What If (Bella)

It had always been weird to be back here, after spending so much time in a bustling city. First it was Phoenix, then New York City, then London and then New York again. It usually wasn't so bad until the sun had set, but once it had, it was as if loneliness had descended upon everything. The silence echoed, complete and nearly frightening, while I was laying in bed, embraced by darkness. It was too quiet, without even a random siren or a car horn to pierce the stillness. Here the only noise was the wind, or the constant tapping of raindrops against glass. I should have been used to this by now, but I guess I was too much of an urban girl to find any consolation in the wonders of nature. For people like my dad, this was a haven of nature. For me, it was lonely rather than comforting.

The silence felt twice as unnerving now, and twice as lonely, with no sound of soft breathing next to me, no warm body to snuggle close to. I twisted and turned restlessly, trying to find a comfortable spot in my suddenly-too-narrow bed. You'd expect I'd get used to sleeping alone after having spent the entire year on my own in London. Apparently, old habit died hard. This time, the weather wasn't the one to blame for my insomnia.

Our wedding was a little over a week away, and Edward wasn't due in Forks until the next day. I came here a few days ago without him – the activities at the community center he was working at had been stretched into the beginning of August and he couldn't be let off. Since there was still a lot to do in preparations for the wedding, we decided I'd go ahead and he'd be here once he finished with work. At least this way I got to spend some time with my dad; I would be moving in with the Cullens once Edward was home. It made more sense than him spending nights here, and most of the preparations were to be done at the Cullens' place, anyway.

I wasn't sure at which point of the night sleep overtook me, but the next thing I remembered was the sound of the stairs creaking beneath hurried footsteps, and a voice I heard just a bit too much in the past few days.

"Here comes the bridesmaid!"

"Alice," I groaned; "Do you have any idea what time it is?" I sat up and watched dazy-eyed as she waltzed across the room to get my window open. It was lighter than I thought, and colder. I pressed my knees to my chest and pulled the covers to my chin.

"Of course I know what time it is, silly! It's dress fitting time! Come on, out of bed you go!"

I groaned again, but did as she said. It was better than having the covers being pulled from me, which she'd done on my first morning home. I stalled at the bathroom, taking my time while washing my face and pulling my hair up, reveling at the few moments of peace and quiet. The closer the wedding was, the more impossible Alice became. I was grateful to have her there and handle everything. I just wished she wasn't such a morning person.

"How did you get in?" I asked once I was back. I was pretty sure Charlie was doing a morning shift today. It was Saturday; he'd always done morning shifts on Saturdays.

"Charlie opened the door for me, of course." She giggled at my puzzled expression. "I asked him to change his shifts because we need to make sure his suit looks okay."

"You're unbelievable," I shook my head, laughing. She was the only one capable of making Chief Swan change his shifts.

My eyes darted to the dress that was now dropped against my made bed. It was covered completely by an opaque plastic bag. I hadn't seen it in its complete form yet. When I left London, it was still a rough sketch, still in the making, but Pam, Ivan's grandmother, promised me she'd work it all out on time. More than I feared it wouldn't fit, I dreaded it would never get here. I had those crazy scenarios running through my head: plane crash, gown lost at sea, delivered to another Alice Brandon, miles away from Seattle. Luckily I was overreacting. It arrived safely at Alice's parents' place just a few days ago.

"I peeked, of course, and it looks gorgeous," Alice said as she worked on the zipper of the bag.

I rolled my eyes before I shrugged out of my shirt. "Wow, it actually got Alice's seal of approval?"

"You should be proud. I underestimated you. All these years, you were actually paying attention," she replied, and beckoned me closer. "Now be careful not to tear anything."

It looked shapeless in her hands, gossamer of soft, white fabric. It looked complicated to wear, made out of one piece. I eyed it dreadfully, wondering how I was supposed to tackle it. Sniggering, Alice held it out for me so I could step into it. I closed my eyes and listened to the soft rustle the fabric made. I raised my arms a little to let her zip me up. I looked down on the skirt as she worked on the back. It still looked like a mass of endless white. Hesitantly, I touched the skirt and watched, fascinated, as the fabric whooshed back into place when I let it go. It was this fluidity I loved about this design from the first moment Pam had laid it out for me.

"Okay, you're all set! Let me see," Alice ordered, and tugged at my waist to turn me around. A tiny gasp escaped her, followed by a tender smile. "Perfect," she said, her voice breaking ever so slightly. Then she snapped out of it, took my hand and led me across the room, where my full length mirror was. "Have a look."

I stared at my reflection wide-eyed. My hair was pulled up in a clip, and Alice reached behind me to release it. It tumbled down my shoulders, still a mess, but better somehow. I stepped back a little so I could look more closely. Despite my former fear, the dress felt… right. It didn't feel too loose or too tight. I was still able to breathe and move my legs around. I didn't want anything too puffy or exaggerated. I wanted something classic, simple, more me. It looked like something that had been ripped from a dream, or a fairytale; a princess' gown. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that this was my dress, my wedding gown, no less.

"Let's go show your dad."

She dragged me out of the room, violently shaking me out of my stupor. I grabbed the hem of the gown a second before we dashed down the stairs; I didn't want to risk a trip to the ER a week before my own wedding. I could smell fresh coffee when we reached the bottom floor, so I knew Charlie was probably in the kitchen reading the morning paper. Alice announced our entrance before she pushed me forward. His reaction was similar to hers. He lowered his paper and blinked as I stepped into the room.

"Wow. Honey, you look…" He averted his gaze, to remove a few stray tears, I suspected.

"Wasn't it worth taking the morning off?" Alice chirped. "Think how prettier it would be with the veil and the hair… and the flowers!" she squealed. "I really like the ones we picked out a few days ago, have I told you about them Charlie?"

"Only about a dozen times, honey," Charlie laughed fondly.

"I'm not crazy about lavender and pearly white, but they wanted these theme colors and they can be so stubborn," she said, throwing a glare at me. "In my wedding I'll choose something much bolder. Theme colors are a statement," she told Charlie, oblivious to his lack of interest. "Thank goodness I managed to convince Bella to add a bit of pink to her bouquet; it adds a little quirk to all that purple – "

A knock came at the door. I saw Charlie exhale with relief.

"I'll get it," I said.

Alice blocked my way as fast as a cheetah. "It might be Edward."

I rolled my eyes. "Alice, Edward won't be here until much later today."

"Who knows, maybe he got on an earlier flight and he planned to surprise you? And if it is him at the door as I suspect, you're not allowed to open it, because he's not supposed to see you in this dress until the day of!" With that, she stormed away to get the door. I meant to look at Charlie and roll my eyes, knowing he would share my feelings, but when I did, I forgot what I meant to be doing. He was sitting there staring at me. When he realized he'd been caught, he murmured an apology and looked the other way. I could see he was embarrassed by it.

"You look really beautiful, Bells," he murmured, glancing up at me again.

"Thanks, Dad."

He didn't say anything for the longest time. When he looked at me again, his eyes were serious, full of worry, hurt, hope. "I, umm, I know your mother and I weren't an ideal role model for you, but I hope you will use this negative example to, umm, learn a lesson. In your own life, I mean."

"Dad – " I protested. He'd never openly spoken about his marriage to Renée, surely not with me. I'd known everything from my mom, who had always been more outspoken. I knew he considered his disastrous marriage a personal failure, one who could never get over; it made me uncomfortable to listen to him struggling to talk about it now.

"There were times I thought this traveling between two homes was going to ruin your life. I remember watching you grow each summer you came to see me, and thinking how much I was missing out on. Every time you left back to Phoenix I used to wish things were different. I used to imagine what things would be like if you came here to stay. You'd go to school here, maybe date someone from town… in a way, that worked out better than I planned."

I laughed darkly. It was sort of ironic that I ended up marrying Edward, the boy next door as far as Charlie was concerned. Now I couldn't help but wonder; what if I did come here to stay, much earlier than I had? Would it still have been the same between Edward and me? Could we still find each other; would he still be marrying me in a few days?

"When your mom told me she was leaving, she said life had a plan for everyone." I blinked at the sound of Charlie's voice, and my eyes met his. "I'm glad yours have brought you back here." He paused, as if it was a hard confession for him to make. "Now, I might have given you the impression I didn't like Edward; I might have been less supportive than I should have been, but I –"

Loud clamor rose from the front door, making Charlie's speech trail.

"What's going on there?"

His question echoed my thoughts, but at this point the noise ceased just as fast as it rose. It worried me all the same. If it really was Edward, wasn't Alice overacting?

"I'd better go see what this is all about," I said. I reached the doorway when I changed my mind and turned to face him again. "You're wrong about the bad role model, Dad. I'm really proud you're my dad."

I saw him flinch, as if the statement moved him. His smile was sort of tight, as if he was fighting off tears. "I'm really proud you're my daughter." Neither of us said anything for a long moment. Then he cleared his throat and grinned. "Duck when you cross the hallway," he warned me, clearly well familiar with Alice's behavior.

The tones of the conversation lowered considerably by the time I got there, and it was consisted of furious hisses. Edward would have walked passed her by now, which eliminated the possibility of him showing up here earlier as Alice had suspected. My forehead creased, wondering who it might be. Then, in an instant, I realized I knew this voice, and my body tensed. For a second, I was overwhelmed with panic. I hadn't seen him for two summers. I hadn't spoken to him for years. What was he doing here now?

Well, there was only one way to find out.

His voice died out as soon as he caught sight of me from over Alice's shoulder. His jaw dropped when I stepped into the living room. The dress' rustle sounded incredibly loud in the suddenly silenced room. His eyes were still wide with astonishment when I finally approached him.

"Jacob."

"Bella," he replied, looking me over in a way that made me want to cover myself up. "Nice."

"Thank you."

It came out so quietly I wasn't sure he heard it. It was awkward from many reasons – Alice standing there watching us through narrow eyes, me wearing a bridal gown and the fact he was clearly thinking of the what ifs; it could have been him and me by the altar in a few days, had the circumstances been different.

"What… what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you. I see this is bad timing though," he lowered his gaze, probably cowering against Alice's glare.

"Horrendous timing," she asserted. Her tone was acidic.

"I only need a minute," he told me, ignoring her completely.

I turned to face Alice, who was furious, of course. Her face was slightly red, her eyes narrower than before. She wasn't used to being ignored. I struggled not to flinch when I met her scowl. "It's okay," I said, hoping my smile would reassure her, or at least calm her down a bit. It hardly did. Her lips were pressed into a thin line. "If Charlie is finished with his coffee, you can take him upstairs to try on his outfit," I reminded her.

"Fine," she snapped, and stormed out of the room.

I tore my eyes from the place she occupied, and caught him staring at me. As soon as our eyes met he blinked and looked away, flushing. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"Come in," I said duly, and led the way to the living room.

"Look, I know I should have called – "

"What do you want, Jacob?" There was weariness in my voice, and irritation. "I mean, you've been pretty much ignoring me for the past – what, four, five years now? What changed?" I knew I was being unfair. Not being in touch with each other had been partly due to my decision. And he did try to call me at first; I kept ignoring him, until eventually he stopped trying.

"My dad and I got your wedding invitation," he said quietly. From bits and pieces I'd gathered from Charlie through the years, I knew that Jacob still lived with his dad in La Push, where he was tending him. No college, no girlfriend, hardly any friends since most of them had gone their separate ways by now. He had his dad and his bikes, old stuff he had saved from the junkyard and fixed in his garage. While the cause was admirable, it sounded like sad, lonely life. "My dad mentioned you were getting married this summer, but I wasn't expecting an actual invitation. I guess I thought it was a truce, kind of."

"You're Charlie's friends. Of course you are invited."

He winced at my inclusion of him as Charlie's friend, not mine, but he snapped out of it quickly. "Oh. Well, I assumed Cullen would object to me being there."

"Edward," I corrected, narrowing my eyes at him, "was the one who thought we should invite you."

"Really?" He seemed genuinely surprised. "That's… nice of him, I guess."

If it was a change of topics he was after, I wasn't going to give it to him. "Are you going to tell me why you're here?"

"I have, sort of. I hoped that invitation meant you changed your mind about things, and I thought I'd come here so we could maybe talk things over. The truth is…" He sighed and looked up at me. "I miss you, Bella. I miss us." He must have seen the outrage in my eyes, because he raised his arms in what seemed like self-defense. "No, no, wait, I didn't mean it like that! We used to be best friends." The hint of nostalgia in his voice made my heart ache. "What changed?"

Somehow he knew exactly what to say to tick me off. "You know what changed," I hissed, thinking back of that summer, the first summer Edward and I spent together. "You made it perfectly clear what you thought of me for choosing Edward over you."

"I was an ass – "

"Damn right you were," I dryly agreed.

"But Bells, it was ages ago."

"I don't remember you apologizing any time between then and now."

"I'm sort of trying to do that right now."

"It's not me you should apologize to, Jake." The nickname escaped me without realizing it. I saw a flicker of a smile in his eyes, and I knew he considered it as me wavering.

"I'll drive up to the Cullens' place now if you say it earns me your forgiveness."

"I don't want you to do it for me. I want you to do it because you mean it." It didn't even occur to me that Edward would probably not be there yet, that there was no point of him going there at all.

"Look, you don't know what it's like," he said, and there was strange desperation to his tone. "Ever since I knew him, he always had everything: two parents, nice house, nice car, Ivy League college. Everyone always thought so highly about him and his family, it was almost irritating. I learned to live with it. I knew that there was a difference between the life he had and the kind of life we have in the reservation. And then, as if he didn't have enough, he gets to have the girl, too – my girl – "

"I am not – "

"But you were."

"Is that why you started seeing Lea Clearwater before you told me about it?" He lowered his gaze a little, as if he knew he got himself in trouble. "Just so we're clear, I might have planned to break up with you, but it was you seeing someone behind my back."

"That's not the point, Bella."

"Enlighten me, then. What is the point? Because right now I fail to see it."

"It's exactly like you said. You chose him over me. And why wouldn't you, really? He's smart, I guess he's good looking, he's rich – "

"If we're back on that argument, then nothing changed." I turned to go, but he was blocking my way before I could make two steps. His eyes were boring into mine, burning with urgency. I wanted to look away but he wouldn't let me. I couldn't register how much taller he'd become when he suddenly grabbed my wrist. "Don't do this, Bells. Don't marry him."

"You've got some nerve, Jacob, you know that?" I tried to shake my arm loose, but his grip was stronger. "Ow, Jake, let go!"

"Jacob."

At the sound of the third voice, he let go of my hand instantly. His face turned all grave and serious when Charlie stepped into the room. He had his severe Chief Swan look, but concern flickered in his gaze when our eyes met. I nodded, a silent confirmation I was fine, and cradled my hand in the one that wasn't hurting.

"Hi, Charlie."

"Why, that's a surprise. We haven't seen you around here in, what, years?"

"Yeah, I thought it was time to get back to that."

"Bells, why don't you get upstairs and change before you ruin your dress," Charlie suggested, momentarily turning his back on Jacob. I saw what he was trying to do; I loved him for it.

"Okay." I barely acknowledged Jacob with as much as a look before I went upstairs.

I opened the door to my room a little fretfully, knowing Alice would be furious with me. I knew that even if Charlie had attempted to calm her down, it wouldn't hold when she saw me. And of course, she flung herself at me as soon as I walked it.

"Bella, what the hell? What were you thinking – "

"Could you help me take the dress off, please?" My voice croaked, which caught me off-guard. For a second it felt I was about to cry.

Whatever she saw in my face, it made her restrain her attack almost instantly. "Of course."

She didn't ask me anything about what happened, which was unlike her, but I appreciated she was trying to give me some privacy. She chatted quite loudly, and asked me dozens of other questions about our plans for a honeymoon, clearly trying to distract me from what was going on downstairs. I struggled to keep up with her, not to think of the short exchange between me and Jacob. I hoped Charlie wouldn't make things worse.

Shortly afterwards, to my relief, she announced she had to go. After insisting she didn't need an escort downstairs, I walked her to the door of my room. There she stood on tiptoes and dropped a kiss on the top of my head. "He's not worth it," she said, in a tone so tender it didn't feel like hers. You've made your choice; you've made the right choice. Don't let anything he said pull you down."

"I know I made the right choice." It wasn't that at all. I wasn't having second thoughts. I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, exactly. Maybe the fact of him being here brought the past all rushing back. It wasn't something I'd been prepared for.

I stayed in my room after Alice left. I didn't feel like going downstairs and bumping into Jacob in case he hadn't left yet. I decided to go back to sleep. I thought I deserved a little nap, considering the early wakeup call I'd got. Besides, I wanted time to pass faster so that Edward could finally be here. I felt very lonely all of a sudden. Unfortunately, I wasn't one of those people who fell asleep as soon as their heads touched the pillows. I tossed and turned for a while, but my body felt too alert. I knew I wasn't even close to falling asleep. Frustrated, I kept my eyes closed, hoping tiredness would kick in eventually.

I didn't know how long afterwards there was a knock on the door, and Charlie poked his head in. He muttered something under his breath, as if scolding himself for waking me.

"I'm up, Dad, come in," I said as I sat up.

He nodded and walked in, and apologized anyway as he seated himself on the edge of my bed. "So, umm, I'm off to the station in a bit; I probably won't be back until much later."

I nodded. I'd already figured as much, since Alice had made sure he'd switch his shifts.

"Alice said she'd be at the Cullens' until after dinner, if you want to stop by later."

"Okay," I said, still searching in his eyes the thing he really intended to tell me by coming here.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long. "Jacob won't bother you again."

"Did you shoot him?" I asked wryly. I couldn't care less if he had.

Charlie shifted uncomfortably. He seemed to be struggling with how to continue. "He was under the impression I… shared his dislike for your choice."

I stared at him in shock. "He tried to ask you to call off the wedding?"

"That was the general hang of it, yeah."

I was too stunned to muster a proper reply.

"Hey, hey, before you snatch my weapon and go after him, you might want to hear what I told him." I pursed my lips and waited. "I explained to even if I don't always agree with your choices, I respect them."

On the surface, it sounded like the beginning of a criticism, but somehow I got the feeling it was an introduction to something else. In a second, we were back at the moment our conversation had been cut off, earlier in the kitchen.

"It's true I wasn't… pleased about you being with Edward, at first. I guess it is sort of two-faced of me after what I've just told you about me wanting you to date someone from town. I guess I was still pinning for you to hook up with Jacob, at the time. But Edward is a good guy, and he loves you. I might not have been happy about it, but I've come to accept it. I told Jake that if he loves you, he has to do the same thing, and if it makes him uncomfortable or upset, then he shouldn't show up to the service on Sunday. But the wedding is on, because this is what you want."

I'd never heard Charlie make such a long speech. I'd never heard him speak in Edward's favor so explicitly. "Where did that come from?" I wondered aloud.

"You're my daughter. I want what's best for you. At some point of the way I… stopped thinking of the what ifs. Who knows what could have happened. You could have done it my way, be with Jacob, and repeat the same mistake your mother and I made, and then I would have spent the rest of my life blaming myself for that, too. If you want to marry Edward, I have no right to tell you otherwise, and neither does Jake."

Emotion conquered speech. I threw my arms around him and buried my head in the crook of his shoulder when his arms slowly tightened around me. "I love you, Dad."

"I love you too, baby. More than you know." He pulled away and ran a hand down my cheek. "I'll leave you so you could get some sleep." I nodded and lay back down. He chuckled to himself as he tucked the covers around me. "I've always wanted to do that." The smile still ghosted on his lips when he gently pressed them to my forehead. "Sleep tight, Bells."

I woke up possibly hours later to the strangest sensation of someone stroking my hair, gently enough to lull me back to sleep. It felt too real so I knew I wasn't dreaming, but then again it only felt like… it could only be…

My eyes fluttered open and there was Edward, kneeling by my bed, smiling tenderly. His hand stilled near my temple and slid down my face, where his fingers drew small circles on my cheek. I leaned my face into his palm and closed my eyes again, only to remember there was no way he could have entered here unless he somehow climbed through the window. My eyes snapped open.

"Charlie called me," he said as I sat up. He came to sit on the side of the bed. "I stopped at the station to take his keys."

I was about to ask since when Charlie was calling him when his next words hit.

"He told me what happened with Jacob."

I lay back down, but held the covers back for him. "Come here."

He didn't hesitate. He kicked his shoes off and joined me. He wrapped his arms around me as soon as he lay down. I rested my head against his chest. "Are you okay?"

"I am now." I felt his lips press to the top of my head. I cuddled closer. "What did Charlie tell you?"

"He was just worried about you, that's all."

Something in his tone implied that he didn't want to talk about it; the same thing that suggested that maybe Charlie told him more than he had told me. I should have cared, maybe, but I didn't. I didn't want to dwell on it just now. Edward was back, and he was here, and that was the only thing that mattered.

"Stay the night," I murmured.

"I already told my mom I won't be coming home tonight," he replied, and his arms tightened around me ever so slightly.

"Have you ever thought…" I started, but soon changed my mind. But it was too late to take the question back. He poked my waist, wordlessly wondering what I meant to say. "Have you ever asked yourself what would have happened if I came to live here, say, ten years ago?"

"No."

The answer, and the resolute tone in which he uttered it, surprised me; I wasn't sure why. I shifted a little so I could look at him.

"If you came to live here, say, ten years ago, who knows if we ended up together," he admitted, smiling sheepishly.

"We might have."

"But we might not. It's a fifty-fifty chance. So I'd rather not think about the what ifs and focus on the present in which I'm marrying you next week," he said, sounding a little smug.

I smiled. "I like this plan."

"So do I," he nodded, his lips meeting mine halfway.

And when I drifted off to sleep in his arms that night, I thought he was right. Who needed what ifs, anyway?