Ch 4: Doubts

Kirk walked onto the bridge the next day and was greeted by Sulu, Chekhov, and other crew members. He didn't, however, see his First Officer or his Communications Officer. He sat down in his chair, a swirl of emotions showing on his face as he thought to himself. Where are those two? Did something happen last night? Spock asked me about breaking things off, so perhaps they're collecting themselves before showing on the bridge. But then again, what if they didn't break up last night?!? What if…

Before his mind could picture the very worst case scenario, the elevator door opened. In walked Uhura, red-eyed and flushed. Her appearance gave Kirk the very answer he needed, but it still didn't explain why Spock was still nowhere in sight. Seeing as he was the captain, he had to show concern for all his crew members. Besides, while he definitely didn't want Uhura to be with Spock, it didn't mean he didn't care about her feelings. He slowly rose out of his chair and stood behind Uhura's chair, leaning over her station.

"Hey, Uhura is everything alright?" he asked in a hushed tone. "You look like something's bothering you."

Expecting a snappy response, something along the lines of telling him it wasn't any of his business and that he should leave her alone, he was taken aback by her voice gently saying, "Yeah, I'm fine. I just, uh, I'm just going through kind of a rough time right now. I'm fine though; I'm fit for duty."

Kirk gave Uhura a look of concern and said, "Alright. If there's anything you want to talk about, you can always talk to me. Being captain doesn't mean all I do is give out orders after all."

Uhura looked at Kirk with her blood-shot eyes which glistened with the threat of tears. Unable to say anything out of fear she'd begin crying, she simply nodded before returning to her duties. Kirk felt an unexpected pang of guilt in his heart. This is Spock Prime's fault, he thought to himself as he returned to his chair. Spock wouldn't even have given me a second thought if that pointy-eared old codger had only explained the Nero incident instead of filling his head with his memories of his relationship with his Captain Kirk. He's probably got Spock all confused…

Eyes wide, Kirk thought of something that made his heart ache to even consider. Oh God, what if everything Spock is feeling for me is just residual feelings from Spock Prime? What if he really doesn't want a relationship with me, but is just completely thrown off balance? That means he broke up with Uhura for nothing, and that the last few days between us were…

"Captain!" Sulu said, his voice barely under a shout. Kirk's attention was brought back to the bridge, where all eyes were on him. He was so lost in his thoughts, he hadn't even noticed that Spock had finally arrived and stood next to him, his brow furrowed with worry. "Sorry…" he said. "What'd I miss?"

"We've successfully left Starfleet and are on our way to our first mission, sir," Sulu said, his voice much quieter now that he had the Captain's attention, but with a concerned look on his face.

Kirk blinked in shock. He had completely missed their departure from Starfleet. He put a hand on his head and shook it lightly. "Great. Uh, good job guys. How long before we arrive at our destination?"

Chekhov chimed in, "At our current speed, approximately four days. Ceepten, are you alright?"

Kirk waved at Chekhov as if he was trying to swat away his apprehension. "Yeah yeah, I'm alright, I was just lost in thought for a while." He stood up, and looked around him. Something about the many pairs of eyes on him made him feel very weird. "Well, considering we have four days until we arrive, we can all relax for a little bit. From this point forward, we'll be going on mission after mission continuously. It'd be wise if everyone made use of whatever free time we have. If you'll excuse me…"

He walked away from his chair and pressed the button for the elevator. The door swiftly opened, allowing him access. He entered the elevator and turned around, most of his crew now exchanging looks at each other. The two pairs of eyes that remained on him were Spock's and Uhura's. He broke the gaze he gave them both, pressed the button for his floor, and let the door close behind him.

Spock stared at the elevator door for a moment before looking at Uhura. He saw the pain that sleep, if she got any, didn't fade from her face. Quickly looking away, he went to the elevator door and pressed the button. The now empty elevator arrived a moment later, and Spock disappeared inside.

Kirk had barely made it into his quarters when a knock came at his door. He closed his eyes in anguish. Could he not get a moment alone with his thoughts? He opened the door and saw Spock. Strangely, his hands rested at his side instead of clasped behind his back. His posture was somewhat lax as well. Why was he allowing himself to appear so relaxed in plain sight?

Without a word, Kirk moved aside and motioned for Spock to come inside. The door slid shut as the Vulcan entered the room. As soon as he reached the center of the room, he turned around to face Kirk. "Are you alright Jim? You were completely unresponsive on the bridge, which is quite unlike you."

Kirk laughed lightly and said sarcastically, "Funny, I figured everyone would be happy that I was keeping my mouth shut for once." Once again, Kirk's humor was lost on the Vulcan, who stared at him with a grave look of concern on his normally stoic face. "There's nothing for you to be worried about Spock, I was just lost in thought. It does periodically happen even to me you know."

Spock wasn't buying Kirk's miserable attempt to hide the truth. "Everyone aboard the bridge noticed that something is amiss, myself in particular. If we are to become more personal with each other, would it not be wise to vocalize any internal conflict you experience?"

Shoulders slumped forward, Kirk sighed heavily. He walked past Spock and sat on the bed, putting his head in his hands. Spock turned to face him, but did not come closer. "This is about the termination of my relationship with Communications Officer Uhura, isn't it?"

"Referring to her solely by rank now Spock?" Kirk said, unable to hide the contempt in his voice. Spock turned his head and said, "It would be inappropriate to address her in the same manner I had when we were involved." Silence. Spock looked at the Captain again, but still he made no eye contact. "When I approached you about my intentions yesterday, you were happy with my decision to end my relationship with Uhura. Now it seems as though you are having second thoughts on the matter." He knelt down, bringing himself to Kirk's level, and then asked, almost scared to hear the answer, "Why?"

Kirk's eyes finally met Spock's, and Spock was surprised at the way he looked at him. He looked hurt, as though he had ended the relationship they had instead of his relationship with Uhura. "I…" Kirk began, finding it hard to talk. He took a moment to calm himself, then tried speaking again. "I talked to Uhura a bit when she came aboard the bridge. I couldn't help but ask her how she was, since it was clear she was upset." Kirk noticed the change in Spock's face when he said this, but continued. "She wouldn't tell me anything. In fact, she swore that everything was alright…but I knew. I knew exactly what was wrong."

He looked intently as Spock, and asked a question he never thought he'd ask. "Spock…do you really want to be with me, and not Uhura?" Spock's eyes widened at hearing Kirk ask him such a thing. Kirk didn't let him respond, but instead revealed the dark feelings he held inside. "I was zoned out on the bridge because I began questioning our relationship. Before you left to see Spock Prime, the thought of being any more than my First Officer was far from your mind. But when you came back, all of a sudden you just had to talk to me and tell me how you feel. I didn't mention this before, but after Spock melded with me, I had…all kinds of thoughts in my head, all of them of you. It got to a point where I couldn't even tell whether my feelings were my own or not and…"

"You fear that I am under the influence of the meld Prime performed with me," Spock said, his words dripping with disappointment. "You have doubts that my feelings are my own."

"Yes," Kirk said softly. "Everything has happened so fast between us…I can't help but wonder…"

Hot lips upon his cut Kirk off mid-sentence. Spock put as much love into his kiss as he could. As conflicted as Kirk was, he couldn't help but return the kiss with the same amount of love in it. They separated and looked at each other. Spock then said, "Do not ever question my love for you. I admit, our coming together was swift, and the common element was the melds we both experienced with Prime. But I assure you, my love for you is genuine and mine alone."

"But Uhura…"

"Uhura means much to me as well, but on a different level than what you mean to me. Had the circumstances been different, it is highly likely that she and I would never have been together romantically as we once were. We were never meant to be more than good friends and colleagues, and I simply put our relationship back in its proper place." He placed a hand on Kirk's cheek, which Kirk leaned into. "Do not feel as though you are to blame for her sadness. I cannot bear to see you in this condition."

Kirk turned his head and kissed the palm of Spock's hand, holding it close to his face and nodding. "Alright. I'll try not to blame myself for the situation."

Spock withdrew his hand from Kirk's face and stood, walking to the door. He turned one last time, giving Kirk a reassuring nod, then left the room.

Sighing, Kirk fell backwards on his bed. He couldn't help but smile at the fact that the Vulcan had promptly pursued him when he left the bridge. He also reveled at how concerned he was for him. Do not ever question my love... Such strong words from a man who hated him just two months ago. Maybe he really was worried for nothing. Maybe his human emotions were simply causing him to be unnaturally paranoid. If Spock was certain that Kirk was the man he wanted to be with, then Kirk would just have to accept that, wouldn't he?