Addict
Part 4- WITHDRAWAL
R-M
Sorry this took a while. I decided to make this chapter longer, so I extended on it. I
worried about Bonnie's POV changing the perception of the story but honestly, all will be revealed by the time the story ends, with her anyways. We are Back to Damon's POV, and I'm hoping that you enjoy the chapter. :)
I think I waited a total of five nights... no, maybe a week, before I realized all of the things I possibly did wrong when it came to the midnight woman. Number one, of course, I committed inappropriate acts more than once, for her display. Not, for her... but, coincidentally, displayed simultaneously while she was in plain view. Two, I showed interest. As aloof, as I was, and felt, I still asked questions. Not only about her but her dog. I allowed her to believe, I was interested, which showed general care or concern. Number three, I objectified her, when I fucked Elena in the window, while watching her. I turned her into an object of lust. Of course, at the time I had no idea, she was tortured the way I was. Number four, I showed signs of jealousy. Telling her I didn't like her dogs name, and asking questions about this man, and wondering if she loved still. Number five, I showed desperation for her. My need and greed were increasingly demanding, as I couldn't let her out of my sights, for even a second to go back to him. Number six, I gave her the false hope that I could be better than him. I came in at a moment she was weak, and I knew she was weak. I heard her words, as she yelled at him. I listened to her cries, and comforted her. I was a shoulder to cry on, and when she was at a moment of absolute weakness, I targeted her, and went in for the kill. I fed on every last bit of her utter need for me, and I ate it up. I swallowed it whole... I swallowed- her whole. I let her make me feel absolute hope, and then finally, number seven... I let her down. I took the one thing I could take from her, that she wanted to give me, and left it in the air... without so much as an afterthought on how I was making her relapse.
And now, I'm tortured by having every waking thought of her. I'm tortured by how much I want her, and don't have her, and at this point... will probably never have her, after the mess I've made.
...
Tuesday Therapy - A few weeks later
...
My therapist stare at me, like I was a new man. Therapists are confusing. They speak, and ask questions, and focus their practice on remaining neutral. But, once in a while, a smirk, a forehead wrinkle in confusion, or even an eyebrow raise, reminds you, how you're such a work in progress. You begin imagining that your worth is determined through these sessions. It's an individual interpretation. Therapists can't control the way our minds work, thus they attempt to help us understand ourselves better through scientific analyzation.
Today, she looked at me, and gave me a milestone stare. I didn't even realize what I had done right or wrong. I just slowed down and stopped speaking. She took a few notes and smiled.
"Damon, I'm really confounded by your personal growth over the past month. Really the past couple of months, but most recently. In the past month, you've experienced and demonstrated, maturity in regard to your personal relationship outlooks."
"Seriously? I feel like I sound like a lost puppy. Like a sap. Like a guy whose shiny ruby was taken away, from him."
"You used to speak often and frequently about your need for sex. Then about five months ago you came to me, feeling lack of connections. You didn't know what to make of it. It confused you, that you even noticed. Then about two to three months ago, you had started making personal connections with women. Not multiple women. A couple of them. First, the Elena. Then, after that wasn't what you'd realized you needed. You were finding what was and wasn't working for you. Now, you speak about a profound connection that's touched you to the point of... having not spoken of sex importance in a month, and in the past two sessions, you didn't even say the word sex. The most frequently used word by you in recent weeks, deep connection, emotional attachment, vulnerability, building trust. Do you realize this?"
"I didn't notice." I'm aware my motives seem different. I feel differently. I didn't ask for this. I'm just, trying my hand at wanting to feel normal, now I guess. I don't tell the therapist this. She will over analyze it, and I just want to keep some of my uncertainties to myself. I can't give all of me away.
"Damon, you're opening yourself for the possibility of a committed relationship."
"I don't want to commit to anyone else."
"Anyone else?"
"I said that wrong."
"No, you didn't. Elaborate, please." At this point I have to sigh, because I walked into this trap. And, so be it... I may as well at least say a few things about it. Here goes.
"I committed to someone, years ago. She used to cheat. I was young, and stupid, and allowed her to hold me with sex. Our relationship became, just sex. Only sex. I thought sex and love were equal at one point in time. Until, I realized she was still having sex with other men. I stayed with her for about three years of this."
"Damon, you show classic signs of someone damaged by previous relationship trauma."
"I don't like blaming things on my past."
"Our past shapes us, and lays the ground work for our decision-making patterns as we age."
"Well, after a lot of thinking and forced reality checks, I have accepted who she was, and what we were. I'm long over this previous relationship, and do not wish to talk about it." I rub my sweaty palms over my jeans. That was actually hard for me to do. "So, do I have any assignments for the week?"
"Yes. I want you to try doing one thing out of your comfort zone. But I'll let you pick what it is this time. Remember, the merit of what you choose should offer you some positive outcome and be something beneficial to your growth. You are doing so well."
I left my therapy session, feeling at ease. I am still completely backed up sexually. But this is how it has to be for now. I feel like someone who quit smoking cold turkey. I almost can't breathe some nights, because it's been a part of me for so long.
...
Wednesday
...
A month of no Bonnie, is a month I never wanted to see, from the moment she trapped me in this maze of a mind of mine. Was I wrong to stop it? Should I have given in, to my dire hunger for her, and took her body right there, against that tree? I've asked myself this repeatedly for weeks, going back and forth in my head. And even though, I remember that moment, before almost fucking her vividly, how much I wanted to be inside of her becoming one flesh... the part that stays with me most, has. Nothing to do with sex. The things that remained on repeat in my mind, I printed like her smile on a sunny day are basic, and complicated at the same time. There is, the smell of her skin. The hope in her eyes. And the aggressive beating of her heart, when her chest was pressed against mine. Those three things stay with me every day.
I did what my therapist said, and I stopped making it sexual. Even if, I'm a sex addict, and even if I think about sex all of the time, it doesn't mean, that when I see her, I can't see more than just my appetite for touching her. I also see, fear. And that fear, is so intriguing to me, because I'm afraid too. And quite possibly, I'm more afraid of her, than she is of me. She always sees me, when I don't want her to. And now, I'm looking for her, and she is nowhere in sight.
I really messed up. I interfered, acting to make her feel something, she deserved, and when it came down to it. I cut her, deep. I cut her with a knife, to the chest, and it was unforgivable. I realize this. But when two people are drowning, how can they save each other?
...
Thursday
...
Motorcycle.
That sound scratched my ear all of four weeks. But today is the fourth day of not hearing it. And I talked myself out of knocking on her door the last three days. I talked myself out of putting myself out there. But, today, I have to take my chance. I'm out of my comfort zone for the next five minutes, and I'm taking myself next door and knocking on her door. Literally, as I speak. I'm walking up her driveway and towards her stairway and front door. My fist is tightening, readying my knuckles for this horrible sound, that should untwist the knots in my stomach. At least I'd hope it would, but it doesn't.
After I knock, I wait for her to open the door.
I can feel my heart beat through my chest until she's face to face with me after opening the door and not even looking surprised. Almost as if nothing happened between us. Almost as if, I didn't affect her. She smiled as if we'd just spoken yesterday. "Damon, hi."
"Bonnie... hey." I pause a minute. My sweaty palms run together, then against the thigh of my jeans.
"Everything okay?"
"Yes." No, it's not. I'm lying.
"How have you been?" She asked me before I asked her, and it felt awkward, since I came to visit her.
I think I'm about to ramble, of course, I'm about to ramble. "I want to tell you I've been okay. Most days, I tell myself I am. But I'm a liar. Because I think about you every single day. And, for the past month, I haven't seen you. Not even in passing. I'm really not confused by why, but I'm bothered by it."
"I'm sorry. I picked up a second job. I work nights, a couple days a week."
"Oh." I sighed. "Where?"
"I'm just kidding. Geez, Damon. Sometimes you're so dry." She laughed at my flatlined responses.
"Sorry. I just... I haven't seen you. And, I wanted to tell you, that for a few weeks, seeing you was the highlight of my day. Whether or not we spoke, I just became happier seeing you. Your laughter, when you play fetch. Your tears, when you go out there sometimes on very overcast days, and cry. Your naked body when you swim at night."
Her smile disappeared from her face, and she looked like Zozo had been hit by a car. I'd embarrassed her, and it didn't bother me, because I was a straight shooter. "Damon, our relationship if that what you wanna call it, got really weird, really fast."
"Relationship?" I laughed, because my therapist used that word in the beginning when I spoke about Bonnie, and it confused me. But, in this moment, my laughing may have come off as insensitive. But we all know my emotions tend to be misplaced. She didn't find it as amusing.
"Anyways, I gave you space, because you needed it."
"What?"
"You said, you weren't in a good place, and that I deserved better, then a guy like you."
"It was true."
"I've moved forward, and on, from the little... mistake we made."
"Little mistake?" She was really harsh for an easy-going person, if she wanted to be. This side of her, to have yet to see.
"Or big mistake. And I'm not a clingy girl, like what's her face. I can take a hint."
"There was no hint there. I felt, the moment was heated, and I couldn't do that to you, when you were emotional." It was the only thing that made sense to say. "I'm here, because my therapist told me to come out of my comfort zone and do something I wouldn't normally do. I've sat on what this for two days, dredging up the courage. I decided to come out of my house and be honest with you."
"I appreciate that your therapist made you do this." She said sarcastically, and it didn't go unnoticed even when she tried to play it off. "But, Damon, right now isn't a good time." I could tell she was in the middle of something, possibly waiting for him, and I needed to know what their situation was.
"Are you back with him?" Damn, I'm doing the jealousy thing again.
"It's complicated."
"I don't think it is. I think, you can open up to me, and I can be here for you." I'm know I'm reaching. And I don't feel her reaching back, and this is the feeling of rejection I was always afraid of.
"You're really funny. But, I can't entertain the sudden bout of courage, Damon. I'm not a toy, or an experiment, okay? He's on his way here." She tried to close the door, and I stopped it.
"Does he know about us? Our connection..." She could be dismissive, and say there is no us, nor a connection. But if I know her the way I think I do, she won't say that, because so far, there has been no disconnect between us.
"No, he doesn't."
"He doesn't know how you swam naked every night, and let me watch you? Does he know you let me watch your wet, naked body every night?" I was becoming intense, I could feel my temples throbbing.
"Who said I did that for you?"
"I know you did. You put on a show for me. You tortured me."
"I remember, you fucking the same woman over and over, in your window. Talk about torture."
I laughed, because it doesn't matter what I say, she retorts. "And you said I made you regress, tell me what you meant."
"It's not a good idea for me to divulge on my transgressions while Lorenzo is on his way."
"Why did you stop swimming every night?"
"I swam to cope. It helped me to cope with a particular high stress factor in my life."
"Which is?"
"Lack of sex, Damon. I swam naked to replicate the same feeling I got from sex. I was celibate for five months."
"Was?"
"Yeah. Was."
"Wow." I had nothing to say because those words made me feel like I got shot in the chest. "He doesn't deserve you. Or your body."
"He's trying to change."
"Do you believe that? Or do you tell yourself that?"
"Says the guy who had a relationship with a woman who didn't deserve him."
"She was never my girlfriend."
"What are you getting at, Damon?"
"Why do we ignore what happened that night? The night, I had sex with her, physically, but it was with you in my mind. It was you, that I wanted... not her. And her body was there, my body was there, but my mind wasn't. You've taken my free will from me Bonnie, I think about you, all the time, and that night... things got complicated, but, then it all stopped." I looked at her and she looked different. The everyday optimism was gone. The glimmer in her eyes was gone. Her smile was still electrifying, but it didn't spread across her face the way it used to. He's draining of her, since coming back into her life.
"I can only speak for myself, Damon. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I gave you space and let you be."
"Your body tortured me for nearly three weeks. I watched you every night and you knew it. I stood in my living room, and waited for the moment you would walk outside. Seeing you naked was such beautiful imagery for me."
"You, seeing me every night was a mistake." It came out harsh, but I could tell she didn't mean for it to. She started out angry, but calmed down. "But, once you did see me-"
"What? Tell me?" Then I calmed down.
"I didn't want to stop, letting you see me."
"Why?"
"I don't know, Damon. Somehow... I needed that feeling. A man like you... watching me. It felt, like..." I waited for her to tell me why, because, it would feed my ego in a grand way. And, I would've eaten it up. "It felt like sex. And... at that point, I hadn't had sex in so long... it was exactly what I needed."
"If sex is what you wanted-"
"No, Damon, stop. I made a mistake, and I'm sorry for inserting myself into your life in such a boundary pushing way."
"I'm not bothered by it, Bonnie. Insert yourself." I smiled.
"Damon..." she smiled back at me. "I shouldn't have been thinking about sex, and you shouldn't have been watching me, while you were having sex with her. You're reckless. What am I supposed to do with that? Damon, a month ago, on that beach I had been celibate for five months. It took months to get there. Seven months before that was weeks of trying and then failing. And I hadn't been brought so close to the point of no return until that night. When you rejected me, I had to fulfill that need. He was there."
"Bonnie... The fact is, no matter how much, I appreciated, seeing your beautiful body, I still didn't just think about sex. I felt something different, when I saw you naked. You became my muse."
"Don't say that, Damon. You don't mean it."
"I'm completely serious. Listen to me, Bonnie. Your body gave me life. There was so much story behind every curve, every inch of your skin. Your silhouette is branded into my brain." She tried to hide the fact that her eyes were watering. She tilted her head to the side and subtly wiped with her over grown sleeves. "Does he tell you, how your body makes him forget about all other women? Because, for me your body has shut my brain off to every other woman's body. It's not sexual, as much as I'd love it to be. But, I'd give up casual sex with all of the random women in the world, just to see you swim naked every night." She quickly wiped her eyes, but the tears, were cascading uncontrollably.
"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She was mixing the emotions of anger and sadness, and I could tell she didn't know which one she should be using.
"Because... if he's coming here, you should know what you do to me. You make me want to be a better man, Bonnie. You bring out the creativity in me. Not just your swimming naked, but your polite optimism, when I clearly don't deserve your kindness. The first picture I took of you, was-"
"You took a picture of me?"
"I've taken plenty, without sounding like a stalker. Not, when you were naked. But when you sat on your porch, the day you moved in. Your hair was in a bun and you wore a sweater off the shoulder sleeve. It was an overcast day and you just looked out at the neighborhood, and this calm energy just shifted inside of me, because of you. You looked at peace. And every day since you moved in, I noticed the smile of a hopeful woman, which lit my soul on fire."
She forced her emotions inside, but I could feel how she wore her heart on her sleeve. "I'm actually a mess, Damon. I have to try really hard to be the peace, I wish I had in my life."
"That glow is gone. Today, seeing you for the first time in weeks, and I already feel a shift in your energy. It's not the same." He was pulling her peace out of her, and trying to lock her into his mind games. I could feel it. "I know firsthand how draining the need for acceptance can be. Especially, when the person you love or care for deeply, is the one draining you of life. So, I'll leave you with this, I can't stop thinking about you, and my first and favorite image of you, with a bun in your hair and your beautiful shoulder hanging out of your shirt, showcasing your delicate neckline. The way you scrunch your face when you want to disagree with me, but don't. And how your lips are shaped like a heart, and your smile, is slightly crooked on one side, but, how much that smile drives me absolutely crazy. And last but not least, I loved how after swimming naked every night, you sat in your living room, and read a book." At this point she didn't realize tears were dripping down her cheeks. She stood there frozen. "When he comes over, just do me a favor, and ask him what he loves about you?"
"Love doesn't exist without pain. It's an emotion lost in lust and tangled in hate."
I took to her crying face, and used the pads of my thumbs once again to wipe her tears. I grabbed her face, and just held her and stare at her. She had the audacity to look down. "Look at me, with those beautiful rare shade of green eyes." She looked up. "I've never done this before. I'm an introvert, to the highest degree. You pulled me out of my shell, without trying, and made me do something spontaneous for you, knowing full well you can reject me. But, you, Bonnie... are worth the rejection. Not all love is driven by lust, or fueled from hate. Maybe I'm not fully aware of what it means to love you, yet. But, I'm willing to explore, what it means to fall in love with you, the way you deserve to be loved."
"Damon, why are you doing this?"
I pushed her into his arms. I, unknowingly, contributed to something, I didn't mean to. And she unknowingly broke me. I hear his motorcycle coming from around the corner. "I don't regret being honest with you, Bonnie. You're worth honesty, and you're worth loyalty. You deserve that." I began walking away from her, with no anger inside of me towards her, but some towards myself. I want her to be happy, because for the first time… a woman's happiness matters to me.
She called out to me, and it gave me a glimmer of hope.
"Damon. I think you're my soulmate. For what it's worth." The motorcycle got closer and closer, and I took a chance not caring about him and his bike. I walked back to her, and made a request. I gently gripped her neck in the palm of my hand, and pulled her ear to my lips.
"The next time he touches you, think of me."
"I already do."
It feels right. I kissed her lips, let her face go gently, and headed home.
I knew, in my mind, she would never be able to go back to being same woman after that. Call me selfish if you will. Whether she spoke to me ever again, I left an imprint on her brain.
...
Later that night, after his bike interrupted my peace, and he'd been there a few hours, I decided to watch them, interact. I head out to the back of my house and sit in the dark. They seemed calm and they weren't sitting near each other. She on her favorite side of the couch with a book, and he is sitting, and looking bored out of his mind watching tv. I sat there about twenty minutes before they interacted. Some words dryly exchanged and then he stood up and rubbed his hands in his hair impatiently. I could tell he was upset, because his body language became very animated. She just sat there with her book listening to him. Glasses on face, bun in hair, off the shoulder sweater. I could literally kiss her right now.
His anger carries him to the back porch where he angrily opens the door and storms out letting off a loud growl with his face palmed. "Your bloody impossible!" He yells. It's certain that he's the lack of peace in her life, the face she had when she got here, the first day was the face of a woman who left her pain behind. He brought it back to her. He keeps yelling from outside and she's inside. "I give a fuck about what you interpret from my actions. I'm here aren't I? I could be with a number of women tonight. Instead I'm here with you, once again being questioned on my humanity." I saw her stand up and walk towards the door. She said something quietly, I couldn't hear her. Then he yelled again, "I don't give a fuck about your neighbors! Let them hear me."
She closed the door, and he opened it back up, stormed out and yelled. "I'm claustrophobic in this fucking atmosphere, while you read your book, and sit quietly. What am I supposed to do with that?"
She walked outside, to calm him. "Lorenzo, please stop. You did this at my last place. Stop being so psychotic."
"Psychotic? If I'm psychotic, it's because you are fucking impossible." She walked back inside and disappeared, for a minute before coming back with his phone.
"Unlock it."
"What?"
"Unlock this phone. Prove to me you are here for me, and not just so I can break my celibacy for you."
When I heard that I stopped breathing. Thank God. She hadn't had sex with him, yet. I was amazed. She held herself together well, and for a man coming around for a month, I'll admit, I'm unsure of his motives. Most men wouldn't stick around for lack of sex.
"I'm here and that's all that matters, isn't it?"
"No, Lorenzo. That's not all that matters. Do you even love me?"
"Of course, I do."
"Why? do you love me?"
"You've tortured me for three or four years. We're practically family."
"What a piss poor excuse. What do you love about me?"
"Your beautiful."
"Beautiful? That's a really lazy way to describe me. Put some effort in here. Millions of men tell millions of women they are beautiful. Tell me reasons, you love me. Reasons, that make me different from the women in this phone." I remember giving her the reasons earlier, and it goes to show she really listens to me.
"This is ridiculous."
"No. It's what I need. My soul is reaching out for a reason to keep you in my life this time, and you are giving me nothing."
"You want a reason? Fine. Sex. Mind blowing sex. You're nearly boundless with sex. You have no boundaries. You let me do whatever the fuck I want to you, and you accept it. You are great at sucking a cock, and riding a dick, and most importantly... are you ready for this... you prefer sex over love. You're a fucking sex addict. I love that about you. You used to hate this bullshit. You used to just want to fuck everyday... four times a day. You were purely a fantasy. And I had you all to myself. Then you became selfish and started withholding sex."
She was wiping tears and looking towards the sky. "Did it ever occur to you, that I didn't want to be your fantasy? That I wanted actual acceptance, and love?"
"Your therapist feeds you that bullshit! Did that ever occur to you. You're being brainwashed."
"Did it occur to you, I'm not who you think I am?"
"It occurred to me that the night we met, we had sex, and everyday thereafter, we repeated that pattern for three years until you magically grew a brain, and developed feelings." I could kick his ass right now. He's such a dick. But, many women maybe feel the same way about me. "You know what connected us, we are sex baby. You and I, are a fucking train wreck when it comes to love. We fight all of the time. But make up sex, this is us." I'm more astonished than the last time that he manages to keep her in this tight grip. But mental abuse is pattern, that she's probably accepted from an early age, and no one, has allowed her to feel like she was more than her body. I want to pick her up and run away with her right now. I want to tell her she's better than that, and I want to show her, what it's like to be more than her body.
"I'm sick of make-up, sex. I want to be made love to. Do you know what that means?"
"I can't do that."
"I'll give you one more chance to tell me, something about me that you love."
"I love the view of your back, when your bent over. And I love hearing the sound my balls make when they slap against your pussy." At that point, it was long overdue, but she smacked him.
SMACK!
He stood there and laughed at her. "I hate you."
"You don't hate me, and I'll show you why." He pulled her inside by the arm and slammed the door shut. I couldn't hear them anymore, but I could see them. He threw her on the couch and pulled off her pants, her body was facing me, and he knelt down before he spread her legs, and put his face between her thighs. I sat directly up, I was angry and intrigued at the same time, but not in a good way. My body was heating up. My fist tightened, and I could break a fucking wall. He uses her weakness against her to keep her around. I know this feeling. I remember his feeling. I was her years ago. It's what happens when pain, and emptiness, meet in the middle. Overwhelming you in a motion confusing it with love. She stuck around for years dealing with this pattern of mental abuse. Verbal abuse. Hell, this is borderline coercion. I want to go ever there and destroy everything about him that demeans everything about her. I want to kill him, with my bare hands, in front of her, and pray it makes her pain disappear. But it won't. Believe me I know. Nothing makes you forget, how they made you feel. Ever.
I look up, and she's crying in pleasure, and her brain is tricking her body into enjoying this, because, it's torture. She's pulling his hair, and squirming. The breathing, the crying... I see it all, like a dagger in my chest, as I watch myself die inside seeing another man touch her. Seeing her enjoy his power in such a way, is so gut-wrenching, I finally understand what it did to her, to see me have sex with crazy, burnt eggs, bridal magazine girl. And he's not even fucking her, he's just eating her pussy. But she loves it, and it's her weakness, I feel her weakening to his overbearing power.
Her body, her mannerisms. She's a victim to her sexual circumstance. And in the wrong moment, I'm finding jealousy in his lips. I'm sickeningly jealousy of how he's allowed to touch her and know her body. Remember I still have this sickness inside of me. I'm not perfect, and if only I could make her feel pleasure, she wouldn't need him. She wouldn't need to cry in pain, but strictly pleasure. I'm trying to train my mind to think differently about these things, but it's not that simple. And I'm tortured, seeing her so vulnerable.
She's about to cum, I can see it, she's breathing erratically. She's saying yes repeatedly, I'm reading her lips. She even said oh my God. And now, as I look at her, I ask myself- Why am I torturing myself? I don't want to see her cum, from another man's pleasure and just as I get up, he stops. Her entire face is in shock. Why did you stop? What are you doing? She asks. He pulls her up by her arm, and she shakes her head no. They start arguing. He becomes rough with her, and she's fighting him now.
I'm fighting with myself. It to be involved. It's taking everything in me. It's not my business, I should stop watching. She deserves more than this. But I can't make her want me, and I can't watch her want him. Suddenly, the commotion and struggle change from verbal to a hundred percent physical. I hear a loud thump as I head inside, and when I turn to look, her body is against the glass. She starts waving her arms, around and hits him again repeatedly, pushing him, pointing her door. I think she's trying to make him leave, but he looks at her like he wants to scare her, and, I know he's not about do, what I think he-
SLAP!
He hit her.
He back handed her, threw her on the couch, and now he's unbuckling his pants. She kicks him in the dick. He falls to the floor, but doesn't stay down long before he leaps for her body. Her face is in pure fear. He's on top of her, and she's fighting him, and I blacked out, after that.
...
It's midnight, and she's not outside swimming naked, and I'm not next door, wishing she was. I'm sitting here, holding ice over her face. I don't know what happened from the time I flew off my back porch and got here, but he obviously hit her once or twice more. I told her to call the cops, then I kicked his ass. When the cops showed up, they had to pull us off each other. It was a shit show, and they almost arrested me, believing I was the perpetrator, since it looked like he'd taken the beating of his life. But she stopped them from cuffing me, and explained what had happened.
Now, I'm here with her, and there's nowhere else, I'd want to be.
"Has he ever hit you before?"
"No."
"You didn't deserve that."
"I don't care about that."
"What? You should. He raised his hand to you. You are a woman. He's supposed to protect you."
"I don't mean, I didn't care about him hitting me. I'm more disappointed that he tried to take a piece of me tonight, that I'd held onto for almost six months. And that I trusted him enough, to invite him back into my life."
"You're human, Bonnie." She sat next to me on the couch. The very couch he'd try to gain all his power back over her. "I apologize for watching you."
"Why? I've watched you. I guess you and I are a couple of masochists." She laughed. Her laugh was short lived when she thought about her situation. "I can't believe I invited him back in my life again."
"Minor setback. Now you have a restraining order filed, and you have every reason, to leave him at a distance."
"A day in the life of me. It's almost comical."
"Why is that?" I stare into her face, mostly at her lips, which she was biting. Her hair was wild from the commotion a while ago. She sat next to me and we face each other on her couch, one of her legs bent up, and her elbow propped onto it, so she could lean her face onto her hand. My hand was holding a bag of ice on her face.
"Because, there goes the neighborhood."
I push her hair out of her face, and grab it, with the opposite arm, on the other side of her head, and pull it to one side. I remove the ice and look at the swelling which has gone down. "Why did he become violent, in that moment?"
"Because, he said, he could tell I had someone else, by the way I was arguing with him. I looked at him differently, he thought. He brought me to the edge of climax with oral sex... he stopped me before I came, and told me if I wanted to cum, and not suffer in pain, I had to break my celibacy. I told him I couldn't. He asked, who the guy was? Who's the guy who making me question his love? I didn't answer him. So, he told me he'd find out one way or the other, and I told him to leave. He pushed me against the glass and told me to make him leave. I tried hitting him and pushing him out the door, and from there, it escalated. You were at my backdoor less than a minute later."
When she spoke, she spoke slowly, and carefully. Her lip was busted, and swollen. She tried to remain the ball of light she always is. Smiling, through some sort of hidden pain. I decided it was a good moment to ask about her celibacy, I was tired of leaving things to chance, waiting for results. I had to know her, and why she is who she is. "So, he thinks a man, is the reason you questioned him? He's very insecure."
"He's really possessive."
"You mentioned you were celibate? Was that you're entire relationship?"
"No. Just the very end. We moved very fast from day one. We were intensely sexual. In every sense of the word. I had granted him access to my body whenever he wanted it. I loved him. But..."
"But, what?"
"Oh, nothing. It's a long embarrassing story. Unrepairable, and painful. But in the end, I chose to want to feel something deeper. Even, though for me, sex is really deep and meaningful, the meanings I attached to it, weren't the same as his. He used my weakness against me, and... I let him, because I thought it was love. But, that's all I can really say. Without detailing our awful moments. Maybe... one day, I can tell you. But, not now. You'd think differently of me."
"I could never think differently of you. And just so you know, I don't mind hearing your long story someday. Whenever you're ready." She spread her heart shaped lips in a small smile, then winced at the pain. It drew me back to the swelling on her face. How could a man hit her? How could a man hit a woman?
"You don't want to hear the stories. Believe me."
"I want to hear, as much as you'll tell me."
"Mr. Blue eyes... tell me, why you're in therapy."
"Ahh. Nah. That's a story best reserved for another time." Truth is, I would love to talk to her about it, because she and I share this in common. But she is unaware I heard her conversation, and until she feels safe enough to open up, I'd rather not scare her away with my masochistic need for sex.
"I see. I don't divulge, so you don't?"
"No, that's not it. I just... I guess, I'm not your average Jack."
"And I'm not your average Jill."
"You aren't an average anything. And, he couldn't see it. So, he doesn't deserve you."
"Did you mean those things earlier, that you said about me?"
"I meant every word."
"I'm celibate, Damon. I have been for about six months."
"I haven't had sex for four weeks. So that makes me, celibate a month now." The sound of the words coming out of my mouth were near ridiculous. Not because it was impossible, but because I could barely believe it. "The night you saw her, was the last sexual encounter. We didn't have sex. I stopped it."
"That's awfully strong of you."
"I was just tired of settling. And at this point... I won't allow myself to." I could see that although she seemed interested in learning more about my past, her eyes were getting heavy. Which was good, because I had no time explain my rotten ways tonight. I pulled her body into mine and held her until she fell asleep. Her hand crawled up my chest, and held my shirt between her fingers. She played with the material until she was softly breathing. I got up, and carried her to her bedroom, hoping to cover her peacefully and leave without waking her.
After I lay her down, she grabbed my hand. "Please don't leave me, tonight. I'm still a little shaken. I don't want to be alone." She scooted over, and patted her bed, for me. "Please."
"Of course, if it's what you really want."
"I do."
And I got on bed next to her, held her, in my arms until the sun rose. That was probably the most I'd ever felt I belonged somewhere. The moment she needed me, I wanted nothing more, than to be what she needed. Once again, the hope was in her eyes. The smell of her skin was in my nose. And the heavy beating of her heart, while her chest lay against mine is present.
Home.
She's my safe place. She's the place I feel whole.
...
The Next Day
...
We woke up a few hours later, before the sun came up, around four am. It was very awkward, because morning wood is a thing. And no matter how natural it is, when you're in bed with a woman you're not sexual with, or is purely platonic, it's an embarrassing conversation starter. Luckily, I turned my body before she noticed it, and my jeans made it a painful reminder of how I'd gone a month without feeling a pussy hugging me. I hunched over her bed.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, just... where's your bathroom?"
"Oh, uh, right there next to the closet. You okay?"
"Yup... just, been holding my pee since sometime yesterday." I lied. Men can hold pee forever. I jumped up and went inside of her bathroom locking the door. Is that a bathing suit? Fuck. I hardly remember she'd owned one. She's always naked. Fuck. I'm picturing her naked. I breath, deeply three times. I should be fine. I just need to pee, and it should gradually go down.
As a man, with morning wood, we usually can jump in the shower and pee, but this isn't my house, and I need to just figure this shit out. My dick is at attention and won't aim to the toilet.
I have no choice. I have to try to rub this out. Fuck my dick, with a mind of his own. He is spoiled, he wants pussy. He isn't about the palm life. I'm trying... to imagine her swimming nude, and I'm just, at a loss for thoughts, because I'm so embarrassed, and nothing is making it happen.
"Damon, you okay? You need to take a shower or something?"
"Uhh, ya know, why don't you go back to sleep, Bon. I'm good."
"You want to run in the ocean?" She asked. The beach, that might work. Maybe if I just go jump in the water.
"Are you going for a swim?"
"I usually go at night. But, it's still dark out... sun's not quite up yet."
"Okay sure." I'm assuming she knows what's going on so, I pull my shirt off, and hold it over the front of my pants. I think, I should be good, if I walk out slowly.
I head out of the bathroom, and she's naked.
She's. So. Fucking. Naked. Celibacy. Is. The. Devil.
I just stare.
"I'm sorry. I thought you'd give me a heads up before you came out. Can you hand me my towel?"
She has no issues being naked. She's standing there. And in typical disgusting man fashion, I'm salivating over her anatomy. Her breasts are a perfect B. Her hips spread like a butterfly's wings. But I know, If I look at her pussy, I might explode. "Bonnie, you're naked." I cleared my throat.
"That's how this works. I swim naked. It helps."
"Helps who? Not me."
"It helps the process. I'm a sex addict Damon. Swimming in the nude, helps me to release the endorphins that I release during sex. It's really a coping mechanism, and it helps me. I'm assuming you're embarrassed because of your boner."
"Boner, that's so juvenile." I quickly take a step back as she walks towards me. She shouldn't come to close, because I can feel myself, spreading her legs, like a wildfire. "What are you doing Bonnie?"
"Relax, Damon." She said, while she unbuckled my pants. "Just allow your body, to relax with mine."
"Easier said than done." My heart rate is increasing, I'm sure, an unhealthy amount of BPM, and she keeps going until, she's pulled my pants past my hips. My dick hits her in the stomach, and I think, I want to erase my existence, because, a month ago, I'd be fucking her. But today, I'm an adolescent mess, and she's also reckless as fuck. Please do t let me cum on her stomach.
Luckily, I'm not ashamed of my naked self, I'm just ashamed of what I'm thinking at this very moment, and I won't even allow my brain to transmit my thoughts into concise words, because I'm so ashamed for how the brains of the male species works at this very moment. I can smell her. She has this, particular smell, that I love. Her skin... is addicting.
"I'm helping you through my process okay? Don't look at my naked body, if it makes you uncomfortable. Just look in my eyes." So, I trained my thoughts to look beyond her naked body. It was one of the hardest things I'd had to do. And I find myself saying that and thinking that a lot when it comes to her. She's challenged me, beyond measure, and right now, I, a sex addict, stand before her, a sex addict, naked, hard, horny, and ignoring every single one of my natural instincts, to pin her to the wall, and fuck her.
But, apparently this is growth... maybe.
Well, definitely dick growth whichever way you look at it.
"Are you breathing, Damon?"
"No, I'm not. Actually." She giggled at me, and then did one of the sexiest things. She stood on her tippy toes, and kissed my cheek. Which didn't help my condition, but it made me feel supported.
"If it makes you feel better, I can't look down at your erection. It'll probably trigger me, and my celibacy will be none-existent."
"That's okay, right?" I asked jokingly, and she laughed. Her gently push her hair out of her face, and we look one another in the eye for what felt like minutes, but was just seconds. And looking a woman in the eye, is every bit as hard as I always thought it would be, but, worth it, if she's worth it. If you just want to stand before her in your honest self, no she'll, no mask. She's really short, and, I like the way I have to look down at her, and force hero look up at me.
"You're really handsome. I think, the blue eyes, really could make a girl submissive on the right day."
"You have no idea Bonnie."
"Are you a dominant, sexual, predator?" She joked.
"I've made plenty of women submissive, I have control issues." I admitted, and then I kept being honest. "But, I'm kind of enjoying this lack of control I have right now."
"Well, then screw the towels. Come on. Let's just go run all the way there naked."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"Alright. You lead, I follow." And we did it. She leads me outside, and we both ran to the water, and I realized how stupid I was right away. This water was so freezing cold, that it gave me a rush. How could a man's dick not shrivel up inside of itself after jumping in this water? "FUUUCK! It's cold. How do you do this?"
"It's easy. I just focus all my attention on the cold, which only lasts a minute. But that minute, helps me to forget everything else. Clears my head. Then, I relax into the water's control. And my body adjusts to it. It warms up, and I float out here."
She just looks at the moon and floats. "You fear what can be in the water?"
"Somedays. But most times, I imagine, the waters purpose, is to make us fear it. The world is a terrible, and crazy place. People kill each other, hurt each other, cheat on each other, and we live our lives based on what other people think about us or want from us. But those small things, that we magnify in our minds, are nothing compared to Mother Nature. And his water is much scarier than those trivial pains. But, we can balance this fear out with that fear, and decided how we want to let it control our lives."
"What do you mean?"
"The ocean is scary. Especially at night. You can't separate the sky from the water. We are swimming in darkness. It's a metaphor for life. Right? Swimming in darkness. But, do we stop swimming? Do we run? Or do we learn to control the fear, so that we can embrace the journey of overcoming?"
She's really, amazed me. It makes so much sense, it bewilders me to have been blind to it. "And the nudity?"
"So many reasons for it. Being bare to our fears. Presenting ourselves, embracing ourselves, choosing ourselves, and feeling the water in every inch of our body, is letting go of the control. And in letting it go, we really gain it back. It's quite, sickeningly abstract, and beautiful."
And I listen to her speak. She continues to talk to me, and I just listen. And I realize, I'm no longer listening because my therapist told me to. I'm listening because, I find, that when you really want to know a person, beyond the surface, beyond sex... you don't have to feel forced to listen, and hear them. You do it, because you want to. You do it, because you crave them. You hunger to be inside of their mind, their spirit, their thoughts.
And I just listen to her and we lose track of time, because the sun is rising, and we are both still naked. "I want to take pictures of you Bonnie."
"Don't you already do that, stalker?"
"I do. But, the pictures I take are absolutely, the depiction of a woman at peace. It could be absolutely off base, but the pictures capture that. I want something more. I want the truth. I want pictures of you, deep in your thoughts, cooking your dinner, reading your books, being inside of yourself. I get the outside of you. I want the inside of you."
She moved her body upright in the water, looked at me a few seconds and out to her house. "No one ever cared much about those parts of me. It's a strange request."
"It's my request."
"How does this work?"
"Like any other day. We can hang out, and I can just have my camera with me. I'd like it to just be natural. I may snap a shot here and there. Don't mind me."
"Easier said than done." She mocked me from earlier.
"Exactly. I never thought I could stand naked in front of a theoretical, abstract-minded and unapologetically unashamed, woman of your... of your..."
"Of my what?"
"Free-sprinted nature, outlook on life, and natural radiance."
"I've never heard that before." She smiled, but I could tell she appreciated it. She appreciated that I didn't just call her beautiful. Beautiful, is dull. Though classic, and meaningful, still very dull.
"So, pictures? What does that mean, we have to hang out more?"
"You don't have to talk to me, if you don't want. I mean we can hang out and I can casually take pictures, or you can leave your door unlocked for me, and I can be a fly on the wall."
Her eyes rolled, and she glanced at the peeking sun. "Oh crap. Damon, the sun literally takes five minutes to rise, and we are naked."
"Come on. Let's go, before the neighbors, see you."
"Me? You mean You."
"No... you. I'd hate for the men around here, to be paying far too much attention to you, being that you live alone."
"Oh, is that it?" She smiled. I think she's hinting at jealousy, to which, I hold no ownership to her, and I'm not even sure how that works here days. Fifteen years ago, relationships were different. A month ago, a woman thought I was her boyfriend because we slept together a few times. I guess, it's best I take this role, slowly. Whatever it is.
"Yeah, that's it." I didn't even sound convincing.
We get out of the water and run for our lives to the shower in her backyard. Both of us covered in salt and sand, and cold as hell. She starts the water, and jumps in before it gets hot, I wasn't sure what to do, so I waited. "Damon?"
"Yeah?"
"Come on."
"In there with you? It's kind of small, isn't it?"
"It's big enough for me and you." She pushed the small swinging door opened, so I could walk inside. She keeps her eyes trained on mine, and that's a good thing, because that water was cold. And my manhood is still registering that.
As the water gets warmer, I sigh. "Thank god." I look down and smile, and he's smiling back at me. "Ohh haha, yes. Holy fuck." I rubbed warm water over my face, and she was laughing.
"That serious?"
"Yes... cold water, and dicks aren't exactly a combination for success."
"Oh okay." She turned away from me, and I watched the water, rinse sand off her body. I looked down and back up quickly, before my dick got the memo, that a beautiful naked woman was in a shower with me. So, I change the subject, but not totally off sex, just off my dick.
"So, uh... sex addiction, huh?"
"Yeah. Technically, nymphomania."
"Were you diagnosed?"
"I was diagnosed with Compulsive Sexual Dependency."
Sounds about right, I thought. I keep showering behind her, and talking. "What's that like?"
"Well, scientifically, it's the need for sex, the need for climax, and endorphin release. But, for me, it's deeper. It's spiritual. There's this freedom to being held, and connected." She pulled her hair to the side, and looked towards the opposite side while she spoke. "I love how two bodies come together, and answer each other's questions. Fulfill each other's desires. But, how mind-blowing it feels to become one body."
I moved closer to her to listen, and I'm stuck on her open shoulder, listening to her, and watching one of my favorite parts of her. I felt her exhale, when she felt the heat of my skin near hers. "What is the downside to your addiction? All addictions have a downside."
"Yeah, it's misplaced love. I confused the two for years. Thinking they were one and the same. And because I'm not a serial dater, I'm a relationship girl, it's always been that way. I couldn't figure out how to have casual sex to save my soul. It's all about giving my all. But, in the past, men have taken that from me, and used it to lie to me." If you ask her a question, she is an open book of honesty.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. "In more ways than one, I'm completely sorry for what happened between us, a month ago." I know she feels the pleading in my eyes, because, I rarely get this personal with her about my own feelings. "I never wanted to hurt you. And, just so you know, walking away from wanting to make love to you, was the single hardest thing, I have ever had to do in my life."
"Yea... I was aching that night. It was painful, and I needed Lorenzo to relive that ache, because I hadn't had it that bad in months." I was quickly confused, because she said she didn't have sex with him.
"So, you let him fuck you?" I know I sound jealous, and I won't evn hide it right now.
"No." She turned towards me, and her beautiful melanin was dripping wet.
"Then what do you mean?"
"I let him relieve my ache, with his mouth." And now I'm jealous of his mouth again.
"Oh, I see." Our two naked bodies sit under this warm water, yet still dehydrated for each other. "So, what do you mean, "your ache." What's that like?"
"Oh, the ache... so, for a woman, being brought so close to the feeling of being touched, or fucked, kind of takes a hold of our brains. Chemicals released, send this trigger to your brain, that pleasure is about to happen. Hormones build up, waiting for a release-" I look at her strangely, because of the way she's speaking, and she laughs. "Uhh, just kidding. I get this pain in my pussy..." the way she says pussy, turned me on. "It's that feeling right after my pussy is engorged and swollen, dripping wet beyond measure. It can come from touches, or even thoughts. And it starts to tingle at first, and you think, or pray, it just the tingle. Ya know, you want it to stop at the tingle." She placed her hand on my chest, and stares at my pectorals while she speaks, avoiding eye contact now. "Once you get the first, "almost" sensation... you pray you don't get it again."
"Almost?"
"Almost an orgasm."
"Oh."
"You get one almost, and you pray it fades, because you don't want another almost, to happen. But the mere thought of a cock, inside of me, or a tongue licking me, and the feeling comes right back. And you try hard to imagine anything else, but the tingling tightens, inside of your stomach." I fell her fingernails grip my chest, as she speaks, because the words almost give her an ache, just saying them. It is really intense, and I feel every ounce of her pain. "When the tingling tightens in the stomach, it turns to an ache. The ache means you will keep feeling an almost orgasm over and over again, until your body signals to the brain it can no longer take the pain. And your body begins to ache, because, I don't know, if you understand how my pussy is set up. But basically... when I'm built up, to the ache... the pain extends to my stomach and my groin. It delivers several sharp pains, like an orgasm gone wrong. Then my body, hurts all over."
Holy shit, she is almost describing blue balls. But, this could be worse. I watch her close her eyes imaging the pain of it, and the way it controls her.
"Then, my pussy will throb, and throb. And in those moments, I'm just thinking about how much I want to be fucked. How much I need to be fucked. How much, I just need to feel it, slide inside of me, and calm every nerve in me, with its beautiful and powerful thrust."
Bonnie is breathing heavy, almost as if she's reliving it. And my body is overly excited listening to her. She leans into me, and I wrap my arms around her body while her head hits my chest. Water still flowing over us, I push her hair out of her face... and lift her face to me. "And, I just need to know, there's something, to calm the throbbing, and put me out of my misery."
I look in her eyes, and at her lips, and I feel her body against me, and in these moments, I'm not thinking about anything, but kissing her. She let me cup her face, and I pulled her lips near mine, looked her in the face and told her, "I'm so sorry I did at to you. If it's any conciliation, you've given me the ache a few times. And showers don't even help."
"They never help." She smiled.
"It's almost like, your brain is torturing you."
"Exactly. And, you wish you could shut it off."
"Yeah, but you can't."
"So, you lock yourself in the room, and deal with it."
"Because that's how much it controls you." I said.
"Oh my god. I never thought I'd meet someone, who knew what it felt like." She whispered, and then bit her lip, I pinned her against the shower, within a second, and in keeping my hands around the side of her face, and nape of her neck, I kissed her. I kissed her like I wanted to taste the flavor of her mouth. When we stopped kissing, she smiled.
"I think you you're right, Bonnie. You, are my soulmate." And we knew better than to do what we did last time. "And even though, I want to make love to you, I think we should-"
"Take it slow."
"Yeah. I mean, this is more than sex for me. I really am intrigued by you in every way. Inside, outside... and, my dick won't go down, so I already know I'm about to suffer, a shit storm of pain when I have to separate my body from yours."
"You're right. We should stop."
"Yeah."
"But her leg creeps up my body and wraps around my hip." And before I know it, i grab the other leg, and lift her. I look her in the eyes, again, because this vulnerability, I'm appreciating. "What am I doing? I'm such a got damn masochist."
"Me too."
"We can't... I mean-"
"Yeah. Totally, no sex. Just kissing."
"Okay, just kissing... naked?"
"What, do you wanna stop, get dressed and start back?" She raised her brows comically.
"Fuck no. I'll deal with the torture later."
"Okay. Me too." And we made out, like to virgins in that shower... until the fucking water went cold, and my dick got the memo again. We didn't have sex, but I'll be damned, that kissing her, and touching her skin, wasn't better than any sex I'd ever had, in my entire fucking life.
The hope in her eyes, the feel of her skin, and the heavy beating of her heart, against my chest! Bonnie is everything!
A/N Hope ya'll are liking the development. Let me know…. Thanks for reading.