Chapter 25: Homecoming

Olivia sat on the sofa staring up at Roland. She had heard what he said, but she was still trying to process it. She thought he had just asked her to help him get a flight home. She looked from Roland to Mark and back to Roland again. Alexia was pulling at her arm. "Mommy, mommy look what daddy got for me today." Olivia fought to regain her senses. "Honey, that's great," she said to Alexia, "I'll look at it all later. Why don't you go in the kitchen and have a cookie? I got your favorites at the bakery on my way home." Alexia really wanted to show her mother what she had gotten at the store, but she loved cookies. Her mother rarely allowed such a treat before dinner. Fearful that if she hesitated for another moment later the offer might be removed, Alexia ran off into the kitchen followed closely by Chance. Olivia looked again from husband to brother and back again. "Will one of you please tell me what's going on?" Mark spoke up, "Roland's decided that he wants to go home and he wants your help." "Home where? Home to his apartment?" Roland could feel the anxiety in his sister's voice. He spoke to her in a low voice to soften the blow of the news he had to deliver. "No Livvy, I'm going home to my wife and baby. I'm going back to Fort Marshall." Olivia just sat staring. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "What – what made you change your mind?" Roland hunched his shoulders. "A good friend," he said looking at Mark, "a good friend reminded me today of what is really important in life. So, will you help me or not?" Olivia still in shock chimed in, "Of course I'll help you. When do you want to leave, I can check on-line to see when the next flight leaves." "Tonight, right now, as soon as possible," was Roland's reply. Giving Olivia a quick peck on the check, he hurried up the stairs to pack. Olivia stood and walked to her husband who was leaning in the doorway. "Mr. Jasper, are you responsible for this?" she asked. "I have no idea what you are talking about. All I have done today is take my daughter shopping and to lunch." He smiled and grabbed her hand. "Let's go have a cookie with our daughter. Plus don't you have some on-line shopping to do?"

The next few hours were very difficult for Olivia. As much as she had hoped and prayed for this moment, now that it was here she was sad. She hated to see Roland go. She had come to enjoy having him around on a day to day basis. She stood apart from the rest of her family as they waited for Roland's plane to board. Providence had been on her side and she had managed to secure Roland a seat on the last plane leaving for the Charleston area. Now, the family stood waiting for the flight to be called. Roland and Mark each took turns swinging Olivia and lifting her to the large picture window so she could watch the planes taking off and landing. Mark noticing Olivia's mood came over to stand with her. "Are you going to be alright when Roland is gone?" Olivia looked at her husband and smiled. "I'll be fine. He needs to go." Mark moved closer to her and took her hand in his. "I know, but you will miss him anyway." Thankful for the support Olivia looked at him and replied, "Yep, I will, but I'll be fine. I have you and Lexie." The over head speaker came on. Roland stopped in mid swing of Alexia. He placed her back on the floor and walked towards Mark and Olivia. The four stood in silence for a moment. "Mommy is it time for our plane to leave?" Mark looked down at Alexia. "Lexie baby, only Uncle Roland is going on the plane. We are staying here." He reached down and picked her up. "Kiss your uncle good-bye." Alexia reached out and grabbed Roland's neck. "Bye Uncle Roland, I love you." Roland hugged and kissed his niece. "Bye Ro, good luck." Mark and Roland gave a quick handshake. Mark turned to Olivia. "We'll wait for you over there." Olivia and Roland stood facing each other. Tears begin streaming down Olivia's cheeks. She tried to fight them back, but she couldn't hold them in. Roland wiped her checks with his hands. "Please don't cry Livvy. It's alright, really it is." "I know Ro. These are not tears of sorrow. I am so happy for you and Joan. I want things to work out for the two of you." Roland cleared his throat. "Livvy, I know we promised not to interfere in personal lives anymore, but.." Olivia looked at him puzzled. "But what Roland," she asked. Roland sighed heavily and looked at his watch. Finally, he spoke, "Livvy what should I do? How am I going to get her to take me back?" Olivia stood thinking. "Roland, I can't answer that question for you. All I can offer is to just pray about on your flight home. The right words will come to you. Now, let's hurry. We can't let you miss your flight." She reached out and hugged her brother for the longest time. "This is the last boarding call for Flight 331 to South Carolina," blared overhead. Roland spoke, "Livvy, I have to go." She released him from her embrace and looked at his face a final time. "Call me when you get there to let me know you arrived safely. Give Joan a hug and kiss for me." "I will Livvy, I will. Livvy, I love you." "I love you too Roland." Roland turned and walked away and looking back gave a final wave and disappeared through the boarding tunnel.

Joan arrived home and pulled into her driveway. She looked at Roland's car that had been parked there since he left for Chicago. It had remained un-driven since he had left. She hated driving it because it was just too big. She had never understood why Roland had wanted such a large car for just the two of them. "Roland," she thought, "had never planned on it being just the two of us." She walked past his car bags in hand. She paused as she passed and looked in the back seat. It was the perfect size for the car seat, stroller, play yard, and other necessary items for the baby. She would ask him when they talked if he would be willing to let her keep it for her and the baby. She entered the house with Roland still on her mind. Unlocking the door and turning the entry way lights on, she rushed in the house and placed her bags on the counter. Picking up the phone, she called Olivia's house, but there was no answer. She checked her watch. It was dinner time. They never missed dinner time. She dialed Olivia's cell and got her voice mail. What was going on? Something had to be wrong for Olivia to have her whole family off of their carefully planned schedule.

Olivia, Mark, and Alexia returned to the car in silence. Alexia, obviously exhausted from the day's events, fell asleep as soon as Mark buckled her in. Olivia sat staring out of her window as Mark pulled slowly away from the airport. "What are we going to do for dinner?" he asked. "Let's just stop for Mexican or something. I can't cook tonight," she answered. Olivia's cell phone began beeping in her purse. She pulled it out and saw that she had a message. Listening, she heard Joan's voice in a panic. "Livvy when you get this message, please call." Olivia turned to Mark. "It's Joan. She wants me to call her. What should I do?" "Call her back, but don't give anything away." Mark grasped Olivia's hand for support. Olivia pushed the button and called Joan. "Hey Joan, it's Livvy what's up?" Joan was relieved to hear Olivia's voice. "I was just calling to make sure everything was alright. I was worried after you hung up so quickly this afternoon." "Every thing is fine Joan. I told you that earlier. We are just on our way out for dinner." "Livvy, are you sure everything is fine? Where's Roland? Can I talk to him?" "Roland," Olivia looked at Mark, "Roland is not with us. He had other plans for dinner." "Oh," said Joan, "so he's on a date." Olivia responded nervously, "I didn't say he was on a date. I said he had other plans." "It's o.k. Olivia. Roland is free to date anyone he wants. We're getting a divorce. I just wanted to make sure everything was fine. I guess he is." Olivia hated keeping Roland's true plan a secret, but she knew it was best. "Joan, it's not what you think." She tried her best to sound reassuring. Joan replied with a deep heaviness in her voice, "Livvy, it's alright. I need to go. I'm tired." "Joan, wait don't hang up." Olivia had to clear the air. She couldn't let Joan believe Roland was on a date. Joan spoke tentatively, "I'll call you tomorrow Livvy. I promise." Before Olivia could reply, Joan hung up the phone. Olivia closed her phone and looked at Mark. "She thinks he's out on a date. What should we do?" Mark replied calmly. "We should go and have dinner. They need to work this out together. We have to stay out of it."

Joan had tried making dinner when she hung up with Olivia, but she didn't have a taste for anything. She put all of her purchases away and decided to take a warm a bath. She always felt better after a warm bath. So Roland was dating now. He was really moving on. She shook her head in disbelief and went upstairs to run her bath.

Joan woke with a start. She must have been more tired than she had thought. She had fallen asleep in the tub. Her water had gotten cool and all her bubbles had evaporated. She rose to dry herself and get dressed. She thought she heard a noise coming from downstairs. Was someone down there? Pulling her pajama top over her head, she glanced at her petruding belly in the mirror. "In a few more weeks, I'll be so big that the only thing that will fit me will be a bed sheet," she thought to herself. She looked around the bathroom for her robe finding it she wrapped it around herself. The noise downstairs grew louder. Someone was knocking on her door. "Who could it be at this hour," she thought out loud. The knocking on the door had turn to a bang. She slipped into her slippers quickly and went down the stairs. "I'm coming, I'm coming" she called out. She tightened her robe around herself. Unlocking the door she swung it open expecting to find a soldier on the other side. She was taken aback for a moment. She looked at him not believing that he was actually standing there. She had not prepared herself for this. She was standing face to face with him for the first time in two months. Her mouth suddenly went dry and her palms begin to sweat. He just stood there neither looking at her or away from her. Struggling, she found the words to speak. "Roland," she was puzzled, "Roland, what are you doing here?"

It had taken Roland a little longer than expected to arrive in Charleston. He had a direct flight from Chicago. Everything had run smoothly until he arrived at the Charleston Airport. It took forever for his luggage to be unloaded from the plane. He only had one bag, but the stewardess refused to let him bring it as a carry on, because it didn't fit in the overhead compartment. It took almost another hour for him to get a taxi from the airport then he had to spend another thirty minutes being interrogated by the gate security when he arrived on post. When he finally found himself standing in the driveway of the house that he had once shared with Joan, he was exhausted. What he really needed was a good night's rest, but he knew that was a long time coming. It seemed to take Joan forever to come to the door. But looking at her now, he could understand why. Her belly seemed to be the center of her body. She moved much slower under the weight of the baby. Standing there, she looked tired, but she also looked good. Roland noticed she had her pregnancy glow. Olivia had had that same glow when she was pregnant with Alexia. Roland thought that Joan looked more beautiful than he had ever seen her. He searched his brain for the right words to say, but nothing came. Finally, he settled on, "May I come in?" Joan stepped aside to allow him entrance into the house. She continued to study him as they both took a seat on the sofa. "Roland, is everything o.k.? I wasn't expecting you. I just talked to Livvy and she said that you were out on a date." Roland was taken back, "She said what?" "Well, she didn't say that you were on a date; she just said you had dinner plans and I assumed. Does she know that you are here?" Roland grinned. "Sure, she knows. She helped me to book my flight." Joan was now totally confused "I know I've asked you this already, but why are you here?" Roland exhaled and tried to organize his thoughts. The entire plane ride he had tried to envision what he would say to Joan. Now, sitting here with her, he was at a lost for words. "Joan we need to talk." Joan still dazed stared at him in disbelief. "You came all the way here to talk?" Roland relaxed a little. "What I have to say needs to be said face to face." "Roland, you've already told me how you feel. I told you I understand. Army life is not for everyone. It's not for you. You don't have to apologize for that. You are doing well in Chicago. I'm happy for you – really I am." Roland turned to face her on the sofa. "No, Joan you don't understand. I am not happy in Chicago- not really. I thought I was, but I realized that I'm not." "What do you mean Roland?" Joan began fidgeting nervously. Was he saying what she had longed for him to say so many times? She would not get her hopes up. She remembered a similar conversation with Roland just two months prior. Afterwards, she left Chicago in tears and broken-hearted. Whatever he was saying she would not get her hopes up. She would not let him hurt her again. "Joan," he was reaching for her hand now. "I want us to start over." Start over was she hearing him correctly? Roland continued, "I want us to try to make our marriage work. I thought if I left here, I would be happier. I have spent the past four and a half months in misery. I have tried to get over you and move on, but there is no moving past you." "Roland?" She heard his words, but she still refused to believe what he was saying. "Roland, you have to be sure. I will not go through this again. You have to be sure." Roland moved in closer to her on the sofa. "I have never been surer of anything in my entire life."

Joan was now fighting to remain calm. Her heart had almost leaped out of her chest as Roland uttered the words that she had so often imagined him saying. She wanted to hug him and kiss him with every fiber of her being. Her heart told her to surrender to the moment, but her head told her to hold back. Life experience had taught her to act with her head and not her heart. She loved Roland, and she wanted him to come back, but he had hurt her once before. She would not allow that to happen to herself or her baby ever again. "Roland, how can I trust what you are saying? You already walked out on me once. How can I guarantee that you won't do it again?" Roland knew Joan and this was the type of response that he expected from her. He sat thinking as Joan waited for his answer. Finally he spoke. "Joan, I love you and I want to be married to you. I knew that you were the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with after our very 1st date." Joan interrupted, "If you knew that Roland, what has these past months been about?" Roland continued. "Joan, I owe you an apology for what I put you through over the last six months. I just felt so isolated and pressured and I felt that I couldn't tell you." Joan softened, "Why Roland? Why couldn't you tell me what was going on?" Roland lowered his head. "I was ashamed." Joan was growing more confused. "Roland, what were you ashamed of? You hadn't had an affair. What was there to be ashamed of? Were you ashamed to be sick?" Roland sighed and pulled away from Joan. He rose from the couch and walked towards the kitchen. Suddenly, he had lost his nerve. He wanted get out of this house as soon as possible. He now had that overwhelming feeling of entrapment. He felt as if the walls were closing in around him. Joan sat waiting for his answer. She also began to sense his apprehension. She watched him as he nervously paced back and forth across the floor. She struggled to rise from her seat on the sofa. Finally on her feet, she walked over to him. Gently, she placed her hand on his back to calm him. "You know Roland, you never have to be embarrassed to tell me anything. I love you and you can tell me anything. I promise whatever you tell me will stay between the two of us." As Joan spoke to him, Roland felt the pressure releasing from him. He wasn't sure if he could express in words all of the anger, rage, disappointment, fear, and exhaustion that had built themselves inside of him. "Joan, I…" just as he began to explain, his cell phone rang. Removing it from his pocket, he instantly felt relief. "Ah Joan, excuse me for a minute." A wide grin spread across his face as he lifted the phone to his ear. "Hey Lexie Pooh, what are you up to?" A calming and familiar cherub of a voice rang from the other end of the phone. "Hi, Uncle Roland, I was calling to say goodnight and I miss you." Roland felt a sudden rush of warmth. "I miss you too sweetheart. Did your mommy and daddy take you for your evening walk?" Roland listened patiently as Alexia detailed every moment of her life since his departure just three hours earlier. It seemed that Alexia would go on talking forever. Joan for her part stood silent as Roland smiled and offered the occasional "uh huh, yes, gee, that sounds like fun," encouragement to his niece's tale. It was of great relief to Roland to hear Mark's voice calling Alexia to her bath time. "Lexie baby, it's time for your bath. I talk to you soon okay." Joan watched as Roland gently coaxed his niece off of the phone. "Alright sweetheart but just for a minute, your daddy is going to get angry if we don't hurry." Joan realized suddenly that Roland had extended his phone to her. "Alexia wants to say goodnight to you too." Joan took the phone from Roland's extended hand. "Hi Lex," she tried to sound cheerful for Alexia's benefit. "No honey, he didn't tell me. What did you do today?" Roland stood facing Joan quite amused. Joan sat down at the table now the captive audience of Alexia's endless babbling. It was now her turn to feign interest in the little girl's endless tale of her day. Roland stood shaking his head as Joan looked at him in exasperation. He mouthed, "She's staling," as he let out a slight laugh. It was Olivia who finally came to Joan's rescue. "Alright Alexia, that is quite enough." Joan could hear Olivia admonishing her daughter in the background. "Say goodnight to your aunt and uncle. It's time for your bath." "But mommy, I wasn't finished talking to Auntie Joan yet." Joan couldn't help letting a laugh escape her. "Well, you'll have to call her tomorrow. It's bath time darling. Say goodnight." Joan listened as a dejected Alexia mumbled, "Goodnight Auntie Joan." "Goodnight baby," was Joan's sympathetic reply. Joan could now hear Olivia's voice coming through the phone. "Joan, I'm sorry. We never meant for her to talk so long. She misses Roland. They had established a night time ritual of sorts. He's not here, so it's throwing her schedule off. I just thought if she could hear his voice, it would help calm her down a little. We didn't mean to interrupt." Joan sighed, "It's okay Livvy. I hope you get her to sleep tonight. She seems pretty wound up." This time Olivia sighed. "Yeah, I fear we have a long night ahead. Hey, something else for you to look forward to. The sleepless nights certainly don't end when they are no longer babies." Joan laughed. Olivia certainly had an uncanny way of always lifting her spirits. She was glad that after all these years they were finally getting along. "Hey Livvy, I'm putting your brother on the phone. You say goodnight too. I have a feeling that Alexia wasn't the only one missing Roland tonight." Olivia let out a quick snort of laughter. "You caught me. I do want to speak to him just for a minute. I promise. He's only been gone three hours and I miss him like crazy." Joan smiled, "Take as long as you need. I know this hasn't been easy for you. Goodnight Olivia, and hey, by the way thank you." Olivia was amused by Joan's comment. "It's not me that deserves the thanks. There is a certain guy that I know who loves cake, and he should be getting one as a thank you from you soon." "Mark," Joan asked quizzically? "Yep, the man, the myth, the legend I'm not sure what he said, but whatever it was it worked." Without another word Joan passed the phone to an overly anxious Roland. "Hey Livvy, yeah I'm fine. The flight was fine. I promise; I'll get plenty of rest. Yes, I have the medicine. Yes, Livvy I know. Everyday, twice a day until I go back to the doctor, I won't forget." Roland listened as his sister gave an endless list of do's and don'ts. Finally able to get a word in Roland spoke. "Livvy, I am going to be fine. Stop worrying about me. I can take care of myself. I am a doctor you know. No, you can't speak to Joan again. Livvy, I don't need her to ration out my pills. Fine, call her tomorrow. I have to go. Don't you dare stay up all night worrying about me. Get yourself some rest and I'll call you tomorrow. I love you too. Kiss Lexie for me. Goodnight." Joan had sat patiently listening to the exchange between brother and sister. She was always amazed at how the two so easily talked with each other. Their conversations were always so free and loving. Even when they argued, there was always a sense of love and knowing that each only had the others best interest at heart. Roland now sat holding his cell phone tightly in his hand. Joan could see the sadness in his eyes. "What's wrong Roland?" Roland tried to smile. He had almost said nothing was wrong until he caught himself. He remembered that he and Joan had promised to be completely open and honest with each other. On the spot, he changed his mind and decided to give Joan an honest answer. "I miss my sister. I miss Alexia and Mark. I miss my whole family. The one really great thing about being in Chicago is that I got to be with my family." Joan bit her lower lip. It was a nervous habit she had developed as a little girl. She worried that the allure of Olivia and Alexia in Chicago had pulled Roland away from her. "You know Roland I'm your family too." Roland looked up at her in surprise. "Joan, I know you're my family. That's not what I meant. I just meant that I miss having other family around on a day to day basis. You're not always here. When you're gone, I'm all alone. I hate being alone. I have never had to be alone in my life." Joan braced herself. She knew that this was all too good to be true. She felt as if her world was about to collapse around her. "Look Roland, I'm sorry. I'm just not as attached to my family as you are to yours. I speak to my parents about four times a year. I have one sister that I haven't seen in three years, another sister that I speak to about once a month. Out of all of my family, I'm closest to my brother George, and we see each other once a year at Christmas or Thanksgiving. I am used to being alone. You knew that when you married me. When I left home and enrolled at the Citadel, I left home for good." Joan began to reflect. The whole time she was in Chicago, she had called her mother only once. She hadn't spoken to her father in nine years. The last time she had spoken to him was to tell him how he had embarrassed her getting so drunk at her wedding. Her brother and sisters had all moved away from Chicago years ago. Her relationship with her mother was strained at best. In fact, she had just told her mother she was pregnant about three weeks ago, and that was only because George had let it slip out during a recent phone call with their mother. Joan had awful memories of her childhood and growing up. It was a wonder that she and her brother and sisters had survived their childhood. Her father had been a terrible alcoholic who drank and physically and verbally abused his family. Her mother had been weak and did little to protect her and her siblings from his rages. Joan's oldest sister, Julia, had gotten married at 17 and moved across the country to get away. Patrice, Joan's second sister, had worked hard in school and earned a scholarship to college. She too left home early and never returned. Joan and her brother George the two youngest of the siblings had been left to fend for themselves. They had witness horrible fights between their parents. Joan's mother finally got fed up when Joan was 15 and George was 13. They came home from school one day to find their mother gone. The two had been left in the care of their father. Their father for his part cared very little what they did. It was during this time that Joan had fallen in with the wrong crowd and her life had begun to spin out of control. If it had not been for the overwhelming responsibility she felt for George, who knows where she might have ended up. When Joan was 17, she and her brother had been left by their father alone in a cold Chicago apartment with no heat or money for over a month. A concerned teacher had called the DFACS office. DFACS was unable to locate Joan's mother or father. Finally, after several months in state custody, her sister Julia and her husband had sent for George and Joan to live with them in Charleston, South Carolina. It was during this time that she first came to the Citadel. Daryll, Julia's husband, worked on the campus. He would bring Joan and George to campus with him after school. From the first moment that Joan walked on to the campus, it became her dream to go to school there. Thankfully, she had always been a decent student and a good athlete. It was her athletic talent that had secured her a scholarship in track and field at the Citadel. The Citadel and the army saved her life. She learned discipline, duty, and honor through her training. Joan knew that if she had not come to the Citadel, she would have ended up like a lot of her old friends. George, who returned to Chicago every summer for visits with their mother, had given her countless accounts of old running buddies who were junkies, unwed mothers, petty thieves, and the likes. She shivered a little just at the thought of what her life could have been. "Joan, are you alright?" The sound of Roland's voice brought her back from her memories. "Look Joan, I know that you are not close with your family. I know you had a rough childhood, but things were just different for me. My mother, sister, and I have a bond that is so strong. I need to be close to my family. I need to feel connected. I just feel so disconnected here on post." Joan looked at Roland in hopelessness. "Roland, I don't know what you want me to do. I can't just leave the Army. I have signed on for another five years. I'm committed. What do you want me to do? I mean this house is small, but do you want me to move Olivia, Mark, Alexia, and your mother in here? Will that make you want to stay?" Roland could tell that Joan was getting defensive. Experience had taught him that when Joan was on the defense he needed to tread lightly. "Joan all that I am trying to say is that I need you to be here. I need to at least know that I have you here." "Roland, I am here!" Roland got up from his seat at the table and walked in the kitchen. He retrieved some water from the refrigerator for both Joan and himself. He used this time to gather his thoughts. He knew that Joan didn't get what he was saying to her and decided to try a different approach. "Joan," he began "life on post for me for the past two years has been miserable. When you first left for Afghanistan I was fine, but then days turned into weeks and weeks rolled into months and before I knew anything a year had gone by. That first year I just kept myself really busy working on my book and working long hours at the hospital. I even started rearranging the house just to give myself something to do. By the second year of your tour, my book was done, the house was done, and I was tired of working so much. All of our non-military friends had pretty much stop calling me. They were all couples and whenever I hung out with them I was just a fifth wheel. So I started doing things by myself. I went to movies solo, I went to dinner alone, I even when to parties by myself." Joan interrupted, "Roland, we talked on the phone and e-mailed constantly while I was away. Why didn't you ever tell me that you were lonely?" Roland simply shrugged. "What good would it have done to tell you Joan? You were on the other side of the world. There was nothing you could have done." Joan walked over to the table and sat in the chair directly across from Roland. She placed her hand gently on top of his. "You're right, there is nothing that I could have done, but maybe if you had told me how you were feeling, it would have made you feel so not alone." Roland looked up and gave Joan a weak smile. "I know I should have told you, but I didn't want you to worry. All the literature that the army was giving the spouses said that we shouldn't burden the soldiers with problems from home. I just dealt with it." "Roland, I don't care what the army said. You are my husband and if something is bothering you, I want to know about it." She hesitated for a moment and then added, "I need to know." Roland thought for a moment and then decided to continue. "Joan that second year was so hard for me. I didn't have anybody here to talk to. Livvy and Mark were in Chicago. Mama was in California. I visited all of them a lot, but my life was here and that limited how much and how long I could visit. Things got so bad at one point that Livvy actually came and stayed here with me for a few weeks." Joan listened in disbelief. "Roland, why is this the first time that I am hearing all this?" Roland felt the need to walk. Walking helped him to collect his thoughts. He pulled his hand free of Joan's grasp and rose from the table. This time he began to pace up and down the living room. "Joan, you were doing so great in Afghanistan. I couldn't ruin that for you. Everywhere I went on post people would tell me how great you were and what an excellent job you were doing. It was hard. No one on post ever asked about me. It was always Lt. Colonel Burton this or Lt. Colonel Burton that. Do you know that outside of the handful of people that I worked with at the hospital that no one on post even knew I was writing a book?" Joan was starting to get an understanding of Roland's behavior over the past few months. "I cared Roland. I always asked you about your book." "No Joan, you always made fun of my book." "Roland, I was only kidding. I am very proud of you and your accomplishments. Your book is great. Your research on PTSD and its effects on soldiers and their families is ground breaking. You should be very proud. I'm proud of you." Roland now stood behind the sofa with his arms folded tightly across his body. He could feel a twinge of anger rising in his chest. He tried to maintain his composure. "Joan it's not about the book. I could care less about the book. What I do care about is the fact that you could hold it together for everyone except me. When the army needed you, you were there leading your troops and rallying for freedom. I was here waiting for you. I waited two long years for you to come home. I can't tell you how excited I was when I knew for sure that you were coming home. I thought that we were finally going to get our life on track. We would finally get to have a home and a family. You told me countless times over those two years when you got home you would retire and we could start a family. Then you got here and things just fell apart." Joan had been listening intently. She felt dryness in her throat. She sipped some of the water Roland had gotten for her. It didn't help, but she spoke anyway. "Roland when I got home, I was sick. I didn't know it, but I was. I did my best to hold it together, but I just couldn't." "Joan, I know that you were sick and you needed me, but I needed you too. I did everything to help you Joan. You didn't do anything to help me." The two sat in silence for a moment as the weight of the conversation hovered heavily in the air. Finally, Joan unable to take the silence spoke. "Roland, do you blame me for being sick when I came home?" Roland stood pondering Joan's question. "Yeah, I guess I did blame you. Maybe not blame you, but I resented you for leaving me again." "Roland, I had to go away for treatment. I was no good for you, myself, or anybody else the way I was." Roland sighed and sat down on the sofa. He had grown very weary and tired. "Joan, I know you needed treatment. I wanted you to get help, but that does not change the fact that I was left here by myself again. I was dealing with the same situation that you were. I had witnessed a man's brains being blown out all over me and my office. My life was no picnic either. I couldn't eat. I didn't sleep and to top it all off, I had to go to work everyday and pretend that everything was okay. I needed you and you were not here. I was tired and worn down, so when Olivia came up with her plan, it just seemed like the solution. I needed somebody to take care of me. I needed a break." Joan looked into Roland's eyes. She for the first time ever saw hopelessness in his expression. He looked tired and worn down. She had never seen him look this way. It frightened her. "Roland honey, you're right. I should have been here for you. I should have known that you were not fine. I could have put off my treatment for a few weeks and stayed with you just to make sure you were okay. I have seen death a lot. Belgrad's death while tragic was not traumatic for me. It was for you and I should have recognized that you just couldn't get over that. I'm sorry. I let you down and I'm sorry." Joan got up from her place at the table and walked to Roland on the sofa. She sat down next to him and slid her arms around him pulling him close to her. She held him tightly in her arms and gently placed a kiss on his cheek. "Tell me how I can make this better," she whispered gently. Roland lay completely still in the warmth of Joan's embrace. He breathed heavily at first, but the longer they sat his breathing became more and more shallow. "I don't know how to make this better Joan. I don't know how we move on from here. I just don't know." Joan began to rub his back soothingly. "I don't know either Roland, but let's just do this for a while. For some reason it just feels like the right thing to do for right now."

Chapter 26: Stillness

The sunlight was shining bright through the curtains as Joan awoke the next morning. Joan couldn't remember what time she had drifted off to sleep. Her last memories of the previous night were counting Roland's heartbeats as they lay in each other's arms and praying that the moment would never end. Roland, exhausted from his trip and woozy from his medicine, had drifted off to sleep long before Joan. She had stayed awake for hours watching him fall in and out of realm sleep. She was grateful that it was Sunday. She did not have to go to work, and she could spend the whole day with Roland. She had decided that a little time off post could do them both a world of good. One of the female Captains in her unit had mentioned to her that Daniel Island had great baby boutiques. She had thought about making the trip herself last weekend, but the thought of shopping for nursery furniture alone had depressed her. But today was different. Today, she had Roland to shop with her. Secretly, she hoped that shopping for the baby would put him in better spirits. Although, she was happy that he had returned home, she couldn't shake the feeling that he was an argument away from being back on a plane headed for Chicago. As Joan organized the day's plans in her head she felt Roland beginning to stir next to her. When he was finally all the way awake, he gave her a big grin. "Good morning Joan, how did you sleep?" Though she was far from rested, Joan gave a most honest reply. "Last night was the best sleep that I have had in months." She leaned in and kissed him squarely on the lips. It was the first real kiss that the two had shared in months. Each of them lingered in the moment. Neither of them wanting to be the first to pull away, Joan finally hurting for air broke the embrace. "So, are you ready for breakfast? We have a big day today and you're going to need your strength." "Really, asked Roland coyly as he moved in closer to her." Joan smiled, "Yes, really." She swung her legs from the bed and began searching the floor for her slippers. Finding them and stuffing her swollen feet inside, she turned back to Roland. "Lifting baby furniture is hard work. Breakfast will be ready in ten minutes." Roland let out a laugh and fell back onto his pillow. "Well, I guess I had better get dressed then." "I guess you better," Joan yelled back as she disappeared down the hallway.

Pamela tried to appear calm as she entered Roxy's with Katie and Lucas in tow. Sunday dinners together had become a tradition for Pamela, Roxy and the kids. With both Trevor and Chase gone, the two friends found comfort in each others company and the kids loved being together. Roxy hearing the front door open and closed came down the hall buttoning the last button on her shirt. "So where do you want to take the kids tonight Pamela? Finn has his heart set on Fire Mountain." Hearing Roxy's words all four kids began to chant in unison, "We want Fire Mountain, We want Fire Mountain." Roxy sensing the natives were getting restless said, "Okay, guys okay. Keep your pants on. We'll go to Fire Mountain. Let's get your jackets on. Pamela does Katie have a jacket? Pamela?" Pamela did not hear Roxy calling because her mind had drifted to Joan. Earlier that afternoon, she had gone by Joan's hoping to just drop in and check on her. Joan's car was in the drive, but when she knocked on the door there was no answer. She had tried peering through the living room window. The house appeared to be deserted. Walking back to her own car, she noticed that Roland's SUV was missing from the driveway. It had been parked there for months. Pamela had never known Joan to drive it ever. She wondered to herself if Roland had finally sent for it. Was Joan now sitting in the house alone and crying because yet another piece of her life with Roland had disappeared. She returned to her van and tried calling Joan on her cell. There was no answer. She wondered if she should call Claudia Joy or Denise. They always seemed to know what to do. Maybe Claudia Joy could have Michael gain access to the house just in case. Pamela decided not to let her imagination get the best of her. Maybe Joan had just gone on an errand and decided to take Roland's car because it hadn't been driven in a while. She decided to go home and call Joan again later. If she answered the phone, then she would know that everything was fine. Pamela had tried calling Joan again right before she and the kids came to Roxy's with no success. She had really begin to worry. "Pamela, what's the matter with you girl?" Pamela suddenly became aware that Roxy was talking to her. "Girl, where's your head at? I asked if Katie has a jacket. It is chilly outside." "Yeah, she's fine. Her sweater is in the car. Are you ready to go Roxy? Roxy looked at her friend suspiciously. "Pamela Moran, what's going on with you?" Pamela looked at her friend. "Roxy, I'm a little concerned about Joan. Can we stop by her house on the way to dinner? I just want to check on her." Roxy sensing the anxiety in her friends voice quickly responded, "Sure let's check it out."

Roxy and Pamela pulled in front of Joan's house. Roland's SUV had returned to its spot in the driveway. "See," said Roxy, "she must have just gone out on some errands. She's back home now and everything's fine. Do you want to go in for a minute?" Pamela thought for a moment. "No, I guess she's fine. She asked us for some space. We should respect that and give it to her. Besides, the last thing she needs is these four little monsters running wild in her house. I'll just call to make sure she's fine." "Hey good idea, besides I know of at least five people in this car who are starving and ready to eat. Am I right guys?" "YESSSSS!!" chorused all four of the children from the back seat. As Roxy stirred the car away from the curb, Pamela dialed Joan's number. After about three rings Joan answered. "Hello." "Hey Joan, it's Pamela and Roxy. We were just calling to make sure that you were doing fine." Joan looked across the room at Roland as he struggled to make sense out of directions for the new baby swing they had bought. "I can honestly say that I'm doing great." Pamela detected a joy in Joan's voice that she had never heard before. "Well, I was just concerned because I stopped by earlier and saw Roland's car was missing and." "Oh yeah," Joan cut her off, "I went baby furniture shopping today and I needed the room." "Well, if you're sure that everything is fine, I guess I'll call you later." "Sure Pamela, I'll talk to you later." Roland hearing the mention of his friends name looked up from his task with a smile. "Was that Pamela on the phone? Why didn't you tell her I was here?" Joan looked at Roland with a sly grin. "Because, I am not ready to share you yet. If I had told Pamela, then she would have told the other ladies and they would have been over here in a flash. We agreed on a whole day together just the two of us no interruptions- remember." "I remember," answered Roland with a sheepish grin. "Good then," said Joan snatching the swing's directions from his hands, "that swing is not going to build itself and this little boy or girl is coming in less than three months. I hope you'll be finished with it by then." Roland grabbed his chest as if he had been stabbed. "That hurt Joan, that really hurts." "I'm just saying the last thing you assembled around her was that book shelf in the den. It took you almost three months. I would like the baby to swing in the swing before he is two." "Alright woman, give me those directions. I'll have this swing assembled in an hour." Joan sat back and watched Roland as he studied the instructions and looked at the pieces assembled on the floor. This time she lightly reached for the paper. "Tell you what, I'll read and you build." "Teamwork, no that's what I'm talking about, we make a great team you and me." "We sure do Roland, just as long as I hold the directions. She jokingly punched his arm as he reached in for a kiss. The kiss lingered for what seemed to be an eternity until finally Roland pulled away. "Okay, no more distracting me. I need to concentrate." Joan shook her head as Roland looked blankly into the sea of swing parts scattered about the floor. Deciding to take him out of his misery, she leaned over and picked up a piece from the floor. "Here this is the piece you need. It fits right there in the base."