The Galactic Dating Game: Episode IV-A New Honeymoon
Jar-Jar: Hi-ho there, Kermit the Frog here, reporting live from Sesame Street…
BTSD: Whoa, whoa. Is that what the teleprompter says?
Jar-Jar: No, meesa just talking like that green guy next door…weesa be friends, maybe.
BTSD *muttering*: Yeah, right. DV?
DV: Yes, I'm back. Ahem. Welcome, everyone, to Episode IV of the Galactic Dating Game! Before our next Bachelorette comes out, let's welcome last week's couple, Qui-Gon Jinn and Danni Quee!
*Qui-Gon and Danni walk onstage, holding hands, slightly tipsy*
Jar-Jar: Ummm, so, howsa was it?
Danni *giggling, hiccupping*: It was-hic-very-hic-nice. I didn't know-hic-that Corellian brandy tasted so-hic-good.
Jar-Jar: Errrrrrrrrrr…
Qui-Gon *swaying, sounding hoarse*: Yeah, yeah, the honeymoon was nice…*swings arm around BTSD*
BTSD *panicked*: AH! GET HIM OFF ME, GET HIM OFF ME!
DV *nervously, moving away from Danni*: Yes, um, well, thank you. Um…will someone come get them off the stage?
Danni *as she and Qui-Gon are dragged offstage*: HI MOM, HI DAD! *waves*
BTSD: Um, okay. Now, um, maybe you could introduce the bachelorette, Jar-Jar.
Jar-Jar: Um, hey, meesa knowsa da bache-bache-bache-
DV: Bachelorette. Ladies and gentlemen, she's come from the far reaches of space and time to join us here tonight. Please applaud our bachelorette, Queen Padme Amidala!
*Amidala walks onstage; audience cheers, men whistle*
Amidala: Thank you.
DV: And now, will our bachelors please enter! Bachelor One!
*Young Obi-Wan walks onstage, behind curtain splitting him from Amidala; loud thud as all females with any sense hit the floor*
Obi-Wan *using Force to change his voice*: Hello, my Queen.
Amidala: My, my. You remind me of my cousin's husband. *fans herself*
DV: Bachelor Two!
*(Older) Anakin Skywalker walks out; females just recovering from Obi-Wan hit the deck again*
Anakin *also using Force*: Hello, darling. You're going to marry me.
Amidala: Well, well, well. I certainly picked the right day to appear.
DV: And finally…Bachelor Three!
*Luke walks out; females recuperating from Anakin stare in disgust*
Luke *forgetting to use the Force*: What, no thud?
Amidala *frowning*: Do I know you?
Luke *hurriedly, remembering Force*: Err, no.
Amidala: Obviously not. That voice…mm.
*Titters run through the crowd; females rethink their opinion of Luke*
Jar-Jar: Um, now yousa goin to ask da questions, oky-day?
Amidala: Who the heck picked you to be the host? Um, anyway. Bachelor Number One, do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the galaxy?
Obi-Wan *bowing slightly, as the audience can see him*: Whatever you say, my Queen.
*THUD*
Amidala *picking herself up off the ground; panting slightly*: Um, well, err, yes, um…oh my, when is the commercial break?
BTSD: As soon as you finish the first set of questions.
Amidala: Ah. Well, Number Two, if you were a naïve nine-year-old slave, would you ask me if I were an angel?
Anakin: Um, yes.
Amidala: Urgh, I hate it when people ask me that. Number Three, do you enjoy swamps?
DV: Hey, wait, that's not the ques-
*DV stops as Amidala says "Sh!" and then smiles flirtatiously at him, mouthing "Meet me backstage."*
Amidala: Three?
Luke: Yes, actually. I didn't see a lot of water as I was growing up, so I love swamps.
Amidala: Perfect! Well, that's it. Can we have our commercial break?
Jar-Jar: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm…*looks at BTSD*
BTSD: Yeah, fine. Hey! *yelling at Ad Person*
*Ad person walks onstage; contestants, host, DV exit*
Ad Person: Well, now everyone needs to go see Harry Potter!
Audience member I: Is there anything else?
*Ad Person starts running through the audience yelling "Crucio!" while people dive aside*
*BACKSTAGE…*
Amidala *surrounded by handmaidens*: You know what? I think Three is going to win.
Sabe: Erm, why?
Amidala: Well, he wasn't brainwashed like One, and Two sounded like a jerk…now hold on, I told that guy with the Deep Voice that I'd meet him…
*BACKSTAGE, with the Bachelors…*
Anakin: Hey, Luke! You're married!
Luke *glumly*: Actually, Mara left me for Corran.
Obi-Wan: Really? You mean I don't get a namesake?
Luke: Huh?
Obi-Wan: And you accused Danni of not keeping up with EU?
Luke: Well, this is not official EU, is it? It's a thirteen-year-old girl's demented brainchild-
Obi-Wan and Anakin *slapping hands on Luke's mouth, looking horrified*: SH! No one's allowed to know that!
Luke *prying hands away from mouth*: Okay, okay.
Obi-Wan: Anyway, why are you here?
Luke: I'm getting back at Mara, of course.
Obi-Wan: Revenge? Aren't you always preaching against that?
*BTSD come over; Luke is making "slit-throat" gestures at Obi-Wan*
BTSD: Two minutes, people.
*ON STAGE…*
Ad Person *bending over still audience member*: I'm sorry! I didn't know Avada Kedavra actually worked!
Audience member II: Hey! You killed my auntie!
Ad Person: Oh, terribly sorry about that!
DV: And now, back to the-
Ad Person: Wait, wait, the ambulance hasn't left yet…
DV *sighing, ambulance sirens in the background*: Are they gone?
Ad Person: Yep! *runs offstage*
DV: Anyway, welcome back to the Galactic Dating Game!
*Amidala and bachelors file back in, Jar-Jar sits in seat*
Jar-Jar: Whoa, meesa get to talk now! Well, weesa back for the final ques-ques-ques-ques-
Amidala: Questions, you incompetent child.
Jar-Jar: Hey, meesa no kiddy-widdy. Oh, looksa, meesa seein' a three-headed dog! *wanders away*
Amidala *snorting*: Uh, yeah. Question 2 for Bachelor One. If the galaxy was coming to an end today, would you still go on a date for me or would you go and save everyone?
Obi-Wan: I'd go save everyone, my Queen.
Amidala: I figured as much. You're a stereotypical hero.
Obi-Wan *faking Arnold Schwazzenager voice*: What? I don't know what you mean.
Amidala: You're using a fake voice?
Obi-Wan: Yah, we all are. My Queen.
Amidala: Oh. Well, anyway, Two, should you be the most powerful Jedi?
Anakin: Of course! One day I'll be the most powerful Jedi ever!
Amidala: Ani?
Anakin: Amidala?
Amidala: Yes…well, that was a long time ago. You're out of the running.
Anakin *wounded voice*: Yes, well, I understand.
Amidala: Anyway, Three, will you take me on a date? Would you mind marrying me?
Obi-Wan and Anakin: Now that's just sick!
Luke: Why? Um, yes, I will.
OW&A: Um, no, that's illegal.
*Curtains pull back, Amidala realizes that she's going out with her son*
Amidala: EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Luke: What? I think I took a shower this morning…
Everyone: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…
Amidala *walking out with Luke; muttering*: I can't believe I'm doing this…
DV: Tune in next week for The Galactic Dating Game, Episode V: The Ex Strikes Back. G'night, everyone!