Hello there! Well it's been a while, hasn't it? Remember how, when I updated the last chapter, I said that I was working on two others as well? Well, here's one of them, and I've been on-and-off working on this for about three months. I like to let song-fics that I write marinate for a while before editing and finally posting...that way I can get a better idea of whether or not it matches the song. Well, hopefully I did this one justice.
Also - thank you again to everyone who has reviewed, followed, favorited or simply read this work. I love you all! And for the last chapter only - I just want to say I loved the review that WEast left saying how creepy the chapter was...because that was totally my goal, to make a very creepy and suspenseful mood, and apparently I did. So awesome! Thank you, all. Hope you enjoy this one!
Title: Dark Side
Summary: Everyone has a dark side. Some are darker than most. But when Merlin lies out all the cards on the table - revealing anger and hate, murder at the bat of an eye - there can only be one thing to say...
Rating: K+
Genre: Hurt/Comfort / Angst
Disclaimer: Merlin isn't mine! The only thing that belongs to me here...are the words, that I personally typed. Nothing else. =)
BEFORE YOU READ: Get over to YouTube and listen to 'Dark Side' by Kelly Clarkson. Personally, I am a huge fan of Kelly Clarkson - all of her songs are so heartfelt and touching, and I love pretty much every single one...this one in particular, because it's very relatable and beautiful and just well GO LISTEN TO IT. It's great. Hopefully this fic will correspond to it even slightly.
Dark Side
Boom.
When Gwen, Merlin, and the Knights burst through the final set of double doors with that resounding crash, the sight that greeted them was not at all pleasant – several scores of warriors, standing impassively in uniform rows that stretched from wall to wall of the vast stone chamber.
The door slammed ominously shut behind the invading group, and a complete silence fell.
Gwen was the one who broke the tense silence. "How are we supposed to get past…that?" The black-clad warriors did not react, and everyone gave a silent sigh of relief. At least they wouldn't be provoked by anything other than attack; they maintained their lifeless positions, with their glinting swords held before them, the points planted firmly on the stone floor.
Gwaine tutted softly, shaking his head. "What I'd like to know," he said softly in his gruff voice. "Is how Arthur always manages to get himself into these situations? Is it a requirement or something, for princes to strive to make their lives as difficult and dramatic as possible?"
Merlin scoffed softly at that, and Gwen sighed, unable to help agreeing with him. The reason that they were there at all – to remove Arthur from yet another sticky situation. Arthur had been challenged by a traveling swordsman who turned out to be a sorcerer, who turned out to have brokered some deal with Arthur to meet him at some sacred grove at some time or another in exchange for valuable information about the movements of their enemies… it didn't really matter, in the end, because it was just another annoying plot devised to destroy Camelot. Now, Arthur had been taken – or had gone, it wasn't really clear yet – to this dark stone fortress, which turned out to be less fortress than maze. Gwen, Merlin, and the Knights had, of course, been following Arthur the entire time, and they'd fought their way through the labyrinth of corridor after ominous corridor…until, this. The congregation of unmoving masked warriors was more than a little unsettling, and besides, they far outnumbered Gwen's little group.
Elyan took half a step forward, narrowing his eyes. "They haven't moved, though…maybe they're just an apparition or something?"
Lancelot shook his head fractionally, his eyes never leaving the rows of warriors. "No," he breathed, still careful to keep his voice to a minimum. The sound still made Gwen feel that faint, warm feeling inside of her, until she squashed it down hastily. Arthur. "Look. They're breathing. I think they're real enough."
For a moment they simply stood there, observing, and Gwen felt the panic that had been lingering in her swell. Her gaze flickered to each of the Knights beside her, and then to Merlin. Maybe he…before she could voice the question, Gwaine took a deep breath.
"Well," the brash knight sighed, smiling a grimace. "There's no time like the present, is there?" With a firm nod, he stepped forward and began to draw forth his sword.
Before Gwaine could get the blade even halfway out of its sheath, every warrior in the great chamber moved as one. They flipped their swords in the air gracefully, the movement so synchronized that it was almost hypnotic, and then they each squared their stance, holding their swords before them with the points pointing unwavering towards the ceiling, far above.
Elyan stepped forward to grab Gwaine's arm, jerking him back roughly, but the other knight had already frozen in his actions. "Never mind, then," Gwaine muttered, and Elyan shook his head.
"Look at them. It's impossible for any normal army to be so coordinated." He sighed, clenching his jaw with flashing eyes. "We'll never defeat them, not on our own."
Gwen's heart was pounding, and after taking a steadying breath, she turned to look at Merlin. He'd been silent this entire time, and she thought that she knew why. "Merlin, is there any way you could..."
Merlin gulped, sighing silently and averting his gaze. A few beats of silence, and then – "I can do it."
No one said anything.
It had been some time since Merlin had revealed to them that he was a sorcerer, on that fateful day when he'd used his powers to cure Arthur of a deadly poison. At first, Gwen and the Knights – though not Lancelot, Gwen had been quick to note – had been shocked and doubtful, because it was Merlin. But Merlin had saved Arthur's life, and even he – the prince himself – couldn't condemn Merlin. Among everything else, Merlin was their friend. Everyone knew that. So not one of them – not Leon, the ever-loyal knight, or Elyan, rather distant as he was, or even Arthur, always trying to win his dying father's approval – had told the king.
Despite that, ever since they'd found out what Merlin had been hiding, it had become a sort of banned subject between them all. Sure, whenever the situation called for it – such as in the middle of an ambush, or when some pompous noble could do with a bit of humility – then Arthur or one of the Knights would give Merlin the go-ahead, not that he ever really needed it, and sometimes, they'd even discuss his magic during private strategy meetings. But other than that, no questions were asked, and no one tried to find out just how powerful Merlin was or what else he'd done in the past. It may not have been the most stable of arrangements, but it worked for everyone, Gwen had thought, and Merlin had seemed more comfortable than ever.
Gwen had been hoping that, now, Merlin could do something – distract the warriors, causing a diversion so that the Knights would have a better chance at defeating them – but the way that Merlin said it made it sound as if he wasn't talking about a mere distraction.
Percival, surprisingly, was the one to venture forth into the silence. "You mean…"
Merlin didn't meet anyone's eyes, and gave a tiny nod.
An ominous feeling – even more so than before – settled in Gwen's stomach. Merlin looked uncomfortable, ashamed even – but also confident. Sure. He wasn't guessing; he was speaking from experience. Still – Gwen couldn't resist the morbid curiosity that overcame her. "…How do you know?"
Everyone seemed frozen, watching Merlin intently. The sorcerer in question swallowed, shaking his head dubiously, before he looked up slightly, his eyes peering brightly from underneath his fringe of dark hair. "Gwen," he scoffed tightly, his voice strained. "You don't – you don't really expect me to have protected Arthur all those times without killing people, do you?" Gwen's eyes widened as she heard Merlin's voice break slightly on that word – killing. Merlin swallowed heavily again, looking away to give the ground a hard stare.
"I've – there are a lot of things that I've had to –" Merlin continued haltingly, seeming to stumble on every word – Gwen had never seen him so uncomfortable, or so dejected. "Well, it isn't exactly a picnic."
His slightly bitter words were met, once again, by silence.
You don't really expect me to have protected Arthur all those times without killing people, do you? The words refused to stop repeating in Gwen's mind, because it was true – she had. After all, this was Merlin – sweet, kind-hearted Merlin, who hated hunting and mocked any sort of violent competition. They all knew that there was more to him than just that, but – none of them ever really wanted to confront that. Gwen certainly hadn't, and not just to refrain from putting Merlin under pressure. Just because it was too much.
But it was still there, and ignoring it wouldn't make it go away. What Merlin had done. What he could do. Gwen stared at him with wide eyes, watching how he stood stiffly, his jaw visibly clenched. Why? Was he waiting for rejection, scolding – perhaps for the proverbial axe to fall, as if it'd been hovering above him all this time?
Thankfully, Lancelot broke the tense silence, stopping Gwen's confused train of thought. His voice was soft, consoling, understanding – Gwen suddenly remembered that Lancelot had known about Merlin before the rest. "We're knights, Merlin," said Lancelot, moving a half-step forward in earnest. "We've killed people too. It's no different. It's our duty." So why should what you do be any worse?
Merlin shook his head slowly, still refusing to turn and look at any of them, instead staring resolutely at the rows of impassive warriors standing in the chamber before them. "You don't understand," said Merlin quietly, some hidden emotion wavering under his low voice. "It's not the same. When you fight – when you kill – you do it openly, you give them a chance. I don't; I can't. It's just…a word, a thought, and they're dead. It's…it's not fair." His voice trembled – not with hidden emotion, anymore, because Gwen could hear it plainly. It was a deep-seated, old self-contempt, and it sent daggers through Gwen's heart and fragmented thoughts flitting through her head – and Uther would punish Merlin for his magic? It's obvious that he punishes himself enough – the self-tortured look that Merlin had about him nearly broke Gwen's heart, yet still she couldn't force herself to say anything. Merlin – a killer?
Every time Merlin spoke, a stunned silence seemed to follow his words. A few seconds in, however, Gwaine shifted on his feet, taking half a step forwards as he watched Merlin with an intensity that was uncharacteristic for the erratic man. "We all do what we have to," said Gwaine firmly, sounding completely sure, completely confident that he was arguing on the right side of the argument.
"I do more than that," snapped Merlin, before sighing apologetically. He still stood there with his shoulders a little hunched, looking almost haunted – when had this part of Merlin been born, this sadder, angrier part? Or had it just been hiding behind the same mask as the rest of his secrets had been? Gwen was still just standing there, transfixed.
"Exactly," Lancelot was saying firmly, eyes wide in earnest – trying to convince. "No one expects you to do so much, Merlin. You have nothing to be ashamed of."
Merlin had begun shaking his head rapidly halfway through Lancelot's sentence – on a closer look, Gwen saw that Merlin was shaking, his hands clenched tightly into trembling fists and his breathing taut and quivering – he turned to face Lancelot, frowning and stepping forward almost challengingly. "No – you don't – you're talking like I'm some sort of-of hero or something, like it's all good and bad and I'm good, of course, but that's just it, I'm not – I'm not." His shoulders slumped as he lowered his gaze. "I'd like to claim that – that I've always used my powers for good, to help people – to help Arthur, and Camelot…but I haven't, not always. Sometimes…sometimes I made mistakes, or–or got angry, or just…didn't."
After another moment of that agonizing silence, his eyes flickered up to the faces of the knights and Gwen's own – and then away again, so fleeting but already having shown the pain and fear that filled them. Seeing that – Gwen forgot all about staying quiet, and sucked in a quick gasp of shock at that face – but the gasp, just a small breath, was loud in that silence, and Merlin flinched, shifting half a step back.
Fool! Gwen could have kicked herself, but stood frozen, not wanting to make another wrong move – what could she say? What could she do to help him? Do I want to? The thought vanished as abruptly as it had come. There was no way – it was enough proof, just seconds earlier, how Merlin had flinched away at Gwen's gasp of surprise. Judging by the look in his eyes, there could be only one reason – because Merlin was just that afraid of rejection, or being cast away by his friends if they came to thought that he was a killer, a monster. And why give them so much reason to think that, then? There he was, laying all the cards out on the table – not forced, but on his own free will. Just because he wanted them to know the truth. Maybe because he wanted them to make that decision on their own – maybe because he wasn't sure what was the right one himself. The conclusion brought an unexpected wave of anger surging through her.
It had been a few seconds more of silence, but finally – it was Leon whose soft voice suddenly sprung up out of nowhere, his tone uncharacteristically understanding. "No one expects you to be a hero, Merlin." Merlin looked up sharply, meeting Leon's eyes. "And nobody's perfect – everyone can make mistakes."
Merlin turned away again, after looking on for a moment – it still didn't seem to have been the exact right thing to say. Merlin spun back to face the multitude of warriors, his face turned away from all of them – Gwen could only see his profile, his jaw tucked in defensively and his eyes downcast – she could see the muscle below his temple twitching as he clenched his jaw repeatedly.
Maybe it was her imagination, but perhaps not – time seemed to slow as Gwen watched Merlin sparse lashes fall, the motion measured and deliberate as with a gold flare he blinked –
And then time was back to racing, and sound crashed onto their eardrums – an earsplitting clatter filled the vast chamber, and they all jerked and jumped, turning to see that ocean of black-clad warriors slump with a hypnotic ripple telling only that they'd all begun to collapse at exactly the same time; that sharp, painful clatter and clamber was the sound of dozens and dozens of heavy swords falling to the stone floor at exactly the same moment.
Even as the swords stilled, the sound vibrating faintly around the room, the warriors finally hit the ground as one – a giant thud and a tremble ran through the room…then silence.
Merlin sighed – the sound filled the whole room – and turned away, dragging his feet over the rough stone; they could all see the gold just as it faded from his eyes. "Mistakes," muttered Merlin, shaking his head with a tense self-contempt – he began to push past the knights, all standing there too shocked to move – and then, in a flash, Gwen knew.
"Merlin!" She leaped forward without thinking, reaching out to grasp his wrist – he jerked to a halt, looking inquisitively at her with empty eyes. "Merlin, don't. Don't – I know what you're thinking, what you think we think of you – and you're wrong. You think that we'd place you as a monster – that there's so many dark and terrible things you've done and we don't know about that if we did know, we'd immediately cast you off. Like that would somehow change things. But it's not true, Merlin, because we know you. Despite anything you might have done, or any way you might sometimes feel – no matter how bad your bad side is. It won't change our opinion of you, who you are."
With every word, Gwen felt the weight that seemed to be on her soul lessen – she knew that every word was true. Merlin's miserable expression had begun to soften, and now he merely stood there with eyebrows raised – his eyes perhaps a bit more moist than usual.
"She's right," murmured one of the knights quietly, and they all came to stand around them, offering all of their support and trust – and friendship.
Gwen smiled, looking up at Merlin with teary eyes. "Everyone has a dark side, Merlin," she said softly, stepping forward to grasp him tightly in a hug. "But that's not who you really are. And we're not going to let you forget that."
Well, there you are! I hope you liked this - please tell me what you thought! Hopefully it wasn't to sappy and gooey, haha...anyway, thank you for reading! Hopefully I finish the other one soon - it's been three months for that one too - and until then...have a nice day!
~whatswiththemustache