Dear Joey,
I guess I'm not surprised by Lucy's actions. I knew all along her game plan, it was just painful that you couldn't, and that I let myself fall into the alcoholic trap and letting myself be branded a liar. She played us both good, too good. In all honesty it's just a shame, a shame we let another person come between us again, that we weren't strong enough after everything we went through to get past it.
I'm sorry I didn't say good bye to you properly, but I couldn't face seeing you unsure whether I will be returning, because right now I don't think I can. There is too much pain surrounding Walford, I can't afford to fall back into that trap, find myself back here in a few months. I guess knowing this you deserved a goodbye, we deserved one because after everything I loved you and I'm pretty sure you loved me at some point too however short it may have been. But now being here, the thought of returning frightens me, the thought of seeing you again frightens me.
I've come to this realisation that we bring out the best and the worst in each other. The best possible me all those months ago when you came back after Christmas, finally enjoying happiness that was the best me. Then you also brought out the insecure, scared Lauren who drowned her fears in vodka, aka the worst me. Sometimes the person you love the most is the person who is the most toxic for you to be around.
My counsellor asked me to talk about that night. The night when we crashed in Derek's car. It made me laugh in all honesty, we were so naïve and blinded that we thought it would work. Running away together like a pair of teenagers, crashing minutes later. Then we were thrown into this life and death situation and no matter what you say, YOU were the one that saved me that night, not Derek, you.
You were the one that pulled me from the car and helped me through the rubble and flames, so in some way you were that hero I wrote about in my last letter, I just hadn't seen it. After talking and yes crying, I felt overwhelmed with guilt. I let you take the rap for another mistake I had made. You could have faced prison for me, and that's when it struck me, how much you must of cared for me, to risk yourself. For that I will always be grateful Joe.
I have to go now. I guess this letter was more of a thank you, so much reminiscing in this place makes a girl realise just how lucky she was at one point.
I miss you..
Lauren xxx