Disclaimer: Obviously, Archer and Harry Potter aren't mine. If they were I wouldn't be writing crappy fanfiction. So there you go.

The Four Houses

Cyril and Lana, in yellow and red robes respectively, stood under a tree in the courtyard. Students littered the courtyard, but the children and teens kept a clear distance from the pair except for two red heads. Identical they both peered out from behind the tree one to the left and the other to the right.

The left boy pointed towards them. "Fred, do you see that old bloke there, he's ancient and still doing having to do homework. Maybe mother is right about us needing to study more for our O.W.L.s"

Fred snickered. "Don't be ridiculous, George. There's no way he's ever done homework if he's still a first year at his age."

George smiled at his brother. "Think he'd offer us tips?"

"Hey," said Cyril. "I'll have you know I've done lots of homework in my time."

Grabbing a hold of Cyril's arm, Lana pushed herself into being between him and the twins. "Could you boys give us a moment, please?"

They looked at each other. George shrugged his shoulders, while Fred mouthed the words 'extendable ears you twit' to his brother. Both then turned towards Lana and said "Yes, mum" before strolling away.

Cyril huffed while crossing his arms. "Lana, I could have handled that."

"Cyril, you didn't even dye your hair," said Lana as she pointed at the gray streaks around his temples. "How did you expect to pass as a teenager?"

Hesitantly, Cyril touched one hand to his hair."I just... I guess I didn't think of myself as old yet." He sighed. "At least Plan A: infiltrate Hogwarts seems to be going well. Archer has been placed as the professor of Defense Against the Arts, I've managed to get into Hufflepuff and you've gotten into Gryffindor"

"What if A fails?"

"Then we'll revise our strategy. There are 25 more letters, even this group can't fu-."

"-Pam, Pam, there's a Pam in the Dungeon!" Cheryl came running out into the courtyard. Wheezing she came to a halt by the tree. "They're gonna send her to, like, Alcatraz for magic people."

Massaging her temples, Lana said, "I'm sure I'll regret asking this, but what were you doing in the dungeon?"

Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Where else would I find people to choke me? Duh."

Lana groaned and then covered her face with her hands. "And yup, there it is. The soul crushing regret."

"It's ok, we'll just break it all down to one thing at a time. We can deal with Pam later," said Cyril as he patted Lana's back in support. "For now did you complete your mission, Cheryl?"

"Oh, right yeah. Ha, I called some ratty hat poor and it put me in Slytherin," said Cheryl. "Or maybe it's because I'm rich. I'm pretty sure I own this school, there was something about there being a Tunt spot on the Hogwarts Board of Governors back when Cecil was trying to steal everything from me."

Cyril smacked his palm against his forehead. "And you couldn't have said any of this when we were deciding on where everyone would go?"

"Chh. No, It was like a long time ago." Cheryl said shrugging her shoulders. " ...Wait, I remember now. I'm 1/64th magic."

"You can't be 1/64th magic, Cheryl. You're either magical or a muggle... unless you're a squib, then you just know JK Rowling hated your guts," said Lana.

Cheryl's eyes narrowed. "I knew you wouldn't believe me. Oh, my god, It's just like the old gypsy woman said!" Gasping, she pointed at a frizzy-haired woman in the distance before waving towards her. "Hey look, there she is. Hi, Professor Trelawney!"

Across the courtyard, Professor Trelawney flinched and then waved back before exiting into the halls of Hogwarts.

Wide-eyed Lana took a step back in shock. "Wait. There actually was a gypsy woman this whole time?! ...This is making way too much sense."

Smiling Cheryl pulled a stack of papers out of her purse and began to thumb through them. "Of course it all makes sense. I did pay someone to explain this all to me before I got here, I'm not stupid. Let me see... So they're these three teens that have to save the world from evil. There are one girl and two boys. For some reason, the girl is on fire, one boy sparkles, and the other boy is made of pita bread"

Lana shook her head. "Wow, there is so much wrong with that. I don't even know where to start."

The fabric of his blue robes swished together as Ray walked up to the group."Girl, you would not believe the day I've had. I wrestled with an albino boy in the girl's bathroom and shoots were fired."

"What's wrong with you these are children!" said Cyril with a sneer.

Ray held his hands out in from of him defensively. "No, you pervert. Actual shots, the Lil' shit grabbed poor Liz. The manhandling freaked her out."

Lana sighed. "Ray, sweetie why would you have had your guns loaded? That's trigger safety 101."

Frowning Ray said, "Because I was tired of Archer calling me a pussy!" Embarrassed at his outburst, he looked away from the group focusing his eyes on the tree's roots. "...Anyway just came to report in. I infiltrated Ravenclaw after some blonde girl passed me yelling 'Ravenclaw taste the rainbow'. I've got to tell you, it's a lot less gay club and a lot more future starving artist than I thought."

"Kids are weird... Now that I think about it, where's your vagdemon?" said Cheryl.

Lana groaned."I left Abbiejean with Mallory... I know, I know. Stop giving me that look! Mallory is a monster, but given that the bad guy we're looking for only got himself in trouble by attempting infanticide I'll take my chances."

Nose crinkling in disgust Cyril pointed at Cheryl. "Do you really have to call kids vagdemons?"

Shrugging Cheryl said, "Not really, I could call them crotch gremlins or wombnuggets."

Cyril huffed. "You're going to regret calling them that when you have kids one day."

"I don't want a dream smashing jizz tumor in me!" said Cheryl.

With a heavy sigh, Cyril bowed his head. "Accidents happen Cheryl."

Cheryl smiled. "Yes, accidents do happen. Then those accidents get aborted."

Ray faked a cough. "Inappropes..."

"I think it's safe to say meeting adjourned for now. So if you don't mind there's something I need to go take care of." Lana turned away from the group. Her eyes narrowed on a thin strip of flesh colored wiring. Walking along the trail she exited the courtyard. As she rounded the corner into the hallway she spotted two familiar red head huddled together. "And now for you two."

Fred and George froze as Lana grabbed onto their shoulders from behind.

"Ack your hands. Are you a half-giant?!"

"Bloody hell!"

Snickering Lana released the pair. "What, did you think you were being subtle with the whole mouthing words thing. I'm a spy, I can read lips."

Wiping the imaginary dust off his robe Fred turned towards his brother. "Blimey, 007 at Hogwarts. I bet she has a license to kill. "

"With that level of subtly? I doubt she even has a learners permit," said George, snickering.

"Yes, yes, very funny boys." Lana nudged to cord with her foot. "Now would either of you care to explain what this is?"

George flinched at the sound of the cord dragging against the stone floor."Don't break it! It's a survivor of mum's 3rd Extendable Ears purge."

"A little invention of ours, we call them Extendable Ears. They let the user listen in on conversations in the distance," said Fred, picking the gadget up.

Lana eyed the small device. She did have several sound amplifiers with her, but a local device would be preferable for the sake of at least trying to stay undercover."Fine. I'll let you keep your toy on one condition. If I say I need one of your gadgets, you'll lend me whatever it is I need."

Fred and George glanced over at each other and then both smiled.

George reached forward to shake hands. "Deal. Does this make us honorary spies then mum?"

Taking George's hand, Lana's lips twisted into a half-smile. "Stop calling me mum and you can be honorary spies."

" Sweet," said Fred as he and his brother fist bumped. "...Just promise me we'll both live. I've been reading a bit more lately and noticed being a twin is like being a dog in an award winning book. 'Two Hearts Beat As One', 'Among Others', 'Identical', 'Hidden Warrior', 'The Lying Game', 'The Summer King', 'The One Left Behind' and uh-"

"-'The Ice Twins'," said George.

Fred nodded. "Right, that one too and that's just a few. It's been making me paranoid."

Looking away from the brothers, Lana gave a thoughtful hum. That wasn't something she could say truthfully. "I promise to do my best to make sure you two boys stay alive."

High-fiving his brother, George said, "This is going to be a great year: Lana the Half-Giant and the Twins Who Lived!"

Closing Theme Plays