Edward the Sugar Queen
Chapter 4- Bella's Army
Bella just couldn't understand it. She was young, smart- and in her opinion- pretty damn gorgeous—So why doesn't Edward love me!?
Fuming in her room, she tried to assess the situation logically. Edward didn't love her because he loved Charlie. Now, if she tied her father to the railway tracks and—
No. Maybe that was going too far. But why did he love Charlie? That was what she questioned next.
I mean… he's not bad looking, I suppose, but… What Bella meant was, why ever would he prefer Charlie over her? She couldn't figure it out.
The realisation hit her like a stampeding hippopotamus.
It was the sugar.
The sugar was driving him crazy, confusing his senses. That was why he thought he was in love with Charlie. He didn't realise Charlie was middle-aged and male! Wait—Edward thought Charlie was Bella! That had to be it. He really did love her!
"Oh, Eddy-darling, I love you too," she murmured deliriously, waltzing the room with her imaginary Edward in her arms.
"As I love you," he said huskily, his hands clasped in hers as they moved together.
"Hold me closer…" she whispered. He nibbled delicately on her ear.
"Oh Edward…"
He bit it off.
"Ahh!" she screamed, snapping out of her daydream. She felt her ear; it was clean and whole.
"I really gotta lay off the chicken vindaloos…" she muttered to herself.
There was only one thing to do. She would have to turn Edward the Sugar Queen into a recovering sugarholic. But for this plan, she would need help. It was time to find some recruits.
x
Thankfully for Bella, she had already amassed quite a fanclub in town. The last new person to move into Forks came fifty years ago, and hence the town had developed a terrible problem with inbreeding. There was Jessica Stanley, who had two heads which constantly squabbled with one another; Eric Yorkie, with ingrown yellow toenails the size of Volkswagens; and the luckier ones such as Mike Newton, who just had a few extra fingers.
So when moderately pretty Bella Swan arrived, the entire male population of Forks jumped for joy, and mothers sobbed in happiness that grandchildren born without sixty cubic feet of body hair might become a reality, and not just a dream.
Bella became the coolest cat in town, and was never to be seen without at least half a dozen boys hanging off her arm. Dressed in a smoking jacket, pin-striped trousers and designer sunglasses, Bella walked the walk in the streets of Forks.
Of course, realised Bella, as she and her posse gambolled down to La Push, she could never truly be happy. All these boys loving her, asking her out, and she always had to sigh and decline, for it was the Sugar Queen her heart desired. Oh, such cruelty! Bella felt like the heroine of the Greek tragedy! She wiped the tears away from under her sunglasses.
Puffing on a cigarette, Bella and her gang reached the First Beach, where a group of Indians were drawing rude pictures in the sand. She put her fag out on one of Mike Newton's spare fingers and loped towards them, for she had heard strange rumours concerning the Indians of La Push and the kids of the Cullen Institution.
She put the question to them immediately.
"What do you know about the Cullens?"
"The Cullens don't come here," said Sam mysteriously, a freakishly tall boy whose blind parents must have mistaken for a Mr-Stretch doll.
"Why?" said Bella eagerly. "Because they're vampires?"
All the Indians burst out into bellowing laughter.
"Of course not!" exclaimed Sam. "It's because they're freaking loonies!"
"Oh," said Bella, disappointed. On her internal list of recruits, she wrote a bold NO and then circled it several times.
It was then she noticed a smaller boy standing by Sam's side, wearing a red leash around his neck. He was giving her the eye.
"Come with me," Bella said, and she dragged Jacob away. Her posse made to follow her, but she turned and commanded, "Stay," and they all ducked their heads and drew back, mumbling, "Yes mistress…"
Bella pulled Jacob towards the shoreline. There was something the Indians weren't telling her, and she knew exactly how to find out; like a skilled honey-trapper, a seductress, she turned on the charm.
"I like your socks," Bella squeaked, pointing to his mismatched half-tucked, half untucked pair.
Thankfully for Bella, Jacob was already in love.
"Thanks," he peeped, blushing, as the two of them sat down of logs of splintered driftwood.
She's nothing like any other girl I've met, he thought breathlessly. She's perfect in absolutely every way. She only has one head, for the first thing.
"So… I guess everyone here really don't like the Cullens, huh?" Bella said innocently.
For some reason, Jacob blushed again, scratching embarrassedly under his leash.
"Ah, well- you see… I shouldn't really tell you this, but…"
She smiled at him endearingly.
"But I suppose if its just you… well, the reason you've heard rumours about vampires is because, about a couple of months ago, one of the Cullen kids came down here- Jasper, I think his name was. And he said he needed the toilet. There's only one toilet on the reservation, but we let him use it. He was in there for six hours, and Harry Clearwater's bladder exploded."
Bella stared at him.
"Yeah, I know. So the elders weren't chuffed, and they went around telling everyone the Cullens were vampires so that they could put a stake in Jasper's chest. Only, Chief Swan caught 'em and now Harry's in prison for attempted murder."
"But what did he do in the bathroom for so long?" Bella asked, flabbergasted.
"Ah, well, that's the mystery. Some say he really was trying to go all that time, others that he was designing weapons of mass destruction. All I know is that they found him in there with a book of sudoku, a pair of rubber gloves and a powerdrill."
Bella blinked.
"I love you!" Jacob blurted out.
She smiled at him. "Do you have a large person-sized net, Jacob?"
"Um… well yes," he said, puzzled.
"Then I love you too. Now let's go walkies." She whistled at him, and he woofed eagerly. He nudged his leash towards her, and she picked it up, talking him for a walk across the golden sand, Jacob barking enthusiastically at seagulls.
Now, Bella had everything for her next plan, and there was a new glint in her eye and a spring in her step as she walked.
"Don't worry Edward," she whispered intensely, passionately. "I'm coming to save you."
A/N- This chapter makes us sad, because there was no Edward. He should be back next chapter though, and back up to his sugary tricks. But will Bella succeed with her dastardly plan and turn the Sugar Queen into Edward the Sugar-free!? It's too cruel, surely?
Next chapter should be around soon. Now please excuse us while I and Mini Willy Wonka go snort some raspberry sherbet.