Jagged And Raw

The one thing about returning to school after being gone so long was all the makeup work I had to complete. Even though it was all pretty easy, it was the amount that made it difficult to do. It took me the whole week for me to finally reach the end of all my assignments, old and new. Aunt Danni was so impressed with how focused I was on my schoolwork that she allowed to visit home if I wanted, I declined, since I knew neither of my parents would give a damn if I came home or not. I stayed holed up in my room almost the whole Saturday morning until Aunt Danni knocked on my room door.
"Hey, Camilla, you've been in here all day. Let's go out and let your skin see the sun!" My aunt beamed at me. "We can take a short walk to the park, if you want." I glanced up at her above the book I was trying to catch up on for my english class.
"I dunno...I'm pretty focused right now. And I'd hate to break this focus." I told her. She rolled her eyes.
"If you say so. I'm really proud of how focused you've become. Maybe that suspension was a good thing." She closed the door behind her and was gone. I didn't see my suspension as a blessing in disguise. I learned to hide the dirt I was doing a lot better due to my suspension. I had been back to De Circ a few times, with Castiel's okay, since he didn't like me coming there on school nights. I had left school campus a few times for lunch and during our morning break with Castiel and Lysander. But as far as my aunt knew, I was this sweet neice that was finally attempting to have a good future. I got to my stopping point for the day in the boring book I had to read. I stretched and evaded my room and tried to give my legs some excersise.
"I think I'm ready for that walk now." I called to my aunt. She came out of her room in a white cami and dark blue yoga pants.
"I knew you would be." She pulled her hair back in a messy ponytail. "Are you going like that?" I looked down at what I had on. An oversized t-shirt from my old high school and sweatpants.
"We're not going to go pick up guys, we're just walking." I pointed out to her. She chuckled.
"If you'd like to borrow something..." Aunt Danni wasn't that much older than me. Ten years, maximum. She was still lean and pretty modern, but I'd never even seen her closet, let alone borrow anything from her. I went into her closet and it felt like I'd been transported into a world of pantsuits and classy business attire. "Oh, not in there, in here." She opened a dresser drawer on the other side of her room. I looked in there, surprisingly full of workout clothes and hip t-shirts. I chose a dark gray t-shirt and black cheerleading shorts.
"Thanks." I told her as I went into her closet to put the clothes on. It felt odd being in her clothes. I stepped out of her closet. "Um, I'll go put on my flip-flops and we can go." I hurried out of her room and came back into mine. I slid on my flip-flops and met my aunt by the front door. She opened the door and let me out. I waited while she locked the front door and we began walking together. "So, uh, how's work been?"
"Pretty good. I haven't been yelled at for hours by my boss in a while." My aunt laughed. "I find it hilarious when he yells. His face gets all red and sweaty."
"Um...okay? What is your job anyway?" I asked her curiously.
"I'm a paralegal for a law firm." Aunt Danni said with a hint of pride.
"That's cool, I had wanted to be a lawyer, then decided against it." I told her.
"Why'd you decided against it?" She asked me. I shrugged.
"My record. I mean, my grades are good enough for it, but my past makes it seem like I should be the one being prosecuted." I explained.
"That makes sense, but you should never let your past interfere with your future. Those are two different things and should remain that way."
"Colleges and universities don't see it that way." I told her. She acknowledged my comment and we walked in silence for a while. I didn't mind her company. It was still pretty odd to have someone that was in charge of me actually give a damn about whether I was succesful or not.

"Thanks for walking with me. I'd been meaning to get into somewhat of an exercise regimen." Aunt Danni said when we'd came back home and had gotten inside. I shrugged.
"No biggie. I'm going to take a shower, I'll wash your clothes with mine and give them back to you." I told her. She waved it off.
"No need to wash my clothes for me. I'll wash them." Aunt Danni went into her room. I heard the water in her bathroom turn on. I went to my own bathroom and turned on the water. As I undressed, the steam surrounded the bathroom in less than a minute. I took my time showering, I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue bonding with my aunt. Mostly since most people I bonded with winded up leaving and disappointing me.

Monday morning, I walked to school almost twenty minutes earlier than when I usually would. I wanted to get to school early so I could study for a math test I had that day. It was odd being there so early, no one was in the halls, every footstep I made echoed throught the hallways. I got to the library, only to find it locked and the inside dark.
"Did you want to get into the library?" Nathaniel asked. He was right behind me and his voice had made me jump a little. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."
"It's okay, and yeah, I have a math test and need to study." I told him.
"Oh, I have a key." He pulled out a key ring and unlocked the door and held it open for me. "I come here all the time before school." I walked into the library. It smelled of old books and too much air freshner.
"Huh, I figured." I muttered before I could stop myself.
"What was that?" He asked. I closed my mouth abruptly.
"I was uh, just asking if you'd mind helping me study?" I lied. His face brightened as he grinned.
"No, not at all, what type of math do you take?" He asked me, we both sat next to each other at one table near the front of the library.
"Algebra II" I told him. I pulled out my notebook and showed him what we were working on in class. He nodded as he looked over my notes.
"Okay, this doesn't seem to hard. What do you need help on?"
"Remembering the formulas." I said. He flipped through a few pages.
"Can you tell me the formula for a vertical parabola?"
"y-k=a(x-k) squared." I told him without missing a beat. He raised an eyebrow. I glanced at my hands quickly.
"You don't need my help at all do you?" He asked me, something different in his voice. I couldn't place my finger on it. I nodded slowly.
"Not really, but I do need to maker sure the formulas are concrete in my brain." I explained.
"I don't understand. Your really smart, why can't you stay out of trouble?"
"You say that like I choose to be in trouble."
"Well, no one told you to fight Li or Charlotte."
"They're bullies. They deserved everything they got and more."
"Camilla, that's not your job though."
"I don't like where this is going. Just ask me another algebra question."
"Fine. If every suspension is ten days and Julie gets supended four times plus three days, how many monthes has she missed?"
"Depends on what time of the year she was suspended. Averagely speaking, a month with about a week left over." I replied casually. I could tell what he was hinting at, but it didn't matter to me. He was just some guy that believed everyone could be someone good. He sighed.
"Your different, Camilla. Really different." He said. I could tell what it was that was in his voice that was different, true perplexion. He was perplexed by me. I was smart, but made stupid decisions. I was rude, but not rude enough to insult him. I had a hard exterior that often would fall if someone talked to me the right way. I fought, but I fought only to protect others. He didn't understand how to react to me.
"That's not the first time I've heard that." I muttered a bit bitterly.
"I didn't mean it in a bad way. Why do you always think I'm insulting you?"
"Because most of the time, people are."
"Do I really seem like most people to you? Besides, why would I want to insult you? If anything, I want you on my side."
"Your side? What the hell are you talking about? I'm on no one's side."
"I mean, if everyone just started to hate me for some reason, I would like to have you in my corner not letting them all pummel me to oblivion."
"Is this because I'm seen as some fighter?"
"No, well, I mean...this isn't going the way I thought it would."
"And what way is that?"
"Nevermind. Forget I said anything." He stood from the table and reached for his bag. I stood too and grabbed his arm forcefully.
"No, I want to know." I tightened my grip on his arm.
"Fine, I don't get you. Your like this...I dunno, your not, but then you are."
"I don't think I'm following you." I said, this was pretty intriguing. I released my death grip on his arm. He rubbed his arm a little and looked down into my eyes.
"I'm attracted to you, and I have no why." He admitted, his gaze not leaving mine. "Your not my type, or I don't think you are, but I can't stop thinking and your so confusing." He sighed. "Why can't you just be straighforward?"
"Because that would allow people in." I told him. He was attracted to me? Had I been sending him signals? How had that even happened?
"Why don't you want people in? Not everyone's a bad person."
"I don't want to take that chance though."
"I'm not a bad person." He took a small step towards me. I let him lean close, he smelled of strong cinnamon and soap. I blinked, why was I letting this happen?
"I-I can't..." I backed up a step. "I'm sorry, but I just can't."
"Can't what?" He reached a hand out to me. I glanced at it and looked away like I'd seen something scary. "Camilla?"
"I can't let you in, I can't let anyone in." I turned. "Maybe one day, but not today." I was at the door when I heard him over my shoulder.
"I'll wait until you can, Camilla." His words echoed in my head as I left the library. I was confused as to what had just happened. I had never put Nathaniel in that light before, so I never looked at him that way. And with Castiel, I felt like I could be myself and joke around. Dammit, I'd gotten myself into trouble again, and this time, I wasn't the only one going down fast.

I tried and wanted to not talk to Nathaniel until I figured out how I felt. I didn't want to lead him on anymore if I didn't feel the same. I didn't bother talking to Iris about it, because I didn't feel like we were close enough to really start sharing secrets and private life stuff. So I avoided everything until later. After school, Castiel and Lysander had invited me to go with them to a music store. I agreed and we all piled into Castiel's truck.
"Castiel told me you like rock music, who's your favorite band?" Lysander asked me from the front seat. I shrugged.
"I have multiple favorites, but I really like Black Veil Brides." I told him.
"I've heard of them, they're pretty good." Lysander said to me.
"Yeah, I've seen them live twice and it was pretty epic." I said laughing a little. I saw Castiel give a smirk to me in his rearview mirror.
"The first concert I ever went to was a Winged Skull concert and that was really cool." Castiel told us.
"I bet it was, my first concert was a Falling In Reverse concert and things got heated there after someone mentioned Escape The Fate." Lysander chuckled.
"Who's Winged Skull?" I asked. Lysander and Castiel gave me odd looks.
"You've never heard of Winged Skull?" Castiel asked me.
"No..."
"Okay, when we get there, I'm showing you the awesomness that is Winged Skull." Castiel said. Lysander slapped him on the arm and muttered something to him. Castiel muttered something back, neither one bothering to let me in the loop.

I stared up at him. He started to smile. The song ended and I slid out the headphones. He reminded me of an eager child.
"Like?" He asked me. I stuggled for the correct words.
"No, I fuckin' love them. How have I not heard of them before?" I said excitedly. He chuckled a little.
"I dunno, but they're pretty awesome in concert too." Castiel told me.
"Really? Now I want to see them live." I said. Lysander returned back to us from across the store.
"I'm assuming you've listened to Winged Skull?" Lysander said to me. I nodded. "They're pretty cool right?" And for the next few hours we walked around talking about music, until a little secret came out.
"You what? Why haven't you told me?" I punchd Castiel in the arm playfully. We were walking around in a nearby park.
"I dunno, it never came up, I geuss." Castiel was blushing now. He was absolutly adorable when he blushed.
"I'm surprised he'd never told you about us being somewhat of a band, considering how much he talks about you." Lysander told me. The last part reminded me of something. Or someone. I looked up to Castiel, who avoided my gaze.
"You talk about me? What do you say?" I asked Castiel teasingly. Castiel punched Lysander in the arm and muttered something to him angrily. Lysander just laughed and rubbed his arm.
"Might I change the subject? Okay, so I was outside my house, mowing the lawn and I looked across the street to find this middle-school girl watching me." Lysander narrated hurridly.
"That's creepy and weird." I noted. We continued talking, not bothering to say anything about Castiel talking about me. We got back into the truck after another hour of walking and talking. Castiel drove Lysander home first and I got into the front seat. I turned the radio down.
"I'd like to hear you and Lysander play together sometime." I told him. He glanced at me.
"Okay, we don't usually play in front of people..." He drifted off. He turned down the road that I lived on. "Did your aunt know you were out?"
"Yeah, she insisted actually. She thinks I need to be more social or something." I said casually. He pulled into the driveway and parked.
"Have you tricked her or something?"
"No, I'm just covering my tracks better. All she sees is a good girl working towards a good future."
"You really shouldn't decieve her. If you enjoy getting in trouble, just tell her that. What's the worst she can do?"
"Not want to deal with me."
"But she'd still love you. C'mon, I'll walk you to your door." Castiel got out the truck and opened the passenger door for me. I got out the truck. He closed the door behind me.
"May I ask what Lysander was talking about earlier?" I asked him. He stopped walking and so did I, a few steps away from him.
"Camilla, your very intriguing. I don't really know how to describe it." Castiel took a small step towards me. "But I think I like you." He leaned close, close enough that his bright red hair tickled my cheeks. For some reason again, I let a guy get close enough to kiss me. I closed my eyes and felt him lean closer. Then I felt him pull away. I opened an eye and saw him smirking at me.
"What the hell?" I asked him. I blinked a few times, trying to comprehend what had just happened. He shrugged.
"I didn't want to kiss you." He told me simply.
"But you just said that you think you like me." I reminded him.
"I did say that, and I don't think I like you. I know I do."
"Then why didn't you kiss me?"
"You're quite emotional about this. I didn't kiss you because it didn't feel right, like not here and not now." He pointed beind me to my aunt peeking through the blinds. "You should go." I looked up at him.
"She's going to want you to say hello, ya know." I waved my aunt outside. Cautiously stepped outside. "Hey, Aunt Danni."
"I didn't want to intrude on your...moment." Aunt Danni extended her hand to Castiel. "I'm Camilla'a aunt, Daniella, but you can call me Danni." Castiel took her hand and shook it.
"Nice to meet you, Danni. I'm Castiel." Castiel seemed to be a bit nervous. "I uh, have to go, see you tomorrow, Camilla." Castiel stepped away and got into his truck. We waved and he waved back before backing out the driveway and driving away. Aunt Danni turned to me.
"How come you've never mentioned him before?" Aunt Danni asked me once he was gone. I grabbed her wrist and dragged her inside. "Camilla, what's going on?"
"I need to vent, and you the only one that'll understand." We sat down at the dining room table. I proceeded to tel everything that had happened to me that day. About Nathaniel, Castiel, everything. Then I told about everything since my first day at Sweet Amoris, leaving out parts of my late night excursions when I'm supposed to be asleep.
"Let me get this straight, Nathaniel is attracted to you, and Castiel likes you." My aunt stated, I nodded.
"Yes." I told her. She nodded slowly.
"This isn't that hard. Okay, so have you talked to Nathaniel since or have you avoided him?"
"Avoided him. But I do because I don't want to give him a false idea about my feelings for him if I don't feel the same."
"I understand that, but he deserves an explanation or something."
"I dunno if I can do that."
"Well, you kind of have to. If he's attracted to you and you tell him how you truly feel, even if you don't feel the same, he'll appreciate the honesty. Now with Castiel, I have nothing to tell you."
"That's okay, I really don't want to be with anyone right now anyway. I need to focus on myself first."
"Yeah, work out all your personal issues, then the love'll come second." Aunt Danni stood and patted me on my shoulder. "Everything'll work itself out. Promise." I sat there. I hoped she was right, I didn't want to hurt anyone but what about me? I'd been hurt too many times for me to recognize someone who truly cared.