to window and pointed a few things out to him, hoping to raise another smile from him. Thomas seemed to get a bit suspicious of his intentions and started kicking and fussing a bit. Max patted him on the back in an attempt to keep him quiet and let Millie get a a little more sleep. When he realised that there was a moist feel to Thomas's little cloth-nappied bottom, he decided that perhaps it was time to let Thomas disturb his mother if he wanted.
Millie opened a bleary eye and looked at Max and Thomas.
"I think he's a bit wet," said Max.
As much as the thought of getting Max to change a nappy and possibly getting a surprise stream of urine in his face appealed to Millie, she sighed and got up and took Thomas from Max. It was only his first day of fatherhood, after all!
"I suppose I should get back to work now." said Max, tickling Thomas under his chin as he snuggled into his mother's arms.
"Oh, I didn't realise you were working today. What did you tell them?"
"I basically told Neil Manson the whole story - that is I told him we had a son, not about, you know..."
"I reckon he might be able to figure out about the 'you know' from the fact we have son anyway. So, are you...happy about Thomas?"
"It's all a bit strange, but yeah, I think so. You?"
"Oh yes. I love him to pieces. Are you going to mention this to people at work?"
"If you don't mind I guess I will. It's not fair on him to be kept a secret. Anyway, it's my mother I'm worried about telling."
"I hope Thomas doesn't have that attitude to me when he grows up!"
"You're not the type to carry on and beat your breast. She is. Well I better go. Call me any time you like, and I'll be in touch anyway."
He put an arm around his son, then extended the hug to include Millie, whom he also kissed tenderly on the forehead.
"See you later then."
A slightly bewildered Millie raised her hand to wave good bye. She and Thomas stood at the door and watched Max start to walk away.
He turned around before he went down the stairs and said, "Oh, and Millie. Thanks for having my baby."
Millie smiled and waved again.