I know these chapters are short, but they're coming pretty quickly. Does that make up for it? I hope so.
Disclaimer: I still don't own any of this. And it makes me quite sad. Especially when I see bits of lovely foreshadowing like the Mr. Saxon reference in 'the Runaway Bride'. Wish I could do that. But I'm not great at planning out plot beforehand.
Enjoy!
CHAPTER 4
He did three full brain scans before he even thought about allowing himself to go back to sleep, even with the recent regeneration taking up energy. There was a spot in the long-term memory storage that was doing something odd. The Doctor didn't know what it meant, and frankly, he didn't care, but he had the med bay block it off for him so it couldn't affect the rest of his mind, and had his first good night's sleep in quite a while—the first time in months that red hair and green eyes hadn't invaded his thoughts and dreams.
oOo
Thankful that the images weren't bothering him anymore, the Doctor put them aside and forgot about them for the most part. Nearly a year passed, in peace from the mysterious young woman, and she was the furthest thing from his mind as he stumbled into his bedroom this night.
Rose. His Rose was gone forever. He could never see her again and he hadn't even gotten the chance to tell her he loved her. He didn't really—not in the way she wanted him to. Humans and Time Lords looked enough alike, but they were still different—entirely different species. And he was an old man. He couldn't ever love her like that. He did love her though. And she deserved to hear that.
Another tear left its track down his cheek as he collapsed onto a chair. Tears fell and his breathing became labored. His mind swirled as he lost control—lost control because it wasn't worth having anyways. What good was mental control if he couldn't even save the people he loved. He'd failed her. His Rose. Just like he'd failed everyone else that mattered.
And amidst all this inner turmoil, consciousness slipped from him and his mind fell into darkness.
~oOo~
Noise. Noise filled his senses—none of it even remotely comprehensible. Images leaked out of the cracks as well. The part of his mind that should have been sealed off was breaking down. Smells and sensations forced their way through the gaps and into his mind, blocking off or overwhelming all of what might have been there before.
The images swirled in an incomprehensible mass, making it impossible to decipher any of it. It felt like years before any one scene came to the forefront.
oOo
The Doctor stood back in the corner of a room, avoiding getting involved in the conflict before him.
"How could you just leave, Lily!? How could you!?" a woman screamed. "How could you get us mixed up in all your freakish nonesense and then leave us alone!?"
The younger redhead hung her head in shame. "I didn't mean to Tuney. You know I'd never purposely leave you to get hurt. I had no idea they'd come after you."
"No idea!? What does it matter, no idea!? I'm leaving, Lily! And I'm done with you! It's only because of you that both our parents are dead! It's all your fault!" She stormed off then, leaving Lily alone with the Doctor, tears streaming silently down her face.
"She's right," Lily whispered.
"No!" said the Doctor. "No, she's not! It's not your fault at all! It's the fault of the Death Eaters. Come on, love. Let's get out of here. We can go to the grave tomorrow if you want."
She fell into his arms, shaking with repressed sobs, and he comforted her as best as he could.
oOo
Images swirled once more, blending together, and the Doctor got lost in the mess, falling and flying and cowering inside his mind for what might have been all of time.
~oOo~
The Doctor woke in a panic and sprinted to the med bay, hooking himself up for more scans. Without wasting any time, he rebuilt his walls. For days afterward, he meditated, and piece by piece, put his thoughts back together, forcing everything back into its place. Only when he emerged from this state did he find the the TARDIS had been adrift for over a year. He'd been asleep for over a year!
Panicking again, he threw himself to the nearest inhabited world, making sure he landed right in the middle of trouble. He needed the distraction. And when he'd finished on that world, he shot straight towards another as fast as his TARDIS could carry him. And he travelled—alone, refusing to take companions—for years and years—never letting himself think of those images in his mind that he hid even from himself.
oOo
As the Doctor calmly pressed the botton, his hearts broke. He was destroying an entire race of people all over again. Guilt and sadness and longing and anger filled his head.
As bombs exploded around him, detonated by his hand, he faught a battle within himself. He faught a battle against his emotions that he could never win. He fought to stay on top—to stay in control. He had to kill the arachos. He had to for the sake of so many other people. But that didn't make it better.
Fire raged up angrily and water from the pipes rained down over them and the Doctor looked at Donna, the woman he had just met. He just looked at her.
And through the barriers created and hardened by a strong mind—a mind not weakened by regeneration or anything else—a single memory leaked. Because there were only a few times that someone had looked at the Doctor just like that.
~oOo~
It was pouring rain on the couple as they stood on the cliff. Below them, a city was burning. The Doctor had frozen up. He had done this. He had done it out of necessity and there had been no other way, but he had done it. He was burning that city. Children were dying because of him.
The woman at his side took his arms in her hands and turned him to face her. He could see in her emerald eyes that he was scaring her and that broke him. But she reached up and brushed the dripping brown curls from his face.
"Doctor," she said softly—lovingly, "It's okay. You can stop now. We can stop now. Let's go."
She took his hand in his and squeezed it tightly, leading him back to the TARDIS. She let him be broken for a while and she was the one comforting him instead of the other way around. And that's when he saw how much she loved him. He saw a kind of love in her eyes that was unlike anything he'd ever seen before.
And her words echoed in his mind. She'd been scared, but she had loved him enough to tell him when to stop. "Doctor, you can stop now."
~oOo~
The words were echoed outside his mind as well and he heard them come from Donna's mouth in a yell. He surveyed the fire and water around him, heard the screams.
And with Donna's and Lily's voices resounding in his head, he took back control. "Come on!" he yelled. "Time I got you out!" Because whoever Lily was, Donna wasn't like her. And Donna couldn't do what she had done. Which meant it was down to him to make sure two more lives weren't lost this time.
oOo
He was about to leave when Donna's shouts brought him back to his ship's door. And then she said something. "Find someone."
"I don't need anyone."
"Yes you do." And those word hit him. An image of that beautiful young woman came to him mind. "Because sometimes, I think you need someone to stop you." And that image persisted. That's what she'd done for him. Whether it was a dream or not didn't matter now. Because that's what Donna was talking about. He needed to find someone like her. Because she had stopped him. And then she'd taken care of him later. That was what he needed. And all he could say was:
"Yeah."
More chapters soon! Please leave a review to tell me how I'm doing! Every comment helps!
Thanks for reading!
-MP