For three weeks Youko kept Haruka in a medically induced coma to heal her most life threatening injuries. By the time she woke the trial was over and Shizuru was gone. Where she went no one could tell her. Just that if it wasn't for the appearance of Yukino's former roommate at Windbloom University, Rin Lake, who was a licensed barrister in Windbloom, Shizuru would have gone without any defense at the trial. Rin insisted on representing both Haruka and Shizuru and did a thorough job of it, bringing witness after witness and endless documentation and evidence of Fidelus Altus' crimes throughout Earl. Showing the members of The Council the death and destruction they had wrought over a hundred year period.
Rin's stalwart defense on top of the growing public support for the elimination of the notorious terrorist leaders brought the trial to a quick end. The Council settled on two options of punishment, one was to turn over their GEMs and retire as Otome, the other was to have their powers restricted and to be on house arrest, unable to leave the grounds of Garderobe for a year. Unbeknownst to Haruka, her friend had already given the Bewitching Smile Amethyst GEM to Sara.
The moment the trial was over, Shizuru disappeared. Nao tried to follow her at first but Shizuru escaped her observation as she traveled to the distant borders of Zipang. Going into far east countries that were desolate and beyond Garderobe's influence. They couldn't tell Haruka where she was or why she left but Haruka had her suspicions. She knew all too well from their months together how Shizuru took the blame onto herself. Haruka was hardly immune to that habit herself, they both shared it when it came to Yukino and Natsuki's deaths. But it was different with Shizuru. There was something darker attached to her feelings, a tangible self-loathing that Haruka could see turning inwardly violent, leading the brunette to punish herself.
Haruka was grateful to Natsuki for having Shizuru promise not to kill herself. Shizuru spoke of it often in her sleep deprived state, cursing her inability to commit suicide because Natsuki had asked her not to, how she made her promise, and Haruka often thought it was only that promise keeping Shizuru alive. She hoped it would remain that way wherever her friend had gone. The irrational part of her wanted to chase after Shizuru, make sure she was all right, but she couldn't. Her injuries were still too fresh, her left leg and right arm in a cast, and Haruka had a sinking feeling Shizuru had disappeared because of her.
Because Shizuru blamed herself for Haruka's injuries, because she no longer felt she should be around Haruka, that she was too dangerous or some other jackass idea the brunette had gotten into her head. Haruka hobbled down the walk of Garderobe, towards her favorite hill that lurked in the shadow of trees, moving slowly on her crutches. She hated being like this. It showed her ineptitude, her weakness, and she hated that Shizuru felt she had to run from her in order to protect her.
They were supposed to help each other but Shizuru was gone and with her absence Haruka lost focus. All her life she had a driving force behind her existence. When she was a child it was living up to her parents expectations, then came her ambition to become an Otome, and after meeting Yukino the desire to share a life with her, to be with her always. When Yukino was killed Haruka lost her drive until she saw Shizuru falling to pieces, going through the same pain as her, but handling it so much worse. Shizuru was her reason for getting up in the morning, to take care of her, to support her, and now Shizuru had left and Haruka didn't know what she should do. Part of her considered retiring, giving up her GEM and looking for the other woman. It wasn't as if she would be much good to Garderobe like this. Youko said she had another four months before she'd be fully healed and after that she wouldn't even be able to leave the school grounds due to her sentence.
Sitting on the hill and dropping the crutches on the ground next to her, Haruka stared at the sun hanging low in the sky. Unbidden, Haruka's eyes fell to her ring that glinted in the sunlight, barely visible past the edge of her cast. A year had passed since Yukino was taken from her. It didn't feel like that much time had gone by, the pain was so fresh that it felt as if it happened yesterday, but she knew that was the truth of the matter. Would Yukino still love her? Haruka thought about that sometimes. Yukino was the kindest person that Haruka had ever known but she had always possessed a very clear idea of what was right and wrong. Her actions with Shizuru certainly fell into the category of wrong. She wondered if Yukino could forgive her for all the things she had done during those long months with Shizuru.
Her actions went against everything that Yukino believed in, everything they stood for when they were united as the President and the Continental Orb Topaz of Aries. Morals were important to Yukino. In her more sardonic moments she would say that was the only thing she really had as a politician and if she was to lose them she'd lose herself. Haruka was well aware she had abandoned her own morals in pursuit of those men.
She had never done anything like that before, not even under former President Kenzo Xavier's command, whose wife had died in an attack by Fidelus Altus. Even in the midst of his frantic assault against the terrorist groups who constantly attacked their country, she never aided in plans to murder their leaders. Ones to flush them out, to capture them, to bring them to trial, but never outright murder. He had never ordered her to do anything remotely close but Yukino still disapproved of his actions.
And what she had done with Shizuru, Haruka thought that even Xavier wouldn't have completely approved. That was why she knew Yukino would be disgusted with her.
Haruka had once found solace in the idea of seeing her wife when she died, being reunited with her in the afterlife, but now she almost feared it because of everything she had done. She found herself doubting that Yukino would greet her with a smiling face and a loving touch because she had betrayed all that Yukino stood for. Because she had helped horrible crimes to be carried out in Yukino's name and she didn't think that was something that Yukino could forgive.
Running her finger over the surface of her wedding ring, Haruka traced its engraving. She heard the sound of leaves underfoot and looked up to see Sara standing by her side. There were a handful of people that always made Haruka want to smile when she saw them and Sara was among them. Ever since she met the younger blonde at Garderobe she'd felt attached to her. Maybe it was Sara's intelligence and eagerness or her bright smile but mostly Haruka thought it was because she gave a feeling similar to the one Haruka had when she was with Yukino. It wasn't the same, they didn't have that trust, that love, that loyalty, between them but there was something about Sara that reminded Haruka of Yukino and it only served to make her that much dearer to the older Otome. Now it was a melancholy thing to realize. Being with Sara was like experiencing a shadow of Yukino, close but never quite good enough, and it hurt as much as it provided relief.
"Welcome back," Haruka murmured, squinting up at the younger woman who was bathed in the sunlight. As the 1st Column matters of diplomacy were Sara's responsibility and as such she was often away. "How was your trip to the whistle lands?"
"Western lands," corrected Sara with a lilting and humorous affection, sitting next to Haruka on the hill.
Although this was the norm, something Sara often did for her, Haruka flinched because that habit of correcting her verbal follies was such a part of her daily life with Yukino. She didn't know why she felt strangely sick when Sara did it because Shizuru had corrected her many times during their months together but Shizuru… she could never be confused with Yukino. Their differences were as vast as night and day but Sara had so much in common with Yukino. Having her do such things was almost as if some part of Yukino had returned to her in that moment.
"The trip was successful. King d'Florince VIII has always been among the most reasonable monarchs," said Sara absently. They lapsed into silence, watching the setting sun, until Haruka felt Sara's gaze piercing her. She tried to ignore it but found she didn't have the ability and she slowly turned her attention to the other Otome. "Haruka," Sara said her name solemnly. "Have you made a decision about which sentence from The Council you're going to accept?"
Her left hand seemed to move of its own volition, gently pushing up the wire rimmed glasses that slid down Sara's nose. It was an automatic and natural gesture that Haruka couldn't seem to control. Ignoring Sara's question, she voiced one of her own, one that had lingered in the back of her mind ever since she regained consciousness. "Why don't you call me oneesama anymore?" asked Haruka bluntly, her eyes steady as they met Sara's, maintaining their connection even as Sara blushed dark red.
"It doesn't seem right," Sara muttered, breaking her gaze away from Haruka's. The blush grew stronger as she stared at the ground, picking at the grass nervously. "We're both Columns now, colleagues, and I just thought…"
Sara lifted her head and in that moment, in the darkness that was settling in, she reminded Haruka so much of Yukino. There was an aching vulnerability in her expression and it tugged at Haruka's heart. They were so much alike that it almost hurt but it wasn't something Haruka would wish different because in this second it was almost like having Yukino with her again. Reaching out with her good hand, she tucked an unruly lock of hair behind Sara's ear. Her hair and eyes, they were too light compared to Yukino's, but they were so very close and Haruka was captivated by the similarities.
"It's fine," said Haruka, her voice thick with emotion. Her fingertips spread out to caress Sara's cheek and a wisp of a smile formed on her features. "We've been equals for a long time. It's good you finally figured that out."
The other Column blushed again and it was there again, that echo of Yukino, and it soothed Haruka, relaxing her in its familiarity and she found her hand falling down, entwining her fingers with Sara's. Turning to look into the forest, aware they would have to go inside before it became too dark, Haruka thought it was strange to hear Sara say her name without the oneesama attached. Maybe it was the way it was said, with a barely contained excitement and anxiety. Almost as if Sara couldn't quite believe she was addressing Haruka that way and it made the blonde wonder why that was. It wasn't as if saying her name was any sort of major event but it appeared to be that way for Sara. Her gaze drifted back to her companion who was looking into the distance, unaware of Haruka's attention, and she recalled what Shizuru often said about her.
That Sara had feelings for her, that Sara wanted to be with her, that Sara desired her. Haruka denied the possibility for years, accounting Sara's behavior to the simple crush that all underclassmen have for their sempai but now she wondered if Shizuru was right. In the past the idea would have caused her to panic because she never wanted anyone to entertain ideas that would even suggest taking her from Yukino's side. Her life was with Yukino and her love belonged to her alone but now Yukino was dead and Haruka didn't know how to go on without her. The purpose she always had since she was a child disappeared with Yukino's passing and Haruka didn't have any clue how to regain it.
"What should I do?" Haruka said this without even realizing it and Sara looked to her, startled by the doubt lacing her words. "Ever since I was little being an Otome was all I wanted but I don't know anymore… what I did, it's not something an Otome would do. And Yukino would hate me for it. I know she would."
"Haruka," Sara said her name in a hush, looking at her with wide and sympathetic eyes.
"I don't deserve to be a Column," said Haruka harshly, her self-disgust evident. She tugged her good hand away from Sara's and clenched it into a fist, resting it on her thigh as she stared into the forest. "I'm a disgrace."
"No," said Sara fiercely and her fingers pressed into the skin of Haruka's jaw, turning her head until their eyes met. She had that tenacious expression that she had worn so many times in the past and it almost made Haruka smile to see it again. For some odd reason she had always found it charming on Sara's features. "Maybe what you did, they weren't the actions of a Column, but you are one, Haruka, and you deserve to be one. Fumi-sama chose you for a reason, don't forget that."
"She made a mistake," Haruka retorted, jerking her face away from Sara's touch, disturbed by the comfort it provided.
"The Founder doesn't make mistakes," said Sara with a frown. Haruka snorted in response and Sara studied the older woman, considering how she should respond. This was a new side to Haruka, one that she had never encountered before, and as much as it saddened her to see Haruka this way it provided a strange thrill. Discovering something new about the person she had always cared for but kept a proprietary distance from for so many years. "If you really think what you did is so horrible then why not do something to make up for it? Focus on that instead of feeling sorry for yourself."
Sara had seen Haruka angry countless times throughout the years, the older Otome had never been someone to repress her emotions, but Sara had never seen her look like this before. "My wife is dead," the words seemed to be ripped from Haruka more than said and her features were consumed by grief. "She was murdered and I couldn't save her. I should've saved her. I always saved her before but I failed and she's dead. The only woman I've ever loved is gone. I was with her for twenty years and you think I'm feeling sorry for myself?" Haruka moved forward suddenly, her good hand reaching out to Sara like a claw but she stopped suddenly, clenching it into a fist and pounding it onto the ground in between them. "You don't know anything!"
"Then explain it to me," said Sara quietly.
It was silent except for Haruka's harsh breathing and the sound of leaves blowing in the wind. Haruka stared at the ground, laughing again, broken in her despair, and muttered, "I'm not smart enough to understand it."
"You're doing it again," Sara accused lightly and Haruka chuckled, shaking her head, her fingers digging into the ground and Sara sighed, watching her. Reaching for Haruka's hand, she rose to her feet and tugged gently on it. "Come on," she murmured. "We should go inside. I'll make you dinner."
"Sara Gallagher," Haruka said her name like she used to, a calming verbal caress that caused Sara to blush at the sound. She lifted her head, looking up with an expression that seemed to plead for an answer. "What should I do?"
Surrendering to temptation, Sara touched Haruka's cheek, marveling at how soft her skin was. Haruka seemed almost invulnerable in battle in some strange way. How she could take so much damage, withstand so many injuries, and get right back up and return to the fight. The fact she had survived Shizuru's attack on her was nothing short of miraculous and Sara wasn't sure any other Otome could have done it. Because of those battles she almost expected Haruka to be hard to the touch, rough somehow, like some physical representation of the tolerance she built up over the years. Instead her skin was smooth and warm and Sara felt herself grow hot as the contact continued.
Shaking her head, trying to get her wits about her, Sara met Haruka's eyes and murmured, "I can't tell you that." It was so strange, having this conversation with Haruka Armitage who was once the portrait of self-assurance, forever confident of her path in life. To question others about it, to ask them what she should do, it wasn't like Haruka in the least and only served to increase Sara's worry for her. "I will say that we need help here at Garderobe. Miss Maria has her hands full as the interim Principal and Yukariko is working overtime since she had to take over all of her classes."
"Fighting Tactics and Close Quarters Combat," said Haruka, a thoughtful look emerging on her features.
"You were Miss Maria's favorite student, weren't you?" Sara said in recollection.
"Ask her," Haruka mumbled, slightly embarrassed but allowing Sara to help her to her feet, watching as the younger woman reached for her crutches. Taking them from Sara and settling them under her arms, she gingerly moved onto the walkway. Haruka mulled over everything that had been said and she knew Sara was right. She was feeling sorry for herself but she couldn't seem to help it. Yukino's death absorbed her during every second of the day and she wondered if it had been this bad when she with Shizuru, completing their mission. Probably not, because she had something to focus on. Maybe if she remained a Column, taught Miss Maria's classes, and immersed herself in training to aid in her recovery it could provide a temporary escape from the misery of Yukino's death if only for a few hours a day. "I'll teach them," said Haruka firmly.
"Good," said Sara with a subdued happiness. She was afraid to show too much joy at this decision, unsure how Haruka would react. But a smile still formed on her features as they made their way into building where the staff living quarters were located. Pulling open the door for Haruka who grunted in thanks, her smile grew a little bit wider. Following after Haruka, letting it bang shut, Sara wasn't aware of the bounce in her step as she moved to the other Column's side. "What do you want to eat?"
Their conversation was so every day, so inane, as they made their way to Haruka's newly assigned quarters that Sara could almost forget how much had changed. That this was the same woman she had looked up to as a Coral in Garderobe but seeing the dark circles under Haruka's eyes and the subtle tightness in her jaw, she knew that wasn't the truth. The Haruka from then couldn't return, too much had happened, but someone happier, more stable, would be eventually emerging if Sara had anything to say about it. Someone who, hopefully, might learn to let go of her wife's death and move on with her life. That was someone Sara was more than willing to wait for. Even if a small voice in her head told her she was a fool for doing so.
Quang Bihn was a small but heavily populated country. It was called the crossroads to the east because of the train line that traveled through the entire length of the nation. A significant portion of its citizens lived in poverty and country's economy relied almost entirely on those traveling through its borders. Shizuru had been here many times throughout her years as a Column and she knew it would be the perfect place to disappear from Nao's persistent tracking. Travelers were a dime a dozen in Quang Bihn and its people had developed a certain apathy which kept them at a permanent disinterest. They wouldn't give her a second glance and they wouldn't ask questions. She could lose herself in the crowd and no one would be the wiser.
She had been here for just a week when she found herself at the Ve Dem brothel. Prostitution was legal in Quang Bihn and was an unfortunate source of money for most of its women. Shizuru was familiar with this brothel, having noticed it in her travels through the country. She had teased Natsuki about going inside it during a trip they took together. In her mind's eye she could still see Natsuki's blush and hear her stammer. While prostitution was illegal in Windbloom, there was still a certain sexual freedom there that was lacking in Natsuki's homeland. And so Shizuru always enjoyed teasing her lover about such matters, like visiting a brothel. She couldn't help herself, Natsuki was always so adorable when embarrassed. Drawn by this memory and wanting some sort of companionship, Shizuru finally went inside.
Soon she was spending more time in the brothel than the room she was renting. The food and drink that came with her time at the brothel weren't cheap but it wasn't like Shizuru came from a poor family. She had more than enough money and being there, being with these women, helped to drown out the sorrow of Natsuki's death. It also helped that she was keeping herself in a state of near constant intoxication. When her mind was blurry, unable to focus, she couldn't see the wreckage of that car, and imagine her Natsuki burning inside of it. When she was drunk the loss didn't hurt as much and she could forget how alone she was in the world. It was a slow death she was putting herself through, Shizuru knew that, but what did she have to live for?
Shizuru was well aware she was favored by the brothel workers. Women customers were a rare commodity, particularly wealthy ones who tipped well and liked to give as well as receive pleasure. She heard them speak about her in whispers when they thought her passed out from the alcohol. Wondering where she came from, how she came upon so much money, and remarking with barely contained sly intent of her beauty and skill in bed. Her proud nature found a small bit of pleasure in this and the way the women scrambled when she arrived, instantly full of smiles and charms as they invited her to share their beds. Shizuru knew it had little to do with her but instead what she represented but it hardly mattered. When she was with these women she wasn't alone and when she had sex with them the physical pleasure distracted from her emotional pain.
In those moments, absorbed in their touch, smell, and taste, her mind foggy from alcohol Shizuru briefly knew what it was to be happy again. But the feeling would always fade and she would recognize how hollow it all was. It wasn't true happiness, just an illusion, a trick of her body trying to fool her mind. In the end she would always return to the reality that was Natsuki's death and the fact that no matter how beautiful and sexually talented any of these women were no one made her feel like Natsuki. No one could touch her the way that Natsuki did and when she did recall this, she was numb from the desolation it wrought.
There was a girl at the brothel, barely nineteen, who reminded Shizuru desperately of Natsuki. Her hair was the same shade, just cut shorter, and her eyes were just as bright and determined except they were blue instead of green. There had more in common than they shared in differences and most of all there was an atmosphere about her that was so like Natsuki. She had a stubbornness to her and a quiet but caring nature though she tried to act as hardened as her colleagues.
Rebecca.
Whenever Shizuru arrived at the brothel she made sure Madame Tien, its proprietor, knew Rebecca was the one worker she couldn't be placed with. Just the idea of being with her was too horrible, too tempting, the alcohol already addled her mind, allowing her to forget her misery and if she was with Rebecca and she was drunk enough she might be able to pretend it was her Natsuki. That she never died, that she was with her again, only to wake up sober enough in the morning to know otherwise. The pain of just imagining such a thing was enough to keep Shizuru far from the girl.
While she managed to stay away from the girl at the brothel, Shizuru couldn't ignore the scene before her. In the crowded market place near Ve Dem, she saw Rebecca in the midst of an argument with a man she recognized as one of the girl's regulars. His fingers were wrapped around her arm and he was dragging her through the crowd as she struggled against his grip. There were some onlookers, mostly travelers to the region, but the citizens turned a blind eye to the incident. Shizuru watched Rebecca struggle against him, scratching at his arms, watched as he turned and struck her, sending her toppling to the ground. Watched her cry out with a face so much like Natsuki's and suddenly Shizuru couldn't watch any longer. Striding through the market place, she grabbed a broom from a nearby shopkeeper.
Those eyes, blue not green, looked at her with disbelief and Shizuru knew why this was. Sometimes Rebecca would come to talk to whoever she was with for the night when they thought she was passed out. She'd speculate why Shizuru never asked for her, wondering if she'd insulted her somehow, wishing for a client she considered to be as nice as the brunette woman. It created a guilt in her, hearing Rebecca say these things, but Shizuru couldn't risk it, being with this girl, letting herself forget, letting herself imagine Natsuki was with her again only to lose her all over again. It would destroy her, she knew that. But all the same she couldn't let this go on, allow this girl who looked like her Natsuki to be abused right before her eyes.
The man's hands were on her again, holding her far too tight when Shizuru tapped him on the shoulder. He looked at her with irritation and anger, demanding what she wanted and Shizuru shifted the broom in her hand, noting that the brothel wasn't that far away. Close enough that Rebecca could easily run to safety once she had taken care of him. It was late in the afternoon and Shizuru had just woken up, she hadn't really begun drinking yet, just one glass so far, enough to take away the pounding in her head and remove the slight shake in her hands. Enough to make her slightly foggy but still retain most of her reflexes.
"Release her," Shizuru said, her voice silky, but the underlined threat was all too evident.
"Or what?" the man demanded with derision and just for good measure, he yanked Rebecca to her feet, squeezing her arm tightly and causing the girl to release a whimper of pain.
"Or I hurt you," murmured Shizuru and all he could do was release a snort of laughter before she spun the broom in her hand, turning it so the handle was facing him. Then with a hard and fast strike to his stomach he was on his knees, releasing his hold on Rebecca. Keeping her eyes on him, she told the girl, "Return to the brothel."
Whether the girl left right away, Shizuru didn't know, she was focused on the man who was trying to get to his feet but she hit him again, a controlled blow to his face that managed to crack his jaw. He screamed and cursed at her, attempting to rise but she continued her attack until he was crumpled on the ground in a fetal position and the broom was snapped in half from her efforts. When it was over the normally hectic market place was eerily silent and Shizuru stared at the man, lying in a pool of his own blood but still alive and breathing. She wondered if it was the alcohol that kept her in a fog which prevented her from seeing red. Or maybe it was the fact she didn't attack him for Natsuki and that was why the veil of rage never fell over her eyes.
Regarding the broken broom, Shizuru sighed and returned to the shopkeeper, digging through her pockets to present him with several coins. "To replace it," she murmured, handing over the broom. The one sided battle ended and the witnesses reluctant to discuss the details heralded police arrival onto the scene. They made half hearted attempts to discover what occurred and Shizuru ignored them, continuing to the brothel where she was met by the figure of Madame Tien.
"That was a thing of beauty, my dear," Madame Tien drawled, her elegant cigarette holder resting in between the tips of her fingers. She was standing in the grand entrance to the brothel and Shizuru noted the figure of Rebecca huddled amongst the other workers. "Hoang has been troublesome lately. Thinks he has rights to my girls because he pays for an hour or two of their time. It was good of you to show him otherwise. I did enjoy how fitting it was to rid Rebecca of that garbage using a broom."
"Does it earn me a lower rate?" Shizuru inquired, not really wanting or needing one, but despising the sense that this woman might think she was a decent person now. Someone to believe in and rely on, someone that she could never be again.
"I'll give you free drinks for the day," countered Madame Tien, ashing her cigarette and arching an eyebrow. "Which is far too generous of me considering how much you can drink, Shizuru-san."
Rolling her eyes at this, Shizuru shifted her stance and looked into the brothel, trying to decide who she wanted to share her temporary bastion of free alcohol with. As she did this, she noted the Madame watching her and with feigned boredom Shizuru turned to the older woman and asked, "Is there something else?"
"I have an unfortunate number of customers who are like Hoang," Madam Tien began smoothly. "They often treat my girls far more roughly than I would like and try to rob me of my money and goods. I do have Feng to help with some of these incidents but as our chef it isn't his area of expertise. You, however, seem to have a natural talent, shall we say?"
"And?" Shizuru prompted, her eyes narrowing.
"And I wonder if you would consider working for me," said Madame Tien, taking a drag of her cigarette. "Protect my girls from men like Hoang. I could offer you a decent wage along with free room and board and regular meals. However," Madame Tien had a droll tone to her voice and a knowing look in her gaze. "Your drinking is too regular for it to come free. The same as your visits to my girls. If I were to give those away to someone with your appetites it would reduce my profits greatly."
Her first instinct was to refuse but as her gaze drifted over the brothel workers it landed on Rebecca, looking at her with eyes shining with gratitude, and it was so close to her Natsuki that Shizuru felt a flicker of joy in her heart. She couldn't ever be with Rebecca like she was the others but being near her was a very appealing prospect. The room she rented was nearly always empty as she spent almost all her time at the brothel anyway so living there would be more convenient. And perhaps this would provide a distraction, something besides the alcohol to keep her mind from drifting to the reality of Natsuki's death.
Shifting her attention to Madame Tien who watched her with expectant and lidded eyes, Shizuru stated, "I want a discount."
"Fifteen percent off drink and ten for the girls but I expect you to tip them as generously as in the past," said Madame Tien firmly, her kimono sweeping as she turned and walked into her establishment. "Welcome to our family, Shizuru-san," she seemed to purr the words, looking over her shoulder, a slow smile spreading on her features. "We're glad to have you."
Dipping her head in response, Shizuru thought absently that she would need to purchase a weapon for this new job. Chuckling as the workers swarmed her, hanging on her arms and kissing her in thanks, she contemplated getting Madame Tien to buy one for her. It was a work related expense, after all.
Two weeks had gone by since she took the job as protector of Madame Tien's brothel and in that time she had fallen into a comfortable routine. She slept the morning and early afternoon away, patrolled the brothel in the late afternoon and evening, taking a break only to share her dinner with whatever brothel workers were free. Long into the night was when she retired to her room where she would spend an hour cleaning her jian, a local type of sword which had been provided by Madame Tien for her work. Her bed was shared with one or sometimes two of the brothel workers, whomever was eager to spend time with her.
As long as they weren't Rebecca, that is. No matter how much the girl flirted with her, hinted at her desire, Shizuru rebuffed her advances and had even gone so far as to get her fellow workers to let her know she wasn't interested. Sitting in the doorway of her small balcony that overlooked the city, Shizuru lay the sword on her lap. Lightly tapping powder onto the blade, she began to gently rub rice paper in a horizontal path down the jian. Cleaning the weapon was an oddly relaxing process that left Shizuru's mind gratefully free of thought. Especially when she was on her second glass of blue fire. It was a favorite drink of hers. Blue Fire was a distilled beverage named for its color and the burning sensation it left on a person's tongue upon consumption. Whenever she had it Shizuru felt a fog fall over her mind that much quicker.
The powder removed, Shizuru was reaching for a small bottle of oil when the door to her small room slid open. Looking up, Shizuru's lips curled into a smile on seeing Lydia's curvaceous figure. "I thought you said you wouldn't have time for me," she said in a playful accusation, leaning back against the wall and applying a few drops of oil onto a clean sheet of rice paper. "My heart nearly shattered from sadness when you said such a thing. I do so cherish our time together."
Chuckling in response, Lydia sat next to Shizuru, resting her head on her shoulder and watching as the brunette spread the oil evenly over the surface of the sword. "Pretending with me is a waste, Shizuru-san," Lydia said, toying with Shizuru's kimono and pulling it away from her neck, her breath hot on Shizuru's skin. "None of us are special to you."
"That isn't true," Shizuru murmured, keeping her eyes focused on her jian, concentrating on finishing the cleaning ritual. "If anything I would say that I love all of you the same. Which means all of you are special to me. I do protect you, don't I?"
"That's your job," pointed out Lydia, taking the sword from Shizuru and sliding it into the scabbard. Turning to the brunette who regarded her with a lidded gaze, Lydia smiled and hiked up her dress, settling herself onto Shizuru's lap. Wrapping her arms around Shizuru's neck, she leaned forward, putting their lips just a breath apart. "Rebecca's the only one you've ever saved when you weren't being paid to which I think makes her a little more special than the rest of us."
Instead of replying, Shizuru pulled Lydia forward in a smooth movement, their breasts pressing together as she seized the other woman's lips in a rough kiss. When they parted several minutes later, Lydia chuckled again and questioned Shizuru on the amount of drinks she had consumed. "Two blue fires," Shizuru said carelessly, reaching for her glass and pouring more of the liquid in so she could begin her third. "Hardly anything out of the ordinary."
"Maybe for you," Lydia said with dry humor, untying Shizuru's obi in an easy and practiced gesture. "I notice you're ignoring my remark about Rebecca being special. I'm not the only one who thinks it, you know. Even Rebecca does. Although she's not too happy about it because apparently being special means not getting to share your bed."
"She makes a good enough wage without my money lining her pockets," Shizuru responded sardonically, taking a long drink of the blue fire and relishing the burn in her throat. Though the feeling was far from pleasant she strangely enjoyed it because she could use it to track her state of inebriation. The less it burned the foggier she became and the easier it was to forget losing her Natsuki. Allowing herself to be swept up in the momentary pleasure of another woman's embrace instead of comparing them to her deceased lover only to find them always lacking. "What does she have to complain about?"
"Now, now," Lydia chastised, pushing open the kimono and smiling at what it revealed, her hands sliding over Shizuru's hips and up her sides. "You shouldn't play dumb, it's so unlike you. I'm sure you know what that poor girl wants."
"And why should I entertain her infatuation?" questioned Shizuru in glib tones, watching with veiled interest as Lydia's hands moved over her breasts and toyed with her nipples. The alcohol had created a hint of that separation she enjoyed, where her mind was distant from her body, and her thoughts because addled and blurred but it wasn't enough that she couldn't relish the caress of another woman. Especially when they were as skilled as Lydia. "She's a girl. I prefer women."
Smirking at this, Lydia slid upwards, kissing Shizuru hard. Out of all the women she had slept with in the brothel, Shizuru thought Lydia was the best at kissing. Perhaps it was because she enjoyed it so much but hardly ever did it. The workers almost never kissed their clients and Shizuru had known from the start she was an exception. She never asked why she was but she imagined it was the same reason they liked to flirt with her and babied her from time to time. Treating her like she was something far less dangerous than what she was. They saw something sad and sympathetic in her rather than the monster in hiding.
There were moments when Shizuru hated this deception. No matter what society thought of these women, the lack of value placed on their lives, they were good people and they deserved a better protector than her. Someone who wasn't twisted, someone who didn't leave destruction in her wake. She considered leaving. Wondered why she had accepted the job from Madame Tien. Why she was letting these women try and get close to her. They never would though, she couldn't let that happen, not after what she did to Haruka. She was the only person Shizuru let close enough to see the monster within, a monster not even Natsuki had fully witnessed because just being with Natsuki controlled it, kept it at some sort of peace. Shizuru let Haruka see it though. She didn't hide anything from Haruka because Haruka understood and that intimacy almost killed her.
She almost killed her.
Lydia's hands were hot on her skin, pushing the kimono off her shoulders and maneuvering her onto the futon. It was different, allowing herself to be led along but it happened often since she arrived at this brothel. Whenever she was with her Natsuki she was swept up in her desire, consumed by it and by the need to possess Natsuki. While she found all the workers at the brothel very attractive she didn't have the same feelings for them. Their touch wasn't something she yearned for, instead it was an undeserved comfort, a pleasant distraction, and it gave her a few rare moments of solace. That was why she let the women she was with determine the pace of their encounters, let them deem what they were comfortable with, instead of citing her demands.
Certainly this was a large reason why she quickly became a favorite at the brothel. That and her habit of leaving sizeable tips. The kimono slid off her body, a whisper of rustling fabric, and Lydia was naked now, lowering her body so skin met skin and her head dipped down, kissing Shizuru's breasts in gesture that was almost reverent. Just the top of Lydia's head, that was all that Shizuru could see of her, and her hair was dark blonde… almost brown… lighter than Natsuki's but darker than Haruka's.
This was good, this touch, this sensation, this wet suck of those lips around her nipples, but it wasn't her Natsuki and something in Shizuru wondered would it be like if it was Haruka. Would she touch her like Natsuki? No, that wasn't right. No one could do that. Not even Haruka who understood and accepted her, mad and selfish as she was. Haruka would touch her as only Haruka could. She imagined it would be similar to how she was in battle, painfully open and eager, her smile burning bright like the sun.
It was far too tempting, imagining such things, and Shizuru forced herself to focus on the present, watching as Lydia slid down her body, nudging her thighs apart with expertise. This was all she could have, this temporary respite, nothing permanent, nothing that brought a real and true happiness like she had with her Natsuki. There was just the here and the now, the fleeting joy of her orgasm sweeping over her, drawn out by the talent of Lydia's tongue and fingers.
Before she was with Natsuki she didn't know sex could be special, could be more than pleasure, could be something that involved emotions and your mind far more than your body. Those days were gone though. What she had with these women it was only her body, her mind was somewhere else entirely, and her heart was with her Natsuki always. Shizuru didn't think she would ever feel a love like that again.
Now it was over and she was back where she started. Her heart buried away, those things Natsuki taught her, all those emotions she experienced in their time together were locked up, safe where they couldn't torment her and Shizuru was left to these hollow comforts. Drowning herself in the embrace of these women who she could never love and could never love her but they could make her body feel good and they could make her mind forget and that was enough to numb her heart.
Rage was something that Shizuru understood all too well. She was certain she reflected it when she beat these men. The ones who took pleasure in the pain of others and thought the acceptable place to take this belief was to a brothel. Shizuru thought it was true, more or less, with other brothels, other owners, but Madame Tien had an strange protectiveness over those who worked for her. Such as abiding to their preferences in gender and sexual proclivities and sometimes even looks.
Madame Tien hired her to protect them from men like the one standing before her, gripping a bronze statue that Shizuru knew he had plans to assault her with. Assault her like he had tried to do with Beth but Shizuru had taught them well. Beth had used those lessons Shizuru gave them in the late afternoon to fend him off as she screamed for help. Now here they were, Shizuru facing the man whose rage she understood, who flew at her with that statue, trying to bash her head in.
The jian hung loosely at her side, tied onto her obi, and Shizuru removed the sword from her belt, scabbard and all. Sidestepping the man's attack, she slid the jian from the scabbard and extended her foot. This caused him to fall face forward and she took the opportunity to hit him hard in the back of the neck with her heavy wooden scabbard. He fell unconscious to the floor with a loud thud and Shizuru stared at him impassively, sliding her sword back into the scabbard which she noted was chipped from the blow with his head. More workers gathered at the door and she instructed them to get Feng to dump him outside the property where the thieves would most likely pick him over.
Walking from the room, Shizuru couldn't help but smile as she heard Beth cursing at him and the sound of several solid kicks. When she was eating a very late dinner the redhead came to thank her, noting it had been a few weeks since she spent the night with Shizuru. As she watched her walk away, an alluring swing to her hips Shizuru wondered why anyone would want to hurt someone that beautiful. Shizuru didn't know why but she understood that look in his eyes, that one of absolute fury and madness, beyond hope and reason. It was one she had worn for countless months as she killed those men.
The rest of her shift passed without event, perhaps those who would have caused trouble were scared by her defeat of the man which had been so quick and easy that to Shizuru it was akin to swatting a fly. Sitting on her balcony, she drank her third glass of blue fire slowly, knowing if she drank too much she would become absorbed in the memories of her Natsuki but if she didn't have enough her mind would be clear enough to focus on the pain of her loss, and the guilt of her actions. Shizuru had become an expert when it came to her own inebriation, how drunk she could be and still do her job, protecting these women, but still be unable to think completely clearly, enough that she couldn't contemplate the misery of a life without Natsuki.
If Beth didn't come to her room soon she would have to stop drinking. Four blue fires were as far as she could go before she would become melancholy and begin to imagine Natsuki was with her again, hear whispers of her in her mind. Shizuru's eyes fell to her scabbard lying in her lap, taking a slow drink of the blue fire. A small frown tugged at her lips as she ran her fingers over the chipped wood. She wasn't sure why it bothered her, this cheap scabbard being damaged, but it did and it made her want to bash the man who had caused the damage on the head with it again.
Maybe it was the drink or her irrational anger about the scabbard being damaged but Shizuru never heard the door to her room slide open and didn't notice Rebecca's presence until she was hovering at her side, looking at the scabbard. "Did he break it?" her voice was in Shizuru's ear, low and husky. It lacked Natsuki's depth and timbre but it was agonizingly close all the same.
"His head was rather hard, I'm afraid," Shizuru murmured, sliding the jian into its scabbard and placing it to one side. Turning to face Rebecca, she reached for her glass of alcohol, feeling comforted by having it in hand. "It chipped the wood."
"You do that a lot, don't you, Shizuru-san?" said Rebecca and there was a teasing fondness in her words and Shizuru tried to ignore it along with the sparkle in the girl's eyes that sometimes made the blue look much closer to green. "When you saved me from Hoang you snapped Eikichi's broom right in half."
"Madame Tien didn't purchase a blunt sword for my use here," said Shizuru slowly, taking a drink and relishing the burn in her throat. "If I didn't use my scabbard in a few instances I would have killed someone."
"Shizuru-san!" Rebecca exclaimed and she could hear the shock, feel it in the fingers clinging to her sleeve. Shizuru turned to the girl at her side, who looked at her like she was something much better than what she really was. There were some at the brothel who could see her true self. Feng and Madame Tien were the most obvious but a handful of the workers had always been wary of her and Shizuru wondered if they could see she was a monster or they just sensed it. Either way she was glad some of them had that ability and hoped it kept the others from trying to get too close. Rebecca didn't seem to pay attention to their warnings though. Not since Shizuru had saved her that day. "You can't mean that. You wouldn't kill anyone."
"I've killed many people," said Shizuru, looking the girl steadily in the eyes, making sure she could see the truth of the matter. "I know Rebecca thinks me to be a hero but I'm hardly that. If anything, I'm a murderer who has been set free."
"Why did you kill them?" asked Rebecca in a whisper.
She hoped what she said would scare the girl off but Shizuru should have known better. The reason Rebecca was so tempting, so dangerous, were those similarities she had to her Natsuki in both looks and personality. There was a stubbornness to her and when she wanted something, she didn't give up but dug her heels in, just like Natsuki would have done. Tapping at the edge of the glass, keeping her eyes fixed on the liquid inside, Shizuru murmured, "For revenge. They took my most precious person and so I murdered them." Lifting her head, Shizuru stared at Rebecca and continued, "I'm not someone to admire. The sooner you learn this, the better. I would advise listening to the other girls, they aren't trying to lead you astray with their warnings."
"You know what they say about you?" Rebecca said and she looking strangely admonished to discover this.
"Everything they say is true," said Shizuru, her gaze returned to the blue fire as she took another drink. There was a quiet rustle and her door slid open again, revealing Beth's lithe figure. She lifted an eyebrow in silent inquiry and Shizuru shook her head.
"Another day then," said Beth with a knowing chuckle, slipping back out the door and closing it behind her.
Quickly looking from Shizuru to the closed door and back, Rebecca frowned severely and demanded, "Why did you send her away? Whatever you wanted to do with her I could have joined in. I know there are days when you've had more than one—"
"Not with Rebecca, I've said this before," said Shizuru firmly, rising to her feet and closing the door to her balcony. Her glass of blue fire was almost gone and since Beth wouldn't be sharing her bed thanks to Rebecca's presence she was preparing for a normal night of sleep. "And I will keep saying it until Rebecca understands I will not be with her in that way."
"But why? I want to! It isn't like I prefer men like some of the girls," said Rebecca plaintively and Shizuru didn't dare look at her. She was sure the girl was pouting in a seductive manner which would almost be enough to weaken her resolve. Almost but not quite.
The words were on the tip of her tongue. Ones that were harsh and cruel, ones that would make Rebecca see her for what she truly was instead of whatever fantasy the girl had created of her. She could say that just because someone desired her didn't mean she felt that same desire in return. Imply that Rebecca was too much a child for her to be interested, dismiss her looks as something Shizuru didn't favor, there were endless things she could say to make the girl hate her. They ran through her head now in a whirlwind and she contemplated saying them but in the end she pushed open her small closet and retrieved a book she had been keeping there for the past week. Turning to face Rebecca with a soft smile and handing it to her.
"A present for Rebecca," Shizuru answered the question she knew the girl was about to ask. "I suspect this was the book your mother read to you. The one whose protagonist inspired your working name. It's quite famous in Laudenbach."
"That's where he's from," said Rebecca quietly, looking at the book in amazement. "Otto Gerste. I've always wanted to visit Laudenbach and see all the things he wrote about. The country must be beautiful from the way he describes it." Lifting up her head suddenly, she questioned, "Where did you get this from? I've looked for it ever since mother died, I could never find it."
"There are a great many people who owe me favors," said Shizuru and she drank the last of her blue fire. Keeping her back to the girl, she set the glass on the small makeshift bar she created, going to remove her blanket from the closet. "Rebecca should read it to the others. They do love their stories. I'm sure they would appreciate hearing a brand new one."
"Shizuru-san," Rebecca said her name reluctantly and Shizuru knew she wanted to stay but Shizuru had to make her go. There was only so much contact she could stand with this girl before the temptation got too strong and she didn't trust herself anymore. It was all too evident from what happened with Haruka that she wasn't capable of restraining the monster within and she didn't want to risk it coming out with this girl who looked so much like her Natsuki. There was a soft and alluring press of full breasts against her back, then a fleeting kiss to her cheek, and that husky voice in her ear saying, "Thank you."
Then she was alone at last and when she heard the door shut, Shizuru collapsed on the floor, the blanket pooling around her. Head falling low, her hands squeezed into fists, gripping the material tight enough it was ripping under her strength, she told herself again and again that wasn't her Natsuki. That was Rebecca, that was a poor substitute, that was a girl who still had a measure of innocence left, that was a person who just looked and sounded like the woman she loved.
It wasn't real. It never would be.
Seventeen years ago on this day, Natsuki told Shizuru she loved her for the very first time. Shizuru would always remember it, how she blushed and stammered, then lifted her head and got that stubborn look on her features, determined as she said it, not wanting Shizuru to doubt her. How could she though? She saw it in her Natsuki's eyes and felt it in her touch. Shizuru had known for a very long time that Natsuki loved her but it was still special, hearing her say it.
This was their anniversary, the only day that Shizuru wanted to celebrate and until a year ago they always would. Taking romantic trips, going out for dinner and dancing, spending a day at the beach, each year they did something to commemorate Natsuki saying those words. Now Natsuki was dead and Shizuru was alone, no longer happy, no longer loved.
She had always been very careful to monitor how much she drank. Painfully aware of what could happen when she lost control but Shizuru couldn't be sober, not even the littlest bit, not on this day. It hurt too much to have that tiny piece of her mind that had an ability to think coherently. Shizuru wanted it all wiped away, for the alcohol to obliterate the memories of those times.
Madame Tien had known better than to argue when Shizuru stated she was taking the day off and no one was to disturb her. Instead she nodded her head and went to warn her girls that their charming but volatile bodyguard wouldn't be requesting any of their time this evening. Alone in her room with her bottles of alcohol, Shizuru drank the day away until it turned into night and she tried not to think about Natsuki and all the things they had done before, the ways they would celebrate. She tried but she couldn't seem to help herself so she drank more, she drank herself into oblivion until she was passed out on her futon.
While most of the girls at the brothel were wise enough to obey Madame Tien's instructions, Rebecca wasn't. Ever since Shizuru had saved her from Hoang the brunette had become an obsession of sorts. When she was a customer, Shizuru had been kind but not at all picky. Her only requirement was that the worker had to be open to being with another woman. She didn't have any sort of preference for hair color, body shape, breast size, or height. Any girl that was willing to share her bed was satisfactory but despite Rebecca fulfilling that one simple request, Shizuru didn't want her. Rebecca had even overheard her specifically tell the Madame that she would be with anyone but her. The whims of the clientele had never been something that Rebecca cared about or ever took personally before. You had to distance yourself, create a wall of sorts, between yourself and them. That was the only way you could stay sane doing this kind of work but hearing Shizuru say that hurt somehow.
Perhaps it was because of how the other girls would talk about Shizuru. Gushing about her charming nature and talent in bed, happy about her willingness to reciprocate pleasure and her always generous tips. Rebecca had never thought those who visited their brothel and treated them nicely were good people. They were just people. Maybe ones who were a bit kinder but she didn't see that as making them better than anyone else. Things like that never moved her but hearing Shizuru speak of her to Madame Tien and hearing the other workers praise her, Rebecca found herself more and more interested in the woman.
That day in the market Rebecca thought Hoang might kill her. She knew it was possible. It wasn't like anyone in the market place would stand up for a prostitute. They would watch him kill her and maybe, if she was lucky, they would tell the police when they arrived too late to do anything. Then Shizuru appeared out of nowhere, her eyes blazing and her expression fierce, and she had gotten rid of Hoang so easily, like he was nothing more than an insect to be squashed.
Why did she do it? The question echoed in her mind but Rebecca didn't have an answer. She was sure from hearing Shizuru speak to the Madame about her that Shizuru cared for her the least but she still saved her from Hoang. She acted when no one else would and when Rebecca tried to thank her she behaved as if it was nothing. It made no sense to Rebecca and she desperately wanted to understand why, to understand the woman who saved her.
Their clients saw them as something not quite human, a living and breathing object perhaps, but not as another person with emotions and hopes and dreams. They were something they rented for a time, something bought and paid for, and they weren't to be concerned with when their time was over. That being so, why did Shizuru care? She hadn't paid for Rebecca, she hadn't touched her, not even once. The only thing that they had of value, their bodies, was the one thing Shizuru didn't want from her. What was the reason to save her then?
Warnings would come often from the other workers, sometimes the ones who had spent nights with Shizuru, that despite her beauty, charm, and kindness there was a darkness there. They said it was certainly true what the brunette said, that she had killed people before, murdered out of rage and revenge, they said they could see it in her eyes, feel it in her aura. Rebecca never experienced any such thing but she saw the sadness surrounding Shizuru and it she wanted to help her somehow.
It was the reason she ignored the instruction to leave Shizuru alone on this day. There was an instinct pushing her forward, telling her of all days this was the one when Shizuru would need her. When she shouldn't be left to her own devices and so she pushed the door open to the small room, frowning at the stench of alcohol that permeated the air. Shizuru was collapsed on her futon, empty bottles surrounding her and a full glass of blue fire lying close at her side.
Setting down the bowl of water she carried with her, Rebecca kneeled at Shizuru's side, pushing sweat dampened hair from her eyes and wondering what it was that made the woman punish herself so. She had just placed a small cloth in the cool water, wetting it down and was turning to place it on Shizuru's forehead when a strong hand gripped her wrist and she turned to see Shizuru staring at her glassy eyes. Rebecca had seen many terrible things in her life but the torment in that rust colored gaze wasn't anything she had ever experienced before and it was enough to stop her heart for an instant.
"My Natsuki," Shizuru's voice was nothing but a rasp and her breath was thick with alcohol. "You've returned to me." Rebecca tried to reply, to say she wasn't this Natsuki, but she found herself unable as the brunette moved in an entirely sensual manner, reaching for Rebecca with tender hands, and smiling at her so sweetly that Rebecca forgot to breathe. "You remembered our special day like always. I should have known Natsuki would. She treats me with such care, after all."
"Shizuru-san," Rebecca said her name in a whisper. Trembling as she was pulled close for an embrace and she knew it was wrong, letting Shizuru hold her like this when she thought she was someone else, but she'd wanted it for so long.
"It was my fault," said Shizuru in desolate tones, still holding Rebecca close, a hand moving up to stroke her hair. "I should have protected my Natsuki." A broken chuckle and Shizuru's head dropped down, hidden in the curve of her neck, her breath hot on Rebecca's skin. "I can't do things well like you can, Shizuru. You said this once, didn't you? Natsuki told me." Her head tipped up and those eyes were looking at her with such sorrow that Rebecca was frozen by it. "It isn't the truth though. Natsuki is better than me in so many ways and she never saw that for herself. She saves people, she saved me, and I bring nothing but pain."
"What did you do?" asked Rebecca softly, fearing the answer, but thinking somehow Shizuru needed to say it.
"Haruka helped me kill them," Shizuru murmured, her face tucked back into Rebecca's neck and her hands clinging to her sides, holding onto the girl for dear life, as if afraid she might disappear at any moment. "She took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself as we hunted the men that killed Natsuki and Yukino." That hollow and broken laugh again, then Shizuru said, "Natsuki must know for herself how much Yukino despises me for what I did to her. Haruka tried to put an end to my madness and for that I almost killed her. That's why I had to leave. Sara was right, she would never be safe as long as I was with her."
Silence hung in the air along with the stench of alcohol then Shizuru touched her face, looking up at her with an expression of utter misery and hopelessness. "Natsuki will never forgive me, will she?" Shizuru questioned. "For murdering those men who took her life away. It's not the way that Natsuki did things and she's only here now to say a proper goodbye. Knowing what this day means to me." Shizuru's fingers seemed to twitch and she was holding Rebecca's in a tight grip, her eyes wide and wet with unshed tears as she said, "I've done too many monstrous things for Natsuki to love me anymore."
"No!" Rebecca cried out, shaking her head furiously. She didn't know who this Natsuki was but she thought anyone who really loved Shizuru would be able to forgive her of even the most heinous deeds. "She does love you, I'm sure of it!"
"Natsuki is too kind," murmured Shizuru and her eyes were heavy. The alcohol was overtaking her again, slipping her back into a deep sleep. Her words slurred as she continued, "Why must I live without her? It doesn't seem worthwhile."
Protests were on the tip of her tongue, reasons why Shizuru should live, why her life had value but Shizuru wouldn't hear them. She had drifted into unconsciousness, her breath steady and hot on Rebecca's skin. Holding the brunette in her arms, Rebecca thought she understood a little better what tormented Shizuru but was no closer to knowing how to help.
It had been eight months since Shizuru's disappearance and in that time Haruka had adjusted to her life at Garderobe. Rising early in the morning for training, she taught classes until late in the afternoon, then continued with her training and returned to either her quarters or Sara's for an early dinner. The schedule sometimes changed, depending if a student needed her help or if Sara was gone on a mission for Garderobe but one day was surprisingly similar to the next. Rather than finding herself driven mad by the monotony as she would've in the past Haruka was oddly soothed by it.
Numerous and terrible changes had occurred recently and it was a relief to have things remain the same. Nevertheless, Shizuru's absence still tore at Haruka. She cursed her inability to look for the other woman due to her sentence which kept her confined to the academy campus. Nao had tried searching for her but lost Shizuru's trail shortly after she entered Zipang. The far east region of Earl was uncharted territory for the most part and was difficult to navigate.
That didn't keep Haruka from inquiring and often demanding for others to search for Shizuru. Giving up on her friend wasn't an option for Haruka and she knew what Sara said. That she and Shizuru weren't good for each other, that they only fed their grief when together, but Haruka didn't care. It had been too long and she missed Shizuru. No matter how kind people were, how understanding, they couldn't grasp what it was like to lose Yukino. Just Shizuru knew that and Haruka wanted her back.
Sara did help though. Her bright eyes and eager smile, they were different but so close to Yukino's, close enough that Haruka felt as if some measure of her wife had returned to her and it was a comfort. In the beginning she hated herself for it, she refused to let herself feel that way, thinking she didn't deserve such a thing but she came to crave it. More than half her life had been spent at Yukino's side and Haruka didn't know how to exist without her. Being with Sara, experiencing a shadow of Yukino, let Haruka to feel like herself again, if only by the smallest amount and it was a relief.
Haruka knew it was awful, that she was using the younger Otome, but she couldn't seem to stop. Seeing those pieces of Yukino in Sara and finding happiness and solace in them was what gave her focus and kept her going. Haruka was certain that without it she would lose what little of her old self that was returning. Besides, it wasn't like she was trying to replace Yukino with Sara or seeing them as the same person. She knew they were different, Haruka was painfully aware of that.
An easy example was how Yukino was raised with servants, just like Shizuru, but she was quite adept at cooking after a few lessons from Haruka. While Sara wasn't nearly so proficient.
Her parents were absorbed by their lives in the military, working long hours, and Haruka had to fend for herself as a child and quickly learned making her meals was a part of that. When they had taken their wilderness exam Haruka was sure that Shizuru made her cook everything as another part of her deception but she later found out Shizuru simply didn't know how. Haruka had tried to teach her during their chore assignment in the kitchen but it was a disaster and teaching Sara had similar results. Sara was fine with reheating frozen meals and making sandwiches but that was the extent of her culinary skills. Things like that, clear and defined differences that Sara had from Yukino, kept Haruka from ever falling into the dangerous territory of mistaking one woman for the other. It simply wasn't possible for her to ignore such glaring contrasts.
Tired from a day of teaching and training, Haruka decided to make a simple soup. She sat on the counter stirring the soup, watching Sara set the table in the dining room. The staff quarters weren't the most luxurious place in Garderobe but it hardly mattered to Haruka. Growing up, she often lived in places slightly bigger than a closet, all of them having to sleep and eat in the same room. Having a roof over your head, a warm bed to sleep in, and food in your stomach, were the things her parents said truly mattered. She had that here along with people who cared for her and a woman close enough to Yukino that it was nearly like being with her again on certain days. As far as Haruka was concerned life was good.
It could be so much better though. If Shizuru was here. If Yukino was alive.
But those were things she couldn't do anything about. Especially the latter and Haruka knew she had try and move on. Waiting was her plan for now, waiting for a year to pass, when she would be allowed to leave Garderobe. Once that occurred she would search for Shizuru. She couldn't give up on the other woman. Not when she was the only person who understood how much it hurt, how empty her life had become, how this was all just a farce of normalcy that was eating away at her. Besides, Fumi-sama hadn't abandoned Shizuru either. The Founder stalwartly maintained Shizuru as the 3rd Column in the materialization system for Garderobe and as long as she did that they couldn't choose another Otome to replace her. Not that anyone really wanted to.
"I heard you sent a student crashing into the forest today," Sara called out in playful accusation. The younger blonde had finished setting the table and was walking into the kitchen, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. "I told you it's not good to use your full strength against them. They'll just end up overwhelmed, even if they're Pearls."
Snorting in disdain at this, Haruka replied, "And they'll never get that way in battle? Don't you think it's better for them to learn about that kind of feeling when they're safe at the academy instead of on a mission for their Master?" Observing the soup coming to a slow simmer, Haruka continued, "They freeze up then they'll die. I'm trying to make it so it only happens with me."
"Haruka," Sara murmured her name with some surprise. "You've thought about this, haven't you?"
"Maybe," muttered Haruka, her cheeks tinged in a blush and she hopped down from the counter to turn off the burner. Reaching for two bowls, she set them down on the counter and began to ladle the hot soup into them. "When I started I just followed Miss Maria's curriery, you know? But she's almost too soft. Just has them fight each other. Never her. When we went to Garderobe unless you came up against a much stronger student you didn't learn what it's like, facing someone who can crush you in a second. With what we do that can happen a lot. You have to learn to control your fear or you'll wind up dead."
"Curriculum," corrected Sara fondly and Haruka scowled as she handed the younger woman a bowl of soup. Sara grinned, looking over her shoulder as she walked into the dining room and said, "Despite your attacks on the Pearls you're becoming the most popular teacher on campus. I heard a few Corals gushing over you when I came back from visiting Queen Mashiro earlier."
"If it was Vaea and her group it's because I was helping them with extra credit," said Haruka, sitting down at the table with Sara. Staring at the soup, she said quietly, "And they don't like me that much. It's not how it is with Shizuru. They all loved her."
Sighing heavily, Sara took a sip of the soup and pondered if she should take the opening Haruka presented her with or lead the conversation elsewhere. Certainly Haruka would allow it. She hated discussing Shizuru with the older blonde, hated the way the other Otome got a guilt ridden look on her features and gave a feeling of quiet longing. It was almost worse than how she was when she started thinking about Yukino's death. At least that Sara could understand, anyone could see how much Haruka and Yukino loved one another, the devotion that they shared which lasted over half of their lives, but Shizuru…
What Shizuru ever did to merit such love and loyalty from Haruka baffled Sara. She knew they were close, she had been at Garderobe with them, and was well aware of their friends and rivals status that stemmed from their relationship as roommates. But that didn't explain Haruka's fixation with Shizuru. Why a day didn't go by where she wasn't mentioned in some way and how Haruka would look desperately lonely at just the thought of her. Haruka had so many people here who cared about her, who wanted to see her recover, to regain her old spirit so why did Shizuru matter so much? She was the person who injured her to the point of near death. They both lost someone that day and Sara knew that Haruka felt that just Shizuru could understand how much that hurt but it still didn't sit right with her. All of her life she had devoted herself to the idea if you worked hard enough, if you were educated enough, and you tried your best you could achieve your goals.
Her goal was to support Haruka, to provide her with companionship and friendship, and to help her move on. Sara devoted herself to this as much as she did her duties as a Column and she thought slowly but surely she was succeeding but there was always Shizuru in the background. Haunting them like a ghost and it was a constant frustration to Haruka's progress.
"Anh-oneesama agreed to go look for her," Sara revealed, well aware of Haruka's request to the older Otome.
"Really? When?" Haruka's head whipped up and one question followed the other in a rush. "Where is she going to look?"
"Quang Bihn," said Sara, a small frown tugging at her lips and her hand gripping her spoon tightly. It shouldn't upset her, how excited Haruka was to hear news of Shizuru, how happy she became at just the prospect of someone finding her, but it did. Maybe it was just easier to be jealous of the living than the dead. They provided a more substantial target. "Nao lost her on the border of Zipang and Quang Bihn and Anh-oneesama thinks she could be in the capital city. She leaves in three days." Looking at Haruka's face that was suddenly so much lighter and shining with hope, Sara hated saying what was next though she knew she had to. "Haruka," she murmured. "What if she never returns? Shizuru might prefer being by herself. She was a good Otome but she served more for the Principal than herself and now—"
"She'll come back if I have to drag her here kicking and screaming," said Haruka obstinately. "I don't care what she did to me or what she says she wants. It's not right, leaving her on her own. I know what she's thinking, how she blames herself and nobody deserves to go through that alone. Especially not when they got friends waiting for them."
"All right," said Sara softly and she resigned herself to the reality that Haruka wouldn't let this go. She only had a dim hope that the other blonde might give up but she never truly believed it. Haruka never abandoned her friends and that was what she considered Shizuru. Lifting her head, Sara gave her best and brightest smile and declared, "If Anh-oneesama can't bring her back then I'll search with you when your punishment is over."
"Sara," Haruka's eyes went wide and a slow smile curved on her features, one that caused Sara's heart to skip a beat and her cheeks to warm. Seeing that well worth the idea of aiding Shizuru's return and there was the fact that Sara knew, deep down, it would make Haruka happy. That she would smile like this more often when Shizuru was with them again. "Thank you."
"We'll see how Anh-oneesama does," said Sara wisely, taking a sip of the soup. "I think she should fair better than Nao. She's from the east and Shizuru was her heya-gakkari. In some ways she might know Shizuru better than the rest of us."
To a certain extent, Anh Lu was sheltered. She supposed in many ways that was the life of a Princess. Attending Garderobe was her first time stepping foot in another country. As her father's Otome she rarely left An Nam unless she was on a diplomatic mission guarding him. Becoming the Infinite Wisdom Azurite did open up new worlds to her and she had seen many things over the years that her siblings never would because of her position. But despite all she had seen that sheltered Princess she once was never quite went away. Anh knew that, particularly in moments like this.
Shizuru Viola had always been different than her. The daughter of a Duke instead of a King, she wasn't isolated and kept hidden for her own safety, brought out only for special occasions of state. Shizuru was doted on by her father to the degree that she could do whatever she wanted. While Anh had learned the art of charm and guile from life at court it seemed to come naturally to Shizuru and there was a freedom to her that Anh envied. She never feared rejection and simply went after what she wanted. Anh had been pursued in such a way at Garderobe and couldn't help but want the girl for her heya-gakkari because of it.
An Nam was an old fashioned nation in many ways, rejecting newer technology, and steeped in tradition. Anh sometimes felt hindered by it in her youth and longed for the modern ways of their neighboring countries. She heard tales of Quang Bihn and their lawlessness and hedonism, legalizing things like gambling and prostitution, which would never happen in her own homeland. The tiny country was a traveling point for the eastern lands of Earl and it was easy to get lost here there were so many people. It didn't surprise Anh too much that Shizuru would be found here but she didn't expect to discover her in this place.
Working in a brothel.
The sheltered days as a Princess in her palace came rushing back to her and Anh felt an immediate distaste and disgust as she walked into the building. Shizuru teased her often, saying she only had morals when she was sober, and maybe that was true, she knew what she became when she drank and she often thought it was because of how she was raised. There were so many rules she had to follow as An Nam royalty, strict etiquette she had to obey, and it was stifling. When she was drunk she let all of that go and her desires were set free at last and it was a dangerous thing to witness.
After a quick conversation with the brothel owner, Anh was relieved to learn Shizuru wasn't one of the prostitutes but was instead a bodyguard. But still, the idea of Shizuru in this place, with these people, it was such a downfall, such a waste. Anh tried to plan her words as she followed Madame Tien through cramped hallways until they came to a large dining room where several prostitutes sat at a long table. At the end of it was Shizuru, a sword in her lap and a crooked smile on her features as she flirted with several of the women.
"Shizuru-san," Madame Tien called out. "You have a visitor."
The clang of pots and pans continued but all conversation stopped as Shizuru looked at Anh. Her rust colored eyes narrowed and her lips curled in something of a mocking smile. "Anh-oneesama," she drawled. "What brings you to Quang Bihn?"
"We want you to come back," said Anh tightly, keeping her gaze fixed on Shizuru instead of the workers who looked at them with open curiosity. Anh tried to ignore the girl at Shizuru's side who held her hand and looked like a pale imitation of Natsuki but found it impossible.
"Ara," Shizuru clucked her tongue and formed an face of exaggerated sadness. "I'm afraid I can't. I have a job here."
"A job?" repeated Anh incredulously, unable to hide her contempt any longer. "You call this a job? You were once a Column of Garderobe, the most feared Otome among our numbers, and you've been reduced to this? A lowly bodyguard in a brothel?"
At this, even the clang of the pots stopped and the workers all stared at Shizuru in shock save for Madame Tien who had a knowing look in her gaze. Shizuru's eyes narrowed and she rose to her feet, jian in hand as she said, "I think we should continue this conversation in private, Anh-oneesama."
Though she moved with her usual elegance, there was a difference to Shizuru. The stench of alcohol was carried with her and once they were alone Anh could see a glaze in her eyes along with an emptiness. This wasn't the woman she had known and part of Anh wondered if it was foolish to think they would ever see that person again. Shizuru closed the door to her small room then turned to face her, a cold look on her features, and a silent ultimatum in the air.
"What would Natsuki-san think?" Anh demanded, the words bursting from her lips before she could help herself. Natsuki had always been Shizuru's weak point, the one thing that made her stop and consider, sometimes even hesitate, and Anh hoped by invoking her name she might get Shizuru to rethink her current behavior. "You working here? You bedding prostitutes?"
"My Natsuki is dead, she cannot think anything," Shizuru spat out. "Is that all Anh-oneesama came to say?"
"The afternoon has hardly begun and you already reek of alcohol," Anh continued, disapproving but worried as she neared the other woman. "Shizuru," she reached out to touch the brunette but found her hand seized.
"If Anh-oneesama only came to lecture me I have better things to do," said Shizuru, her voice flat.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" asked Anh, searching for some sign of the girl who had followed after her in Garderobe wearing a brilliant smile and playful look on her features. "Natsuki-san wouldn't have approved."
"Anh-oneesama shouldn't act as if sex without love is such a tremendous crime," Shizuru said smoothly, lifting an eyebrow and releasing Anh's hand. "It isn't as if we were ever in love when we were together. I fail to see the difference."
"You never paid me, nor I you!" Anh exclaimed, her cheeks red, her expression furious.
"There is that," Shizuru allowed with a chuckle, moving across the room to pour a glass of alcohol. Hearing Anh's protest on seeing this, Shizuru went on, "When I drink my mind isn't as sharp and I can pretend I don't remember. It's the one thing that helps me to go on and those women don't deserve your scorn, Anh-oneesama. When I'm with them I know for a few instants what it is to be happy again." Shizuru took a long drink and when she was done, she said, "You shouldn't judge."
"Haruka asked me to bring you back," said Anh when the silence got to her. She didn't know what else to say, how to communicate with the Shizuru who stood before her as a virtual stranger, so she just told the truth. "Begged, actually."
"Haruka doesn't beg," said Shizuru in swift reply, her voice flinty, and her hands gripped the glass hard enough that Anh thought it had a chance of cracking in her hold. "You're lying."
"She begged for you," said Anh candidly and she chanced stepping closer to the other woman who was staring into her glass of alcohol. "She's long recovered from those injuries you gave her and has taken over teaching Miss Maria's classes at Garderobe. Shizuru," Anh said her name softly, touching the brunette's arm and smiling when Shizuru gazed at her with a lost look on her features. "If you don't return with me now, she'll come for you when her sentence is over. She wants you back."
"Why?" asked Shizuru helplessly.
There were so many things she wanted to elaborate on. Why would Haruka want her around when Sara was right? When they only fed each other's misery? When she nearly killed her? When she made her do things she never would have when she was in her right mind? When she was nothing but a burden and a curse to the other woman? Why would Haruka want any of that?
"Haruka needs you," said Anh simply and she paused to dig through the pockets of her dress. After a few moments she presented Shizuru with the Bewitching Smile Amethyst GEM which sparkled in the dim light of the room and said, "This is yours."
"What's wrong with Haruka?" Shizuru questioned in a whisper, her eyes focused on the GEM, and her face shadowed. "Why does she need me? Sara was supposed to take care of her. She promised."
"Sara isn't you and Sara can't be Yukino, no matter how much Haruka wants her to be," Anh murmured sadly. They didn't discuss it, the other Otome and the staff at Garderobe, but they all saw it. Witnessed the ways that Haruka tried to see Yukino in Sara and found relief in that and though they were glad to see Haruka's spirits lifted it worried them all the same.
Her frown deepened and Shizuru slowly reached for her GEM with trembling hands and placed it in her ear, shuddering at the heat she immediately felt and the power that swept over her body. It was like a homecoming but it filled her with dread. Could she really do this again? Be an Otome? Live up to all those expectations? She didn't know but she did know that Anh wasn't lying to her when she said that Haruka needed her. Shizuru could see the truth of it in her eyes and that was the only thing that mattered. She left to keep Haruka safe from her but if Haruka needed her, if she wanted her, then Shizuru had to return. There was no other choice in her mind, not when Haruka was the only person who understood the misery that was losing Natsuki.
When they opened the door to her room, Rebecca was there, tears in her eyes and Shizuru held her close, then gave into temptation for the first and final time, pulling the girl in for a kiss. It was short and it was sweet and when it was done she gave Rebecca all of her money and touched her cheek, telling her to go to Laudenbach like she always dreamed. Then she materialized her robe to begin her flight back to Garderobe, back to Haruka, and back to what remained of her life.