So here's the dealio. I've written all of the chapter titles and a short summary about what happens in them. I have a pretty close idea as to how the story will plan out. And there will be roughly 28 chapters. So a long one here. My longest one, actually. I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: Joe Jonas, plot, writing. Do not steal, please.

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Chapter 4- Holding Together

January 20

Journal-

Have you ever felt like you worked so hard for something, then found it being torn down? Or realizing you have only one person?

I know the feeling.

It all started when I got home from school today. I remember it clear as day, too. I slipped off my blue flats and dropped my pink backpack to the ground. There was a different feeling in the air, a feeling of somewhat tension, but more like change. I remember knowing immediately that something was about to go down.

I cautiously walked into the family room where I found my mom sitting on the chair with tears staining her face. My dad sat opposite of her, and his eyes were stone cold. They showed no emotion whatsoever. I had always known that my parents had their...disagreements. But they always seemed to work them out. It wasn't something to be questioned, and it wasn't something that was anything different. I mean, everyone's parents has disagreements, right?

Well anyway, I knew my parents had theirs. It usually revolved around my mom accusing dad of cheating on her or dad doing the same. Sometimes it involved money issues or even things with drugs. I knew the second I saw the two of them that they'd had another fight, but this one was worse. I could almost feel the hurt myself. It was shaking, right to the core.

I vaguely noticed my older brother's music blaring from his room. Some Japanese Rock stuff he's always trying to get me to listen to. Whatever.

My feet moved themselves to the couch where my body sat me down. My eyes searched the two of them, trying to find any sort of inkling as to what had happened. My mom cleared her throat softly.

"Lilly. Your...father and I have some news to tell you." her voice was hoarse, as if she had been screaming. I nodded.

"Your mother and I have agreed that its time..." dad trailed off. I wish they would have stopped saying "your mother/father and I". It made me think that they were...separating themselves. I see now that they were.

"Just say it, Michael. No reason to beat around the bush." my mom spat viciously. I glanced at her quickly.

"Don't use that tone with me." my dad argued.

"What? Does your secretary not talk to you like that? Is that why you want me to stop?"

"Oh stop acting sorry for yourself! You brought it on yourself!"

"Oh right! I asked you to sleep with your secretary. Sure I did." she yelled.

"Just-"

"Shut up!" I screamed. They turned to look at me with wide eyes. "Just tell me whats going on!"

I remember the feeling shifting at that moment. They became even more fidgety. Their eyes were glued to me, and mine shifted between the two of them.

"Your mother and I have decided it would be best if we took a little break." Dad told me sincerely. For a split second, I actually thought thats what he meant. Just a break. People needed breaks, didn't they? It was normal.

"She's not a child, Michael. She's 16." she turned to look ate me then, and I saw the regret in her dull grey eyes. "We're getting a divorce, Lil."

I remember my head starting to spin. My mind raced. My body went rigid. My ears are still ringing, still echoing even now. Some unknown feeling had risen up in me. It was uncontrollable. It was bubbling up inside me. I couldn't stop it.

"No. No you can't be! Whatever it is you can work it out!" I screeched, bursting suddenly. My dad shook his head and walked over to me, trying to wrap his arms around me. I pushed him off, yelling at him not to touch me.

"Its not something we can just work out. We've tried, but its just not there anymore." he said. I glared at him.

"No. I have worked too hard trying to keep this family together for you to just throw it away. You can't sit here and tell me that its just not there anymore. You're just not trying enough. You can't toss away all my hard work. You just can't do it." I know I sounded immature, but its true. I found myself gluing my family together for years of my life. I fought to keep us together, and it hurt for them to throw that away. It was as if someone had thrown away your best schoolwork, that A test.

They had tried to tell me there was nothing they could do, but I didn't listen to them. I didn't want to. I didn't want to accept it.

I had stormed out, grabbed this journal, and headed to my brother's room. My brother, Nathan, and I are as close as we could be. I tell him everything, and I trust him with my whole soul. He's kind of like my other half. He makes me feel whole.

As soon as I walked into the room, he wrapped his arms around me. He knew that I would break down, and I did. The two of us collapsed to the ground and held each other as I cried. There weren't any tears coming out, just sobs. Sobs that wracked me to my very core. He offered no comforting words, for I knew he didn't have any. It hurt him as much as it hurt me.

About an hour later, and he finally spoke.

"He hits her sometimes, you know." he had whispered, and I'll never forget those words. I sniffled.

"I know."

He cocked his head to the side.

"He's um, he's done it to me a couple times, too." I murmured. A look crossed his face that still makes me feel sort of...sort of safe. I know it sounds weird, but he got so mad that his face was of uncontrollable rage, and I couldn't help but feel safe, like someone was watching over me.

As he tried to storm out of the room to do heaven knows what, I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Its never anything major, Nate." I assured him quietly. He nodded, but still clenched his other fist.

"It doesn't matter, Lils. He hurt you. Fine, he can hurt mom. But he can't hurt you." he objected through clenched teeth.

"Hey." I whispered, and he looked at me with a flurry of emotions flashing through his deep blue eyes, "I'm okay, alright? I'm still standing. I'm not badly hurt. Just calm down, okay Nathan? I need you to calm down."

He held my gaze for a few more moments with his hand frozen on the doorknob. I pleaded with him through my eyes. I can still feel that feeling in myself. Panic, need, almost a rushed feeling. But he finally let his hand drop from the doorknob and squeezed my hand back. The relief that had flooded over me I can't even describe. It was...relief. There really isn't a way to describe it.

But now here the two of us are, 3 hours later. We talked a little bit earlier. We knew we would stay together through everything, and we knew we would try not to get involved. It wasn't something either of us needed right now, but it was forced upon us. It's not something we can change or control, no matter how much we want to. So we have to stick together.

I heard the door slam a few minutes ago after some screaming and packing. I'm pretty sure that dad is gone. Nathan sends me a look as loud sobs can be heard from downstairs at a soft part in his music.

"Turn it up." I whisper softly, and he does.

He'll do anything for me.

I can't imagine life without him.

-Lilly

January 22

Journal-

This past day, I've spent my time with my brother. Whether its going to the store to get ourselves some comfort food or hanging out in his room, I haven't left his side. He's really the only thing keeping me sane what with dad gone to who knows where and mom at bars and clubs all the time.

I've also done a lot of thinking. I'm starting to question things I was once sure of. I mean, my parents being together was as sure as rain being wet. It was something that was constant. It made me feel safe. I never once thought that I would be that kid stuck in a divorce and a custody battle. I always thought that our family would stay together as a happy family.

But now thats been ripped away from me. I can't help but wonder what else will be. Will all of my friendships crumble? Will I even be able to see my dad? Will I see my mom? What other things just aren't there anymore? There's an ongoing list of questions and uncertainties running through my head at all times. I question every move I make, I question every move others make that involve me. I wonder who else will hurt me.

Then again, maybe thats part of life. Maybe everyone questions things, and maybe this is supposed to show me something. But I can't see what I'm supposed to be seeing. All I see is a blur of confusion, pain, and longing.

You know, Buddha always taught that desire and longing was the epitome of all human suffering and pain. Maybe he was on to something. Because I sit here, and I long for things to be how they were. This causes me pain.

Maybe he wasn't so insane after all.

Now that I've got that down, I still wonder about everything. The most prevalent is asking myself 'Who's going to hurt me next?'.

Wouldn't you?

-Lilly

January 29

Journal-

My mom came home today.

She's been gone for 8 days. I guess I shouldn't of expected anything more from her. She gets hurt, she runs away to some club to get drunk or get extra money stripping.

Nice mom, eh?

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. She's absolutely amazing. But sometimes she just doesn't know where to go. She's not as sure of herself as she seems, and maybe thats one of the reasons she was always accusing my dad. Not that I blame her. He worked late most nights and came home with another woman's perfume all over him. I'd think he was cheating, too.

Of course, he was, but thats besides the point.

Point is, my family has been falling apart for a long time now, but I've been too bust trying Elmer's glue us back together when not even super glue would work. We had split into 3 parts, you could say. Dad, Mom, and Nathan and me. I didn't want to face the music, and I tried so hard to keep the four of us together. It just didn't work. And it wouldn't ever.

I've been trying to hold together my family, when I just needed to let us fall apart.

-Lilly

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Ta-da! Not too eventful (I guess) but it held A LOT of info along with some FORESHADOWING. So if you didn't really catch any of that, you might want to reread it. Big foreshadowing in this one. Well, not really big but it foreshadowed something big. Get it?

Anywho.

Review, lovies?

--Lani