Author's Notes:
CONVERSATION KEY
*When characters are speaking out loud, quotes will be used.
*When characters are signing with their hands, italics will be used. (Italics will be used in other places as well, i.e. to emphasize certain words/phrases. Please keep that in mind.)
*When characters are communicating via iPad or e-mail, bold will be used.
*Bella's conversations with others, signing and writing, will ALWAYS be encased in *stars*.
*Edward's conversations with Bella, signing and writing, will remain unmarked.
*Any other characters that sign in a chapter will have their conversations encased in {brackets}.
Thanks to azure0610 for acting as my spectacular beta and to aerobee82, JenEsme and b4bystar for pre-reading this little story for me. The lovely Nayarit from ADF created my beautiful banner!
You guys are the best!
All the usual disclaimers apply. This story is rated M for a reason.
Chapter 4: Always on My Mind
The funny thing about liking someone is you think about them.
All the fucking time.
That's how I knew I liked Bella. Since accidentally finding my way into her life four days ago, I thought about her all the time.
Bella's eyes.
Bella's brown eyes.
My fingers tripped up, creating a cacophony of noise in the practice room, and I was pretty sure Chopin just rolled over in his grave. I'd be busy digging my own grave if I didn't stop thinking about Bella and focus on Chopin's Polonaise #6 in A Flat. This was the second of two pieces I'd be performing in several weeks, and I must have been smoking crack when I elected to play it. The extremely fast scales and arpeggios, not to mention broken and wide fingered chords, were kicking my ass. It was a good thing I had Schubert all but wrapped up. I'd need to give Chopin my undivided attention if I didn't want to jeopardize my piano performance grade.
I glanced at my watch. It was half past eleven. Organic Chemistry had been cancelled this morning and I'd wandered over to the School of Music practice rooms to kill some time before finding Bella. I was much less anxious about approaching her today than I was on Wednesday, but I was still nervous. Now that the ice had been broken, I wondered what we would talk about. Would conversation flow naturally? Would it be awkward communicating primarily through an iPad? Did we have anything in common? I knew the only way to find answers to these questions was to sit down with Bella and try to have more than a five minute conversation with her. Unfortunately, that wasn't likely to happen in the few minutes we were afforded together before her class.
I was too distracted to practice, so I packed away my sheet music and headed across campus to the convenience store. I was grabbing a Coke from the refrigerator when Tanya appeared at my side.
"Hey," she smiled, and I could tell from the way her eyes darted about that she was slightly nervous. I assumed it had to do with what happened Monday night. Clearing my throat, I smiled down at her in greeting, doing my best to make her feel comfortable. I didn't want things to be awkward between us.
"Hey, Tanya. How's it going?"
"It's going good," she replied. "I was just over in the Marshall Center studying for finals. Thought I'd take a break and grab a snack." Tanya waved a bag of white cheddar popcorn by her side, indicating her intended purchase.
"Yeah, I'll be heading in that direction later tonight. It's crackdown time," I laughed.
"You're not going into Ybor City?" she wondered. "I think Rose and Emmett are thinking of going bar hopping."
"Nah," I shook my head. "Unlike them, I've got my priorities straight," I joked. Tanya laughed along with me, but it was somewhat forced. I was beginning to feel slightly uncomfortable myself when she spoke.
"Listen, Edward, about Monday night…"
I inwardly groaned. I didn't really want to talk about Monday night. Not because I was bothered by what happened but because some things were better left in the past. I tried to politely wave Tanya off, letting her know that everything was fine between us, but she interrupted me.
"Look, I know we agreed to forget about what happened, and I fully intend to do so. It's just… I've been thinking about it all week, and I'm kind of embarrassed. I wasn't really thinking straight, and I don't want you to think I'm that type of girl. I don't proposition guys like that, and believe me, it won't happen again. I like you Edward, I really do, but I understand you're not interested. I want that to be clear. I just wish Emmett and Rose would cool it with the matchmaking business," she laughed, trying to add a bit of levity to the situation. I laughed along with her, in the hopes she'd see that everything really was okay between us.
"They're definitely persistent," I agreed.
"Yeah…"
"But we're adults," I reminded her. "We make our own decisions."
"We do. I just really don't want there to be any awkwardness between us," she admitted. "Rose and Emmett – they spend a lot of time together. And I know how close you and Emmett are…" Tanya trailed off, and I stared at her for a moment before making up my mind whether or not to make my next move. I decided it was a friendly gesture, and I was hoping it would do the job of reassuring her that we were all right. So, I pulled her into a quick hug.
"There's no awkwardness here," I said as I hugged her lightly to me, and I was pretty sure she breathed a sigh of relief. We stepped back from our embrace then, and Tanya smiled up at me.
"So, are you heading home?" she asked, obviously trying to make casual conversation. I started walking towards the checkout area at the front of the store and she followed along.
"Meeting a friend, actually," I said without thinking. It was amazing how easily it rolled off my tongue. Bella already felt like a friend, even though I'd only known her for a matter of days. Thankfully, Tanya didn't press me for more information and after we each checked out, we waved goodbye before heading in opposite directions.
While walking to the College of Behavioral Sciences, I thought about Tanya. She really was a nice girl. I was glad she'd approached me in the convenience store. I hadn't really given Monday night much thought this past week, but if she was feeling awkward, I was glad she cleared the air. Undoubtedly, the four of us would all be going out again, and it was important to me that we all felt comfortable. Of course, our situation would be a lot less awkward if Emmett and Rose stopped trying to fix us up. I'd spoken to Emmett about that on Tuesday, and he agreed to leave it alone, but I had my doubts he would hold off for very long. For whatever reason, he was convinced Tanya and I were perfect for each other. But in my mind, there was only one woman I was interested in.
That woman was presently sitting on the same bench she'd occupied on Wednesday, only today, she was alone. I smiled when I saw her, stopping and taking a moment to study her from afar. She was so fucking gorgeous - particularly today, with a soft breeze blowing through her hair. Her hair was down, and I chuckled softly as she repeatedly brushed uncooperative strands from her face, blown there by the wind. Almost as if she sensed my presence, Bella suddenly looked up from her book. Her eyes scanned the horizon, and I imagined she was looking for me. I imagined she was wondering if I was coming to find her. She didn't see me, and moments later she looked down. I watched her for a little while longer before heading her way.
I approached Bella from the front this time, so there was no need to tap her on her shoulder. When I was standing five or so feet away, she looked up on her own. My breath hitched as she smiled at me, and if I wasn't mistaken, she looked relieved. I pondered that for a moment, wondering if maybe she'd doubted I would come. How could she doubt that? I was completely under her spell.
I waved hello as I took a seat beside her. Bella turned to face me and waved back. Then, having a trick or two up my sleeve, I surprised her by asking her how she was… in sign language. Bella smiled at me, clearly impressed. Very slowly, she spread apart the five fingers of her right hand and brought her thumb to the center of her chest.
*Fine… thank you.*
She pointed to me then, her brows arched high in question. I confidently answered her back.
Fine.
Unfortunately, that was it as far as my newly acquired sign language skills were concerned. I'd wanted to try and learn more, but the end of the semester was rapidly approaching and I had several finals to study for. Bella pulled her iPad from her backpack and started typing away.
*I'm impressed, Green Eyes. You've been studying.*
I knew she was referring to my use of sign language, and I shrugged my shoulders as if it were no big deal, even though the truth of the matter was I was basking in her praise.
"I may have picked up a thing or two," I said, making sure to look Bella directly in the eye.
Bella smirked.
*No need to be modest. You now know more sign language than ninety-nine percent of the population. Thank you for making the effort.*
Bella pushed the iPad back in my direction and I read her response. I stared at the words for a moment, pretty sure there was a deeper meaning to them I was somehow missing. Something lingered there, beneath the surface, but I wasn't quite sure what it was.
"I wanted to," I said, holding Bella's gaze and hoping she could see how sincere I was. I think she could, because she nodded in response before turning her attention back to her iPad.
*I believe you.*
I was glad Bella believed me. I wanted her to trust me and to understand that I wanted to get to know her on her terms. I wondered briefly if this was something new for her. I wondered how many people offered her a token hello before running in the opposite direction. It took effort to get to know someone like Bella, effort most people probably wouldn't make. Perhaps that was the look of relief I'd seen on her face only moments before. Relief that I'd actually made the effort. Of course, if she was relieved, it would imply that she wanted me to make the effort. I really hoped that was the case. I took her iPad from her then, a question suddenly popping into my head. She resisted, apparently preferring to read my lips instead, but I laid my flattened palm against the center of my chest and made several small, circular motions.
Please?
Bella seemed pleased with my use of yet another new sign and thus handed over the iPad.
I'm sorry. I can see that you prefer to read lips. I'm just not sure how this works. How much can I say at one time? How slowly do I need to speak? Do I need to use simple words? I don't mean to offend you. I'm not implying you're not intelligent because obviously, you are. I just want to try and get this right.
Bella peered at the screen from over my shoulder, reading as I typed. I heard her laugh softly when I asked about using simple words, but she didn't seem to be upset. Thank God for that. I really didn't want to offend her, but at the same time, I didn't understand how lip reading worked. It seemed awfully difficult to me. This morning, as an experiment of sorts, I'd turned on CNN and put the TV on mute. I watched the anchors closely as they delivered the news but fuck if I could understand a single word they said. Of course, Bella was a seasoned lip reader, but I did wonder exactly how much she could understand when I spoke to her.
*LOL… that's a lot of questions, but I'm flattered that you care enough to ask. The truth is, I probably only catch sixty to seventy percent of what you say. Even then, there are misunderstandings. For example, I routinely mix up words starting with "p" and "b". They look very similar to me. Speaking slowly helps, and enunciating does too. Simple thoughts are also easier to understand. I've been trained to watch for commonly used words and phrases.*
Trained? I frowned at her use of that word. For some reason or another, I didn't like the sound of it. Animals are trained, people are taught. I raised my brows in question, slowly enunciating my next question, just as she'd said to do.
"Trained?" I asked.
*Yes, trained. That's the best way of describing it. My teacher would reward me with candy when I got a word right.*
Bella laughed quietly beside me, but it was a humorless laugh, as if she were recalling an unpleasant that I'd upset her, I tugged the iPad in my direction, apologizing for my question.
*It's all right, Green Eyes. It's not your fault. It was a long time ago, and I have to say, my training comes in handy. It helps me to understand you…*
I looked up at Bella and she smiled shyly at me, and for the first time since meeting her, I had the urge to kiss her. The urge wasn't entirely unexpected. Bella was goddamn beautiful, and with each passing moment, I found myself liking her more and more. But I knew that I couldn't try to kiss her. Something told me this relationship we were forming was tenuous at best, and I'd have to take things slowly if I didn't want to scare her off. I got the distinct impression that I needed to earn Bella's trust, and I fully intended to do so.
"So, no iPad?" I asked, pulling it from her grasp and waving it in the air. Bella shrugged before grabbing it back and typing out her response.
*Use your judgment. Some thoughts are definitely better written down. But I will say this - I prefer to look at your face when we communicate and not at a computer screen.*
Fuck. I was an idiot. Of course she did. Hadn't I thought the very same thing the other day? I might not have a choice in the matter – I had no other means by which to communicate with Bella than through her iPad. But she did have a choice, and I wanted to do whatever made her happy.
"All right," I said, looking her straight in the eye. "I'll speak to you, but if there's something you don't understand, please tell me."
This was important to me. If we were really going to try to be friends, I didn't want there to be any unnecessary obstacles for us to have to overcome. I didn't want to have to sort through avoidable misunderstandings. Bella smiled widely at me in response, and then, instead of typing me a message, she did something that surprised me. She signed to me. Of course, if I understood her correctly, she only signed three words.
*I'll tell you.*
"I" and "you" were self-explanatory, and "tell" wasn't all that difficult to figure out; it was clear she was responding to my question. Still, it made me ridiculously happy to watch her hands and face and understand what she said. It also made me wonder if there would ever come a time when we wouldn't need an iPad to communicate.
The next several weeks found me meeting up with Bella before her Basic American Sign Language class. I wasn't sure if it was just a coincidence or if she asked him to stay away, but I hadn't seen her friend, the giant, since the day they were sitting together on the bench. I still didn't know who he was. Bella and I never talked about things like that. I never asked her about her friends or her family and she never asked me about mine. Instead, we chatted about things like school and outside interests. It was all very mundane, yet at the same time wholly significant. We were getting to know each other, a little bit at a time.
During this time, I found out that Bella was a second year grad student studying Communication Sciences & Disorders. Her area of concentration was deaf education, and once she graduated, she planned to utilize her degree by teaching the deaf in the public school system here in Tampa. I also discovered that Bella was twenty-three, which was only one year older than me. I liked that. She was focused and mature, and she seemed to have a pretty good idea of what she wanted to do with her life. I thought she was amazing, really. She explained to me that she used an interpreter for her lectures, but with that one exception, she did everything else on her own. She never let her disability stand in the way of achieving her dreams, and that really said a lot. According to her, only a small percentage of deaf people actually graduated from college with a four year degree and even fewer went on to earn advanced degrees.
One day before class, Bella asked me about my major. This was the first time there was any hint of awkwardness between the two of us. When Bella realized I was a double major, studying both music and medicine, she grew suddenly quiet. And if I wasn't mistaken, remorse briefly swept across her face. She looked away before I could be certain, but I realized then that I'd hit a nerve. Bella never looks away. For the rest of our time together that day, she barely managed to look me in the eye. We talked a little bit using her iPad, but I knew she wasn't really with me; her heart wasn't really in it. I didn't press her to share her feelings. It was pretty clear why she was upset, and I wasn't sure what I could say to make it better. The truth of the matter is she's deaf. She would never be able to hear music. Nothing I could say or do would ever change that.
One week later, my semester had officially come to an end. It was Friday morning, and I'd just taken my Organic Chemistry final. It went well. Actually, I was feeling pretty good about all my exams. I'd knocked my piano exam out of the park despite the fact I hadn't been able to think straight for the last several weeks. Bella was always on my mind these days, and that had posed a bit of a challenge as I tried to prepare for finals. But finals were over now, and I was happy to be standing in line at the Starbuck's located inside the library, waiting to pay for two coffees.
After paying, I exited the library and headed towards the spot I knew Bella would be waiting for me. I was excited about seeing her today. I had to miss our previous meeting due to a study group and today was the last day I would see her before the start of Christmas break. I was flying home to Chicago tomorrow, and Bella would be flying across the country to her home state of Washington in order to spend the holidays with her parents. It would be close to three weeks before I saw her again, and that thought upset me more than it probably should. We were just friends. In fact, the only time we spent together was the twenty or so minutes before her class, three days a week. So really, there wasn't any reason for me to be upset. There wasn't any reason… but still, I was. I tried very hard to push those thoughts aside and put on a happy face as I approached her. Luckily, it wasn't all that hard to do. She had me grinning like a stupid fool the moment she looked up and caught my eye.
*Edward.*
She signed my name by forming the letter "e" with her right hand and shaking it gently back and forth in front of her. She'd only recently started doing this, and I wondered if she had taken it upon herself to assign me an official sign name. If she had, I wasn't sure what I thought about the chosen gesture. It seemed so… uninspired. I'd learned that Bella's sign name, assigned by her parents when she was a toddler, was actually the letter "b", formed in the shape of a rainbow. She was the multi-colored light of her parent's lives, she joked. I wanted to ask her what the meaning behind my name was, but I didn't have the courage. I was afraid of what she might say. Nice guy, funny friend… all of those would have been flattering, but not what I wanted to hear.
Bella grinned when I approached, eagerly accepting the coffee I handed her. I'd only just started bringing her coffee. If I was being honest, I was hoping it would add a little more permanence to our routine. I wanted to create the expectation that I would be there before class, coffee in hand and ready to talk. Of course, this would all change next semester. Our schedules would undoubtedly be different, but I was hoping we could still find the time to meet right here, at our little bench. These past four weeks had been amazing, and most of that was the result of conversations that had taken place right here.
It was a chilly day in Tampa, not uncommon at this time of the year, and I as I sat down beside her, I noticed that Bella's cheeks were red. Without thinking, I lifted my hand to her face, resting it gently on her skin. My hand was warm from holding the coffee cup, but her cheek was cold to the touch. I let my hand linger there for a moment, warming her flushed skin before slowly drawing it away.
You're freezing.
Bella smiled shyly, nodding in response before taking a sip of her coffee. She hadn't protested my hand on her face, and that made me feel incredibly happy.
Do you want to go inside?
Bella shook her head.
*I'm fine. It's a beautiful day. Let's sit and talk.*
It still amazed me that after only four weeks time, Bella and I were already able to have a very basic conversation in sign language. Together, we'd been working on some of the more commonly used signs. Bella had also taken to signing simple phrases, using exaggerated facial expressions and pronounced gestures to help her get her point across. I think we amused ourselves, although I'm sure we looked a little ridiculous. Our time together almost always devolved into at least one fit of laughter, but that was one of the nicest things about spending time with Bella. We laughed… a lot. We were happy and silly, but then just as easily we slipped into more serious conversation. That's when we would pull out the iPad.
Unfortunately, twenty minutes went by much too fast, and it seemed as if our time was always up before we had a chance to dig too deep. I wanted to get to know Bella better. Much better. I wanted to reach beneath the surface and learn more about her life and what made her tick. I was really hoping we'd have the chance to do that next semester. I was already thinking about asking her out – to lunch. It was time to take this friendship to the next level and start spending time together outside of school.
Setting my coffee on the bench beside me, I tugged Bella's iPad from her hand.
Are you packed and ready to go? What time is your flight? Thanks to my meddling sister, I'm flying out at the crack of dawn. I'm not happy about that.
Bella smiled at me, her brows arching up in surprise.
*You have a sister?*
Bella signed the word for sister and I repeated it back to her.
Yes. A younger sister, but only by eighteen months. Her name is Alice. We're very close.
I paused for a moment after writing that. Alice and I were close, but it occurred to me that I had yet to tell her about Bella. Part of me felt guilty about that. Alice told me everything about her life. Sometimes, too much. But here I was - holding out on her. I guess that I thought it would be better to tell her about Bella in person. Or maybe I was just worried about what my family and friends would think. Of course, Bella and I were just friends, so it really shouldn't make a difference either way…
*Tell me about her.*
Bella's request drew me from my musings, and I smiled as I typed out what I hoped would be deemed an acceptable response by Alice.
It's kind of hard to describe Alice. She's not your average person, that's for sure. She's a force of life. People are naturally attracted to her, and I guarantee you she puts a smile on everyone's face. If you think I'm friendly, you should meet her.
I chuckled softly as I thought of my baby sister, listening as Bella laughed in unison with me. As was her habit as of late, she was reading what I typed from over my shoulder.
It's more than that, though. Alice is incredibly intuitive. She reads people well and has an uncanny ability to guide them in making the right decisions. She has always been my go to person when I need advice.
This was true. My sister was my confidant, and that thought made me feel all the more guilty for having withheld information about Bella. Thankfully, there would be plenty of time to discuss whatever it was that was going on between Bella and me over the holidays.
*She sounds wonderful.*
Bella looked up at me and smiled, and I smiled back.
She is, I signed before using the iPad to ask Bella whether or not she had any brothers and sisters. She shifted beside me as she read the question, warm breath exiting her mouth in a soft sigh. I turned my head in her direction, peering into her eyes, but it was impossible to know what lay hidden behind them. For as expressive as Bella was, she was also an expert at hiding her emotions when she wanted to.
*No,*she signed before tugging the iPad onto her lap.
*I was born deaf. Not surprisingly, it was unexpected, and it was a lot for my parents to handle. They had to learn a whole new language just to communicate with me, and it wasn't just that. There was speech therapy, lip-reading, learning how to properly read and write… so, yeah… they just didn't have the time or energy to take care of another child.*
I sat on the bench beside Bella, quietly considering everything she'd shared. She had just revealed more about herself in one paragraph than she had the entire time we'd known each other. I was pleased she felt comfortable enough with me to share such intimate details of her life, and now that she had, I was eager to learn more. But when I went to take the iPad from her, anxious to ask another question, Bella slipped it from my hands, gently shaking her head no. There wasn't anything rude about her actions, but her intent was clear. She was effectively shutting down our conversation – one that had only just begun, and I couldn't help but be disappointed. She'd done that before, most notably on the day she learned that music was one of my majors. I wanted to call her out on it, to tell her that she could trust me with anything she had to say, but I knew that now wasn't the time to push - not before we were about to part ways for several weeks.
I watched as Bella typed something on her iPad.
*So, I should probably get going. I need to get to class a little early today in case any of my students have questions before the exam.*
Bella looked up at me and I nodded. I wouldn't let her see that I was hurt she'd shut me out. After all, she had let me in I reminded myself… at least a little. I reached to take the iPad from Bella and this time she let it go.
Have a merry Christmas, Bella. I guess I'll see you next semester.
I realized my response was rather lackluster, but that's honestly how I felt. I wasn't going to pretend to be anything different. Bella stared at me for a brief moment before reaching for her iPad and slipping it into her backpack. Then, turning away from me, I watched as she tore a piece of paper from her notebook. She smiled softly as she scribbled something down.
*Merry Christmas, Edward,* she signed as she rose from her seat, and her smile was so warm and genuine I couldn't help but smile in return.
Merry Christmas, Bella, I signed back. And then, in a moment of time that passed much too quickly, Bella bent and kissed my cheek. Afterwards, she pressed the piece of paper she'd been writing on into my hand and offered me one last smile and a wave before walking away. And then I was alone on our bench. I immediately opened her note, curious as to what it said. I smiled from ear to ear when I read it. She may not have been original, but it was exactly what I wanted to hear.
*I'm counting on it, Green Eyes.*
Endnotes:
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