Okay, before I say anything, after a warning from the lovely Darkravensnight, I thought it'd be best to retreat to DeviantART... Well, if enough people actually care for this. I'll keep this whole thing up, but I'm not going to update on here anymore. Sorry for the inconvenience! My account can be found in my account page thing. Thanks, girl!
Section 1: I'm Gonna Regret This
Okay, so for today... we are... auuuugh... looking at my first fanfiction from 2 years ago. I didn't even think of a damned name for the thing, and asdfghjkl; I don't wanna do this. The purpose is to:
Show how it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them
To show you all how much of a douche I was
Poke fun at bad fics like I kinda wanted to
Show mistakes commonly found in fics
Also, this is a Suesert, FMA-fan-in-Amestris fic. You have been warned. (My commentary is in bold, and in parenthesis.) Let's get this over with.
I was talking to my friend, Mercedes, as I did every day. (Okay... Where's the intro? The exposition just slapped me in the face and ran, so I missed it.) Everyone called her 'Sadie,' Mercedes is kind of a mouthful. (How do I relevancy) She was listening to me (pretending to) as I kept blabbing about my favorite anime, FullMetal (Fullmetal*) Alchemist Brotherhood. I was nothing but an otaku (weeaboo) who loves FMA. My waist-length, dyed silvery-black hair gracefully flounced up and down as we walked in the halls, going to lunch. (Watch as the wild Mary-Sue boasts about her rainbow mane, confusing her prey.) I kept playing with my bangs, four clumps of hair dyed green, orange and black. (Because long-ass silver hair isn't enough!) They normally covered my right eye, but my left eye always shone like the rubies I knew they were. (Single eye, plural rubies) Of course, I wore contacts. I picked a red color because I thought it looked better. (Let's ignore how inane that is and move on. Also, silver hair and red eyes? Can anyone spell plot device?) My school's policy doesn't allow "Contacts, clothing, or dyed hair distracting or irritating to the eye." A lot of people ignored this, though, the faculty didn't care at all. (And this is relevant because...?)We arrived at the cafeteria and I slammed my colorful assortment of school books on our lunch table. (Not to mention a lot of my manga.) I took my sketchbook with me, and my backpack was hanging off my shoulder. I had my laptop, cell phone, and my flash drive in it along with boring school stuff. And, you guessed it, A LOT of manga. (Wow, really? Do tell, I'd like to hear more about your completely boring backpack contents. Let's go fuck around with the minor details because what is plot.) I was wearing my favorite outfit to school today. A red plaid vest with a ruffled black skull emblem on it, a black dress shirt with elbow-length sleeves, and some red skinny jeans with black checked high-tops that went up about two or three inches. (Relevancy. How do?) We walked up to the Ale Cart line and she listened to me talk about my favorite character, Envy. "He murdered Hughes, but I don't care~" I chirped. "He started the Ishvalan war... But I don't care~ and I LOVE to draw him. He's so cool~! He's the hottest palm tree ever~!" "Yeah, yeah. I get it." Sadie sighed. "Let's just grab some pizza…" (Ignoring how shallow I was, how about we put a break between speakers?) Her blue eyes rolled around and she played with her shoulder-length dyed blue hair. I was always in love with her haircut. Her bangs just barely covered the tip of her eyes. The haircut ended just below her shoulders, and puffed out at the ends. Her clothes were all wrinkled up. She wore a plaid baby-doll top. It was black and had blue-gray skulls on it. She also has a gray skirt outlined in a frilly black lining with black tights. Her shoes were black Chuck Taylors that went up to her shins. (Wait... wait, do you hear that? That odd noise coming from over there? That's the sound of no one giving a fuck. Seriously, this isn't relevant. Small details are fine, but don't overwhelm the reader.)
As we were chatting away the desperate times of waiting for lunch, I heard a huge BOOM noise and my head flicked in the direction it had come from.
Suddenly, I gasped. I couldn't believe it. (Let's forget how dull that was and feign surprise! LE GASP!)
Before the entire eighth grade's eyes, A tan cafeteria wall, glass windows and all, came crashing down to meet the linoleum checkered floor. Two shadows emerged from the dusty rubble. A short, fat one and a taller, muscular one that had a voluminous hairstyle. It couldn't possibly be...
But it was. (Let's just forget that said shadows are of beings from a secret organization planning to pretty much destroy a country. Nah, they don't need to cover their asses of anything.)
Not before long, the silhouettes became clear. NO. No no no no. NO way. I must be dreaming. "There she is, Gluttony." Envy's face became cloaked in a cruel white smirk. He pointed to the lunch line I was standing at. "Those two are the ones we're looking for. Stay here, and don't eat anything… Yet." Suddenly, he bolted toward me. Whoa. As much as I want to hug this supposed Envy, I don't think that's the best idea. But… Why does he want... ME? (Because you're speshul.)I thought. (That's the first thing I think of when I see a fictional character in my school cafeteria, naturally.) I wish Skyler was here... He was my dearest friend. And he doubled as my boyfriend. (Stahp. Please. RELEVANCY.) I grabbed my pocketknife out of my jeans (I always kept one, even though it was against the main rule of no weapons. I used it's lock-picking feature more than anything else.) (These facts affect the plot, don'tcha know?) And I barreled across the cafeteria as he ran after me. Huffing and moving as fast as I could, I honestly thought I was dreaming. (Okay, I really did keep a pocketknife on me, but it really isn't necessary to the story. I lose it after this chapter.)
Before I could make it out, he caught me by my arm. Adrenaline rushed through my veins as all my fellow teenagers gaped upon what is arising. With my newly found energy, I cut him with my knife and I dashed in the other direction. (That's real useful. Let's cut the regenerating homunculus and piss him off.) My high-tops where NOT for running. (Do I need to say the R-word again?) His anger and frustration arose and he ran in pursuit me. I stopped as I ran into a wall. Backed in a corner, Envy strutted up to me with a cocky gait. (Resisting a runway model joke, I question how he didn't catch you when he was standing in front of you 5 seconds ago.) "W-What do you want, E-Envy?" I demanded. I tried to sound as brave as I could, but it wasn't very convincing. I held up my pocketknife in defense. "Oh, you know who I am? Oh, no~" His eyes sarcastically saddened, then his arrogant face returned. "Good. That means you know what trouble you're in." His boastful smirk stayed strong as about 115 kids were shockingly gasping and gossiping about what was happening. No thanks, guys, I don't need any help. I'm just being beaten by a hot sadistic psycho. (Fuck the relevancy thing with the kids, but are you fucking kidding me. This isn't the time to drool over him/it. This isn't natural!)
He took hold of my arm and violently flipped me over onto the floor, coated with dust, pieces of the wall, and glass. "I'm not allowed to kill you, but that won't stop me from having some fun~!" he sing-songed. (Yes, let's beat the person my boss needs well and healthy for no reason. That's cool.) It sent chills down my spine. He whipped my entire body over his shoulder, he had no problem doing it, too. A shard of glass stabbed my arm when I collided with the cold floor, and thick red blood gushed out onto the debris. My gut slammed onto the dirt and I let out a gasp and coughed up more of the revolting red liquid. I always became distressed and terrified at the sight of blood. I was already breathless. "Oh my God... Oh my God... Oh my God.. Get it Away!" I screamed in between gasps and started hyperventilating. I became frozen with fear as I gawked at my own blood, and the adrenalin rush suddenly faded away. I laid there, pinned by Envy's arms grabbing my own. He kept laughing. His laugh had cruel and unthinkable. Every chuckle he failed to stifle was like a dagger ripping through your heart. (Magical second person. Also, yes. I was afraid of blood at one point.)
This isn't happening. I thought, this is impossible. I'm dreaming. I feel pain, but I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming. This blood isn't real. Ha-ha, it's fake blood! Please be fake...
The cafeteria was filled with only half the kids as before. I saw backs fleeing in the distance, out of the cafeteria. It was very blurry, their shirts were almost like a glob of rainbow. The others were to petrified to move. Then, I saw tropical blue dyed hair slowly pacing toward me. "Sadie! Run away, they'll kill you!" I begged.
"I know that. I watched Brotherhood too, you know." (IRL Sadie did not, actually. She hates it. I just wanted another plot drone) "W-Who... cares?! Just go! They won't kill... m-me; they're not a-a-allowed to! Just GO! Take... Take everyone e-else with you!" (I-I'm stuttering t-to ma-make i-i-it more d-dramatic) "No. I'm not abandoning you." (Sadie is so casual , it's like she's playing Animal Crossing.)
"Wait..." Envy said, "You... Blue-haired girl…" Oh, No. He better not hurt my best friend… I will personally rip his hair out. "Why don't you come quietly, or maybe I'll beat the tar out of you like your friend here." His grin grew even larger, to my surprise. "Don't touch her! I swear-" "What?" Envy asked, mockingly frowning in an insulted fashion, "What would you do if I hurt your pitiful human 'friend'? You seem powerless in the situation." (I really don't remember why I wrote that so… dramatic?) "Then... I-I-I'll kill... myself! So...So will Sadie! Then you'll g-go home e-e-empty-handed!" (Boy, you sure got over that blood fast.) Sadie gazed at me with a face that said, "Are you INSANE?!" Than, (Okay, even I know that's the wrong then/than!) she realized I was bluffing and went on with the plan. "Agreed." She claimed, "Than you'll visit your Father with no candidates. What'll happen then, you ugly palm tree?" Envy paused. His expression morphed into a furious stare, but he let Mercedes' comment slide. Than, he turned and stared at me, I swear I saw the smallest dart of fear in his strong violet eyes. (Okay, I am seriously freaked out about how much I talked about Envy's face. It's messed up.) Before he got a chance to get back to business, I squirmed out of his pin, grabbed my knife and I ran. I noticed that I somehow still held my sketchbook. How miraculous. (Impossible, my dear 11/12-year-old self. But I guess that's obvious, yeah? Backpack's still there, too, I think.) I grabbed Sadie's hand and she fled with me. "Also, if I see one person missing from this school..." I threatened, "This'll b-be the last time you'll see us alive!" I don't know if he realized I was still bluffing, but he and Gluttony ran after us anyways. (He's just a little more focused on his actual goal than bloodshed. That comes when he's bored.) I'm still really, really scarred from the blood. I'll forever be terrified of that insane, file fluid. But I need to keep running. (Oh, there it is! It's at the bottom of that barrel over there!) I'm nauseous from just thinking about it... Sadie took a shard of glass on the floor and chucked it back, hoping it would slow them down.
It did, not by much though, it hit Envy and he just pulled it out and ran. He was madder than before. Mercedes took my sketchbook and stuffed it into her jacket. (Sketchbooks fit in jackets, yeah?)
I kept running and running, not sure where to go, but I ran out of the cafeteria and outside, where the trailers are. My light backpack was still clinging onto my shoulder for dear life. I bolted into Mrs. Baylor's classroom, unsure where to go next. She was very kind, so I felt uneasy bringing her into this. I locked her door behind me. "Britt? Sadie?" she asked. "What are you doing here?" She looked at my left arm and my legs, covered with blood. "What happened to you?!" (Ask, don't help) "No time to explain," I heaved, "Just listen to me-" "Knock knock, let me come in~" Envy sang, "I've been looking for you." "If there's anyone else in there, can I eat them?" Gluttony asked in a childish tone. "Yes. Snack on whoever else is in the room." I stopped. Mrs. Baylor had to leave. NOW.
Suddenly, a loud BAM! Came from the door. Than another. "Mrs. Baylor," I pleaded, "Go hide. Go next door in the math classroom. These people are dangerous." (All the trailers had 3 doors. One for students to enter, one leading to next door, and one leading into the back field.) (This. Isn't NEEDED!) BAM! "But what about you?" "They can't kill us. The person who sent them here for us- they need us alive. So just go!" BAM! The door was on its breaking point. It cracked. Mrs. Baylor ran into the other classroom. (Because helping kids is a no-no.)
Sadie dragged me out of the room, out of the other door that lead outside.
I began to feel dizzy. The huge shard of glass in my arm and the other debris and glass that caught on my legs... I'd lost to (too) much blood. (This didn't occur to you before? What, was the blood waiting for the drama to end first?) Mercedes kept lugging me and from the distance we were at from the trailer, we actually heard the door come crashing down. Envy must be extremely irritated. My pace slowed bit by bit as I lost more and more blood. I was panicking as Sadie scrambled across the lush green field behind the trailers, dragging me. "Sadie... Mercedes...!" I gasped, "I'm losing to much blood..." I stumbled across the landscape and it seem I took to many twists, and lost Envy and Gluttony. (Wait, what?) I looked like a huge gory mess, I was wounded from my neck to my toes. I think I broke a rib, (I can't tell if I was exaggerating or really stupid.) and Sadie was injured, too. I think it was just minor. It was hard to tell with my vision going blurry. (I'm more important; give me more wounds!)
Mercedes and I skidded around a corner where a black projectile bulleted toward us. It suddenly stopped in front of Sadie's forehead. I started feeling more lightheaded than before. I fell to my knees with dizziness. Then, a pale women in a long gown stood before me.
'Oh crap… Please, God no…!' I thought, 'Crap! I've lost to much blood to run away…' (Aw, shit nigga, you be fucked now.) As I suspected, Lust stood before me. I saw an un-amused look in her plum eyes. Envy and Gluttony had arrived in the action, standing behind us. (Why was Gluttony here, anyways? Certainly not to look pretty.) Envy's face had turned from a concerned frown, back to his cocky and conceded smirk. He grabbed my pocketknife out of my jeans before my mind even considered using it. (Told you.)
We were cornered. (Just like all my first dates.)
I felt feeble and pathetic. Sadie turned around, only to see Envy throwing a fist at her face. She slowly fell to her knees, then on her stomach, laying down. She had been knocked out. (Captain obvious to the RESCUE!) Afterwards, I slowly blacked out. I had lost way to much blood from the bloody foot-long gash in my arm. (Again, not sure if exaggerating.) The last thing I saw was Envy, who had his amused grin on, staring down at me, sarcastically waving.
What had we gotten ourselves into? (Tell me about it.)
Oh good gods. That was painful.
Anyway, now you know what chaos I went through to make it here today. And hell, I know that in 10 years, I'll be looking at this, ashamed of myself. So here's just a random 'hey, let's go fuck over my old self by showing how everything here is wrong!' Moving on, this really is a compiliation of what NOT to do in a first chapter. Like, fo' shizzles. There's not really much else to say.
See you next time!
Questions of the day:
Ever looked back on an old work you made and sobbed?
Do you think I should keep this running on DeviantART?
My answer:
Clearly.
Hell if I know.