All Change
Chapter 4
He threw his car keys down out of sheer frustration. Kicking off his shoes, unknotting his tie and striding to the back of his empty house. The last four weeks had been hell. A disturbance to his life that he thought he'd left behind. It had made him angry.
Once he'd been a man with a purpose, he now felt lost. Once he'd been able to find a calmness, he now felt angry. Once he'd felt needed, he now felt more alone than ever. He mulled over the busy weeks gone by, not usually feeling things so intensely, but he knew what had unsettled him, though he tried hard not to dwell.
Events, as they always did with Charles had just taken over. Interrupted him again, and shifted his life and direction. He told himself it wasn't just because he had an ache in his heart ever since he'd held her so tightly, so close to him. He admitted it wasn't just because she had felt so right in his arms, a feeling he'd longed for, and though brief, he sincerely missed it. It wasn't any of those things he kidded himself in to believing, it was just because. It had nothing to do with Molly, nothing at all, it was just because Rebecca and her life had once again interfered with his. Her needs had taken over his own, and his life was put into second place.
He marched himself into the kitchen and angrily pulled open the fridge, causing its contents to rattle, grabbing a beer and drawing a long swig straight from the bottle. Pinching his nose, the headache from a mad busy day, increasing. Hoping the alcohol would help him, because he really hoped for some type of release from the pressure he was under. He'd taken on several weeks of a backlog of work to catch up from what he'd missed. Time away from the office and his mind frequently drifting elsewhere had an affect on his efficiency, both in his home life and at work.
She was never far from his thoughts. He'd played over that morning from weeks ago again and again in his head. Revisited all the conversations he'd ever had with Molly since they had come back into each other's lives, going over them a thousand times, trying to interpret what was said. What she had meant. Yet each and every time him did he came back with the same sad conclusion. A conclusion that made him sad, but powerless to do anything about. He now knew that Molly was unhappy, but even with this conclusion Charles still didn't know how to act. Sadly appreciating that it was most likely his presence in her life that had just unsettled her, made her start to question what she now had. Remembering the past through rose tinted glasses in the low times in the marriage. Knowing that no matter what the answer was he could never be the one to interfere, to force her hand, to give her the answers, but he knew he wanted to be her friend throughout it all.
He'd been unsure after their training weekend away how to deal with his feelings for Molly. Unsure how he'd cope being around her again after their one stolen moment when she had held him, and he had held her. Unsure how he should prepare himself for the next encounter, but all that preparedness, all that worry was unnecessary. Their paths didn't cross again that day, or even later. Their transport back home separate, both heading off in different directions. Meaning they'd had no opportunities to talk for weeks. Weeks for him to plan, to work out how to act around her. Weeks to help him control his feelings, but then he got the phone call and all thoughts all plans disappeared. It was a phone call that once again made him flee to Rebecca's side to help, and to put Molly back into second place in his world.
Her father, frail and elderly was unwell. Seriously unwell, and had been admitted to hospital. Charles and Rebecca's parents had remained close, John especially treating Charles with respect and thanks at the help he'd continued to give his daughter over the years. So this phone call, unlike the ones he'd received before from Rebecca, was not an urgent one demanding his help, but rather a heart breaking one telling him the bad news about her father's illness.
Charles therefore on arriving home after the exercise very quickly turned himself around and drove off to see his previous father in law. His friend. He wanted to be there, needed to be, and appreciated the call as it was to allow him time to say goodbye. Charles was surprised at the strength and calmness Rebecca showed through out it all. Something that had been sorely missing from her personality over the years. Once the final goodbyes were said Charles stayed with Rebecca and her Mum for the next several days, both women understandably upset, and depending heavily on Charles to deal with the arrangements. He'd expected the worst, expected the usual crumbling of her reserve, but it didn't happen. Rebecca remained in control of herself, and despite him taking time off work to be there for her, for Sam, for the family, he found she wasn't as dependent on him quite like she used to be in the years gone by. Rebecca was stronger than she had ever been before. It pleased him, made him feel proud of her, and what she'd achieved. He also felt a release, gave him hope.
His phone interrupted his thoughts as he lay stretched out on the sofa in the kitchen. Enjoying the quietness of the house, preparing himself mentally for the upcoming funeral. He resented the intrusion of his peace, having been in demand all day. He looked at his watch and realised the not too unreasonableness time of the night for a call.
"James. He barked out, almost too sternly.
Work colleagues knew and accepted his abruptness. Laying blame at the feet of his military years. His family knew of it too, of his sternness, and just went with it. So it didn't concern him when he realised what he'd done. Conceitedly knowing that he'd be forgiven.
There was silence, and he felt the shoots of annoyance bubbling up inside of him. He wanted peace not ineptitude.
Then suddenly a quiet voice spoke. It rocked his world.
"It's me. Molly. Sorry." She cringed as the words stumbled out of her nervous mouth.
He sat up quickly, cursing the rush of blood the sudden move caused his head to throbbed even more. Momentarily making him doubt whether the drinking with such a bad head has been such a wise move.
"Molly?" He asked. Unbelieving. He'd never spoken to her on the phone before. Never had a reason to.
"Yeah. Look sorry I can go if this is a bad time." She uttered down the line. She'd been shocked by his harshness. Unsure what she'd expected, but to be shouted at, like he used to shout in the old days, hadn't crossed her mind at all. Within those few seconds of answering she regretted calling.
"God no. Sorry." He tugged the curls on his head as he held the phone ridiculously tight to his ear with the other hand just in case he missed any of her words. Wanting to hear more from her. Hoping he hadn't scared her off.
"Sorry for snapping. I was off in another world. That was all." He explained.
"Oh. It's OK." She replied. "Haven't heard you that shouty for a long time." She relaxed a little down the line, and so did he. "So was it?" She asked.
"What?" He felt as though she'd started a conversation with him long before he'd answered. He was unsure what she meant.
"Any better than this one? The other world you was in." She half joked back walking herself up and down the empty room she was calling him from.
He shook his head, understanding now, and remembering it was the phone he was talking to her on, he said.
"No. Sadly." Then sighed. "Same old shit."
"Oh."
"You OK?" He asked. Conscious there must have been a reason for her to call. Neither of them comfortable enough to call each other without a reason.
If the truth be told it had taken her a long time to sum up the courage to call him. Doubtful as to whether it was the right thing to do. Ashamed of how she had acted around him last time they were together. Feeling guilty and disloyal to Pete, but still needing to speak to Charles again. She'd hoped to see him at training, but when he'd failed to turn up, and she regretted the missed opportunity. Doubtful if she'd ever get another opportunity, but then it came. Pete unexpectedly out for the evening, giving her the perfect excuse, leaving her alone to call him. She justified the call as a simple call to a bereaved friend, but still she felt wrong and underhand in doing it. Yet do it she did.
"I...errr just wanted to call. To say I'm sorry." She offered. "Saw Sam today for the first time in a while. He said his Grandad has died. I'm sorry Charles."
"Oh I see. Yes. That's right." Charles said, not too surprised Sam had told her. He been close to his Grandad.
"Well...I just wanted to say sorry. You know? Check you're ok in the circumstances. Offer my sympathies... and check you're OK." Molly said again. He could hear her nerves down the line. "It's hard losing a parent. Losing someone you love."
The conversation stilled for a moment as they both reflected just how true her words were to them both.
"It is. Thanks Molly, that's kind, but it was Sam's Grandad, not Granpa. Rebecca's dad not mine". Charles explained.
"Oh. Shit sorry." Shocked she'd got it wrong. That she'd just presumed. "I thought...oh well that's ok then." Then realising how bad that sounded she ploughed on. "Shit. No I mean... I'm pleased it wasn't your dad."
He laughed, and it sounded like a happy chuckle to her, as it travelled down the phone line. He realised it was the first time he'd laughed in weeks. Realised she still had the ability to do that to him. To pull him from the blackness into the sunshine.
"That's fine Molly. I know what you mean." His voice gave away the smile he now had.
"I'm still rubbish at saying the right thing...ain't I Bossman?" She asked.
"No Molly you're not. It's fine honest." He kindly replied. He'd gotten used to how her tongue ran away from her at any time, and it was one of the most endearing things about her.
"So were you close? Sam was a bit upset and that." She asked, continuing the conversation.
"Yeah. John. Rebecca's Dad, he was a good man. We got on well. He was a friend." Charles finished off with definite sadness to his voice.
"Oh. I'm sorry." She wanted to ask so much more but worried it wasn't the right time. Knew that even if it was the right time, he might not even share it with her.
Charles lay back down on the sofa. Feeling relaxed. The headache almost gone. The soothing balm of Molly and the beer finally working. He held his phone in one hand as the other settled crossed behind his head. He looked to all intents relaxed. He willing continued.
"He was a good dad too. Always there for Rebecca."
"Did you see him much.? She interrupted. The worlds came out of her mouth before she could stop them. She tried to salvage the situation. "I mean you were friends like? You'll miss him?"
"Yeah. I will Molly. I really will." He confessed. Suddenly his head ached again, as he remembered the ups and the downs he had shared with Rebecca's father. His main partner in sorting out all of Rebecca's problems. "Saw him a lot over the years. He was Sam's Grandad after all. Plus I'd still see him when Rebecca was around. He helped me a lot, especially when Rebecca moved back in."
The words hit her hard. Stunned her, and she went to her default mode of playing savagely with the ragged skin on her fingers as she clamped the phone between her shoulders and ear.
She slid slowly down the wall. Her previous pacing no longer necessary. She needed to calm herself, gain calm over the torrent of feeling his words had stirred up in her. She stayed silent for a moment too long and he wondered if she was still there.
"I…" She spoke. "I never realised you and Rebecca's got back together."
He knew now why there had been a gap in their conversation.
"Oh hell no." He drew in a big breath, all too aware she didn't know the full story of his and Rebecca's life. "We never did. We didn't. It's complicated. She was Sam's mum."
"Oh?" Was all she said.
Then silence, again.
"Anyway I best be going. Sorry. I thought it was your Dad and that and just wanted to see if there was anything I could do."
"I know. Thank you Molly. That's really kind." He sighed. Then paused. "Molly?"
"Yes Charles."
"How are you? You know, the other week…I've been worried." Events had interfered, but he should not have let them. "I should have called you….you know to see if you were OK."
"Nah. Best you didn't." She answered back. "I mean the other week. Well I shouldn't have….you know…...bit awkward and all that. Snivelling on your CO's shoulder about a bleeding domestic." Her guard was up, unsure if she wanted him to see her as weak.
"I'm more than that?" He grabbed courage from somewhere. "I mean , I'm more than your CO, aren't I Molly."
She wasn't prepared for such a personal and leading question. Unsure how she could answer it. How she could reconcile all the feelings she had swirling around her heart. So instead she stayed silent.
"I need you to know." He filled the silence. "Me and Rebecca. There was never...well we didn't...we weren't...not after the divorce." He struggled to get the important message out.
"Oh." Stupid that's how Molly thought she sounded. Only able to push single words out during this call. The girl who he knew would never shut up once upon a time. Her she was wanting to talk to him about so much more, but couldn't, and too frightened that he may not want to hear it anyway.
"I need you to know that." Charles ploughed on. "She had problems and I helped her. Still do. She'd lost everything. I couldn't sit by and watch her lose Sam too."
"Maybe." She said quietly. "Maybe. You'll tell me about it one day?" She needed to know his story before she could share her own.
He snorted out. "Yeah maybe I will. But for now Molly I just need you to know, that we were separated, divorce by the time I went on that tour. I was for all intents and purpose free."
"I know." And it was true, after all this time she knew he was nothing but a decent man, not one to prey on a scared young girl away on her first tour. She resumed her pacing around her empty sitting room. Struggling to keep the tears at bay. "I know."
His voice low and caring. It only served to allow her tears to fall.
"I would never had... never done anything... put you in that position. You know that right?"
"I know." She said hoping her voice sounded normal despite the tears that freely fell. They were falling for missed opportunities. For the past and very much for the presence.
"Besides." He continued. "We were in the middle of a war zone. It wouldn't have been right, I wouldn't have put you in that position. I had a duty of care."
"Yes. I know...it just..." She never finished.
"I need you to know, to know one important thing Dawes." He spoke over the top of her. "I cared. Cared a lot and would never have done anything that put you in harms way... professionally or...personally."
She smiled at his confession.
"Thank you Bossman. I cared too... a lot." Her voice hitched.
"Never doubt that I didn't have feelings for you then Molly. Never." He said the last words with the authority she remembered. He needed her to understand. "Had things been different ..."
He heard her catch her breath again as he said the last few words and then he halted. He knew she understood, and was unsure if that helped. Whether he'd been fair.
"Anyway Dawes. I guess you're busy." He needed this to stop, before it went too far. "Thanks you for calling. It means a lot."
"Oh. Ok then. Right." She struggled with the abruptness of it all. One moment he was confessing. Getting close to opening up, to speaking words she used to dream she'd hear from him, and then he stopped. Ended it all. She thought that if only he could see her face he'd be able to see how his words had affected her, then he may have continued. "Well right then. Take care Charles."
"Thanks Molly" He said stiffly. "You too. See you soon."
"Bye." She offered, but knew he'd disconnected the call before her last words were out.
Again her life was filled with silence and words unsaid.
As funerals went this one had been a good one. A happy one. A room full of people who remembered a good man and were thankful he had been in their lives. Charles had offered a few words in the church. Reading out a favourite poem both he and John had loved. As he had stood at the front he had watched how John's wife, daughter and grandson stood together, united in their grief, but also in their love for one another. Sam a young man the whole family was proud of supported his mother on one side and his Grandmother on the other.
"Thank you for today." Rebecca offered as she sat down next to him holding out a glass of wine for him to have. The day was coming to a close. "We couldn't have done it without you."
She sat close and leaned in to him, as she pulled her legs up on the sofa, pressing her head onto his arm. He watched her settle and accepted her closeness to him. It was something she'd always needed, physical contact, even if it was just a gentle touch from him. He was just simply grateful for them being two people who were very comfortable with each other's company. He mused, when she had her good times it could have been so easy for them to have slipped back into some type of casual relationship. Some type of relationship that plugged the gap of loneliness they had felt over the years. Rebecca had been very clear that it was something she'd have wanted on more than one occasion. Yet they didn't, Charles couldn't, and made that clear, and Rebecca just knew she shouldn't and accepted his numerous rejections to her advances. Instead Charles made sure they worked as friends and stayed only as friends. Any other relationship, slipping back into old habits he knew would have been toxic for them both. And so neither one of them chose to rock the boat, and so friends they remained.
"Your Mum asleep?" He asked as he flipped through the TV channels. Sipping his wine, casting his eye over his mobile. Half expecting, half hoping for a text, something from Molly, but nothing came. He'd been sitting on his own for a while, Sam had already left, and all he had done was think about Molly.
"Yes. Think today oddly helped her. She seems more settled." Rebecca replied.
"I guess that's what they're for." He said. "Funerals. A time to say goodbye. Mark the end, or the beginning or something like that." He trailed off.
"Guess you're right." Rebecca thoughtfully replied. "She'll miss him. I mean we all will, but when you've been married for nearly fifty years you're bound to miss them."
"Yeah. Big change. To have loved someone for that long." He mused. "Then to lose them."
They both sat and looked at the screen, neither one of them interested enough to follow what they watched. Instead both were lost in their own worlds of love, regret and goodbyes.
"I'm sorry." Rebecca finally spoke. He eyes stinging with tears. "I've never really said that before to you. But I am."
"What for he?" Mumbled through some wine. Not overly concerned with the emotional outburst he'd just heard. He'd heard many a similar one before.
"I messed up your life didn't I?" She replied.
He turned to look at her. Understanding the depth of her apology. Watching the sadness in her eyes, but also noting the control in her voice.
"After Sam. When I wasn't well. When you gave up everything for me." She sighed. "I messed up your life. From that day on wards."
"No." He held her hand looking at her. "No Rebecca. You needed me. Sam needed me. All of that wasn't your fault."
"A big part of it was, but you never gave up on me did you? Not once." She asked. "You should hate me."
" I don't, and I never will." He said firmly. "But no I guess I didn't give up on you." He smiled. "I love you, as a friend. I love Sam. I couldn't just walk away from you."
"Mmmm. But you did give up on living for you though didn't you Charles?" She smiled sadly. "I did that to you."
He had no words for her. She was right, but him telling her so wouldn't change a thing. Instead he just held her hand tighter.
"Did you ever find anyone? You know, afterwards?" She asked.
He smiled. Over the years they had shared. Shared a lot, but his love life had always been off the table for discussion. He was too private, and her needs were always too great at times to focus on his. Yet here she was stronger than he had ever seen her and she wanted to talk. She now wanted that two way dialogue that had so often been missing in their relationship over the years.
"Not really." He admitted. "Didn't try. There never was anyone."
"But I think there was once? Way back? At the start of all my shit.?" She saw him look amazed. Knowing she'd been right. "There was wasn't there? You fell in love with someone."
"How the bloody bell did you know?" He asked surprised.
"Cause I know you Charles James. I know what you're like when you're in love. Your Mum too, we knew, but we never said."
"It was complicated." He said and laughed as he'd said those words to Molly so many times when touching on Rebecca's and his story.
"Wish you had said something. Though I don't know if it would have made a difference." He continued. "You. Sam. Well I guess you just needed me more. And then by the time you didn't….. it's too late."
"Charles." She reached up and pecked his cheek. "I'm so sorry."
"I know." He accepted the peck and smiled.
He turned his focus back to the TV. She knew the signs, he'd closed off again from her. She got to stand, but then reconsidered it. Wanting to push a bit more.
"What about now?" She asked.
"What do you mean?" He asked. He had felt a wave of relief passed through him when he thought she was leaving the subject. Moving on. How wrong he'd been.
"I mean what about now? Is there someone now?" She wagged her finger at him as though he was a naughty child needing to confess.
"Yes." He said before he time to think. Caught off his guard. The words rushing out so fast that he needed to clarity them. "Well no. It's too late now any how. There can't be, not anymore."
She turned her full body to look at him. Amazed at his confession.
"Is it the same woman? Still?" Unbelieving what she was hearing.
He nodded his head.
"Bit fucking pathetic isn't it?" He asked. "To be in love all this time and to have done nothing about it."
"No." She answered: her heart sad that he'd lost someone so precious to him. "Is there no chance?"
"Most definitely not." He ran his hands across his face as though he was rubbing away the memory of her, of the day he'd just endured, or the life he'd lost. "I didn't see her for a long time, by the time I did it was too late."
"That's a shame." She offered quiet sympathies. "Are you sure though Charles? Could you not try?"
He leaned his head down, chin almost resting on his chest. Hiding his face from her.
"You've no idea how I wish it wasn't too late. That we could try again, but we can't."
"You still love her don't you." Rebecca stated quietly, but he took it as a question.
"Yes." He answered, because no matter what happened in this world he always knew that Charles James would always love Molly Dawes.
"Then it's got to be worth a try. Hasn't it?" She asked.
He shook his head.
"Why Charles?" She pressed on. "I don't understand."
"She's married." He spat out. Feeling weak and foolish in being caught in such a hopeless position.
Rebecca needed to say no more. She leaned over and gave his knees a gentle squeeze then went to leave.
She knew that it was reason enough and the strict code that Charles ran his life by would never allow him to come between another and their marriage. He was too decent a bloke for that, and if anyone should know that she should after all these years of devotion he'd shown to her and Sam. Still it made her very sad that this wonderful man had missed out because of her, because of time and because of common decency.
She'd almost made it to the door, but asked one more question.
"What was it about her that made her so special? For you to love her all this time?" She asked with a small but surprisingly bite of jealousy in her voice.
He looked at his ex wife, the person who despite it all he still called a friend.
"Her eyes. Her beautiful expressive eyes." He smiled at the thought of them. "The first time I looked into them I saw hurt. I shouted at her, belittled her in-front of her new section." What he had done all those years ago had made him uncomfortable for many reasons. "When she looked at me though it was though she saw what I could be and at the same time as seeing me for who I am.
"You're a good man Charles. She saw that." Rebecca's offered.
"Am I? I wasn't nice to her when we first met. Went out of my way to test her, to show everyone her weakness. But she never gave in. Never stopped looking at me with those eyes. She still looks at me that way." He smiled, nodding at the memory of her, even though it hurt. "Her eyes and her smile. She always used to be smiling."
"What are you going to do?" Rebecca asked.
"I really don't know." He looked at her. "Any ideas?"
"Does she know?" She continued. "I mean about how you feel?"
"No. I don't think so. I don't know." He jumped up and started to pace. "She can't. It would cause too many problems in her life."
"Would it?" Rebecca questioned.
"Hell yes Rebecca. I hurt her once." Now standing by the window. He stared outside at the spring night. Running though the last time, sixteen years ago he'd come close to totally exposing his heart. How he'd held her hand and asked her to come back to him. How he'd implied so much, but never delivered, and lost her. "I can't do it to her again."
"Then you have to let her go Charles." She'd moved up behind him now and gently placed her hands on his tense back. "For her sake, and your own."
He spun around as though her words were a revelation to him, but they weren't. He knew the truth in what she said.
"Let her go Charles, and move on. She has." She reached up and held his face, stroking it gently with her thumbs. Looking into his beautiful brown orbs that were over loaded with unshed tears.
"I know." He choked out.
"Let her go. Move on. Find someone else to love." Were her last words of advice as she left the room with one final sad smile.
He watched her retreat. She was right, it was the only way.
To have a life, to start living again he had to stop using the past as an excuse as to why he wasn't moving forward.
He had to give Molly and all thoughts of her up.