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NOT LIKE THIS
Chapter 4
"You okay, Seph?" Zack asked as they negotiated the dark ramps, walkways and platforms, assisted by their mako-enhanced eyes.
The mission file had included a map, and Sephiroth held it, though he hadn't looked at it once. He was walking with a more urgent stride than usual, and the distraction in his expression had become, if anything, more pronounced. Even his eyes seemed strange, more green than silver in this lack of light.
"I am fine."
As with stubborn little Cloud, an insistence on being okay meant nothing from Sephiroth. For someone who had such trouble reading faces, his own betrayed him much more than he probably realized - maybe because he showed emotion so rarely, it was all the more noticeable when he did. Zack realized the general had seemed preoccupied since meeting Cloud, and wondered if Cloud had something to do with this. But how?
It was not Sephiroth's way to show much interest in other people, certainly not subordinates. Zack himself was, so far as he knew, the sole exception to this rule. Zack's mentor Angeal had been one of the first 1st Class SOLDIERs, one of Sephiroth's few friends, and after Angeal's death, Sephiroth had taken an interest in Zack, helped him work his way to 1st Class. Zack suspected Sephiroth had done this at Angeal's request, out of a sense of duty, but he had no doubt about the genuine friendship they had developed. Sephiroth could be intending to look out for Cloud the same way, but that answer didn't seem right. Cloud already had Zack, after all. How much protection could the boy possibly need, even if he was too adorable and endearing for his own good?
"Have you been here before, Seph? You sure know your way around."
"All the reactors built by ShinRa have similar layouts," Sephiroth said vaguely. "I toured the Midgar reactor six years ago."
"Sometimes I think you're not quite human," Zack chuckled.
The general didn't answer, merely frowning as he led the way. The source of the voice was near...they entered a large room with stairs that led to levels of specimen containers, and the calling ceased. There was no need for it now, he could feel that she was here, whoever she was.
The SOLDIERs climbed the stairs to the first level and moved to stand in front of the nearest container. Sephiroth peered in through the small window and felt a dull mingling of disgust and anger. Hojo's work, no doubt, one of the more sinister kinds that even Sephiroth didn't now much about.
"What is it, sir?"
"Look."
Zack did, and staggered back so suddenly that he fell. He got to his feet, looking back and forth between Sephiroth and the container with an open mouth.
"What the hell is that?" He gestured to the other containers, feeling sure they were all the same. "What are they?"
"Hojo's failures."
"What?"
"Your body contains mako, but you are still a normal human," Sephiroth said quietly, looking at the metal door between them and the hideous, humanoid monster. "Those are what happens when the body is exposed to more mako than it can handle. Cellular structure is warped beyond recognition. Brain function is reduced to its most primal level."
"Mako did this? The same stuff you and I get every week?"
Again, Sephiroth made no response, this time because a forgotten memory surfaced.
Hojo knew Sephiroth's abilities better than anyone, but when sufficiently distracted, he sometimes forgot, and Ganzei was good at distracting him. He had been preparing the injections for SOLDIERs who would be coming in shortly, and Ganzei was shadowing his every move, wringing his hands as he whispered heatedly. Sephiroth was on the other side of the lab, reading a book on swordfighting techniques by his instructor Anzaru, and listening to the doctors argue.
"We've had this discussion before, Ganzei. I don't know what you're getting so worked up about."
"How can you do this so casually? Don't you remember the failures? Just because you've hidden them away doesn't mean they don't exist."
"Success is built on past failures," Hojo snapped. "Without those earlier specimens, we would not know the result of excessive exposure. I've decreased the dose, as you well know. It will not happen again."
"But you don't know!" Ganzei said desperately. "Why is the wonder of life as it is never enough for you? Why this obsession with making people different?"
"You have no ambition, no willingness to make sacrifices." Hojo turned his head haughtily as he filled the syringes. "That's why you've always been a second-rate scientist. My work will make mankind into a race of gods. What are a few deaths along the way?"
Ganzei stared at his associate sadly. His kind face - grandfatherly with a shaggy gray beard that matched his hair - was careworn with years of disappointment.
"You're mad. I don't why I ever helped you."
"Because you've seen what I'm capable of, you've seen the results! You can't deny the progress of the current subjects. Of course it is more effective to begin the treatments much younger, we know that, but I must take what opportunities present themselves."
"If it was only the mako, Hojo, I would understand. But the other - "
"The other element, heh." Hojo laughed. "It strengthens and improves the body beyond what mako alone is capable of. I've heard your objections before. Don't you see we will learn more about its origin this way than you ever could by chasing legends?"
"You care more for your own greed and curiosity than you do for the lives you damage," Ganzei said miserably. "I could never urge you from this ill-conceived path. What did I do wrong?"
"I don't force you to stay here."
"I stay only for his sake. I care for him, even if you don't."
"Seph!"
Sephiroth met Zack's worried stare slowly, as though awakening from a puzzling dream. For a few seconds, he looked at his closest friend like he didn't recognize him; then Sephiroth nodded and awkwardly patted Zack's shoulder, a clumsy attempt at reassurance the general had learned from observation.
"I didn't mean to alarm you. I was thinking."
Zack didn't look entirely convinced. "You think these are the monsters the reports mentioned, or something like them?"
"Perhaps." Sephiroth's sharp eyes, flashing back and forth between green and silver, surveyed the rows of imprisoned specimens. "There seem to be a few empty, but these all appear to be locked."
"There's one more up at the top..." Zack sprang up the steps two at a time, and Sephiroth followed slowly, trying to examine the pull he was feeling in this very direction.
Come. Come. Come. My son...
"Uh, Seph?"
Zack's voice sounded dry and shaky...frightened? These abandoned monsters were a disturbing sight, true, but Zack was a 1st Class SOLDIER, both one of the best and one of the youngest. What sight here could so unnerve the courageous fighter?
Sephiroth stepped past him to face the cylindrical tank set apart from the others, and leaned in close to the small window. Through the watery green of a mako solution, he saw a tall figure floating languidly, a female with long, whitish hair. In a single glance she gave the impression of both beauty and power, and there was something cold about her that had nothing to do with death. Her features were familiar, though it wasn't clear from where.
My son...
Almost unwillingly, Sephiroth raised his eyes to the letters wrought in metal just above the specimen's tank. They were, irrevocably, undeniably, J-E-N-O-V-A. Jenova.
"Seph...didn't you say...your mother's name..."
Sephiroth looked back at the lifeless face, seeing now how its features resembled his own, how the hair - in all but color - was very like his. My son, the voice whispered again, coming from this beautiful dead thing somehow, and Sephiroth's mind struggled to examine all the pieces that formed this emerging answer.
"Doctor, am I...different?"
"Her name was Jenova. She died just after you were born."
"Why this obsession with making people different?"
"Of course it is more effective to begin the treatments much younger, we know that..."
"If it was only the mako - "
"The other element - "
"My son..."
"You're like an alien in a man costume."
"I never had a hometown..."
"My work will make mankind into a race of gods."
"My mother was Jenova."
Mother?
Sephiroth's hands clutched his head and he staggered back, shaking his head slowly, his whole body twisting with the motion. Zack came close and hovered anxiously, but he was afraid to touch or speak. He had never seen Sephiroth distraught; it was as bad as Sephiroth angry. Worse.
"I always knew I wasn't like the others as a child," the general whispered. "That I was different, somehow. But...not like this."
"Seph, it's just a name," Zack said, struggling to find the right words. "Hojo could have lied. I mean, this...thing...isn't human."
"Am I, Zack?"
"You're...you're different. But - "
My son...
" - let's just not assume anything yet. Ask Hojo when we get back, tell him you've seen this and get the truth out of him."
Sephiroth nodded slowly, to Zack's obvious relief. "I believe we are finished here, Lieutenant. We return to the village."
The party returned to Nibelheim silently, though Tifa looked like she wanted to ask a million or so questions and Zack was watching Sephiroth with uneasy concern. Cloud sensed the general's tension and wasn't fooled by Zack's reassuring smile, or the way he stayed close to him as they walked. Cloud resolved to ask Zack what was up the second he could get him alone.
As it turned out, that wasn't difficult to do. As soon as they re-entered the vilage, Sephiroth dismissed Tifa (who stomped off in a huff) and told Zack and Cloud they were on stand-by until further notice; basically off-duty, but required to stay in Nibelheim and be ready for anything. Zack tried to say something, but Sephiroth interrupted, saying that he would be in the ShinRa Mansion and did not wish to be disturbed unless there was an emergency. As he stalked off, Zack turned to Cloud and again tried the reassuring smile.
"Zack, what's going on?" Tifa was nowhere in sight, so Cloud cautiously removed his helmet. "Is the general all right?"
"I'm not really sure, Spiky," Zack sighed. "Let me think about it awhile and we'll talk about it tonight. In the meantime, you promised to introduce me to your mom."
Cloud, who had been afraid he'd be made to talk about Private Jansen, agreed with little protest. Mrs. Strife tried hard not to embarass her son when they arrived, but she didn't stop hugging Cloud until he turned red and tried to hide behind Zack. She pulled them into the house and immediately began an attempt to force-feed them enough tea and cookies for the entire population of Midgar. Zack liked her immediately and could easily see why Cloud was so sweet and sensitive, having been brought up in this warm, cheerful house, by a loving mother who reminded Zack of his own.
Mrs. Strife scolded Cloud gently for hiding from Tifa, but not long enough for Zack to find out why he was doing it. She wanted to know everything Cloud had been busy with, but the boy seemed reticent to say much even to his own mother, so Zack jumped in.
"I've been helping Spiky with his sword-work. He's a natural, and he works hard at it. He even impressed General Sephiroth."
Her mouth fell open in amazement, and she hurried across the kitchen to stand by her son, who was averting his eyes. "Sweetheart, that's wonderful! That's his hero, you know, Zack, even when he was shorter than this chair, it was always Sephiroth this and Sephiroth that. It was the cutest thing, the way he'd run around waving a stick and pretending he was fighting alongside Sephiroth."
"Mom," Cloud groaned.
Zack grinned. "Nothing wrong with being adorable. Has his hair always been spiky like this?"
"Oh, yes, ever since it began to grow. It's gotten a bit long, but I always quite liked it." Mrs. Strife patted Zack's cheek. "Spikes are quite becoming on you too, dear. With such handsome men in ShinRa," she chuckled gently, "I wonder if my Cloud will end up bringing me a son-in-law instead of a daughter."
Cloud groaned again and hid his face in his hands. Zack was having a wonderful time and, while Cloud recovered his dignity, happily chatted with Mrs. Strife about the life of a SOLDIER and the life of a ShinRa Guard, trying to make both sound a bit less difficult and dangerous than they were.
Over dinner, Cloud finally relaxed enough to talk, and assured his mother that he was eating, getting enough rest and not pushing himself too hard. She seemed concerned that Cloud wasn't friendly with many other Guards, but she smiled at Zack and expressed relief that her son had at least one good friend looking out for him. Cloud turned slightly pink, but said sincerely that Zack was the best thing that had happened to him since joining ShinRa, which he immediately regretted, because Zack's reaction to this was to hug Cloud so hard that he nearly pulled the boy out of the chair and into his lap.
When it was time to leave, Zack offered to let Cloud spend the night at home, but Cloud insisted on staying with his superior officers. Mrs. Strife kissed him and made him promise to try to come back before leaving the village, and she hugged Zack warmly and told him he was welcome any time.
"Your mom's great, Spiky," Zack said as they walked the short distance to the inn.
Cloud smiled. "Yeah. You're gona have to come visit again, or I'll never hear the end of it. She really likes you."
"I'd love to. Next time I get a mission near Gongaga, I can take you to meet my parents. I talk about you in my letters, so they're curious."
"...really? What do you say?"
"That I finally got the little brother I always wanted. That you're gonna be disarming me easily in another year or two." Zack grinned crazily, and grabbed Cloud into a headlock. "That you're my Spiky. Mine! Everyone else has to get their own!"
"You're insane," Cloud muttered, struggling free, but he was smiling.
When they reached the Nibelheim Inn, Zack had become more subdued and thoughtful, as worried as he had previously been cheerful. He followed Cloud into the bedroom and tried to pack up and hide away Private Jansen's things without Cloud noticing; he wasn't very successful. Everything relaxed and peaceful fell away from the boy's face, leaving behind a miserable expression and the beginnings of tears.
"Oh, Spiky, no. Listen to me, and believe me, because I have a lot more field experience than you. There was nothing we could have done."
"If I had reached for him - "
"He wasn't close enough."
"If I had said something - "
"There wasn't time."
"If I had gone back for him - "
"You'd have fallen too," Zack said quietly, "and I would be devastated."
He sat down next to Cloud on the latter's bed and held him, wordlessly encouraging Cloud to let himself cry. Cloud tried to hold back, telling himself that he was being childish, but Private Jansen's face kept floating to the front of his thoughts, and it was too much. He had hardly know Private Jansen - Kyle - but he had always been friendly to Cloud, even defended him from the taunts and harassment of the other Guards. Jansen had been a good fighter, and yet he had not died from battle but from ill fortune.
"His parents will have to be told," Cloud said dully, wiping his eyes.
"They will be. Want me to stay in here with you tonight?"
"No, I'm okay. Really. Besides..."
"Besides?"
Cloud shook his head.
"C'mon, Spiky," Zack urged him. "Tell me what you're thinking."
"That...that if the general comes back tonight," Cloud said quietly, "he'll need you more than I do."
The voice had softened and faded in Sephiroth's mind as the distance between himself and the reactor grew, and now it was almost gone, inaudible unless he looked for it.
Having frequented the same handful of places his entire twenty-four years of life, Sephiroth had observed that as he grew bigger, those places inevitably began to seem smaller. There were shelves in Hojo's laboratory he'd once been unable to reach, and now bent down to access. Hojo himself, once a giant, was now half a head shorter.
And Ganzei...I would tower over Ganzei.
The ShinRa Mansion seemed to be an exception to this rule of perception. It lookd exactly the same as it did a decade ago, as mysterious and brooding as it had ever been. And still, though the mansion was a closet compared to the ShinRa Compound, it seemed immense, like it was too big to ever give up all of its secrets. It was unpleasant, to feel so small, but Sephiroth found himself drawn further inside, navigating the rooms and corridors with his inhuman memory.
There were answers here, there had to be. Sephiroth was trying to believe Zack and think that Hojo must have lied about his mother's name, but why? What did the doctor gain by such a lie? And if that creature in the specimen tank had no connection to Sephiroth, why was he drawn to it? Why was he so certain the voice belonged to it, to her?
He found his way to the study easily, and the adjoining library where he'd once devoured books at a speed that made Hojo laugh with delight. He could almost see his younger self among the shelves, the strange child with an angelic face and cold steel eyes, almost hear Ganzei encouraging him and making recommendations.
Ganzei loved me, Sephiroth was surprised to realize. It should have been obvious years ago, but it was a revelation. Why did he care for me? The other doctors and assistants were afraid, Hojo felt nothing, I think...so why did Ganzei...
The general shook his head. He was not here to reminisce, was he? He had come to look for information. Sephiroth selected a few books that seemed likely to be helpful and took a seat at the dusty desk.
The small stack of books and notebooks grew taller and taller as the night settled in and stretched on, and nothing of consequence was found. At last, in one of the volumes, Sephiroth found a mention of Jenova. It said only that she lived during the same period as the Cetra, but it was something...he was getting warmer...
The hours passed like minutes. The rooms were full of sunlight, then dim, as though night and day were fighting and neither could dominate the other for long. Feverishly, Sephiroth kept at the books, trying to fit the fragments he found together like puzzle pieces.
...the Cetra certainly had contact with the specimen known as Jenova, though it is uncertain whether she was a Cetra herself, an ally or an enemy...
...since the discovery of Jenova during the excavation of a 2,000-year-old geological stratum, her remains have been undergoing study at the hands of ShinRa's chief scientist, Dr. Eguchi Hojo...
...Dr. Hojo has thus far declined to comment about the progress of his study and what, if anything, he has learned from the Jenova specimen. However, the eminent scientist and researcher Dr. Eguchi Ganzei has expressed an opinion that Jenova may have been purposely sealed in rock, either by the Cetra or the race that rose to replace the Cetra after their sudden and mysterious extinction. Dr. Ganzei has not put forth any theory as to why this might have been done.
The same name, Sephiroth thought, surprised. Hojo and Ganzei had the same first name. A coincidence, no more. That isn't important. Mother...Mother must have been a Cetra, and I inherited their power through her. It must be, that is why I'm different.
This answer was an uneasy one; it felt full of holes. But it explained so much. Jenova had given birth to him, but she lived, for how else could she be calling to him? But if she lived still, she must have been alive when the usurpers of the Cetra imprisoned her in rock and left her in the planet...and then they destroyed the Ancients, her people.
My people, our people, Sephiroth thought furiously. His head felt like it was on fire. Traitors...all of them are the descendants of traitors.
He picked up the book to move it onto the nearest pile, and as he did so a folded piece of paper fluttered out of it and landed on the desk. Sephiroth felt a strange and unpleasant fear of this harmless thing, but he opened it up and began to read, reluctantly.
Dr. Hojo,
As you wished, I have left ShinRa and can stand in your way no more, not that I was ever able to deter you from anything. I am writing to you from the ShinRa Mansion in Nibelheim, where I've spent so many happy hours, but I don't plan to stay long. I am a liability to you and your work, and every day I expect to be found by ShinRa and eliminated. I accept this; I failed you. These will be my last words to you, however, so please listen.
Like you, I became a scientist because I wanted to have some part, some power, in the miracles of life. As I grew older, I became humbled by the wonders I observed, and came to realize that I am only a very small being in a great world. This is as it should be. Science oversteps its bounds when it stops trying to understand and seeks to interfere. I was wrong to help you in the research and experiments that led to SOLDIER. I know you disdained the thought of living in my shadow, and so threw off my name and took your mother's, but if she were alive, the dishonor you have brought to it would be fatal to her. She was the kindest woman I ever knew, and so I must believe it was I who made you the monster you have become. For this, I am sorry.
I write to you now for Sephiroth's sake. I stayed with you so long for him, in the vain hope that you would come to see him as more than a specimen. I love him, and I fear what he will become at your hands. I can do no more now, except hope. I implore you to remember, my son, what the boy is to both of us.
Dr. Eguchi Ganzei
Sephiroth let the letter flutter to the floor. Ganzei's words had come too late to make any sense. Inside the general, a storm was raging, and he wasn't sure how long he could keep it contained, or whether he wanted to.
Sephiroth did not return to the Nibelheim Inn that night, or the next. Zack was worried, though he was doing his best not to show it. On the first day of the general's absence, late in the afternoon, he went to the mansion to see if everything was all right. He returned looking even more worried, reporting to Cloud that Sephiroth was researching something and had repeated his order not to be disturbed.
"Something's wrong, isn't it, Zack?"
"He's just like this sometimes. Don't worry."
Cloud had obviously not been sleeping well. Zack had been expecting this after the death of Private Jansen, and had resolved to keep Cloud occupied with more cheerful things. He made the boy give him a tour of the village and all the places that had meant something to him as a child - with both of them in uniform, so Cloud could keep his helmet on in case they encountered Tifa, or anyone who might tell Tifa about him. It was only in very secluded or private spots that Zack could convince Cloud to take it off, like on top of the water tower in the town square, which Zack had insisted they climb.
"Great view," Zack commented, ruffling the blond's hair. "This is a neat little town you've got here, Spiky."
Cloud looked uneasy, and shook his head when Zack tried to make him sit down.
"You're not scared of heights, are you?"
"No. Tifa and I came up here, just before I left. I promised her that, after I became a SOLDIER, I would rescue her if she was ever in trouble."
"What's going on with you and her?" Zack asked gently, edging closer. "Were you guys..."
"No."
"Did she not want to? Did you?"
"Nothing like that. We weren't close at all until just before I left."
"What, then?"
Cloud looked at his boots. Zack had thought Cloud's timid manner and shyness was the result of being harassed and propositioned so much by other members of the Guard...now he began to realize he'd been wrong. The reticence and lack of self-esteem he saw in Cloud was only the continuation of a problem that had always been.
"I wanted to impress her. I wanted the other kids to know that I would be stronger than them someday. So I told them I was gonna be a SOLDIER and serve under General Sephiroth."
"And you will!" Zack said firmly. "If anything is holding you back from that, Spiky, it's how little you believe in yourself."
"Maybe. But I don't want Tifa to know I haven't become a SOLDIER. I don't want her to know I - "
"Don't you dare say 'failed'," Zack said, almost angrily. He grabbed Cloud around the shoulders and pulled him close. "You listen to me - if anyone, anyone, ever calls you a failure, you show him you're not with all the skill you've got. Believe me, he'll change his mind."
"Thank you, Zack," Cloud said softly.
"C'mon, kiddo. I want to see if your mom's meatloaf is as good as you say it is."
The third night was quiet and peaceful as it settled in, as nights usually were in Nibelheim. Seeing how tired Cloud was, Zack had insisted they return to the inn and retire early. Again declining Zack's offer to stay with him, the blond changed out of his uniform and climbed into the bed nearest the window.
He was tired, and knew he needed to sleep. Even his instructors in the Guard had impressed that upon him; they always said a soldier should be able to sleep whenever he had a chance to, because you never know when you might have to go without rest. Cloud had gotten good at that. It was only for fear of last night's dream returning that he hesitated to close his eyes. He had expected to dream about Kyle and the death he hadn't been able to prevent, but the nightmare had been something else entirely. There had been too much death in it to represent a single loss, and whatever it meant, Cloud didn't think he wanted to know.
Exhaustion and habit prevailed, however, as they tend to do, and Cloud sank into an uneasy slumber.
To be continued!