Her Name

Chapter Four

As I prayed, I began to drift in and out of a restless slumber. I could still feel my maker's presence, like a damp blanket, trying to extinguish the last, small remnants of my will. I needed to sleep, my body was demanding it, but I was desperate to stay awake, to get away, to keep fighting. How could I just sit here, waiting for my final death, when I knew the plans my sire had devised for my love.

For the first time in many long days, I tried to struggle against the chains. It was useless, of course; my tortured and starved body was no match for the silver. My efforts served only to weaken me further, and I clenched my teeth together in impotent rage. I didn't even have the strength inside me to scream aloud at my own uselessness.

I despaired.

Maybe the stories really were true, I thought absently. Maybe I really was devoid of a soul. Maybe I truly had been abandoned by God.

And maybe this unrelenting pain and my tortured thoughts was my very own, personal hell.

My head fell forward in utter defeat, and the last remnants of hope seemed to drain away. It was all over, I knew - my life; my mission; my chance at redemption. I had lost it all.

With the most overwhelming feeling of despondence I had ever experienced, I closed my eyes and succumbed to oblivion. And I dreamed.

My ragged mind conjured up visions, both horrible and wonderful. My existence lay bare before me, and I saw myself as though I was watching a play. I saw my maker most clearly. I recalled the night she claimed me as her own, remembered the fear and the pain as I died. I saw myself rising as vampire, and watched while I fed for the first time, killing my victim as if in a frenzy.

But it wasn't the first time I killed.

The visions changed and I saw myself again, but this time I was far different. I was breathing, warm with the blood that pumped through my veins. I was in a familiar uniform, in a trench, cut off from the others in my unit. I was hungry and in pain from festering wounds. I saw someone running toward me, an enemy soldier, and his eyes were filled with a terrible rage. His weapon was raised as he charged forward. He was coming to kill me, and I was terrified. There in that trench, alone, I prayed.

My past swirled away then, and I returned to the present. But something had changed while I had been drifting through time. My senses flared, and I realized I was no longer alone. I looked up, stared into blue eyes I never thought I'd see again, gazed at the face that had haunted my soul for so long. Something stirred deep inside me; something akin to hope. I was mesmerized.

Some part of my mind understood that I was dreaming - hallucinating, really. It had happened before, many times, since the night I was first placed in the chains. My reality was becoming distorted again, getting tangled up with the misty world of sleep-deprived fantasy. But I didn't care anymore. There was no reason left to fight, I had nothing left to lose and nothing left to give. So I relished the illusion that stood before me; the image of my Sookie, gazing at me from across the room.

She raised her hand, put a delicate finger to her lips and moved toward me. She wanted me to be silent, yes, that is what the gesture meant. I watched her, astonished. I had dreamed of her for so long, begged fate to allow me to see her once more, and I had been mercifully rewarded. It was more than I could have hoped for, more than I deserved. And I didn't care if she was simply and illusion, I would do anything she asked of me, anything at all. And if she wanted my silence, then yes, I would give her that.

She came closer and my ravaged mind conjured up the memory of her scent, so strong and so tangible I almost believed she was real. But she couldn't be real, could she? My Sookie, my love, was safe and far from here. Wasn't she? The vision came closer.

"Key," a soft voice whispered in my ear, and I had to struggle to understand the meaning of the word. I tried to speak, and failed. I tried to focus my eyes on the place near the door that held the keys to my freedom, but I couldn't tear my gaze away from the face that looked down on me with urgency and resolve. She was more lovely than I remembered.

I forced myself to concentrate. She wanted something, and I could not deny her. I tested my fingers, tried to move them, one by one. Every movement was agonizing, but finally I found a finger that was left unbroken and I used it to point, as best I could, at the keys on the wall.

I watched the vision of my Sookie as it moved back across the room. Sleep was pulling at me now, harder than ever, but I refused to allow my eyes to close, lest my love disappear. And she would, I knew. Or would she?

A terrible thought bubbled in my mind, and I was instantly and desperately afraid. How much time had passed since my maker had left me alone? Had it been hours? Days? I had no concept of time any longer, and I had been drifting. I had also been close to breaking under the torture.....had I? Had I revealed the name my maker wanted? Had she found my love and brought her to this place, to torture her before me?

My God, maybe this vision wasn't just a vision. Could my beloved really be here, now, in this room? I struggled to clear my head, to think past the pain and the pull to sleep, but I was too far gone to understand anything with clarity now. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping when I opened them that the beautiful vision would be gone. She had to be gone, she needed to be gone! If she was real, then she was in terrible danger, and I had truly, finally, failed her.

I opened my eyes after a moment, and saw nothing before me but the dank room, the bare light, and the familiar patterns of blood and I was flooded with relief. She wasn't here; she was safe. But then I saw the keys that were a constant fixture in my line of sight were gone.

No!

I heard the sound of breathing behind me, felt the tug as the locks that bound me to the silver chains came free. And then I knew it was all too real. I felt anger rise within me, and a dreadful fear. My maker was still here and she was still awake; I could feel her. She would kill my Sookie. Kill her, or worse. I felt like a cold hand had reached into my chest and grabbed hold of my silent heart.

Had I done this, I wondered? I had wished so fervently to see my love again. Was this to be my final punishment for my crimes? To have my dream fulfilled, and then see it twisted into a nightmare when my maker turned her vile torments onto my love?

Searing pain ripped into me then, ending my train of thought. My flesh was being flayed, stripped away slowly as the silver chains were unwound. I nearly cried out, I wanted to cry out, but I held my silence. My Sookie had asked me to be silent, I remembered this, and I concentrated on accomplishing that one, small task. The stench from my charred flesh became more pronounced as the last of the chains fell away and it filled my nostrils, mercifully masking my love's unique scent.

I felt arms gently encircle me, and I heard whispered words in my ear. I was so tired now, so utterly exhausted, I could scarcely concentrate to understand what my darling was trying to tell me. There was a car, she said. She was going to drive me away. Did I understand, she wanted to know. I nodded.

Oh yes, this was something I definitely understood. For the second time, this fragile mortal was going to save me. And for the second time, I knew I didn't deserve it. My guilt threatened to overwhelm me, and I vowed to make amends for my mistakes. I would earn this chance she was giving me.

"Who the hell are you?"

I flinched. I knew that voice. I knew that scent. I knew the agonizing pressure that invaded my head, forcing my submission.

I cringed. This was it; the culmination of my torment. My love was going to pay the price of my failure, and I was going to be forced to watch.

I fought against the compulsion to heel, the desire to heel. I couldn't let this happen. I had to protect my Sookie, but I couldn't move; I was too weak from the hunger and the torture and the lack of sleep. And worse, the more I tried to fight, the stronger the crushing pressure in my mind became. I felt my knees begin to buckle under the strain.

My brain worked desperately to find a way, some way, to save my Sookie from this she-demon. I had no physical strength and my mind was in shreds. What did I have left to give to her?

Words were spoken, vile and taunting, and then the scene before me began to alter, and time seemed to slow to a crawl.

My maker's eyes went wide, her fangs descended and she began to charge. I felt my love's terror as my own, and then I understood I had been wrong, I was not helpless to protect her. I remembered that a part of me was still strong and vital - the part I had gifted to her when I gave her my blood. That piece of me was still safe inside her, and it couldn't be taken away or diminished.

I rallied the last vestiges of my strength, and I gave as much of myself as I could to her through my blood. And at that moment, my tenuous hold on reality broke away.

I was suddenly back in that tench so many years ago, in another lifetime, a human lifetime. I saw the enemy soldier charging at me, weapon raised. I knew I was going to die if I didn't act, and without conscious thought I grabbed my own weapon from the ground and held it in both hands, angling it upward....

And as I watched myself in my vision, I saw my Sookie mimic the gesture exactly, raising up a wooden stake, holding it in both hands, angling it upward...

I felt my arms go rigid as the enemy soldier lunged at me. I heard the tearing of his flesh as he was impaled upon my bayonet, felt the shudder of his body as he realized what happened. His eyes went wide, then dulled, and he whispered a single word before he died.....

I watched as my Sookie's arms went rigid when my maker lunged at her. I heard the sound of the stake as it pierced my sire's flesh. I watched as my maker's eyes went wide with shock, then dulled. I heard her whisper a single word...

"No."

And the excruciating pressure in my head was suddenly relieved, my mind became my own again, and a terrible and wonderful sense of loneliness and emptiness consumed me.

I was free.

I stared at the lifeless heap on the floor, the remains of the woman that had taken my life and demanded my loyalty. Then I stared at her killer, the woman that had given me back my life and gifted me with her love.

Even if I would have had the strength to speak, at that moment I knew there were no words to describe the whirlwind of emotion spinning inside of me.

Sookie had never killed before, and she fell to her knees on the floor. I had done the same, long ago, after I killed for the first time. After I pulled my bayonet out of the body of that young, enemy soldier, I had fallen to my knees, feeling sick at heart.

I don't know how much time passed, but after a while Sookie was speaking again. She asked me a question.

"That was Lorena?"

I nodded, curious as to why that name no longer held any power over me.

I felt my love cover me with something warm and heavy, felt her haul me to my feet. She willed me to move, both with her words and her actions. She half carried me, and a portion of my mind wondered at her unnatural strength.

I forced my feet to move, but I felt as though I was trying to walk through quicksand. Every step was a struggle, and only the sound of her voice kept me putting one foot in front of another.

And then a door opened and I felt sunlight explode in my eyes. I heard myself moan, and the last of my strength gave way. All coherent thought dissolved as the call to sleep took control. I felt myself falling, hitting something hard and then rolling. Then I felt nothing at all.

- To be continued