Boosh-dust.
Summery- Stardust/Mighty Boosh crossover. Howard Thorn wishes to impress Victoria Gideon by going beyound their village wall to find a fallen star in a new magical world.
Disclaimer- I do not own the Boosh. I do not own Stardust either, nor the orginal book by Neil Gaiman.
Author's Notes- Noel was originally be in this film, but couldn't due to ill health :( so I'm putting him, well Vince in this now lol. This is also in script form. I also want to thank Buttonsmagoo, SparkieSteph, violence4, stars of andromeda, beechwood, rockchick and sassy-Saz, love you all
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Chapter Four- The Trap and The Ship.
Back in the forest, Vince was jumping at any sounds of movement.
Vince (scared): Hello? Who's there? Howard? This isn't funny!
From the brush comes a unicorn, Vince smiles and reaches out toward it. The unicorn touches the chain and dissolves it, before kneeling before Vince could climb upon its back.
They ride through the woods, while Vince is talking to his mount.
Vince: Maybe he would've kept his promise. I just refuse to listen to him anymore. I mean Victoria this, Victoria that!
Howard returns to the tree, but Vince is gone. He calls out, but no answer came. Sighing, frustrated, he sits by the tree and puts down the bottle he's bought, and begins to eat from the bread. He falls asleep and above him, the stars begin to whisper. He hears them in his sleep, then after he wakes.
Stars: Howard... Vince is in grave danger. The unicorn came to help him, but now they are walking into a trap. No star is safe in Stormhold.
Flashback shots of a red-haired woman in a silver dress like Vince's robes, lying in a crater and being helped up by old, knarled hands.
Stars: The last one fell four hundred years ago and was captured by the same witches who seek Vince now.
Then she is being walked through the witches' manor home, escorted by two old women. Then she is lying on a table, glowing and looking totally content.
Stars: They tricked her, cared for her, and when her heart was once more aglow, they cut it from her chest and ate it.
Howard wakes with a start and looks at the stars.
Stars: There's no time to waste. A coach is coming and by any means possible you must get on it. Run!
He runs through the forest and the Hitcher's carriage approaches. Inside it, all the ghosts are asleep. Howard runs and runs and tries to jump onto it, but crashes into the carriage with a bang and falls. The ghosts are jarred awake and the Hitcher stops the carriage and climbs down, drawing his sword and putting it at the neck of Howard, who is still on the ground.
Hitcher: If Bainbridge insists on sending a boy to do a man's job...
Howard: No! Please, I don't know any Bainbridge. I just need a lift. Look at me, I'm unarmed. Please, let me ride with you.
The Hitcher pulls his sword back but shakes his head, returning to his carriage.
Hitcher: I'm afraid that's impossible, boy. I'm on a journey of great importance.
Howard: That's a great reason to take me with you. You might need a second pair of hands. Sir, please. Maybe fate sent me to you as it sent you to me.
There is a short pause. Then:
Hitcher: Get on.
Howard: Oh, thank you.
He climbs on and they ride off.
--
At the inn, Vince has arrived on the unicorn. Saboo opens the door, overacting the part of a kindly innkeeper.
Saboo: Oh my, you must be freezing. Come in, we'll get you out of your wet things. And perhaps a hot bath, too.
He gently leads Vince in, then glares at the unicorn, who seems suspicious of her, and slams the door on it.
Saboo: My business partner will see to your mount. Billy!
Billy, who has been chewing a washcloth, jumps onto the bar, then down the other side and walks past. Vince just stares and Saboo groans in his hands.
Saboo: How do you like your bath? Warm or hot?
Vince: I…don't know.
Saboo tells Vince to follow him, as he fills the bath in west of the inn, Vince relaxes in the waters as Saboo leans over and subtly puts his finger in the water, magically healing Vince's ankle.
Saboo: And your ankle?
Vince (smiling): That's amazing.
He is beginning to shine again as Saboo leads him upstairs and turns down the bed.
Saboo: I'm told I have a healer's hands. I could give you a massage.
Vince (confused): What's a massage?
Saboo (fake-shocked): What- never had a massage? Let me show you.
Saboo guides Vince to lay down and close his eyes. A knife is under the bed and he's reaching for it when there is a knock at the door. Saboo excuses himself and moves out the door angrily.
--
The Hitcher and Howard have arrived at the inn, the prince knocking while Howard holds the horses.
Howard: Perhaps we should try the next inn, if the stone is as close as your runes say.
Hitcher: I'll try it one more time, boy.
Billy opens the latch with his teeth.
Hitcher: Ah, at last, squire. We need somewhere for the night mate. Howard here will help you with the horses
Billy just grunts, gaining an odd look from The Hitcher who walks in. He sees the bath and sighs in gladness and a minute later he slips into the water.
Upstairs, Saboo opens a bottle of poison and pours it into a cup and downstairs, Vince waks in dressed in his bathrobe, the necklace visible. The Hitcher assumes he is the master of the inn and talks with him. Vince is not quite understanding the prince and tries to excuse himself.
Hitcher: I've just stabled my four black stallions and my carriage. I say mine, it belongs to my late father, the poor geezer.
The ghosts see the necklace and snap at him, who of course doesn't hear them.
Saboo enters, the poison wine on a tray in her hand.
Saboo: I'll thank you not to disturb my guests, sir. I am the master of this inn. Some wine?
Primus (hesitating): No thanks mate, I'll only drink my own wine until my brother's dead. But perhaps my friend in the stables woul like some...
Saboo forces a smile and gives the tray to Old Gregg, who walks outside.
--
In the stables, Howard is putting away the horses when the girl/Gregg walks in. Howard smiles at her.
Howard: Oh, thank you. What's your name?
Bernard replies in a very high, male voice.
Girl/Gregg: I'm Old Gregg.
Howards brow furrows as 'she' walks out. The unicorn breaks out of its stall and towards him, knocking him over and spilling the drink. Tristan looks up and the unicorn's foreleg is pointing towards the fallen liquid, which is burning into the floor. Howards eyes widen and he gets up and runs to the inside of the inn.
--
In the main inn, Saboo is storming about upstairs and fetching his knife. Hitcher finally notices Vince's necklace.
Primus: You have no idea what you're dealing with, boy.
Vince glances down at it, rather confused.
Howard bursts in, soaked.
Howard: Prince Hitcher!
But it's too late as Saboo has returned and slits The Hitcher's throat. The blood is blue and the ghosts cringe and watch as a ghostly Hitcher appears with them. Spider points down and The Hitcher realises he died naked.
Howard has run to Vince and they try to escape, but Saboo sends his green fire all around them and approaches with the knife.
Saboo: A frightened heart is better than no heart at all.
Howard has pulled out the stub of the Babylon candle.
Howard: Hold me tight and think of home.
Vince grabs him and Howard puts his hand with the candle into the fire. The candle ignites as Saboo stabs at them and they vanish, his knife splits against the wall.
--
Howard and Vince find themselves standing on a cloud, in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Howard: What did you do?
Vince: What did I do? What did you do?
Howard: You were supposed to think of my home!
Vince: You just said "home"! So, you thought of your home and I thought of mine, and now we're halfway between the two!
Howard: Some crazy man's about to cut your heart out and you want better instructions? How about a diagram, or an illustration?
Their argument is cut short however, when a net catches them and they are dumped on the deck of a flying ship, the El Sonido Nuevo. The crew on board argue about why they might be there. The Captain, Rudi appear dressed in brown trousers and a white shirt, with a black waist-jacket over it.
Rudi: Why else would anyone be up here in a storm? Well, let's think... maybe for the same reason we are! Let's just let them spend a night in the brig to loosen their tounges.
--
Morning came at the site of the inn. Everything is gone, save for Saboo's overturned cart, a dead white goat and The Hitcher's body in the tub, his blood having turned all the water blue.
Bainbridge and his men have arrived and he realises he's now king, but still needs the stone.
Bainbridge (walking back to his men): I'm king now! But I still need that stone for the power of Stormhold.
He stands by the cart and jumps as something grabs his ankle. Old Gregg, back to his normal self, crawls out from underneath it. Bainbridge holds a knife to his throat and demands information.
Gregg: Old Gregg just heard that Hitcher fella talk about a stone this young man wore, who was the target of a trap set by a man you should pray you'll never meet.
Bainbridge: Was this 'powerful' man after my stone?
Gregg: No, he wanted to the young man's heart, to cut it out...
Bainbridge: ...and eat it. So, this young man's a star and if I eat his heart when I become King, I'll rule this kingdom forever
Saboo meanwhile contacts his sisters again, who critcise him.
Antrax: The star is airbourne, you'll never get him now.
Ebola: We'll contact you once he's landed.
--
In the brig on the flying ship, Vince and Howard are tied back-to-back, drying slowly.
Vince (slightly scared): They're going to kill us, aren't they?
Howard (sighing): I don't know.
Vince: You know, I used to watch people having adventures and I envied them.
Howard: You ever heard the expression "Be careful of what you wish for"?
Vince (angry): So I deserve to be hunted for my heart!
Howard: I didn't mean it like that. Look, I admire your dream. A shop boy like me, I never imagined an adventure this big. I just thought I'd find some celestial rock, take it home and that would be it.
Vince: Instead, you got me.
They laugh a little and the mood lightens a bit.
Vince: If I've learnt one thing from all my years watching Earth, is that people aren't what they may seem. There are shop boys and there are boys that just happened to work in a shop for the time being.
Howard smiles, recalling his own words to Victoria.
Vince: And trust me Howard, you're no shop boy. You saved my life, mate. Thanks.
Their hands are tied back to back and Vince manages to reach out to brush his fingers with Howard's, unfortunatly his burnt fingers, so he winces a little.
Vince: Tell me about this Victoria then.
Howard: Well, she... she...
Howard trails off, not knowing what to say.
Howard: There's nothing else to tell you really.
Vince: The only thing I know about love is that it's unconditional. It's not something you can buy.
Howard: Hang on! This wasn't about me trying to buy her love, this was to prove to her how I felt.
Vince: Right... and what's she doing to prove how she feels about you?
Howard: Well...
He realises Vince has a very good point.
Tristan: Look Vince, you'll understand when you meet her, all right? If we don't get murdered by pirates first.
Vince (sarcastically): Mmm... Murdered by pirates, heart ripped out and eaten, meeting Victoria... I can't quite decide which sounds more fun...
Then the door opens and Rudi enters to interrogate his prisoners. The crew peek through a small hole, but mostly they just listen.
Rudi: This is the part where you tell me who you are and why you're here.
Howard: My name is Howard Thorn and this is my husband.
Rudi: He's too good for just one man. It's share and share alike on this ship!
Outside, the crew cheer and Vince looks terrified.
Howard: Leave him alone!
Rudi: You might think you're being brave in front of your friend, but if you talk like that again I'll cut out your tounge and feed it to the dogs...
Howard: Sir...
Rudi: Better, but you're still interrupting me.
Howard: We're just trying to get home to my village of Wall
Rudi (surprised): What?
Howard: We're trying to get home to Wall.
Rudi: That's one lie too many, sonny Jim!
He grabs at Howard and outside, the crew chatter excitedly.
Crewman: Captain's gonna throw him overboard!
Rudi's crew hurry up onto deck and to the rail just in time to see Rudi throw out of the window a figure that certainly looks like Howard, which falls to earth and vanishes. Rudi appears on deck, dragging Vince with him towards his cabin.
Rudi: I'm not to be disturbed for the next four hours. Anyone who does so, I'll do the same to you.
Crewman: You mean…?
He makes a gesture towards Vince.
Rudi: No, I mean throw you overboard!
Crewman: Oh.
Rudi throws Vince in.
Rudi: Get in, wench!
He locks the doors and turns toward Vince. Howard is standing by the window in his undergarments and Rudi reaches out a very gentlemanly hand to Vince.
Rudi: Now, tell me of my beloved England, I want to know everything.
Vince: I can't believe your crew fell for that. And where in God's name you get that mannaquin?
Rudi turns a lamp ninety degrees, revealing a secret closet filled with flamboyant, brightly coloured clothes and robes. He offers Vince choice of any clothing inside.
Vince smiles and begins to look through the racks. Rudi takes out a set of men's clothes and holds them up to Howard, then places some purple robes on himself, taking the short wig he was wearing off to reveal a large afro.
Rudi: We only have two hours before we make port.
He has Howard in front of a mirror, wearing the new trousers and shirt.
Rudi: I used to dream of crossing the Wall to England in much the same way that you, Howard dream of traveling to far away places for adventure. In Stormhold, stories of England were folklore and I wished to find the new sound there.
He then has Howard in a chair and is giving him a haircut. First he cuts all the hair short, then uses some sort of magic comb to lengthen it until Howard looks very, very femenine. Vince is sitting nearby in his new blue robes, looking lovely.
Rudi: When I'm done, your own mother won't recognise you. Anyway, my father used to own this ship and when he died I took over it. The crew has never known about me being a High Preist of the English Psychedelic Monks, I'd lose their respect otherwise and I need them to help me find my new sound.
Howard: Why can't you be yourself?
Vince (hypocritical): Why would anyone do that?
Howard clearly gets the point.
--
Rudi, dressed as the daring captain once more, and his men take a large crate into a dingy room. The door says "Spirit of Jazz's Office" and Vince is with them, looking lovely with his hair tied up.
Rudi: 10,000 bolts of high-quality lightning right here. Seeing as I'm feeling particularly generous today I'll settle for two hundred guineas.
Spirit of Jazz: Two hundred? You're kidding, man (to crew) Has he been staying up where the air's too thin again?
The Spirit chuckles again, raising his hat quickly and making a "cuckoo" whistle, looking at Vince who is nodding with a bewildered look on his face.
Rudi (dead serious): You're being very rude.
Spirit of Jazz drops the attempt at humour.
S.o.J: Not anymore.
Rudi: Two hundred.
S.o.J: 150
Rudi: Two hundred.
S.o.J: 185
Rudi: Two hundred.
S.o.J: That's not negotiation, man. I'm changing my price.
Rudi: Two hundred.
S.o.J: 195
Rudi: Deal. And with sales tax that's… two hundred.
S.o.J (giving up): Right.
He takes Rudi aside. Vince follows, but the spirit glares at him to ward him off. Vince stands back, but listens in.
S.o.J: Everyone's talking about fallen stars, man. You seen anything like that on your travels?
Rudi: Stars?
He looks at Vince, who looks worried and clicks. He replies negative and they continue their discussion until Dennis walks in, hoping to get more magic.
Back at the Ship, the crew notice a strange man sitting on their cargo in the middle of the deck. It's Howard, with new clothes, new haircut and faking smoking a pipe. The crew are ready to attack but Rudi stops them.
Rudi: My nephew, the notorious buccaneer Howard Thorn.
Howard tries to look heroic but coughs due to the pipe smoke.
Rudi: I have a gift for you.
He pushes Vince towards him and Howard is very courteous as he catches him, until he realises the crew expect otherwise, so he grabs Vince and shakes a fist, and the crew cheer. During their stay on the ship, Rudi teaches Howard to fight with his new sword, Howard has dinner with Vince in the captain's cabin while Rudi pours their wine, he even teaches Vince to play the piano.
On deck of the ship one night, a pirate cranks a record player. The other pirates and Howard are sitting around watching as Rudi teaches Vince to dance. He's glowing softly and Ruci talks softly into his ear.
Rudi: Vince... I know what you are.
Vince stops glowing, suddenly afraid.
Rudi: Have no fear, no one on this ship will harm you. But there are many that would. Your emotions give you away, Vince, you must learn to control them. You've been glowing more brightly every day and I think you know why.
Vince: Of course I know why I'm glowing, I'm a star! And what do stars do best?
Rudi: Well, certainly not the waltz.
Howard has stood up and now taps Rudi on the shoulder. He turns the dance over to Howard and as they dance, Vince glows again.
--
A coin spins in midair in the Spirit of Jazz's office.
Saboo: Due west, you say? And you're sure he had a young man with him?
S.o.J briefly looks away from the coin to Saboo, who is circling the room and a shawl wrapped over his hair.
S.o.J: Yeah, man.
Saboo: You're sure? Absolutely sure you're not lying?
S.o.J: I'd cross my heart if I had one.
Saboo: You'd better be telling the truth, you two-faced dog.
S.o.J: I can get you one of them, actually, make excellent guard dogs. They can watch the back and the front door at the same time, can get you anything you want.
Saboo: What are the chances of getting a Babylon candle?
The spirit winces and begins to clean his ear. Saboo is picking up various objects, inspecting them before keeping a few and putting others down.
S.o.J: That one's slim.
Saboo, irritated, points a finger directly into the spirit's mouth.
Saboo: Enough.
The Spirit of Jazz tries to reply, but can only make parrot sounds. Saboo uncaringly picks up an ugly black wig and looks at it, before placing it on his now bald head and walking out
--
The El Sonido Nuevo is awkwardly landing in a lake.
Crewman: Hold on! The captain's at the helm!
Rudi is apparently not much of a pilot. They bounce a bit and Howard and Vince, who are at the bow and is enjoying the thrill of flight, completely soaked by the impact.
Rudi lets them off the ship. Vince is now wearing a pale blue cloak over his robes and Rudi gives Howard a canister of lightning.
Rudi: There you are, the road you need for Wall.
Vince: How can we ever thank you?
Rudi: Don't mention it. No, really, don't. Reputation and all.
Vince has already climbed down to the deck, but Rudi stops Howard and whispers something to him, making Vince curious.
Rudi: Just think about it.
Howard climbs down, looking pensive. Rudi farewells them gently, then remembers the presence of his crew.
Rudi: I mean… don't you let that wench get away now!
The crew cheers, the first mate rolls his eyes.
They then started to walk across the countryside, away from the ship which is docked in the background.
Vince (still curious): What did he say to you?
Howard: Oh… just advice on how to use the lightning. You know, how much to bargain for it.
Vince doesn't believe him.
--
Bainbridge has tracked down the spirit and is questioning him, or is trying to. The Sprirt of Jazz can only make parrot sounds.
Bainbridge: Are you mocking me?
The jazz spirit shakes his head and tries to speak.
Bainbridge: You have seconds to live.
When the jazzy being still fails to give a good answer, Bainbridge stabs him. He walks away and hands the knife to a soldier.
Bainbridge: Clean this. Thoroughly.
Meanwhile, Saboo contacts his sisters again.
Antrax: He is no longer airbourne and is heading for the maket town.
Ebola: If you cut across the swamps, you should get their in time.
--
Howard and Vince are walking and talking with each other, then Howard hears the approach of someone's voice and quickly shoves Vince into the bushes, landing on top of him.
Howard: Sorry, but I don't want to risk anyone seeing you.
Vince is glowing once more.
Vince: Aren't you tempted?
Howard: Tempted by what?
Vince: Immortality. Let's say it wasn't my heart, not me either, just a star you didn't know.
Howard (shocked): You seriously think I could kill anybody?
Vince smiles, indicating not. Howard laughs at himself.
Howard: Even if I could, I mean, everlasting life? It would be kind of lonely unless you had someone to share it with, someone you loved. Then it might be different.
He then looks away into the distance. Vince's glow has ceased and he is saddened, as Howard doesn't seem to be thinking of him.
The noise has passed and Howard stands and helps Vince up, then they continue to walk.
--
Wow, even longer chapter great. It took me ages to think of Rudi as the captain lol i hope you all enjoy it from chugirl2526.