A/N: There were sooo many ways I could have taken this ending, and I really agonized over two paths, and I had several endings written…but then I tossed them all aside for this one. I don't why, but, it seems to me that this was the most bittersweet way to deal with things.
Needless to say, this chapter ended up being a lot shorter than originally intended, but, I also think the story was a fun ride while it lasted…and not bad for an expansion for what had once been a mere one shot idea.
Forever's Confession
Part 4 of 4
Haruki never did get used to the idea of romance, each little thing always seemed to play on her mind.
It wasn't unpleasant, but rather quite enjoyable to never quite have a grasp of romantic routine. Maybe, it was because they didn't have time for one…maybe it was because Suzu herself tended to be a fairly spontaneous person in general. Whatever the cause, Haruki found that more often than not, it was better not to question things, taking them in stride.
That didn't mean that she was self-assured though, and often became acutely aware of Suzu's touch, and sometimes even just her nearness. It was that sort of comfortable invigoration that Haruki found absolutely breathtaking. It was also the sort of thing that kept even the coldest nights filled with warmth.
"Suzu, what on earth?" Dawn was breaking, and that was Suzu's favorite time of day. Whenever the sun was rising or setting, leaving a glow in light. She was a little more playful then, serene and easygoing. "Hey, cut that out." She flicked her eyes to the open living room behind her. "What if someone sees?"
The woman in question shrugged nonchalantly. "What if they do?" Her lips hovering over the back of Haruki's neck. A chuckled breath painting gooseflesh upon the soft skin before her. "They'll have to find out sooner or later. It isn't as if we can shelter them forever." Suzu murmured planting a kiss there to mark her words. "Does that bother you?"
"No, not really." Haruki knew she wasn't exactly the picture of confidence either. "I just don't want to answer anything really odd right now. Depending on who it is, some of them would ask really personal things." Haruki admitted with a gentle blush. "Besides, it's nice, to just relax sometimes."
"I keep telling you that, but you never listen to reason." Suzu chided with good humor. "You're stiff, and if you keep working as hard as you do, you're going to develop a horrible back from all of that heavy lifting." Pushing Haruki's long tresses out of the way, she went about tending to screaming muscles. "There's got to be jobs better suited to you."
"It's hard, yeah, but it keeps me busy." Haruki said as she felt skilled fingers begin to melt away the tension a twelve hour shift caused her. "I think I'd go crazy if I had a desk job. I don't want to be just sitting around all day."
"Be that as it may, you should take better care of yourself. If I were you, I'd go sit in the tub to soak." The effort to convince her lover of that would be a failing one indeed, but every faint hope deserved at least one attempt. "Then, after that, you could get some sleep."
"The kids need to be up and ready for school in three hours. There's no point." Haruki tried to fight off a yawn, but failed as she took another sip of tea from her cup. "This is a night time blend, isn't it?"
Suzu just nodded and refilled the cup once more. "You are not going to be working yourself into exhaustion, I refuse it."
"You know, I have all day to sleep." Haruki pointed out, only to have Suzu shake her head. "What? I'm pulling nights all week, then I have three days off in a row before switching back to the day shift." She hoped that explanation would save her, but a stern look was all that she received, followed by a hand cupping her cheek.
"That isn't good enough of a reason not to get some rest now." Suzu murmured, her thumb playing over a soft cheek, as they faced each other. Haruki's tired eyes gazing dryly into her own. "You'd fall asleep right here, given enough time to do so."
"I'm not that tired...at least not yet." Haruki denied the claim, but truth be told, she was quite tired. "Even if I was, I've got responsibilities." She said lamely, as she stretched.
"All the more reason why you should go to bed now, so that you can help them with homework when they return." Suzu leaned in to give Haruki a lazy but meaningful kiss. "Go to bed, Haruki."
Being agreeable was the better part of valor more often than not, especially since Suzu was a woman well set in her ways. Her word, though gentle, was often her firm belief. It might as well have been carved into stone and made into law. Everything about her was so inspiring. This kiss, like the many before it and the ones that were sure to come after, came filled with that quiet demand.
…
The word love was a funny little thing...finicky and fragile. it was such a term that was both as troublesome as it was true.
They'd sworn not to feel it, and logically, It was an easy thing to promise. Scorning the ability to acknowledge those matters of the heart was the selfsame as not feeling them at all...or so they thought. It soon became clear, that unrequited love, unspoken and ignored was still love. Such a feeling mingled easily with other things, like jealousy, insecurity, and lust.
It bound them like chains rattling incessantly.
Emotionally, on the other hand, was an entirely different kettle of fish. The four letter word was something so strange to say, the meaning a fruitlessly lost endeavor when it came to mere speech. Oddly enough, action alone was not enough to convey the meaning behind the emotion…but it was several months before the two of them could silently admit feeling that distinctly terrifying emotion.
It took even longer to speak it, although they'd been sexually active long before. Soft and sweet murmurs, tangled in lovers knots, the gentle caress of skin on skin...those were things easier to give into...it was much easier, in fact, than saying the words themselves. When such a phrase as "I love you" did inadvertently tumble out from between quaking lips it was little more than a breathy admission.
Simple pleasures, those tiny little moments were the things Suzu loved most.
She could never explain why, but there was something about the way the sun touched the sky that warmed her heart. It always had, and she suspected, somehow, it always would. Yet even as she believed in such a fleeting thing, there was no doubt that it was a double edged sword. Every setting sun was the end of a day, one set closer to the end of an era. That made her hesitant, fearful, and in her attempts to block out the foreboding truth, she because that much more aware of it.
How on earth did a person condense plenty of joy into one lifetime, when that person seemed to live for years unquestionably?
Suzu wasn't sure at first, the implications weren't exactly the easiest to grasp. She tried to consider what it would mean for her. She thought it to be something that would eventually pass. That eventually, just like all of the rest, Haruki would grow up, and she would move on. Much to Suzu's surprise, it never happened. Their days together became steadfast and unwavering.
It was funny, their romantic interactions at first went by painfully slow. Haruki was unsure of herself, shy and awkward. Suzu found herself pulling back on her own whims.
It was likely just as well. There was a whole family to worry about. People who depended on them no matter what else seemed to take place, and Haruki was sure never to forget that…although, Suzu was sure that neither one of them would. There were meals to be made, clothes to be mended, stories to read, lessons to teach…it wasn't as if those responsibilities dissipated into nothingness. Rather, they became even more of the life Suzu had come to know…moving in with Haruki was just the easiest solution to a lot of life's problems.
Although, no one could argue that it caused some as well. Inevitably, Haruki's mother found out about the two of them.
If that alone had not been enough, that self-same discussion also included Suzu's illness. Her inability to age left her looking youthful, even after Haruki was stepping into her adult years. Haruki's mother had taken the news with the expected caution a parent would have, when trying to put the pieces together.
The woman smiled simply, without jumping to conclusions, and her questions were equally fragile…
At first, she was a little skeptical, and not in the least bit unnerved that their relationship was an explicit one, in spite of the clear future ahead of them…yet, Suzu suspected any parent would be. She'd taken to the discomfiture with a grain of salt…and did the same as Haruki's siblings grew older, and offered the same inquiries to Suzu's health. Even in those moments, where tension ran high, and bitter emotions came drifting to the surface, Suzu had accepted that.
If that youthful hesitancy could have gone on forever, it would have been paradise…but, such a future had never been written in the stars…and age was a race against time, one Suzu knew she was going to lose.
…
Life ebbed onward, and days and seasons passed them by. The time came when Haruki's mother eventually passed on. That was a year made difficult by grief, and one Suzu would never forget. As time went on, the children grew older and were far less dependent on them.
Haruki left her youth behind for late twenties and early thirties. That might have seemed like a small jump to some, but Suzu and Haruki both knew the truth. Suzu was starting to look half of Haruki's age, and people were beginning to mistake them for mother and daughter, instead of lovers.
Even if it was expected, that didn't make the pang in Suzu's heart any less real. A once open and loving relationship had to become closeted from the world's view. It was difficult to come to terms with that, to realize that no matter how committed the two of them were, that commitment meant nothing to world around them…As far as the eyes of strangers were concerned, Suzu was just a kid herself.
To the outside looking in, the nature of their relationship would be a perverse one. Those who didn't know the details would be quick to jump to insane, and completely backwards conclusions...but Suzu had known that would be an outcome from the start.
As such, the children whom she often looked after, and attempted to mother as if they were her very own, looked to be as if they were her siblings. Their appearance in relative age was becoming too similar. Eventually, even they would bypass her, and Suzu waited for those days with baited breath, as even Aki stood a whole head taller than her now.
"Pick up the pace or I'll leave you behind." An empty threat, one made in jest was just what Haruki's siblings had come to expect often from the woman who lingered around them. The older ones knew when to fear Suzu's rather strict outlooks and when to brush them off without a care. The younger ones, were quick to run to her side in a moment.
"You know she's just kidding with you, right?" Aki, who had grown quite a bit since his youthful first meeting of the woman, asked his youngest sister as she quickly clung to Suzu's hand, the shy little girl fast on her feet.
"No she's not!" The youngest of the family chirped, before an unhappy thought came to her. "But, you wouldn't really leave me, would you, Su-chan?"
"A question with no answer." Suzu said as she picked up the small girl and placed her atop her shoulders. "Who could say, really. I haven't yet, have I?"
"That's how you know she's joking, right?" Aki muttered to the teen next to him "She is joking, isn't she, Jun?"
"Don't ask me that." She sighed at her brother with a shrug. "I do look like a mind reader?"
"Oh, come now…when have I even left any of you to your own devices as children?" Suzu retorted, sending Aki a soft, but meaningful glare. "The fact of the matter is, I haven't, so unless something changes, I won't."
"That's the kind of thing I always just kind of figured." Aki said with a laugh. "You just sort of showed up one day, and then always stuck around, so I never figured you'd just walk away, even when you threatened us."
"Go ahead and think that, if it helps you to sleep at night." Suzu told him distantly. "The truth is, it isn't exactly that easy to explain either way."
"I don't get it." Aki muttered with a scowl.
"She means that if she's got to leave one day, for whatever reason, she will." Jun growled at him. "God, Aki, you're such an airhead."
"Yeah, well better than being a total geek." He shot back, giving Jun a push.
Jun shoved her brother in return, and one of their tiffs began again. Suzu looked back every now and then, watching the siblings go at it with a roll of her eyes. "Guys, trying to kill each other won't solve anything."
Aki and Jun paused their struggle, the siblings looking to Suzu, arms around each other in a head lock. "Aki started it." Jun protested as she let go of her brother. "Tell him not to be dumb, and I won't have to deck him."
"Haruki sees this, and she'll deck the both of you." Suzu said with a tiny smirk. "Not that I mind one way or the other. You're old enough, should be smart enough too, to know better."
"I don't need Ki-chan to fight my battles for me." Jun sighed as she walked ahead of him in a heavy stride, before turning primly to her brother. "Come on Aki, hurry the hell up!" She hollered before breaking into a dead sprint.
"Damn it, sis!" Aki shouted as he started running after her.
"Teenagers…" Suzu muttered in exasperation as she continued on in a leisurely pace.
…
She would accept life, and the trials it brought without letting fear take hold of her. It was a promise she made to herself when she first decided to get involved with this family at all. It was a promise she continued to make to herself. The canvas upon which she made such prayers was the woman she had grown to love, in spite of the distance that began to become clear.
Some of Haruki's siblings got married and had children of their own…others stayed single and chose their professions over romance. There were also a few stragglers, who had a university degree, but also had an equally hard time finding work. A few of the younger ones had dropped out of school entirely, and had gotten work as soon as they'd found some. Those were the last to leave the nest, and the ones also nearest to home to get help if they needed it.
It came as a shock however, when Aki disappeared one day, walking out with little more than a letter of farewell. Even in times that it shouldn't have mattered, the truth of it all was a harsh mistress.
Late thirties and forties came with what Suzu could only consider to be Haruki's mid-life crisis.
"Would you stop doing that?" Haruki asked quite discontented as her lover continued to kiss her body, long after their love making had ceased. Suzu's lips kept trailing over a blemish that had appeared only recently. "I swear, I'm going to have it removed."
"Oh please, it's just a tiny mole." In fact, considering it sat just above Haruki's belly button, it was kind of cute. "Why are you so worried about your appearance, it's like you're paranoid. It isn't as if anyone else sees this side of you but me, and I do enjoy it very much."
"I see me too, and I don't like what I see." Haruki sighed as she poked at her belly. "Look at that, I'm turning squishy."
Suzu let lose a hearty laugh at that. "You're a supervisor now, it was bound to happen. If you went back to doing grunt work, you'd get those rock hard abs again in no time." It seemed silly for the woman who looked so distraught to be bothered over such a miniscule thing. "Just because you don't have a rock solid belly anymore don't mean you're turning squishy." In fact, Suzu loved the feel of that soft, supple skin. The feel of Haruki's muscles were beginning to ease, softening into a flatter belly than before. Even so, if anything, it made her look more like a woman, and less like a bodybuilder.
"You don't have to butter me up." Haruki sighed as she stretched, feeling the sheets slide off of both of them as she did. "I get it, I'm turning into an old hag. Look, that right there's the start of it. Next thing you know, my hair's going to be falling out and I'm going to shrivel up like a prune."
Again Suzu laughed. "Now you're just being melodramatic."
"I'm being truthful." Haruki shot back, her words a heated whisper. "Don't you get it Suzu, I'm getting older, and I don't like it."
"You think I do?" She leaned down, their bodies tangling together, the changes were minor, but obvious. "This isn't a surprise for either of us, and you're just now getting upset by it?" There were so glaringly real that Suzu felt at a loss. If there was some way to prevent aging in another person, in spite of the hell it might be to live forever, she dearly wish it would be possible. "You're still beautiful you know." To keep Haruki with her forever, to stop the distance that kept crawling further and further away.
"You're my lover, it's your job to say that." Haruki said with a soft smirk, before she frowned again. "I would kill to have an ass like yours again, and boobs too."
"Would you shut up? Men turn their heads to look at you all the time." Suzu murmured pleasantly when she felt her lover cop a feel. "They hit on you too, so you must be beautiful."
"I don't want to turn their heads." Haruki said with a sigh, her fingers lifting from Suzu's breasts to tangle into her silky tresses. "I just…I don't know."
"You do know, you just don't want to say it." The admonishment remained gentle as she leaned into her lover's touch. She there were just some things Haruki wouldn't voice, even if those things came through clearly in her expression. At the sight of it, Suzu let slip a silly little grin. "Well, if it's any consolation, you don't have to turn mine." Suzu said quietly. "I'm looking right at you, and I still love what I see."
…
Through all of the struggles expected, and even those that came as a shock, Haruki and Suzu remained true to each other, and to their distancing, but growing family.
Haruki thought that maybe such a thing, even something so entirely bitter sweet, was best suited committed to memory. Keeping a diary may have seemed silly, Suzu often took great amusement at the thought, but Haruki continued to doodle in it anyway. Sometimes, it was just a small sketch with a paragraph underneath. Other times it was a photo pasted to the paper, no words to describe the feelings already captured by that still image. More often than not, though, it was page after page of musings, scribbled as fond afterthoughts.
There came a time when those pages became invaluable…a time Suzu expected to come, but had not truly prepared for.
From youthful indiscretion, to the humorous insanity of a young woman, and even the trials of adulthood…Suzu had watched those days pass her by at Haruki's side until Haruki herself began to become a shadow of her former self. Some might have found that particular misfortune to have fallen over the household too soon, but Suzu knew the truth.
"Are you comfortable?" Suzu asked her ailing lover.
"Huh?" Haruki looked over and then nodded to Suzu. "Oh, yes, yes. I'm just fine."
"Alright then, please, let me know if you need anything." Suzu told her with a waning smile.
"I think, I would like to just rest." Haruki said tiredly, requiring sleep more and more. "If that's something you don't particularly mind."
"Why would I mind?" It weak laugh, as if she thought Haruki foolish. Truth be told, it was actually far more painful than that. "Sometimes, you push yourself too hard. Of course you should rest."
"Sorry, Suzu..." Haruki murmured weakly. "I've gotten old."
"You don't have to apologize all the time." Suzu swallowed hard as she nervously put the empty cups and plates from dinner into a tray to take into the kitchen. "It's not exactly something you can control."
It would always be too soon…and yet, maybe such a thing would also be long enough. Haruki might have forgotten many things along the way, and maybe over time, decades seemed like drops in a bucket. Either way, it was something dearly earned. Something to always be held and cherished.
So on a particularly hard nights, when Haruki could no longer recall a few of the people in her life, Suzu opened that book, and read the last passage to herself, finding each word on the page harder to swallow than the last...on evenings such as this, when clarity remained, and Haruki wasn't lost to the fog of her mind, those words were even harder to bear.
Fleeting, perhaps...because one day, nothing of those memories would remain.
When Suzu had returned from doing the dishes, Haruki had already fallen asleep, and so Suzu took to her new, nightly ritual. She pulled the bookmark from the book, finding the last page, and with a steading breath, began to read.
Knowing that anything after this one page would be blank left Suzu feeling numb, the idea feeling far too final for her own good.
-Alzheimer's huh, well what can I say to that?
I thought I was just getting a little forgetful here and there. Oh, but what can I do? I certainly can't be bitter about it forever, I won't let myself be like that. I don't have the need, nor the time. Besides, there's something calming about just accepting matter as they come. This news bothers you more than me, I'm sure, Suzu. If anything about this news bothers me the most, it's that you're the one that's going to have to deal with me.
Your mind's still as sharp as a tact, so I know that you'll remember things for me. I'm unreasonably lucky about that, Suzu. Everyone else has to worry about their lovers aging and leaving them behind. They have to worry about dying alone…I never had to be afraid of that…I know you won't ever let me even think about such an outcome.
Forgive me Suzu, but it looks like I'll be living out your dream in your steed.
I suppose that's not the worst way to go. In fact, I think, maybe that's a luxury. I don't recall ever living anywhere else but here. The house was old when I was merely a little girl, and over the years it's only gotten older. I wonder sometimes…why we stayed. Why we didn't move, and raise a family of our own, traveled the world, and had more adventures…oh, well, maybe you've had enough adventures for one life, who knows. It doesn't rightly matter now, does it?
I don't regret not being well traveled, and I would never say that I didn't relish every moment I spent by your side...in fact, the only thing I'm bitter about, is leaving you behind...because I know that in some ways, I've failed you.
I know you wanted a kind and warm family, with lots of people, but…I still almost wish you would have given birth to a daughter of your own, genetics be damned. Suzu, it might even be a blessing. Then you wouldn't have to be alone, ever. Damn eternity anyway, I suppose.
I've never been very good with words, so, I don't know what I can say to any of this…I know that, in my heart of hearts, I don't want to forget you…and the loss of the things I've always known. That scares me, and that kind of situation is out of my hands.
We can't do anything but accept it, but, if that's too hard for you, I understand…in fact, if that ever gets to be the case, it might be best if your forgot about me too. Turn your back on me, walk away if you have to...do what you need to do.
Whatever you feel you have to do, just do it, without regard for my needs.
I think I'm beginning to understand what you mean about bygone days. Those kinds of memories that you just can't reach out for. My mother was lucky she died young, all of her memories intact, and all of her children around her to give her the warmth she deserved. It may sound completely terrible, but, I almost wish myself a swift death, if only so that I won't die with emptiness in my heart, and vagueness in my mind...
Vagueness...Suzu...I hate that vagueness the most. The times when I know that I should be able to figure out who a person is...or what I'm supposed to be doing...but then I just can't, for the life of me. The confusion...that bothers me too, but only a little.
Dying like that, it worries me, but my greatest fear is you. Suzu…what are you going to do when I'm gone? Will you come with me, or stay behind? How are you going to cope with this, because somehow, some way, you're going to have to.-
Suzu looked up from the page, pulling a tear away from her eye.
She looked over to Haruki who had fallen asleep. The question on the page was one that was hard to say. If she were honest with herself, that was something Suzu hasn't quite yet figured out the answer for. She was almost temped to follow Haruki to her grave, and had even prepared a bottle of arsenic for that very cause.
If life after Haruki's death became too difficult, Suzu was fully prepared to drink it.
She could admit that it was a morbid thought, but, one that tempted her none the less…and Suzu had to admit, she'd lived a very, very long time. Several lifetimes now, if she were honest with herself. She could be more than excused for taking her own life, having lived as fully as she had. It was a tempting thought, to say the least, and one that plucked at her mind, the weaker Haruki got.
Suzu shook her head with a sigh as an abrupt loud knocking smashed on the front door, she expected to see Jun or one of the others who came by to visit often...
When she opened the door, only the dark night greeted her, and the pattering of drizzle upon a tarp. Then, she made the fortunate mistake of looking down. The sight she beheld was one that made her want to laugh and cry at the same time...
"This family is one sick joke after another, isn't it?" Suzu asked the night air with a sigh as she lifted the small bundle into her arms. The baby couldn't be more than a few months, if that. Golden eyes, and ruddy red locks of hair enough of an answer. "Well then, for your sake, I guess it can't be helped…" She told the baby with a roll of her eyes. "I suppose I'll choose to live."