CHAPTER 4
I woke up to the sensation of Matthew's finger softly tracing my lips. He was staring intently at my mouth, brushing his fingertip lightly over it and not even noticing I was awake.
"Good morning," I said quietly. He said nothing; just looked me squarely in the eye with a serious expression on his face. He slowly leaned in and kissed me...softly and slowly at first, then increasing in intensity. He moved his body on top of mine and continued to kiss me deeply. I could sense his urgency, much like I had last Sunday when he picked up his truck at my house. He pulled away from my mouth and I could see tears brimming in his eyes. Now I was truly concerned.
"Matthew, baby...what's wrong?" I said, holding his head in my hands.
"Just stay with me, Maddy...please...promise you'll never leave me again," he whispered. He looked lost and afraid, something I had never seen in him before. He had always been so confident and strong and this vulnerability or whatever this was was scaring me.
"I'm right here, Matt...I'm not going anywhere," I said.
He crushed his mouth to mine as I wrapped my legs around his lower back. His mouth moved away from mine and down to my breasts. He flicked his tongue around each nipple, lightly sucking each one in turn as I ran my hands through his short hair. He moved his lips down my tummy, lightly kissing my skin as he went. My legs were now resting on his shoulders. He looked up at me with a very wicked grin on his face, his bright smile contrasted by the dark stubble on his cheeks. He ran his hands down the inside of my thighs and I involuntarily arched my back as he touched me.
"You're mine now, Maddy...nothing can change that," he said before lowering his head between my legs. I let out a soft moan as I felt his warm tongue flicking back and forth across my clitoris. He shifted his body slightly and began to slowly lick up and down my inner lips. I was so wet that I didn't know where his flesh ended and mine began. He sucked the first two fingers of his right hand then slowly slid them inside me. I instinctively raised my hips as he worked his fingers in and out of me and continued to suck on my sensitive little bud.
"Matthew...please..." I heard myself say. My body ached for the sweet release that was begging to let go. He rose to his knees and lifted me up to meet his hips, then plunged himself inside me. I groaned as he thrust hard and fast. His masterful control of my brought me to a powerful orgasm as I thrashed underneath him.
"Oh Jesus, Maddy...fuck..." he grunted as I felt him spurt inside me. He collapsed on top of me, sweating and breathing heavily and I wrapped my arms around him tightly, burying my face in the side of his neck. I couldn't stop the tears that were falling uncontrollably from my eyes nor could I muffle the sobs that threatened to shake my body. I loved him so much. He had to realize that, so I couldn't understand how he could possibly think I would ever leave him again.
"Don't cry, baby...or I will too," he said as he kissed me softly.
"I love you so much, Matthew. This is where I am meant to be...with you. Now this had to happen," I said, trying to get the crying under control. It was as if the stress of the past week and finally burst open the dam and I couldn't stop it.
"What had to happen? What are you not telling me?" he asked, looking concerned. I hadn't told him about Kelly and the gifts he sent. I was hoping to settle it without him knowing, but now I had no choice.
"It's Kelly," I said.
"Son of a bitch...what has he done now?" he said. His eyes were wild. He was furious already and he didn't even know what Kelly had done.
"Matthew, calm down...he only..." I started to say, but he interrupted me before I could finish.
"Goddamn him. He's going to wedge himself between you and me, I just know it," he said, sounding angrier than I had ever heard him before. He got out of bed and pulled a pair of pants on, then strutted around the room like a peacock.
"For Christ's sake, Matt...do you really think I'd let that happen? Give me a little credit here..." I said. Now I was getting annoyed. He was acting like a child who was angry that someone had stolen his lollipop.
"I'm sorry, Maddy. I just get crazy when I think about you and Severide. Forgive me?" he said as he sat back down on the bed.
"Whether you like it or not, Kelly was a part of my life, Matthew...just like Hallie was a part of yours. It's no different. Besides, I'm meeting Kelly for breakfast this morning to talk about all of it. There are things I need to say to him and I'm sure there are things that he needs to say to me," I said.
"I want to go with you," Matt said.
"The hell you will, Matthew Casey! I'm a big girl now, in case you hadn't noticed. I don't need you to fight my battles for me. You really think your being there will help matters? Jesus, Matthew...it's like you didn't hear a word I said," I said. Now I was angry. I bolted out of bed and wrapped my robe around me. Matthew stopped me on my way out of the bedroom.
"Maddy, please...I don't want to fight with you. I'm sorry. Of course I know you can handle yourself. It's one of the things I love about you...and it's because I love you that I worry about losing you," he said, taking me by the shoulders.
"You won't lose me! Why do you keep acting like I'm going somewhere? I'm finally where I belong...with you. Do you honestly think that I'd let anything or anyone get in the way of that?" I said.
"You say that but sometimes we have no control over what happens, Maddy," he said.
"You don't think I know that, for Christ's sake? I had no control over losing you sixteen years ago and I had no control over Stephen's extra-curricular activity...but if we constantly live in fear of what may happen, we're going to lose everything we fought so hard to get," I said, crying now. Matthew and I had only been together as a couple for a week and it was already becoming too intense for my liking. I hoped it was only temporary, given our long separation.
"Maddy," he said softly as he pulled me into a tight embrace and burying his face in my neck.
His arms wrapped around me like a death grip.
"I will never leave you, Matthew. Please believe that. The only thing that would drive me away is if you hurt me and you're one of the few people that I know would never do that," I said.
"I love you, Maddy...so much," he whispered. I thought I could hear him choking back tears as he pressed his mouth to my ear as he spoke.
"I love you too, Matthew. Trust in that...and me, OK?" I said.
"OK, babe...I'll go make some coffee while you shower. Try not to be too angry with me, OK?" he asked. His big blue eyes were red-rimmed. He had been crying after all. I brushed the remnants of his tears away with my fingers and planted a soft, deep wet kiss on his mouth.
"It's already forgotten," I said. I could never truly be angry with him...at least not yet. It was too soon in our relationship for anger and tears. As I showered, I silently prayed that for the rest of the day, everything would not be this dramatic.
I drove to the diner to meet Kelly, rehearsing what I would say to him in my head. I had no real idea of how things would play out between us, but I could only hope for the best. Kelly had always been a reasonable man, at least up until last weekend. He had never expressed his feeling for me until this last week. Before he had inundated me with gifts at work, he hadn't given me one thing in the entire three months we had been dating except for a bouquet of flowers the day he came to visit me at work. I knew he cared about me on some level, but I was never sure what level that was. He had rarely asked me anything about my life in New York, my marriage, my job...he didn't even know when my birthday was. Seeing me kiss Matthew and using that as an excuse to take his ex-fiance to bed did not seem like the actions of someone in love with me. It seemed more like the actions of a man who was jealous that his rival was making a play for the girl he was dating. I guess I would soon find out.
I parked in front of the diner and opened my purse. I could see Kelly's St. Florian medallion sparkling at the bottom. No matter what happened from here on out with Kelly, I would always treasure our time together. I walked inside the diner and could see the back of Kelly's black leather jacket in a booth in the far back corner. I walked through the diner and slid into the booth on the opposite side.
"Thank you for meeting me," I said.
"I'm not really sure I had much choice," he said, sounding curt.
"Oh you did, Kelly...but things would have gotten a whole lot harder," I said. I wanted him to know I was serious about this. I also wanted to think I would back up my threat of reporting him to the union.
"Casey know about this meeting?" he asked. Before I could answer, the waitress came over and set down two plates of pancakes and sausage.
"Your fella here said you liked flapjacks. You want coffee too, hon?" she asked me. I was slightly stunned because I didn't remember ever mentioning I liked pancakes to Kelly. In fact, I don't even remember eating them in front of him. I had drank a pot of coffee with Matt before leaving the house, so I asked for orange juice instead.
"Yes, Matthew knows...although I didn't tell him the details," I said.
"You mean about the gifts. Didn't he see them?" Kelly asked.
"No, he didn't. The flowers are still on my desk, but the staff devoured the candy and I gave the balloons and stuffed animals to pediatrics," I said.
"Clever little thing, aren't you? Keeping secrets from your current lover about your former lover," he said with a nasty tone in his voice. I took my cell phone out of my purse and punched in Matthew's number and turned the screen to show him.
"Just say the word, Kelly...and I'll call him right now. Matthew and I have no secrets," I said, sounding a little cocky.
"Calm down and put your phone away, Mads," he said, taking a big bite of food.
"What is this all about, Kelly? Why are you suddenly acting like you can't live without me? You don't love me," I said.
"Don't tell me what I'm feeling, Mads. How are you so sure I don't?" he said.
"How can you sit there and honesty tell me you love me when you know next to nothing about me?" I said.
"I know all I need to know," he said.
"Really, Kelly? What's my middle name? When's my birthday? What's my ex-husband's name?" I asked. He hesitated for a minute, then looked down at his food without answering me.
"That proves nothing," he said.
"It proves everything to me. If you loved me, you'd care enough to find out more about me. I know a lot about you because I cared enough to ask you. You were the first man in a very long time to show any interest in me and I will always be grateful for that. You gave me three of the best months I've ever had, but the man I love has to care about deeper things than just taking me to bed, Kelly...and I have to be able to trust him completely," I said, my voice cracking with emotion.
"I'm sorry I hurt you, Mads...but you hurt me too," he said.
"Yes, I kissed Matthew Casey while you and I were together. I'm sorry you had to see that, Kelly...but it didn't go any further than that, I swear on my father's life. I had planned to tell you everything that Friday night at Molly's," I said, my voice trailing off. I didn't want to recall the sight of Kelly in bed with Renee.
"If Casey wasn't in the picture, would we be having this conversation now?" he asked. His blues eyes were staring straight through me.
"This has nothing to do with Matthew. Are you conveniently forgetting that I caught you fucking Renee Whaley? Or that you had Shay lie to me to cover it up? I came to Molly's that night hoping to clear the air and tell you everything because I felt you deserved that. I was willing to give our relationship everything I had, but you chose the low road, Kelly...not me," I said, choking back tears.
"I can't lose you, Mads...I just couldn't bear that," he said, his eyes turned downward.
"This isn't about losing me, Kelly...it's about losing me to Matthew. That's what you can't bear. This isn't about loving me...it's about your goddamn rivalry and you know it," I said, sounding angry. I would be damned before I let him twist my emotions like this to make himself look like the romantic hero.
"I'm so sorry, Mads...I really am," he said, tears pricking his blue eyes.
"So am I, Kelly," I said. I reached into my purse and pulled out his St. Florian medallion and handed it to him. His fingers closed over mine as I put the medallion in his hand. He brought it up to his lips and kissed the back of my hand.
"Regardless of what you think, Mads...I love you...in the only way I know how since I broke off my engagement with Renee. You're the first woman since her to touch me deep down and I'm sorry I had to be the one to fuck it up," he said.
"I will always treasure what we had, Kelly...you brought me back to life and I will never forget that," I said, still crying. I got up from the booth and started to walk away. Kelly rose from his side of the booth to stop me.
"You love him, Mads?" he asked.
"I do," I answered. Without warning, Kelly pressed his mouth on mine and kissed me deeply. My heart was breaking for him and without thinking, I returned his kiss. Goddamn him for doing this to me...and goddamn myself for letting him.
Oh...and Mads? Don't kid yourself into thinking that Casey doesn't have any secrets from you. I just thought you should know that," Kelly said as I pulled away from his mouth. So much for being the romantic hero. I should have expected he'd take one last jab at Matthew.
"Goodbye, Kelly," was all I said. I wasn't about to dignify that remark with an answer. All I wanted to do was drive back home and spend the rest of the day with the one man besides my father who had never hurt me.