I spend the rest of the weekend playing video games with Jude and his friend named Jack. I know little about Jack except that his group home recently closed down and he is sleeping beside Jude's bed until another foster home opens up for him. Jude likes Jack, not like how he liked Connor, but Jack tries to help him get over Connor. I wonder what it feels like to like someone, Chloe always seems to like someone. She even talks about kissing guys behind the back of the school and Ada swoons at Chloe's stories. I ask Jude and Jack what it feels like to kiss someone but I didn't get a straight answer. Jude just turns a really bright red while telling me to ask Callie these kinds of questions while Jack burst out laughing.

I grit my teeth, "I'm serious! I want to know!"

They don't answer and I walk away in anger. I'm angry at the fact Jude and Jack won't take me seriously and I'm mad at myself for not understand such social cues that everyone else seemed to get. I'm always three steps behind everyone.

"Hey."

I turn and Jack squats besides me next to the bushes. He comments, "Nice hiding spot."

I'm too upset to answer him so we sit in silence before he speaks up again, "I'm sorry about earlier. I wasn't laughing at you I swear."

My eyes become wet and I croak out, "I don't understand why is kissing so important?"

He admits, "Well, it's not really that important. It's just how people show they like each other."

"Have you ever kissed anyone?"

He nods. "Yes, but I kind of wish I didn't."

I tilt my head in confusion, Chloe liked kissing guys. She made it seem like it was the best thing in the world. "Why not?"

Jack hesitates "Kissing is special, you can't just go around kissing anyone you like. It has to mean something to both of you. I just wanted the person to feel better but I didn't think about how they would feel when they realized I didn't like them like that, you know?"

I nod despite not really understanding what he means. All I know is kissing is special, maybe that is why Jude was embarrassed about it when I asked him.

I turn my head in excitement. "Will you kiss me?"

His eyes widen. "What?!"

My nails dig into my palm as I answer, "Well, you're pretty special. You're really smart and you can beat the ultimate boss in Jude's game. Also, you are nice to me and I think kissing you would be nice."

Jack looks at me for a second and I can feel the heat rushing to my face.

Just let me be normal for once. Let me be like all the other girls in my class who want to hold a boy's hand and kiss them on the lips. Can't I be normal for once? Can't I be loved like them?

"Close your eyes.", he demands.

I do. In the dark trapped in my own mind, I notice how fast my heart is beating and how sweaty my palms have become. Mostly, I feel the excitement rising in my chest as I think about the ways how I can tell Ada and Chloe I kissed someone.

His eyelashes flutter against my skin and his nose slightly brushes against my face. What surprises me is how cold his lips are, they land for just a second before pulling away. My eyes snap open and can't help but wonder about the feelings Chloe spoke about when she had kissed someone. I don't feel different, all I feel is a sense of disappointment in my chest that I have long been accustomed to.

I stamper out, "You kissed my cheek." They anger comes so quickly that it burns my insides. "That's not a kis-"

He questions, "How do you feel?"

Disappointed.

I can't find the words to answer so I stay silent. "Kiss someone you like-"

I retort, "I like you!"

Jack asks once again, "How do you feel Maisie?"

Disappointed.

A whine escapes the back of my throat and I rub my hands into my eyes. Just kiss me!

He pats the top of my head and sighs, "Kiss someone you really like Maisie."

But, I don't like anyone. Not the way Chloe and Ada do.

I don't ask for another kiss.

Jack leaves early on the day of Brandon's play of Romeo and Juliet.

Despite how embarrassed I am by how I acted before, I give him my farewells and hope for the best for his situation. Just as he leaves, there is a look in Jack's eye that shakes my core and I feel as though I'm staring back at myself.

A book is hurled at my face, "You said it wrong. You said it wrong! How do expect to enter the gates of heaven if you can't even recite a single prayer!"

Time freezes as the clink-clank of the belt is released from his pants. One hand pushing my face into the ground, the other raised in the air.

I remember the belt, the hands. The THWAK, THWAK, THWAK when I did something wrong (I could never do anything right).

I see the fear, the uncertainty in Jack's eyes as his social worker pushes him in the car and the horrible feeling grows in my stomach. It's that feeling I've relied on when people's hands burn and belts are my kisses. It's that feeling that's kept me alive after all these years.

Jack is gone and I'm still here (it's only a matter of time).

"For all of us waiting, our time will come. The truth will then set us free. Day will rise, night will fall. To you who are waiting, your kingdom will come. For one and for all. These are the lyrics from one of Jack's favorite metal bands…"

The smell of salt and the sound of waves overtake my senses.

Jack Downey is dead and there is no one to mourn him except strangers. Is this my reality? Is this my fate?

I can still feel his kiss against my cheek and it's haunting. Like a ghost, it never leaves and I try to understand the lesson Jack was trying to teach me but I can't.

Why am I so stupid? Why can't I ever understand anything?

I stop caring. I stop pretending to know the words in Bridge to Terabithia when Mrs. Thames calls on me to read and I ignore the noise of pencils pushing as I stare at a blank page. I lose my lunch in the toilet before the break is over and I want to sleep. I want to hide under the covers stuck on page 82 of The Chronicles of Narnia and drink hot chocolate. I never knew how much I needed hot chocolate until this very moment.

"You can't read!", Chloe declares as though she has finally solved the answer to the universe.

I don't hesitate my next words. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

Ada huffs, "Why don't you admit it's true Maisie? Everyone in class can tell how much you are struggling to read, you never struggle this much with math."

I wish now more than ever that I can just tell them how I kissed a boy. I kissed a boy and it was fairytales and fireworks-

Jack Downey is dead.

I slam my locker shut. "I'm just tired, okay? Just drop it."

"What's with the stick up your ass?" My jaw drops. "You're always acting like your better than all of us. Just admit it, you can't read."

Ada frowns and admonishes her, "Chloe."

I shake my head in denial and hiss, "You have no idea what you're talking about."

Chloe steps forward into my space. "Really? Everyone around here has been looking at you like you're the next Einstein. Just because you get the highest grades in math class, doesn't mean you're special. Once everyone realizes you're a fraud, they won't care what you have to say."

Chloe takes a step back and Ada looks like she wants to be anywhere but here. "So, what's your secret? How do you cheat? Who do you pay to give you the answers to every math test we have?"

My face turns red and it bubbles deep from a place I kept so tightly under lock and key, "Je sais lire!"

Any color leaves my face and the spark of anger is put out. Ada and Chloe look back at me with equally gobsmacked expressions, but I can't look them in the eye. I run away face down and hide in the bathroom stalls until the final bell rings.

"Can I stay home from school today?"

"Are you sick?" Lena touches my forehead. "You don't feel like you have a fever."

I plea, "Please, just for today."

Lena and Stef share a look and whatever hope I have is squashed. I don't know how to play my cards right in this situation. I've never had to ask permission to miss school. If I didn't feel like going to school, I didn't go, but Lena is the Vice Principal of Anchor Beach and I don't know how to act in these situations.

Stef kisses my temple. "How about you go to school and if you start to feel worse, go to Lena's office and I'll pick you up. Okay, peanut?"

I should push her away, slap her for calling me such a childish nickname. Instead, I lean into it and nod in agreement. Jack is a wake-up call, I shouldn't normalize this behavior. The world doesn't work this way and I've stopped. I've stopped hiding food in case I was refused a meal, I've stopped flinching every time someone has tried to touch me, I've stopped being so damn afraid. I've gone soft and I don't know how to go back.

Callie calls out, "Come on, Maisie!"

Lena passes me my brown lunch bag while Stef holds out my backpack. I give them a grateful smile and run after Callie. The whole walk to school Callie explains to me how Fost and Found works. She even tells me I can use it if I would like to post something. I don't answer her, mostly because I don't want to hurt her feeling by telling her I would never use it. I didn't want to tell anyone anything about my past homes, they are my secrets to keep and I would bring them to the grave.

"Callie, do you have any proof that Justiana Marks is employed by Arbiter?"

We're ambushed by a cameraman and a random news lady.

Callie pushes me behind her. "No comment."

Callie urges me forward until the lady asks, "Is it true you made these false allegations because she found out you were having sex with your foster brother, Brandon Foster?"

Callie looks like a deer in headlights, I gently grab onto her sweater while mimicking her response, "No comment."

I pull her into a secluded hallway away from prying eyes. "Callie?"

I was there. I saw the fire in Callie's eyes and the passion she spoke for Jack. She stood up and told the whole world about the injustices of the foster care system and how kids like Jack deserved justice.

I want to be brave, just like Callie.

However, the person who spoke against Justiana Marks is gone and Callie shaking beside me in fear. It wasn't exactly a secret in the Foster's house that once upon a time Callie and Brandon liked each other, even I knew that.

Maybe, she's afraid they will revoke her adoption?

I slip my hand into Callie's and pull her along. I would be lying if I said I didn't like any of my foster siblings. Jude who played video games with me, Jesus who is trying to teach me how to skateboard, Callie who has me pose for her pictures, and Brandon who trades me his cookies for carrots. Even Mariana, who sometimes would look over my math homework and smile approvingly. They've sneaked into my heart faster than any other foster siblings have and I wasn't going to let them down.

I pull Callie right into the front office and gently nudge her into the seat in Lena's office.

Lena's eyes become worried. "Maisie-."

I interrupt her, "There are reporters on campus looking for Callie. You should probably do something about that."

Lena opens her mouth to ask something but Callie call for her attention. "Mama?"

Lena rushes to Callie's side and I motion to the door. "Thank you Maisie. You can go."

I rush to class, intending to get there before the bell rings, and the chattering stops as soon as I enter the classroom. Everyone is in their seats, some kids giggle or snort as I pass there seats and alarms go off in my head. I turn to Chloe whose eyes are full of triumph and Ada who turns away from my gaze. Taped to my desk is a single paper with a single word.

I try to pronounce it out Sp-ahhh-zzz, but it's not making sense. It's not a word in my vocabulary and I can only think of spasme, but that's not right.

I'm never right.

Tears fill my vision and smash the paper in a little ball into the bottom of my bag. I feel like heavying and crying at the same time because they are right- I am a fraud. I don't know how to read English.

I sit on a toilet seat, knees up to my chest as sobs course through my body. I didn't have the confidence to dance around with English so during the passing periods I hid in the upperclassmen bathroom to skip class. I wait until the chatter has stopped, the halls have become quiet, to start crying.

I don't remember France. My eyes did not light up like Papa and Maman when they started reminiscing about Angers. Reminiscing their great love story: Papa left Greece and moved to France and by a stroke of fate he met Maman and they'd been in love ever since. We left for America when she was born and I was only three. I don't remember France, but I remember many hospital beds, too much antiseptic, and promises of a cure.

"The doctors are going to make Alyssa better and then we will go back. They will cure her and we will go back home."

We always spoke French: at the grocery store, at the medical center, at home. It didn't matter where we were, Maman and Papa always spoke French to us. Even when everyone around us spoke in English, they talked in French. (Sometimes, Papa would speak to us in Greek. Greek never felt as comfortable as French and I often stumbled over my words as he spoke rapidly.)

"How can we go back to France if you don't speak French?"

It only made sense that Maman taught us to read in French. When we entered the foster care system, I soaked up the English words so the kids would stop laughing at us. It was a trade: as my English vocabulary grew, my Greek dwindled away. I remember the hushed S'agapo before we went to sleep but everything else I forgot. I have forgotten my Greek, I have forgotten my culture (I have forgotten Papa). Time continued, when they picked at my accent, I spoke things in a more American way until no one suspected I spoke French or Greek at all and by then, no one realized I didn't know how to read in English. I still didn't know how to read passed four-letter English words out of Dick and Jane and it's too late to admit it to anyone. You're stupid if you didn't know how to read at eleven, so I hid my illiteracy behind false bravado and laughs.

It is humiliating and embarrassing. Grandma Ruth was the only one who noticed and would read aloud The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe to me. She would read aloud and I would repeat sentences back to her. It's the only reason I made it this far without anyone noticing before. Now, I grew careless and people have noticed.

I cry into my knees until there is nothing left but soft hiccups and heavy breathing. The bell rings again signaling a passing period and I go to the sink to wash my face.

I'm met with bloodshot eyes and a blotchy face. I sigh before splashing my face with water and prepare myself to go to class.

"Maisie?" Mariana's eyebrows furrow. "Are you okay?"

I'm at my wit's end, I just want to be left alone. I bit my lip and turn away. "Why do you care? You hate me! You don't even speak more than two sentences to me."

"I don't hate you.", the confession is so soft I almost miss it.

I laugh bitterly, "Well, it really doesn't seem that way."

"I…" She pauses before beginning again, "I'm jealous of you."

The statement perplexes me and I question, "Why?"

Tears fall from her eyes. "Because I'm no longer the youngest girl and in some ways, I felt like you were replacing me."

My jaw drops. "No way! Lena and Stef adore you. They love you and your siblings so much."

Mariana laughs, "They love you too, you know?"

I don't. The statement knocks the wind out of my lungs until I am breathless.

Mariana pulls me into a hug. "I'm sorry for being such a jealous bitch."

It bubbles out of me escaping from a place deep inside where it had been hiding all these years. I giggle, "Lena says we shouldn't curse."

"Well, sisters are supposed to look out for each other so we won't tell Mama about it this time."

The sadness has been washed away and I feel lighter than ever until Mariana asks, "So, what's wrong?"

I unroll the balled up paper from the bottom of my bag and show her. Her cheeks turn red and she demands, "Who did this? Who's bullying you?"

I nonchalantly shrug. "It was a one-time thing." I peer down at the paper. "What does it mean?"

She pauses before throwing the paper in her bag. "It doesn't matter. It's a mean word and you should tell Moms about this."

I shake my head rapidly and beg, "Please don't, I will handle this."

Mariana's voice softens, "Maisie, you don't have to do anything on your own anymore, you have us."

"I don't want to be known as the girl who snitches."

Mariana crosses her arms. "Fine, you tell me who they are and I will deal with them."

My eyes widen. "Mariana!"

She walks to a bathroom stall. "Can we continue this conversation in a second? I really needed to go pee the moment I walked into this restroom."

I hop onto the sink and wait for her to be done when the intercoms come to life.

"THIS IS A CODE BLUE, A CODE BLUE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL"

What's a code blue?

The sound of splashing echoes through the bathroom. "Shit!"

Mariana comes out of the stall waving toilet water off her phone. "Come on!"

A sense of panic overcomes me as I follow after her. "What's a code blue?"

She hesitates before answering, "Someone has a gun."

We head to the first classroom we see and Mariana tries to open the door, it's locked. She knocks rapidly on the door while saying, "Let me in, please! It's Mariana, Mariana Adams-Foster."

No one answers back and I tug on her sweater. "No one is going to open the door Mariana, we need to find a place to hide."

If it's possible, Mariana knocks even harder. "Please, my little sister is out here with me. Open the door please."

My vision becomes blurry. "Please, Mariana."

She passes me and begins to knock on other doors while pleading them to open the door.

BANG

I drop to the floor and cover my hands over my ears. I know that sound, I know that sound well and never did I imagine that I would be hearing it at this school.

This school is nice and I am rough like sandpaper and pebbles that dig into your hands when you fall onto concrete. Anchor Beach was never supposed to be anything but nice.

Hands tug me up from the floor. "Maisie, Maisie! It's going to be okay!"

I remember evil grins, hands that left bruises, and cold metal digging into my temple. "Shut up! Shut up or I'll blow your brains out!"

I croak out, "We're going to die!"

Mariana holds my face between her palms while firmly saying, "No, we're not!"

She tugs me to the lockers and her hands shake wildly as she turns the combination. It opens with a silent click and she's ripping things out the locker until it's empty.

"Get in."

I don't hesitate to do what she says until she's closing the locker. "What about you?"

Mariana's lip trembles, "I'll be fine."

I scoot further into the locker. "We can both fit."

She shakes her head. "I can't!"

"You can.", I insist.

"I can't fit so I need you to brave. I'm scared too, but we have to be brave together."

I frantically try to get out of the locker. "We can find another hiding place, I'm not leaving you here alone!"

Mariana blocks my exit and hisses, "No! I will find another hiding place, but you have to stay in here."

She lets out a shaky breath, "It's going to be fine. Mom is probably here right now and she's going to find us both. Stay silent and don't say anything until I come for you, okay?"

I can't believe this is the same girl who I thought hated my guts not even ten minutes ago. I can't believe she would put my life in front of her own. I want to beg her to stay, burst into tears and tell her I can't do this, but I have to be brave.

"Okay."

"I need you to brave. I need you to be brave for me, okay?"

I nod even though my heart is in my chest and I am afraid to close my eyes, but I do because I have to be brave.

I close my eyes and like clockwork, He enters the bedroom at 2 am. The bed dips softly and I can feel her shaking behind. I want to cry out, I want it to stop, but I am silent and brave.

His pants and shirt drop to the floor. NO- this is not happening. I am back on the beach chasing after Alyssa but He smells like beer and cigarettes. I am giving Alyssa a piggyback ride but something sharp and cold is digging into my back. She is sobbing beside me and He moves swiftly like a snake. The blanket is ripped away and the cold rushes in. Where is the warm sun? We are on a beach and the sun is supposed to be warm but it is so, so cold. He is on top of me, crushing me- I can't breathe. She is sobbing so loudly next to me that I can't hear the waves. How can She be sobbing so loudly?! Goosebumps, goosebumps across my shoulders, down to my stomach- My eyes spring open. I don't want to be brave anymore! His hand slips in- NO! NO He cannot touch me there!

This isn't happening!

I'm at the beach with Alyssa-

I'm at the beach-

I SCREAM.

He hurts me,

I scream so loudly even when the butt of the gun rams into my face-

and hurts me,

I scream because He is crushing me and my lungs are going to explode!

and hurts me.

I scream until He slams the door and She slaps her hand over my mouth whispering, "You were very brave."

There is stomping, so much stomping. I can only see the flashes of light that enter and exit the locker. Both of my hands cover my mouth as I hold back a scream down my throat. This is not the same, I cannot scream anymore. I have to be brave.

But, I find it hard to stay still and silent.

The must have forgotten about me. They must have left me behind.

This locker is suffocating-

I need to get out-

Oh god, I need to get out!

"Maisie?"

I freeze. My heart is beating so loudly it must have given me away.

"Maisie, It's Stef. Can you hear me?"

I stutter, "S-s-s-Stef?"

"I'm here, love. I'm here, just give me a second."

The light is blinding and I burrow further into the locker. It takes a moment to recognize the two blurry people: Mariana and Stef.

My heart cries, "You came."

My legs feel like jello so Stef picks me up. I am too old to be held, but she picks me up and wraps Mariana up in her other arm. We are finally outside and Mam- Lena is running towards us. She hugs us so very tight and soon Jesus has joins the hugs. Then, everyone is there: Callie, Jude, and Brandon and everyone is crying and hugging. Despite how exhausted I am, I've never felt safer in my life.

Stef paroles the house like a caged animal checking locked windows and doors. The others don't watch her movements as we watch the movie from the living room, but I do. Maybe it makes her feel better? The gun has been locked away and Nick sleeps in a jail cell tonight. The only shots that have been fired are from an idiot teacher who brought a gun to school. Logically, I know we are all safe, but if Stef feels better making sure everything is locked up, I'm not going to stop her.

Jesus groans, "I can't believe you guys are making us watch a G-rated film starring a worm."

Mariana objects, "I love this movie."

"Yea, you would."

"Okay, just because I didn't cut class to have sex in a car-."

My nose scrunches up. I want no part of this conversation.

Lena warns, "Mariana."

Stefs adds, "You're grounded by the way."

Jesus mumbles, "It's no different from right now."

Jude questions, "So besides Maisie, am I the only one in this house not having sex?"

Stef's jaw drops, "You're 14-"

Lena snaps, "Let's just watch the movie, okay?"

I nod my head in agreement. The movie ends and we're all tucked into bed. With no phone or computer as a source of entertainment, Mariana and Callie fall asleep easily. I stare at page 82 and think of the crumpled up paper in Mariana's bag.

I spell it in my head S-P-A-Z.

I try to say aloud quietly under my breath but it doesn't sound right. I'm spelling it wrong, saying it wrong, or it's a word I don't know. I don't know which option is the lesser evil. When the crying starts, it's so faint, but it's Mariana's shaking frame that gives her away. I get out of my bed quietly, tip-toe across the cold floor, before squeezing my way into Mariana's bed.

She turns until she is on her back side-by-side to me. "Maisie?"

I hesitate before asking, "What happened after you put me in the locker?"

Mariana has a far-eyed expression as she recounts her story, "I hid in the bathroom we were in before, then I heard him calling my name-I didn't think-"

She continues with a shaky breath, "I just kept thinking how scared I was when no one let us in the classroom. I ran to his voice so we could hide together, but then I saw the gun-"

Her voice stops in disbelief, "He had a gun- I was so scared. He kept pointing it at me and then he pointed it at himself. I kept thinking he was going to kill himself in front of me so I just started speaking. I don't even remember what I said but he finally put down the gun and it was over."

She admits quietly, "I'm so scared, I can't sleep."

With that statement, I grab onto Mariana's hand and squeeze it tight.

"When I'm scared, I imagine I'm on a beach." Mariana leans her head onto mine and I continue, "I'm on a beach and the sun is rising. I can feel the sand in between my toes and hear the waves crashing into each other. The water is a beautiful, beautiful blue and imagine I am with someone special."

"Who?"

Alyssa.

I answer, "Brandon and Jesus are in the water trying to dunk each other under and Jude is trying to splash them both. Callie- she's wearing those big black sunglasses while she's sunbathing and every once in a while, she'll look up and take a picture of what she sees. Lena is reading some book and Stef is yelling at us to-

We say it at the same time, "Put on some sunscreen you hooligans!"

The giggles tumble out and we are breathless out of laughter, "What about us? Where are we?"

I lick my lips, "We're building a sand castle with walls so high and strong that no one can get in. We build a sand castle that is safe- a place where no one can hurt us. It's a lovely place to be and everyone on the outside is jealous of our sand castle. Do you want to know a secret?"

Mariana is dozing off, not even bothering to reply to my question.

I whisper, "Right now, we are in our sand castle. This house is our sand castle, we don't have to be afraid anymore."

Mariana's breathing evens out and the small snores I've become accustomed to start to leak out. In the warm bed, my eyes become heavy and I dream of a day on the beach.

A lot happens in this chapter and I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I write Maisie based on my own experiences as an 11-year-old girl so maybe that is why I feel a little awkward about this? In Junior high, I was placed in Pre-Ap/Advance classes and everyone was really competitive about grades so if you feel this scenario is far off, it wasn't for me. Thank you all who have left a review (they really make my day) and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Random Trivia

Jack originally didn't have such a significant role in this chapter until a couple of weeks ago and he was not apart of The Invisible Child.

I don't remember why I made Maisie French? As weird as it sounds, I'm not sure why I choose that out of all the possibilities. I do have a clue why but that will remain unwritten for now.

Mariana and Maisie originally clicked right away but I felt like that really wasn't Mariana's character at all so I changed it up.