AN: Merry Christmas to everyone! Here is chapter 4! Sorry it took me a bit to upload, but hopefully you'll enjoy it!.
I had worried all evening and had gotten almost no sleep. Thank God for makeup otherwise I would have had the worst dark circles ever. Toris would have totally fell for me then. Ya right. Anyway after agonizing for like a thousand years about what to wear I decided on one of my favorite outfits. I checked myself in the mirror and I looked so totally hot. This had to work. Who could turn me down in this? My jean shorts were tiny and tight and the pink and green striped socks I wore went up to my mid-thighs. My v-neck top fit perfectly and the pink matched my tennis shoes. Green hair clips held back my bangs. I grabbed my white jackets with hearts all over it- hey it was hot out but sometimes those class rooms got so totally cold! Anyway I looked totally awesome. No way Toris would turn me down looking this hot!
With my pony backpack and copy of One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich in my tow I headed for the bus feeling better than I had like... years. It was so flipping awesome. I strutted off the bus and to class. I had to get through two classes before Russian Literature, but I was so totally lost thinking about Toris that before I knew it I had to eat lunch. I didn't want to but I knew my stomach would like ruin my life later if I didn't. I ended up just getting a smoothie and sitting outside the Russian Literature room waiting for it to start. God Feliks you'll look totally pathetic if Toris finds out you got to class over an hour early. But okay like class didn't start until two o'clock so I totally had a reason to be waiting. Right?
So I just sat there and like drank my smoothie and totally got lost in more daydreams. The class that was before mine let out, but I still had about an hour left to wait. With a super heavy sigh I found the seat I had sat in Monday and settled in to wait. This was so totally boring. I threw my now empty smoothie cup in the trash and sat back down. Like what the hell. Why did I get here so totally early? I laid my head down on the desk and closed my eyes.
Something warm was on my shoulder. Mmm... That was nice. Until it started shaking me. Like leave me alone! I'm totally asleep and I really want to stay that way. The gentle shaking continued and I heard "Feliks... Feliks wake up..."
Such a totally nice voice... God I want to listen to it all the time... Wait... don't I like know that voice?... Toris!
My eyes flew open and I bolted upright. I totally sat up waaay too fast though, and I guess Toris had been like leaning over me or something because my head rammed into his chin. Ow. For both of us. Totally sucked.
"Oh my God Toris are you like okay? Holy shit I am so totally sorry!" I was sounding so smart I wanted to cry. God, the way I talk when I get nervous... He was rubbing his chin and tears were working their way out of his squinted eyes. But after a minute he opened his blue eyes and smiled at me. "I'm alright. Are you okay? I didn't mean to startle you but class is about to start..."
I looked around at the people who were now totally staring at us. I could feel myself get like the deepest blush ever and I looked back to Toris. "Thank you... I'm super sorry... For everything... Um... T-Toris?..." I had to ask him. I had to see him after class. I needed to talk to him and... well try to explain my totally stupid behavior.
He looked a little surprised but he sat down in the desk next to me. My heart was beating so hard it was totally all I could hear. "What is it? A-are you upset with me?..."
Why did he always think I was like mad at him or something? Seriously boy can you not tell I'm totally all over you? "No! No Toris I'm not like mad or anything. I just... I wanted to ask... are you like busy?... After class I mean... I wanted to talk and maybe like... I don't know like get something to drink... or something..." I couldn't look at him. My chest was totally hurting so much I thought I'd like be torn in half.
"I'd love to."
My heart stopped beating. Like right then and there I died. Okay not really but almost! I looked up at him and he was smiling that little smile. I blushed again and smiled too. "That's like totally great!" I totally spared more embarrassment by creepy Braginski and that damned scarf. This class was so totally boring but I needed a non-western humanity class. Besides, now that I knew I could see Toris I'd totally never drop this class. I'd like rather fail it. Which was totally possible. I sat there and tried to pay attention, but I was way too busy trying to stare at Toris without him noticing. It wasn't hard though, which made me a little mad. Like seriously Toris? You had better super love Russian literature or I will be so pissed at how much you're staring at Creepy Scarf Man. Like stare at me instead! I had to get his attention somehow. I laid my head down on my arms and kept staring at him. I guess I moved into his line of sight because he glanced down at me. I was so freaking scared he'd get mad at me for creeping on him but he just smiled at me. He was so totally beautiful. I wanted to kiss him sooo totally bad! He tilted his head to the side slightly like he was asking me something and I just smiled and shook my head a little. Toris looked a little confused but was still smiling. He looked back at me for a few seconds then turned to listen to Scarf Guy again. I totally stayed staring at him. Like I couldn't help it! If you had the most totally pretty hot man ever sitting next to you you'd stare too!
This class was so totally long. Who needs to sit there for an hour and a half and listen to some crazy Russian dude talk about dead guy's books? Not me. Even with having Toris to stare at I totally fell asleep. Next thing I knew that warm hand was back on my shoulder. Damn I could like get used to this. I wish it wasn't totally too early to ask him to spend the night in my bed. I wanted those hands waking me up in the morning. Okay like not like that! Perv. I slowly sat up and looked over to Toris.
"Do you always sleep in class?" He asked it with a bit of a smile in his voice and I totally melted again.
"Only when my professor is a creepy guy teaching a totally boring subject." I said standing up and stretching.
"I...I don't think he is creepy... He seems very nice and he's just... passionate about the subject." Damn Toris you had better not be blushing. I looked over to Scarf Demon and he was like totally watching us.
Screw this.
I pulled on my jacket and grabbed my bag. After swinging it onto my back I grabbed Toris' super soft hand and dragged him out of the room. Like I'm going to sit there and let him blush over Ruso Creep? Hell no.
Once we got into the hall Toris stuttered "F-Feliks... Is something wrong?" He sounded like upset almost. Shit. I let his hand go and turned to him. Was I blushing? Honey, I think my face was on fire. It totally just now sunk in what I had done. I had grabbed onto a guy who I totally wasn't friends with and dragged him out of the room like a jealous lover.
"I...I uh... I just wanted to make you like didn't totally skip out on..." On what? Our date? Was this like a date or something? I totally couldn't finish my sentence. I just stood there blushing like I'd just told him I loved him.
Toris seemed confused for a minute and then smiled like the cutest smile at me. "How could I? I'd... I'd really like to be your friend Feliks..." Okay like ouch. But it was totally early right? I mean... maybe he like just didn't feel right telling me anything else yet. Ya. That was totally it.
"That's totally awesome!" I had to choke something out and even though that like was not at all what I was going for it seemed to work. Toris smiled and I felt like I'd die. Totally normal interaction for us.
"So... do you like coffee? We could... uh..." My voice was failing and I was dizzy. Why the fuck was I dizzy? At least my guts weren't jumping on the 'let's kill Feliks' train. God my body sucks.
"I like tea more than coffee... but the shop in the library has both. W-would that be alright?" He asked sheepishly looking over at me.
Ug. Like honestly though Toris? How is the library coffee shop like romantic? Seriously boy there is something wrong with you if you think that. Maybe he totally doesn't like me... No. Francis is right. I have to try. Even if this like doesn't work out or anything. God I hope it does. I want that pretty boy...
"Duh, that's totally fine!" Wow Feliks. Way to like completely lie. What's with the 'duh?' Now he'll like totally think that you want to go there are the time. We walked awkwardly to the library and I was totally yelling at myself in my head the whole time. What the hell was I going to say? I like had to explain myself right? Shit. This totally sucks. Where is Francis when you need him? Actually no. Like totally no. If I asked Francis what to do right now he'd totally tell me to like straddle Toris or something and make out with him. I glanced over at Toris. Okay so that would totally have to happen at some point. His hands were so warm I like wondered what the rest of him was like...
Then I realized I was totally staring at his crotch. Probably with some sort of like lusty expression. Like what the hell Feliks? Did he catch me? With like the worst blush, even worse than the ones before, I looked up at his face. He was still totally looking ahead. Safe. Holy shit that totally scared me. I'd like really have to be more careful.
I faced forward again but totally kept watching him out of the corner of my eye. Ya. Like a totally creeper. But OMG like thank God I did because as soon as I looked away I saw him turn to look at me. Shit does this mean he could like see me staring at his junk? I totally hoped not. He seemed to be watching me the way I watched him. I couldn't tell if he was looking where I looked though. I'd be so totally happy if he was though!
We got to the library and found the coffee shop. Shit. I had to start talking again. Well like soon or something. Toris still hadn't said anything and I was so nervous I was totally fine with silence. Even though it was super awkward and totally weird. After I got my cappuccino and Toris got his tea we sat down. He chose the table but I was totally wanting a booth. They always seemed more private. Then I realized I totally wouldn't be able to sit next to him if we got a booth so the table was like totally fine. God I am such a total creeper. Only for Toris though. So I'm totally not the same as Braginski. Totally not. Right?
"So..." He started. I was still trying to figure out what the hell I'd say. "Did I... What... Um... So yesterday..." Ever time he stuttered out another word his blush got deeper and he got that much cuter.
"Ya... sorry about that... Um... I just... God Toris I was totally like mortified that I'd just like puked words all over you and then I realized how totally stupid I sounded and so I just had to get out of there and-" I suddenly stopped. I was like totally word puking again. Shit!
He looked shocked. He like totally sat there and stared at me for a minute. "You... you aren't very good with new people are you?..." Seriously Toris? Like how long did it take you to figure that one out?
"No, I'm not." I had finally calmed down and the words came out a totally normal pace.
"Honestly... neither am I. I get very nervous when I meet new people. Normally I can't even talk to them... I'm sure you've noticed..." I nodded, not willing to open my mouth. If I did something super dumb would pop out, and I'd look like a total idiot. Well like more of an idiot than I do now. "But when I met you... Well... This will sound very rude so please excuse me... But Feliks you were so much more shy than I was, that you were the first person I could talk to normally when I met them..."
I was stunned. Did he just like... compliment me almost? Or at least say I was like special or something? I guess my shocked state worried him or something because he totally started spluttering.
"I-I'm so sorry Feliks! I didn't mean anything rude by it! Please... please forgive me..."
"Damn boy, like seriously calm down. Like why do you always think I'm mad at you? I was like just totally happy you sorta called me special." I needed medication for this condition. Word vomit was becoming more of a problem than my IBS was. And that was like a fucking huge one. Trust me babe.
We sat shocked for a minute, both totally surprised by what I had said. I just had to blurt out that I thought he meant I was special didn't I... Fuck...
Luckily though Toris started to smile. Then he started to laugh. God, that boy was cute. I like couldn't help it and I started laughing too. I think we were both so totally nervous that once we started laughing we couldn't stop. All my nervous energy was slowly leaving and we kept laughing like complete idiots.
Maybe that's what we were.
"I'm sorry Feliks. You just catch me off guard so easily. You really are funny. I'm glad I met you. Could we..." Date? Make out? Please say something like that! "See each other more? I mean to hang out or something?" Damn. The friend thing again? Okay that's fine Feliks. It's totally just a stepping stone. Right?...
"I like love that!" I smiled, but it hurt. Like a lot. Sure, it was too soon for him to ask the tranny gay kid out. I just totally hoped he wasn't straight. I think I'll actually start praying to God for that very thing. Ya right. Like God would give me a gay boy if I pray for it.
"So... what is your major? Wait... actually what is your full name? We never said those... I'm Toris Laurinaitis."
"Feliks Łukasiewicz. Where did your name come from?"
He blushed slightly. "I'm Lithuanian. I was born here in America, but my parents were born there. They moved to be closer to my mother's sister. She got sick... with cancer that is, and so they moved here to help her and her family. She died when I was young though... so I didn't know her very well. I'm still very close with my uncle and cousins." He had talked slowly and quietly through the whole thing. I was totally shocked he'd be telling me stuff like that. I totally wanted to know everything about him, but like seriously though? Wasn't that totally personal shit?
Then it hit me. Did he want me to know personal stuff about him? I smiled a huge smile.
Lucky me he had just looked up at me to see my reaction, and there I was grinning like an ass. Shit and he had just told me a sad story. He looked totally hurt.
"Shit Toris I'm not smiling because your Aunt died. I just... Oh God Toris I'm so totally sorry! I was just thinking that that was like totally personal and it made me super happy that you wanted to tell me..." Toris' eyes widened for a minute and then he smiled slightly.
"...You know Feliks every other minute we're offending each other or worrying we have... Just explain yourself normally and I'll understand. But... don't smile after sad stories. You'll get yourself into trouble." Oh shit. Toris was teasing me! I think... I hope!
"I get into plenty without doing that." I grinned at him and leaned forward slightly. Opps. Okay Feliks not too much flirting. I was like getting more relaxed the longer I was with him. After a second I let my smile fall. "But I really am super sorry about your Aunt. That had to have been totally hard for your parents."
He nodded slowly. "It was, especially for my mother... Where is your name from?" He blushed slightly and I could have kissed him for trying to have a normal conversation again. Man could I have kissed him... Okay not the time to daydream.
"It's Polish. My great-grandparents came from Poland, but somehow everyone ended up marrying more Polish people. So my family has been here a while but I am from one hundred percent Polish heritage." I was proud of that fact and liked to tell people about it. Talking about my family though... that was something I hated talking about...
"That's amazing. Do you have any siblings? I don't, but my cousins seem like my brothers. There is Eduard and Raivis. Eduard is still in high school and Raivis is in middle school. We all get along though, and I think they really like having my mom around."
I squirmed in my seat a little and pulled on my hair. "Um... No I don't have any siblings... or any other family..." His eyes widened and his voice got quiet.
"I'm sorry... Did... Did they... pass away?" Okay Toris I like totally want to get to know you but do I have to like tell you all of my shitty history right now?
"No. No my parents are still alive. We don't talk though. They send me money for school and that's it. That's all." I sighed and just forced the words out. He had like asked and he'd totally find out eventually. So now is better. Right?...
"O-Oh... I'm... I'm sorry... I didn't realize..." I looked up at him and smiled.
"You're so totally cute Toris. Why are you sorry? You didn't know." He blushed. Like totally full face blushed. Opps. I'd like just called him cute! Shit!
"S-still... Um... Uh... What... What is your favorite color?" Toris squirmed a little but didn't say anything. He was totally still talking to me. Good sign right?
"Pink. You?"
"Green..." Because of your eyes. Ya right. Like Toris would say that to me. But damn I wish he would... We talked for a little while longer about random little things. I told him how much I loved ponies and he giggled at me for it. He said he was a European History major and now I understood a little more why he listened in Russian Literature. A little more... okay not much but still! He was a little surprised by my major, and seemed a little flustered. Everyone assumes all gender studies majors are angry lesbians. It's so totally stupid. After about an hour he looked at his watch and gave me a totally adorable apologetic look.
"I'm so sorry but I need to get home soon. I have quite a bit of reading to do tonight."
"That's totally fine! I... um... I'll see you next week for class?" I looked at my empty cup for a minute. I had wanted to make him do something with me like tomorrow, but that totally was like the worst idea ever. I would sooo scare him off.
"I'll see you Monday. And... try to stay awake next time." He smiled his adorable little smile at me and then left.
The day had been totally awesome, but for some reason my chest was starting to hurt in the way that I knew meant something bad.
Once I made it home I thought it would stop. I'd like get to eat dinner and send Francis an email. It'd totally be fine right? But it was still there and my skin was starting to crawl. This wasn't good. Francis wasn't online. I mean it was totally like late in France, but I needed to talk to someone. I didn't have anyone but Francis...well I was getting to know Toris but I totally couldn't call him. For sooo many reasons. And I totally didn't have his number... I tried to make dinner, but I didn't want to eat like at all. So I thought I'd read. I didn't want to do that either. I didn't want to look at anything online. I didn't want to do anything and damn it all my skin was still crawling and my stomach was starting to ache. It was a special ache and there was no medicine I could take for it. Well nothing over the counter anyway, and no way in hell was I going to a shrink. My parents would be like all over that if they thought I was crazy or something. Then they might try to 'fix' me and who knew what the hell that all included. Probably the dresses would be 'fixed' and so would my offensive gayness. Ya right. Fuck off.
A bath. I'd take a bath. Or would I? I didn't want to take off my clothes. I just... What did I want? I was getting nervous and felt about ready to cry. I got like this sometimes. I never knew exactly why but it always totally sucked. Something stupid and random would set me off and I'd have to fight like hell to get out of it. My closet. I'd get in my closet. I rushed to my room and curled up in the back leaving the door open a little. Ever since I was little when I got scared or super upset I'd hide in my closet. It makes for so many terrible puns though I've never told anyone. Not even Francis. I held my knees to my chest and breathed. It would stop soon and I'd feel better. But instead I started to cry and the pain in my chest got worse. It hurt so much and there was no way to get rid of it. Seriously. I had tried everything: exercise, eating right, getting sleep, getting sun, talking to people- okay that one was totally the most difficult but still! No matter what I did these... spells would hit me and I'd just have to wait them out.
After a while, I don't really know how long, I was able to stop crying and I calmed down. My brain stop freaking out and I slowly got up. My chest felt better and even though my eyes and head hurt sooo badly, I could tell it was alright for me to move. Sometimes if I get up to early it starts all over... Fuck everything. Seriously. I had even gotten to see Toris today and he had smiled at me like all the time. I had grabbed his hand. Why had this happened again? I didn't want to think about it. I gave up and wrote Francis an email- I totally left out what happened when I got home though. There was seriously no reason to worry him and he'd be like all on my case and worrying and shit. I didn't need or want that right now. So I wrote my email sounding happy and then decided on a bath. With like the heaviest sigh ever I ran the water and slowly got out of my clothing. I put my hair in pigtails on the top of my head and looked at myself in the mirror. Okay I looked so totally stupid with my hair like that but I didn't want it to get wet or anything. Finally the water was the right temperature and I got in. God, sometimes I just totally wanted to stay in the bath. Or in my bed. Okay bed totally won out. Especially when I had my electric blanket. I was in like love with that thing.
Oh God that bath felt so totally good. My muscles were aching from how I had been sitting in my closet and my like total panic session. The more I thought about it... It probably happened because I hate coming home. Especially after a totally awesome day. My apartment is so empty. Being in it just totally reminds me how alone I am. With a sigh I laid my head back and closed my eyes. Tomorrow would be better. Right? I mean I could like see Toris and stuff again. But would that be moving totally to fast? Shit. This is why I need to suck it up and go out to buy more bubble bath. That stuff is awesome at making me less tense. Like totally even better than a regular bath. I love that stuff. So totally much.
It was a little early to go to bed but I was completely exhausted and just wanted to forget everything right then. After getting out of the bathtub I dried off and started getting ready for bed. I stared at myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. Yes, I did look so totally stupid with my hair like that. Oh well. No one would ever see it.
And that's when a mental image of Toris in the bathtub with me hit me. After choking for like a whole minute on my toothpaste, and trying not to totally die, I was able to swallow some water. Okay so that would be so unbelievably awesome, but would probably also never happen.
Besides even if we ever did get that close Toris probably hates baths. Knowing my luck. I took my hair out of the ponytails and combed it. I wish it would hurry up and get like hella long. It grew so totally slowly it was driving me crazy. Finally I crawled into my bed and set my alarm for eight o'clock. My classes this semester weren't too early but it still like sucked having to wake up to an alarm.
AN: Thank you so much for reading! Please please please review and let me know what you think! I will love you forever! : )