MAY
Feeling the tiredness settle in my bones like lead, I was glad the heavy rain had forced me onto the tram. With an unsettled stomach as my near constant companion these days, exhaustion and nerves added a harsh undercurrent to the waves of nausea that passed over me as I tried to keep my cover in the jostling carriage. The cool glass against my cheek provided some small relief as I rested my head against the window. It wouldn't be long more now, whether that's welcome news or not, I'm still unsure. Grimacing at the twinge I could already feel in my neck, it was yet another reminder of what a literal pain being restricted to land travel could be. My back ached from weeks of travelling across country and sleeping on crappy hotel mattresses. But I'd do it all ten times over if this plan came together.
My moment of brief satisfaction was interrupted as the tram jolted to a stop and my cheekbone bounced against the window before I had a chance to right myself. However, triggered by the unexpected blossoming of pain, my hand flew instinctively to my stomach rather than my head. I mentally chastised myself; none of this was going to work if I continued to be so obvious. Even so, as the tram rocked back into motion, my hands lingered on my slightly swollen abdomen. My thoughts unconsciously flitted into the one space I'd been trying desperately to keep them away from. Thoughts of Phil, or more pointedly of the distinct lack of Phil did nothing to discourage the turbulent emotions that fluttered dangerously closer to the surface as more time passed. It was all I could do most days to pour my mind into everything and anything other than the void left by his absence. But tonight, apparently, nestled somewhere beneath my fingertips, his baby had other plans.
PHIL
I started counting the ceiling tiles again as I lay back on the small bunk. With my hands laced loosely over my abdomen, my body held every bit of ease that my mind did not. The hard labour that exhausted my body each day did nothing to prevent my mind running laps when I finally had the chance to rest. Not that rest was really an option, not when I spent the day mentally running in circles, every thought starting and ending with Melinda May. It was a cruel joke; that I could practically still feel the warmth of her touch lingering on my skin when in reality, she was literal worlds away. Well, I can only assume.
The captivating astral view from the observation deck told me I was far from earth but how far, I couldn't even begin to guess. In my own time I was free to observe the view from the deck; vast and beautiful and ever changing. Even in my first moments of pure awe, I knew I would trade it all in a heartbeat for a glimpse of Melinda. S.H.I.E.L.D had taken me all over the world and now finally beyond it but May was the only real home I had. Even at this distance, she was my constant companion, she kept my heart beating and my thoughts racing as she ran incessantly through my mind. Just like always, as I worked, it was her voice in my ear, taking my problems and handing back solutions in the meticulous way only she could.
But reality and dreaded possibilities awaited just behind my eyelids, showing the worst of her that I came to feel as the worst of myself. Empty eyes and a dead little girl. A body he knew so well, faded to almost beyond my recognition as she fell from the grasp of the framework. Wasted chances and broken promises and no - . Tearing my mind away from its familiar spiral, I took it to the only safe place I had left, reliving the one blissful memory that had kept me sane. The weight of her leaning against my chest, real and close and safe.
Tonight, that memory pushed me from the bed and onto my knees as I lifted the thin mattress, removing the drawings I had carefully stashed despite my solidarity on the ship. Laying them out once more, I set aside my tiredness: If I was going to feel her back in my arms any time soon, I needed to get to work.
MAY
I instinctively pulled my coat tighter against the rain that hammered down, even though my clothes were already sodden beneath it. Shivering as the wind tore through the light fabric, I longed for the warmth of the thick sweater I could almost visualize packed at the bottom of my bag. Which was useless, of course, seeing as the bag in question was probably still sitting pretty on the mountainside where I had been forced to abandon it. The sting of that memory brought some comfort, that trip had lead me closer to Phil and ultimately directed me here. Or, what I hoped was getting very close to here.
I had enough emergency field training to know I was dangerously cold without the indication of the rain slowly turning to sleet as it battered the pavement. I quickly dismiss the bitter thoughts that I should have stayed on the tram, despite the security risks. If anyone had been watching, my destination would become far too obvious if I had taken the tram directly into the area. Departing a few stops before had seemed like the right move at the time but that was over two hours ago now. I'd hope to make better time but I couldn't risk drawing attention to myself by running. It was all I could do to keep trudging forward at this steady pace, trying to ignore the dizziness that hazed my vision more and more frequently. Having retched what little I had to eat shortly after exiting the tram, my body was running on sheer determination alone.
Despite dreading the fallout from what I was about to do, relief flooded my system as the fencing came into view. It was a useless security measure as I was able to slip easily through the gap in the panels and dash quickly across the grounds. I was grateful for this small mercy, even though I knew these people had other ways of protecting what was important to them. Security was embarrassingly loose, poorly placed surveillance cameras all pointing outward only meant I could creep easily along the walls amongst the shadows until I came to the right door. It wasn't a priority area, the simple keypad easy to unscrew and short circuit. Still, it takes longer than it should have, clumsy fingers, numb and shivering, slowing me down. My legs had already stiffened from the cold as I heard the lock disengage beside me and I hurried through the door. I move quickly through the corridors, the warmth washing over me and fizzling uncomfortably under my frozen skin. I thought I'd done a pretty good job ignoring the doubts that were building in the back of my mind until I unconsciously slowed to a halt as I reached the final corner. Mentally shaking myself, I take the final steps forward and give a quick knock on the plain grey door. I didn't notice I'd been holding my breath until the until all the air rushed from my lungs when I saw Daisy on the other side of the door.