Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns.
When me and Steve walk into Buck's, the guilt hits me.
I told Darry I'd stop hanging around here to set a good example for Pony a few months ago—neither of us want him here ever so it wasn't that hard to agree to—and for the most part, I make good on that promise. Pony doesn't know I drink sometimes. I told him I got high off life, and he believed it like it was fact. I intend to keep it that way as long as I can. Sure, I still come here every now and then when Steve talks me into it, but I'd say I've been pretty damn good. I'm less wild now than when my folks were still alive.
Man, to think of all the times I lied about where I was makes me a little sick now, not to mention all the times Darry graciously covered for me. Our poor mother. If she'd known about half the shit I did then, she'd have gone postal, and now that she was dead, the guilt multiplied. I couldn't do anything without worrying she was watching me.
Now I ain't sure I believe in that church crap, but I'm damn sure my mother can see me; damn sure she's frowning on me not listening to Darry. Dad might be laughing. He only seemed to get mad if we weren't good to her when she was reprimanding us… I dared call her a name once then, and let's just say it didn't end well. I think that was the only time he ever laid a hand on me, maybe the only time he ever laid a hand on any of us, but for that, I deserved it. My mother was a saint.
"Soda, I think this is the longest you've ever been quiet," Steve says, handing me a beer.
I take it and frown. Being wild loses it thrill when you feel guilty. How can I rebel against Darry when my mother's probably smiting me up in heaven? I take a large gulp and pray that I'll forget about Mom watching me, but before I swallow it all, I notice Darry.
Shit.
I choke and some of the beer runs down my face.
"What's wrong with you?" Steve chuckles, and I jab his side and point to Darry.
Steve smirks. "Well, that's awful convenient."
Darry's sitting on one of the barstools, talking to Tim Shepard about something. I wonder what. What the hell's he paling around with Shepard for? I'm not supposed to be here anymore, but he can? What the hell's that about? I can't stick around to find out though… I gotta get out of here and fast.
"We gotta book it, Steve."
"Yeah, I'll say," he says, following me. "Thought he didn't like it here."
We nearly make it out, but my mother must've sent vibes to Darry to make him notice me, 'cause there he is right behind us.
I whip around and smile at him. "Hey, Darry!"
He doesn't smile back.
"Funny seein' you here," I add.
He doesn't say anything; he just grabs my arm and drags me outside with him.
Steve follows us and seems all too amused by the situation. I give him a nasty look. "Give us a minute alone," Darry barks at Steve.
When Steve's gone, Darry grabs ahold of both my shoulders and thrusts me against the side of Buck's. "I thought I told you you were grounded!" he yells.
Ponyboy doesn't know how lucky he is. I'm the real unlucky one in the family when it comes to having Darry as my guardian. We still beat on each other like we always have when we're annoyed with each other, but now he can ground me too 'cause there's a document that says he can.
"Uh, yeah, about that…" I begin, but he doesn't let me finish.
"Don't even think about arguing. You're gonna go straight home and we'll talk about this more later."
"Sure thing, Superman. Just one thing, can I take Steve with me?"
Darry glares at me and releases me from his grip. "Fine," he growls. "But if you dare leave that house again…" he trails off and looks flustered as hell he can't come up with a good enough threat. "Just don't find out."
"Yessir!" I salute him.
He rubs his forehead and opens his mouth like he wants to say something, and when he I can't, I realize how much of an ass I've been. The wall of guilt hits again and I can't stand it.
"Darry, I'm sorry," I say. "I'll go grab Steve and we'll head right on home, I promise. Maybe we'll even clean somethin'. I dunno!"
I hope to crack a smile outta him. It ain't like me and Steve will actually clean, but I'm doing my best to sound apologetic.
"Good," he says and turns around to walk inside.
xxxx
I check every room in the house twice, but Pony ain't home.
"He's a smart kid, Soda," Steve tells me, putting his hand on my shoulder. "Wherever he is, he's doin' okay."
"That's bullshit, Steve," I say, shoving him away. "And you always say he ain't street smart, so don't try to tell me otherwise just 'cause he's gone."
Steve glares at me but doesn't say anything. Man, if it were any other situation, he'd probably deck me.
"We can try lookin' for him again if you want," he offers a couple minutes later.
It's tempting to say yes, but he could be anywhere, and Darry told me to stay here. "Nah, we won't find him anyway."
The words don't slip off my tongue easy, but it's the truth.
It's awful hard to find somebody if they don't wanna be found. I hate to think it, but if he ain't home yet, that has to be why. It's the only possibility I can stomach over the others, so I repeat it to myself.
Over and over again.
xxxx
I wait for Darry.
The longer I wait, the madder I get.
Steve says I'm being ridiculous. Steve says he's sure he has his reasons, but I'm not sure. Darry knows better than to pull this coming home late crap when we're both worried about Pony, but apparently he doesn't, 'cause it's one in the morning when he staggers in.
I harp on him right away. "I don't wanna hear a damn word about what I did until you admit what you just did is irresponsible too!"
"Soda…" Steve says, but I ignore him.
"What the heck where ya doin' with Shepard, huh?" I demand, getting in his face. He's been drinking. I can smell it in his breath.
"You… you think you get to interrogate me after that crap you pulled? You think it's a joke when I ground ya?" His words slur and he tries to sound assertive. "'Cause I got news for you, little buddy, it ain't, an' … an' another thing.." He hiccups, still trying to conceal his drunkenness. "I don't need to explain myself. I'm the adult around here. You explain yourself to me!"
I don't answer. I'm too angry. I spring at him, but Steve grabs me and yanks me back before I can throw a punch.
"You're both out of your fuckin' minds," he grumbles. He shoves me back a few feet and approaches Darry. "Would it kill ya to tell us what you were doing with Tim Shepard? And you"—he turns and points his finger at me—"for Christ's sakes, pull your head out of your ass and get over the fact he grounded you."
"You were the one that asked me to go to Buck's."
"No shit, Soda. I'm well aware."
"And you thought it was funny!"
"It still is," he insists. "But you don't have to throw a goddamned tantrum about it. Jesus. "
He doesn't get it. It ain't about being grounded, it's about Darry being a hypocrite. He wants me to set a good example by not going to Buck's, and lo and behold, there he was. I glare at Steve. He returns the glare, and it's clear he has half a mind to pound my head in. "You're lucky he ain't a violent drunk," he says, nodding his head towards the bathroom.
I hear Darry puke and I start to feel like an ass again.
"Darry, you okay?" I ask, chasing after him.
"Fine," he mumbles. "Don't come in here."
xxxx
He emerges several minutes later and teeters up to me. "I'm sorry, little buddy." He throws his arms around me and squeezes so tight, it hurts. "I've been a lousy guardian, man, but that's gonna change."
"You're always been a good guardian, Darry," I tell him.
He shakes his head firmly. "No, I drove Ponyboy away," he says. "I love you both so much, and I messed up. I really did."
"Darry…"
"It's my fault, but I'mma fix it."
I sigh. "I know you will." He's still hugging me, and all I can think about is he just got done puking. This is disgusting.
I try to get over it and hug him back. I'd forgotten how emotional he gets when he drinks; that's when all the I love you's and things he never says sober come out. Not that I've seen him drunk often... The last time was a couple days after the funeral, I'd sworn I'd never see it again. He rarely has more than one beer at a time if that, so he must be damn worried to drink like this. It pains me to think about.
"You should get some sleep, Dar." I push him off me and guide him towards his room. He cooperates and follows me part of the way, but then he stops and lingers near his door.
"C'mon, Darry, you gotta go bed."
"I love you, ya know," he says, hugging me again. "And I'mma be a better brother. I promise."
"You're already a good brother," I tell him and nudge him towards the bed.
"Yeah, Superman," Steve chimes in from the living room. "You're a better brother than I am."
"Go to bed," I repeat. It's weird telling him what to do, but he's so tipsy right now, he needs it.
I watch as he staggers the rest of the way.
So much for that talk he told me we were gonna have later… So much for finding out what he was doing with Tim...
I shut the door behind me and try not to tear up. Steve's still here and he's seen the whole thing; he doesn't need to see my tears too.