How To Breed A Chocobo: A Chocobo Handler's Guide
A young boy wearing farmer's clothing is seen tilling the soil in a large farm out in the Grasslands Area of the Eastern Continent. He wipes his brow and notices you, the reader, reading this fic. He smiles as he sets down his tools and turns his attention toward you.
"Why hello there! ay'm Choco Billy, ayn' this here is my family's Chocobo farm! My task today is ta teach y'all how ta breed ayy Chocobo! My special guest today is an experienced young man named Cloud, who already has ayy leg-up on tha process with him a-havin' done caught ayn' raced one in tha past! Say hello ta tha audience, will y'all?" Choco Billy says, signalling our spiky-haired hero.
The camera pans around the farm until it located our hero Cloud Strife, looking very disgruntled as he leans against the side of a barn. He notices the camera and immediately yelps in distress. Not wanting to be a part of any more of these crazy tutorials, Cloud tries to flee the scene, dodging and evading the camera as it attempts to keep up with him. His swift exit is cut short though…
WHAM!
…as he collides into a tractor parked in the back of the farm.
After he wakes up from being unconscious for several hours, Cloud finds himself within the large barn. Next to him is Choco Billy and Cloud's yellow Chocobo, the same mischievous bird Cloud has dealt with this entire series.
"Oh good, y'all're finally awake! Now we can get on with tha demostrashun on how ta 'Breed A Chocobo!'" Choco Billy proclaims with much enthusiasm. Cloud on the other hand started to weep with frustration.
First Rule: Your Chocobo Must Be Healthy and in Top Form!
"Before any breeding is ta take playe, y'all must make sure that there y'all's Chocobo is in tip-top shape! Lucky fowr y'all, tha reader, Cloud here has already taken tha tahm ta build up his trust steed, so there is no need-ta dwell on this here step!" Choco Billy states with much approval.
Cloud only gives the audience a half-smile, relieved he doesn't have to do any prep for this demo, but at the same time he is annoyed as he is having flashbacks of the mess he went through in the last two chapters.
Second Rule: Your Chocobo Must Be Fed Right In Order To Reproduce with the Best Results!
"Chocobo are unlike humans, in that there they need-ta be done fed speciaal 'Nuts' ta prahm them fowr a-producin' offspring," Choco Billy states.
Reaching into his wallet, Cloud pulls out a dollar to buy the cheapest nut he could buy. His Chocobo responds by pecking Cloud in the head in disapproval of the notion. Cloud then pulls out ten dollars, prompting his Chocobo to peck him in the head again. Finally, and hesitantly, Cloud pulls out his Shinra Credit Card, which was snagged by Choco Billy immediately.
"This will do! Here y'all go, tha best nut money can buy! I'll send y'all tha bill fowr $50,000,000 dollars in tha mail," Choco Billy responds, handing Cloud the most expensive piece of feed on the planet. Cloud's Chocobo looked very excited, while Cloud just glares at them both.
Third Rule: Your Chocobo Must Find A Suitable Mate and then Bam, Instant Babies!
"The final step is ta find ayy suitable mate fowr y'all's chocobo! Fear nahwt though, as ay have already bred tha perfect female Chocobo fowr y'all! Now y'all just need-ta teach them how ta get intimate with one another and produce babies!" Choco Billy says to Cloud.
Cloud stares back at the kid with a look that says "You've got to be shitting me…".
Having no choice in the manner, Choco Billy prepares a stage play for the male and female Choco-pair to watch to learn how to mate with one another. On stage steps out Cloud wearing his drag outfit from the Sector 6 Wall Market, complete with wig, dress, and the laced panties. Representing the male on stage was Don Corneo, dressed in his pimp outfit.
Both male and female Chocobo sit and watch, while eating popcorn, as Cloud and Don Corneo awkwardly demonstrate the mating process (I'll leave the imagery up to you).
The next morning, Choco Billy, Cloud, along with Joe, and the Chocobo Sage return to the barn to find both Chocobos with their newborn baby, a healthy gold Chocobo.
"And there y'all have it! Isn't tha baby adawable? This here concludes today's demonstration on how ta breed ayy Chocobo, ayn' tha conclusion av this here overall trilogy! Hope y'all done enjoyed reading!" Choco Billy says to the readers with much glee.
Cloud turns to everyone and gives them the middle finger before storming off to leave this fic.
FIN
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