CLARES PASTTTTT (?)

CLARE POV
FREE PERIOD

I was sitting by a random locker, again, with Lucas, examining my scars out of boredom, and then Lucas cleared his throat. I looked up to see Eli standing there; I quickly pulled down my sleeves, and pulled my shirt back over my stomach.

"Yes?" I asked him, not trying to be mean or anything, but I really wasn't in the mood for anybody right now.

"Um I have a problem getting to my locker." Why would I care?

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Move out of the way of my locker." He had his smile on again. I felt so stupid.

"I'm sorry, let's go Luke-ford." I started laughing at him, I don't know why but that's all that really irks him, not calling him by his real name.

"Clarice" he said and stuck out his tongue.

"Not my name, remember?"

"And my name is Lucas."

"Your point being?"

"You know I hate being that."

"I'm sorry but its sooooo much fun, and it's too easy to mess with you, besides you deserve it for not," I stopped realizing I was still in front of Eli's locker, oops! I quickly pulled Lucas's arm so were a few feet away.

ELI POV

They were like children around each other, when she realized they were still in front of my locker, she quickly pulled him away. He started to complain about her hurting his arm.

"Clare bear, look what you did! That's my throwing arm!" then she started being all cute again,

"Want me to kiss it better?" his face puckered up.

"Ew! Clare bear kisses, your gunna give me cooties Clare!"

"Muahahah!" she is so cute sometimes, she was chasing him down the hallway with her lips puckered, I think maybe that's why they were close friends, because of her hard times, and they were there for each other. Then they went off until they were at her locker down the hall. She smacked his arm for whatever reason, and he faked a whine, while she pretended to be mad.

END OF THE DAY
CLARE POV

I was outside waiting for Eli, the more I was around him, the happier it made me feel, and I've only been around him twice. As I looked at my watch I looked back up to see Caleb standing in front of me.

"Caleb leave me alone." He sighed,

"Clare, I like you, a lot"

"Well I don't like you, so go find another girl." He put his hands on my sides, it made me feel gross.

"Stop, now" he wouldn't stop.

"Caleb, I am begging you, stop; I feel very uncomfortable," when I looked up all I could think about was my dad, I didn't see Caleb, and I saw my dad, standing there, not stopping.

"Dad, stop, please, you're hurting me…" I felt his body being flung off of me, by Lucas, by then I was crying. I wasn't aware of the outside world, I kept crying, feeling his hands all over me, inside me.

"Clare, Clare it's okay, he's not here, relax, it's only in your head, honey please stop." I opened my eyes to see Lucas holding me.

"Lucas, I am sorry, I just, it reminded me of, of…" I couldn't say it.

"Clare bear, I know." Then Eli came outside, and saw me crying,

"What's wrong?" he asked me with genuine concern, I didn't want to lie about it, but I didn't want him to know, everyone who knew treated me differently except Lucas.

"I don't want to talk about it, but Lucas you can go now, I am fine, just keep your nasty brother away from me when ever I am at your house." He nodded.

"Clare, I am going to tell Simpson, okay?" NO!

"No! You can't, I don't need anyone to know," I was forgetting Eli's presence.

"Clare, can you at least tell your therapist?"

"Why? I just want to forget it! She will just make me wear those stupid rubber bands again, they don't work very well, plus I don't need them." Then when Eli talked I remembered he was there.

"Will someone enlighten me with what's going on?" I sighed.

"Not yet," I glanced at Lucas, who seemed uncomfortable,

"Clare, can I talk to you for a minute,"

"Actually Lucas, Eli is giving me a ride, so I should go," I knew he would tell me not to tell Eli, but I wasn't anyway, I would tell him another time. Once me and Eli were alone I tried to explain without telling.

"I just have some problems, there's probably rumors around, I don't know which of them are true or not, but they probably are, I don't feel comfortable talking about it yet, but once I do, I think I could tell you, I just don't like people viewing me differently because of my past, it's the past, so it shouldn't be that big of deal, but sometimes the past lingers into the present." He looked at me, deep in thought.

"I understand, I have a past too, and I am sure eventually you will find out about me as well." I smiled as we climbed into his… hearse?

"How come you drive a hearse?" he did that smiley thing I REALLY like,

"Why does it matter?" but he was just being annoying

"Touché" he laughed as I climbed into his seats, my arm was hurting, I looked down to see my recent cut burst open, I jumped out of the car? And took off my long sleeve shirt, that know had a bloody sleeve, and balled it up and applied pressure to my arm, not thinking that he can probably see all my other scars up my arms, considering I am in a t-shirt. He rushed out of the car, over to my side, looks me up and down real quick, then tries to help me.

"You should probably go, I am just messing up your day," he nodded.

"No it's okay, lets get you cleaned up." I tried desperately to cover my arms, he saw this and handed me his jacket, after we stopped my bleeding.

"Thanks, a lot, but why are you being so nice to me?" he sighed then rolled up his shirt sleeve, to reveal scars like mine, only none of his were new.

"Oh," was all I could come up with.

"Why do you still cut yourself?" he asked with concern. I knew I should tell him. So I will.

"When I was 14, my mom and dad were arguing a lot, so one night, I had Lucas come over, he stayed the night, and my dad came in drunken one of those nights and…" I started to tear up, so I quickly cleared my throat, and wiped my eyes.

"You don't have to tell me…"

"No, I want to." He nodded.

"Well he came in one night while Lucas was just sleeping, we weren't even doing anything, besides sleeping, and he starts yelling at Lucas, telling him to get the fuck out of his house. When Lucas left my dad came back with more whiskey, and he said that if I was going to act like such a who-ore," by now I was just crying. "Then he would treat me like one, then he started to tou-u-ch me, all over me, then I didn't tell anyone because I was afraid of getting in trouble. So then when he came in the next night, he did it again. I felt so dirty, I started to cut myself, then I realized it helps, and that if I did that, I would be fine. Then after a month of him doing this to me, I kept asking him to stop, then I realized that only made him more anxious, and it hurt more, but then he decided that he needed to do more, and he," I sighed. "He raped me, over, and over and over again." I tried to scream because it hurt so bad, then he threw my lamp at my head, so I passed out. When I woke up I was covered in my own blood all over my bed, completely naked. I quickly cleaned up and went to m bathroom to cut myself again, only I decided to cut deeper, so I slit down instead of across, hoping it would help more. It didn't, because I woke up the next day in the hospital, my arms and body strapped down to the bed. I thought that they new everything, but they didn't. then my dad came in and started yelling how I should of never did that to myself, I thought 'hey he actually cares,' then he got real close to my head, and told me that he would just have to find another toy," I sighed and started to cry again, this time Eli pulled me into his arms, this was the first time I felt comfortable with a guy touching me except Lucas.

"So I knew I had to tell to save someone else from this, when I did Lucas was always there for me, he is over protective, and I can't help but love him. I couldn't be at my house for 6 months after that, so he tried to let his parents to let me stay there. When they told him no, he played the guilt card, my mom thought it was offensive, but I thought it was cute, because it worked. He would sleep with me every night and talk to me about nonsense until I could fall asleep. He would do that every, single, night until I told him I was ready to go home, even then for the first couple nights he would stay on the phone with me until I fell asleep. Then after another 6 months I came to Degrassi! I was doing really well with forgetting about it all, then I met KC, he was sweet and nice to me, when all I wanted to do was push everyone away, I thought I was being stupid not giving KC what he wanted, I thought it was mean for me to make him stay with me for nothing in return, so I tried to do that with him, but once we got into the moment, I just saw," I kept crying and Eli just held me, it felt so nice, just being held, by another guy without freaking out. "I just saw my dad over top of me yelling at me and I couldn't do it, I pushed him off me and ran out of the place, he forgave me but I could tell he was still mad, so I cut myself for making him sad with my stupid past, it was all my fault and I just let him slip away into Jenna's hands, Jenna who didn't have a fucked up life, who could make him happy, so I kept cutting myself for the littlest reason, I cut when he first flirted, I cut when he broke up with me, then when I saw him the very next day making out with her. I cut when I found out he was molested, and I thought maybe he'd want to be my friend, but he went to Jenna for support, I cut when I realized no one could ever like me after that. I stopped for a while, but when I have a bad day, all my emotions just come out and I can't help but cut," I pointed to on that looked a little different. "One time, after my Therapist took all of my sharp things away, I just scratched until it started to bleed. I have no idea why I am telling you this, but I feel like I can trust you, I am just a messed up person, a guy can't even touch me without me spazzing out in front of the whole school. The only guy who could touch me after that was Lucas, but here I am practically on top of you, and I feel fine, safe. But when Caleb tries to flirt with me, much to my despise, and touches my sides, I freak out. I wish I was like Jenna, she has it so easy, or Alli, but I would never want to put my pain onto anyone else, I'd rather people be happy if they can, I try my best to be happy, but it's hard when everyone is always being super careful around you, my mom wont even cut vegetables with me in the room, she's afraid I'll lunge over the counter to grab her knife because I am sooooo addicted to it," I said that part sarcastically of course. "Or there always using it against me," I looked at him waiting for him to say something, he just sits there. I shouldn't have said anything, I started to try to get out of the car, mumbling an I'm sorry, but he just pulled me back into a hug, I was utterly confused to say the least.

"I have never met someone like you before, Clare." Those were the kindest words I have ever heard, or the rudest, but I have a feeling that it was the kindest.