4.
I look out the passenger side window, watching the colors blur as the scenery rushes past the car. I can't seem to remember the last time I sat in a car, I've ridden a bus to and from school but that was about it. Anxiety makes my stomach churn as I think of what lay ahead. Mrs. Sarah takes side long glances, searching me, for reasons I couldn't place. My fingers fidget in my lap, and leg bounces up and down with anticipation. I try to make time go by slower by watching the clock and focusing on every minute detail that is going on in the car, like Mrs. Sarah's fingers thumping the steering wheel, but in these five minutes the world has never spun faster. Mrs. Sarah pulls over onto the curb, and twists the key; soon the purr of the engine dies off. My heart begins to hammer in my chest; I'm surprised I'm not having a heart attack. Mrs. Sarah looks over at me with sparkling eyes and an eager smile.
"You ready for this?" She beams. As much as I want to say 'hells no bring me back to the orphanage', I remember to close my eyes and let all emotions fade until I can hardly feel them. I open them again and give a tight nod. "Okay then lets go!" She squirms to unbuckle her seat belt and practically kicks out the door. I suck in a deep breath and swallow down any left over bubbling emotions. I slowly unbuckle my own seat belt and hesitate before opening the door. I swing my legs out first before pulling the rest of me out by holding onto the sides of the door. I stand up and am welcomed by a pouncing Mrs. Sarah and squeals that make me want to grimace. I can tell that she is hugging someone, no wait, let me start over. I can tell that she is squeezing someone to death, but I can't see the persons face because of Mrs. Sarah fritting this way and that, bouncing up and down. My heart clenches as she steps away to reveal a gorgeous man in front of her.
It isn't hard for him and me to find each others gaze. Staring back at me are glittering hazel eyes that are all too familiar. The man's light brown hair is thrown into a messy style, that only makes him that much more attractive and his soft lips are pulled upwards into a crooked smile, that made my heart melt. His sharp cheek bones gave him a look of fierceness, but the compassionate look in his eyes said otherwise. His sharp nose reminded me of faint memories that were buzzing through my head. Although it is in the middle of November, and the cool winter air is starting to take its hold, you could tell that this man had been working out so he was hot (it should be known that I used both meanings of this word here) and was wearing a t-shirt. The man moves his muscular arm, which is covered in a sleek shirt of sweat, up to his head to run his fingers through his hair.
"Well, geese Miranda, you look so…different." He has a twinkle in his eyes, so I know that he means it in a good way, but he is expecting me to act the way I used to when I was with him. I take an invisible deep breath, getting ready for my ultimate test of character. I cross my arms over my chest and make my eyebrows shoot up.
"Well Chris, is different good or bad?" I say, having a little shard of happiness being returned to me, because he is now with me again, and he was the one who took all my happiness with him in the first place. His eyes light up when he realizes that I was the same girl that he so desperately didn't want to leave.
"Hmmm, well lets see…" He takes long strides to get over to me and starts to look at me up and down with narrowed eyes, studying me. I feel self-conscious but I try to hide it, for the Miranda he left behind was confident and wouldn't back down for ANYTHING, nothing at all. Unfortunately, when he left that Miranda behind, I left her behind as well. He reaches out and twirls a strand of my hair around his large masculine finger. I feel his warm breath caressing my cheek, smelling like spear mint, smelling just like always. "The hair is a little darker and shorter; making you look a little more mature, and trust me you needed that." He chuckles. He then pulls my chin up and his gaze bores into mine, but it's not uncomforting like Sam's gaze had been. I feel like I could see all of his emotions flooding into his eyes. I'm not nervous with him, like I was with Sam. I feel content, comfortable and safe knowing that Chris was right next to me, no longer hundreds of miles away. My best friend is here, someone who understood me and someone who would catch me next time I fall. "Your eyes changed color since last time I saw you, they seem a lot prettier." He says a little quieter, still looking into my eyes. We stand there for a couple more moments, I'm not really sure how long exactly, because I am so mesmerized by Chris's eyes. How could such normally plain things become so interesting! Suddenly he is pulled out of our trance and rests his head on top of mine. "Look I'm also taller then you now!" We both start to laugh at this, remembering how before I was a couple inches taller then him. "All in all, I'd say this is a very good different." He steps away from me and looks at me up and down again, while I slightly blush at his complements.
"Well, you certainly look quiet attractive yourself! What happened to my geeky nerd friend? Its like he died and his angel came down to take his place!" I put a little attitude onto my words, knowing that I had to sound crafty, happy, sly, and sweet all at the same time. He laughs at this and pulls me into a warm bear hug.
"It's been a while hasn't it?" His lips brush against my hair, while I stand there like a complete idiot. I seem to have forgotten how to hug like I mean it. Slowly my arms reach up his back and I lightly hold onto him, scared that this is all a dream. But when I close my eyes and feel his warmth radiating off his skin, and his hard, muscular chest pressed up against my cheek I tighten my arms around him, knowing that it couldn't be a dream. I hold onto him, making sure that he would never let me go ever again.
"It certainly has been much too long." I reply in a whisper. Scenes of my childhood with him flash through my mind as his scent overwhelms me. Axe and his usual fresh and clean smell fill my nose, with a tint of sweat. Although it doesn't sound like a very good scent, it is the best smell I have ever discovered. With Chris everything is amazing though, his laugh relieves my ears from the annoying pounding that always seems to drown out all the other sounds, and I would choose to see him smile then see the most beautiful sight in the world any day, because his smile is the best view in the universe.
"I missed you Miranda." He says tightening his grip around my arms and shoulders. My response is automatic, for I have wished to say these words for so long, I nearly killed myself over these words, literally.
"I missed you too, Chris." My words are so true, it hurts, it hurts so much that my eyes start to sting and my heart begins to ache with a terrible pain. My voice doesn't hide my emotions, it sounds broken and shattered. I didn't want to hide my emotions for the first time since Chris left, because I knew these words were supposed to be spoken with true and pure meaning. I find myself clinging to him, fighting back tears that were threatening to fall. Of coarse Chris notices the way my voice wavers, so he starts to rub my back, knowing that this would comfort me, just like he always did.
"Life sure has been crappy without you." He whispers in my ear, his breath warming my cheek, making me tremble. I hear how his voice is dripping in sadness and my hands clench around his shirt, knowing that my life had grown out of control without him setting me back on track. I stand on my tiptoes, for this is the only way I can whisper in his ear.
"My life has become so incredibly lonely and shitty since you left." I can even hear the sincerity in my own voice as I say it. Once I finish telling him how my life has become I resume my previous position, loving the way his body feels so warm and safe. We both just stand there enjoying being in each others arms again. I realize how I don't really care if he figured out how screwed up my life has become, as long as he doesn't figure out how far I've actually fallen. Someone clears her throat behind Chris, and we finally break our embrace. I blush, when I realize that I have forgotten about Mrs. Sarah and notice how I was lost in Chris's aroma and body.
"Okay, are you guy's ready to help me unpack?" Chris asks us.
"You know it!" I announce lightly punching Chris's arm. Chris looks back down at me with glittering eyes.
"Okay then follow me!" Chris motions us to follow him. I'd follow you anywhere. My inner self comments, but I shake the idea out of my head. We are just friends, I tell myself, besides he would never like you that way. I watch him walk over to his black Toyota Camry, watching the way his eyes sparkled and the way his tongue runs over his smooth lips. Mrs. Sarah is already next to him asking questions that I am curious about too, but I seem to be frozen into place, looking at Chris with new eyes. He always was attractive to me, but now it seems like my eyes have been opened for the first time to true beauty. A slight smile curls my lips at the sight of Chris laughing at whatever Mrs. Sarah had said. I want to be the one to make him smile, I think to myself. I want to be the one to make him laugh, so I could hear true music. I want to be lost in his arms forever, because that is where I could ever be completely and totally happy.
"Miranda are you coming?" Chris looks at me with worrisome eyes. I beam at him and put a hand on my hip for attitude.
"Don't worry pretty boy, I never said anything that meant I wasn't coming." My eyes sparkle as I come over to him, taking a box that weighed a ton. If I had to do this for anyone else I would have dropped the box, not caring about breaking anything, but because I am doing it for Chris, I take extra care in handling the box, making sure to not jolt the box too much, in fear of something breaking. I wait for Chris to grab a box and to close his trunk, not wanting to loose sight of him. Mrs. Sarah is already in the apartments lobby, practically skipping, as Chris and I tag along.
"So you're life hasn't been spectacular in the past couple years?" Chris eyes dart all around my face, looking at every pore and every line, trying to compare me to my younger self.
"No, its been so dead and boring, I don't often go out to hang with my friends and I feel like I'm stuck in the same routine." I don't even brush upon how upsetting my life is, I could tell him the basics, because I refused to lie to Chris, but what he didn't know would not hurt him. "But what about you! You got adopted by such nice people. I mean your mom seemed super kind and-" I stop when I see his body tense and his eyes become dark and distant. My smile fades and I look up at him with sad eyes. "Something happened to your mom." I state, knowing just based on his reaction. Chris just stares straight ahead, not seeing anything or anyone.
"She passed away a year ago." He finally manages to say. I flinch at how cold and broken his voice sounds. Suddenly I am filled with anger; it wasn't fair for him to have to go through death so many times. My hands clutch the box tighter and I frown.
"Well shit Chris I'm sorry you've been through so much, and here I thought I had the worst of it." By the end of the sentence the anger that burns in my veins reflects in my voice, but the bitterness in my voice is directed at me, not at Chris. How selfish could I be! I thought my life was so hard and terrible when Chris was watching all the important people in his life die right in front of him. I bite my tongue trying to extinguish the sudden flash of emotion that had suddenly won over all of my past moments of happiness. Chris stops and stands in the middle of the apartments lobby, and I stop as well. His eyes are so dark with remorse and sadness that I have to put down my box to comfort him. His lips were pressed together in a tight line, pushing back any sounds that would later prove him to be weak. He swallows, probably swallowing down a non-existing rock in his throat. It kills me to see him like this, so for the first time in the longest time, I reach out. My hand hesitantly holds onto his arm, with hardly any force being exerted, while my other hand folds on top of his trying to calm him down, because if he doesn't, the box's life might come to an end within the next couple seconds. Chris seals his eyes shut once he feels me touching him, but before long he opens his eyes and smiles down at me.
"It's fine, I'm fine. Don't worry about it, I'll tell you about it later, but right now we don't want sad sappy stories, we want to have a fun reunion!" He says confidently, even though I can still hear a tinge of uncertainty in his voice. "Oh come on now, don't look at me like that! I told you I'm fine, now let's go unpack." He turns from me, but not fast enough for me to not see the vulnerable, hurt look, return to his face. I pick up my box and follow him; however the feeling of unease still swirls around in my head. I know it is none of my business, but I suddenly feel the need to know what is wrong, and what has happened. We walk over to where Mrs. Sarah is anxiously waiting for us, by the elevator.
"Everything ok?" Mrs. Sarah asks, probably noticing the way we stopped in the middle of the lobby.
"Everything's fine, I just dropped something out of my box and Miranda went to pick it up." Chris answers before I can even open my mouth to reply. I look at him with a little bit of curiosity. I had always thought that he told Mrs. Sarah everything, but yet he kept something really important to just the two of us. I didn't know if he just didn't like to bring it up, especially now when it is supposed to be happy (most likely) or he actually isn't planning on telling Mrs. Sarah every detail of his life anymore. Either way, it filled me with a little joy, knowing that he told me something that he hasn't told anyone else…at least for now. I had no idea why, after all it is such a pathetic thing to get excited about.
"Oh, I see. Anyway I can not wait to see your new apartment! Is it large and nice? I guess as long as there isn't a giant hole in the wall, or any mice running around, it can be considered nice. Nice enough anyway." Mrs. Sarah disregards the way Chris answers her question too quickly, but then again maybe I was the only one to notice it. Chris's glance flicker to mine for a moment, but then, once he see's me looking at him, returns his attention to Mrs. Sarah.
"Well, it's nothing spectacular, but it has a fridge, stove, and bathroom so it's good enough for me." Chris's mouth twitches up into a smile, but the usual sparkle that is usually there never comes. I study his face closely for the first time, and flinch at what I find. His usual bright and happy face, which could light up the world better then the sun can, is unnaturally cheerless and dark. There are dark circles under his eyes, indicating that he had few hours of sleep, if that. His smooth clean face is unshaven (it isn't a beard or anything near that, but there are tiny stubs of hair). His hair is a little wet, showing that the 'sweat' that I saw on him earlier probably was from a shower that he threw himself into right before we got there. His hair is also crazier than normal, despite it's dampness, and a few strands fell into his eyes. His creamy white skin now is pale and transparent. His cheek bones stood out more, but they stood out too much to be from loosing baby fat, signaling that he is under eating. My focus is lost though when the elevator doors slide open, and I am forced to look away, knowing that Chris would be able to basically feel my stare, without all of the previous distractions.
"That's my Chris! Not phased by minor setbacks in life." Mrs. Sarah continues as if Chris is still the tiny kid that left me. Am I the only one to notice how horrible he looks? Not that he looks unattractive, more like pained. Chris is no longer the little kid whom I always teased and made friends with, he has changed, just like me.
Chris just smiles at her before pushing the button to level 13, the top floor. "It's a little bit of a hike, but I'd rather do this then go back to the orphanage. No offense or anything, it's just I'm excited to see what life is really like after school." I glance away from his features, trying to force the sudden rush of agony, back down. He didn't want to come back to the orphanage, even if that meant leaving me alone again. I clench my teeth together and soon I'm back to feeling nothing and looking as blank as a plain piece of paper.
"Just remember that I really shouldn't be doing this in the first place, so if you run into even the tiniest trouble, come back." Mrs. Sarah's eyes burn with fierceness as they bore into Chris's eyes. Chris just puts on one of those crooked smiles that always turned his face from a man's to a god's, and shrugs his broad shoulders in reply. His look basically spells out 'yeah…right…maybe'.
"I am serious Chris. You have to promise me that if anything and I mean ANYTHING, goes wrong, then you will come and speak with me. Do you promise?" Mrs. Sarah's voice suddenly becomes bone chillingly serious and the light heartedness in her eyes completely fades. Chris fidgets under her gaze and is forced to surrender.
"Alright, alright, I promise." When Chris's shoulders sag in defeat, it makes him look even more miserable, but I push the thought aside, though it's impossible to forget about it completely. After all I seemed like the only one to notice it; I am probably looking too closely. Just then the elevator doors snap open only to reveal a long hallway of doors. Mrs. Sarah is already at the end of the hall before anyone could even think 'what the…?'
"How does she even know where to go?" I wonder out loud. Chris and I step out of the elevator and begin to walk.
"You missed it when you were standing there with your mouth wide open while we were unpacking the car." Chris turns to me and balances the box in one arm, and reaches out with the other. He pulls on my chin to open my mouth then inspects the inside. His warm hand somehow wraps my body in some sort of invisible electricity. And even when he drops his hand, my chin still somehow feels the warmth. "That's strange, I thought I saw a fly go in there while you were staring at us. You must have eaten it." His blazing green eyes entrap me in their mystery. I scowl at him nonetheless.
"I wouldn't be talking considering you-"
"Are you guys coming or what?" Mrs. Sarah completely cuts me off. Darn, I had a really good comeback for him. Our eyes immediately swivel to where Mrs. Sarah is pouncing up and down, and we both sigh at the same time.
"Sometimes she acts younger than a three year old." Chris and I say at the same time.
"Jinx!" We say in unison again. "I said it first!" We both say, but there is no winner because we have dissolved into fits of laughter and can hardly walk down the hall. Mrs. Sarah just rolls her eyes at us before ripping the key away from Chris.
"Am I the only one excited to see Chris's apartment?" Mrs. Sarah puts a hand on her hip, and looks at us while twisting the key in the lock. Chris and I look at each other before looking at her and nodding our heads.
"Its not that I'm not excited, its just I'll see it sooner or later, so why rush?" Normally I would have just looked at her as if she was an eye sore, but today I feel refreshed and actually feel…is that a little spark of happiness? Mrs. Sarah's eyes soften and a gentle smile enters her features as she looks at me. I coax my head, wondering why the hell she is doing that, but all thoughts are interrupted when Mrs. Sarah opens the door. I hear Chris suck in a breath, though I am not sure why, I mean he has seen it before, right?
However as soon as I walk threw the threshold, I know why he was so nervous to show us it. The wallpaper on the walls is peeling off to reveal a hideous yellow color, and there actually is a hole in the wall. The hole didn't go all the way threw to the other side but it came close, and it is the size of a small child. The kitchen is combined with the living room and has only three counters and one is occupied by a sink so you couldn't even use it. The table that I'm pretty sure is the dining table, is the smallest table I have ever laid eyes on, it looks like its more for display then for eating on, and yet it probably takes up about 10% of the room. The chair that I suppose is used with the dinning table has a leg broken, so you couldn't even use it. The carpet is a disgusting brown color, but I don't know if that's from the dirt, or if that's its actual color. The taste in the air is stale and thick, and the air seems to stick to you. Did I forget to tell you? It also smelt like smoke and weed. The living room, which is also a kitchen and dinning room is cramped and only has enough room for a loveseat stuffed against the back wall. There is only a 20 inch TV sitting on top of one of those small folding out tables. To my left there is a small hallway with two dirty white doors, of which I'm guessing are a bathroom and a bedroom.
My gaze returns to Chris who's terrified eyes are flickering from mine to Mrs. Sarah's. When Chris's eye's find mine I smile at him trying to comfort him, why should he care what we think anyway? I walk over to the "dinning room table" and put down my box of Chris's things and start routing through the cabinets. I find a duster and start dusting the tables and walls. Mrs. Sarah takes my hint and takes out some Clorox and starts to spray down the counters. Chris just stands in the doorway staring at us in disbelief with his mouth open in an O. I put down my duster and walk over to him and start to examine his mouth.
"Hmm that's weird I thought I saw a fly go in there, I guess you just ate it." I look up at Chris with sparkling eyes. He looks down at me with a blazing smile and suddenly an angle manifests. "See all it needs is a little cleaning, and a little care. The people who owned it before you abused this place, all we need to do is fix what they broke." Some part of me is talking about the apartment, but most of me is talking about Chris's heart (he seemed so upset that it scared me, because it is so unlike him, and I couldn't hide that I knew he is upset any longer). Chris's smile becomes broken and his eyes become glazed over with such pain that I wince myself as his sadness works its way to my core. I hated seeing him like this, but not because I felt his pain, but because he is such a nice, amazing, caring guy and he did, doesn't, and will never, deserve to feel this way. I look at him with concerned eyes and pull him into his room (its so small and run down that I refuse to call it a home). I take his box from him and set it on the floor so I can pull him over to his loveseat. I am slightly aware that Mrs. Sarah has frozen in place and is watching us with curious eyes, but I am so concentrated on making Chris feel better again, I could just be imagining it.
"You know I'll be back in an hour, I am going to pick up some food and some cleaning supplies and…." Mrs. Sarah's voice faded out when Chris grabbed me and pulled me into him.
"That sounds good." I answer for Chris, who obviously can't speak. I gently move Chris away from me so I can look into his eyes. "Honey, do you want anything?" I ask in a soft, silky voice. I sound similar to mother comforting her son, or a lover making sure that their significant other is ok. Personally I liked the second one better, but its not like that would ever happen. Besides, he deserved so much better than me, I would only bring him down. Why am I even thinking this way? He is your best friend! Nothing more. He never will be anything more, you should even want to be anymore, you're an insult to him. He just needs you for right now, then he will leave because he will realize what a useless pathetic excuse for a human you are. Get over it, if you think this way you will never be hurt, why love when it will kill you in the end? An annoying voice that filled my heart with dread, entered my thoughts, just like it always did. I take a shuddering breath. Don't get worked up about it, swallow everything back down. I need to be here for Chris right now, even if he will never love me back.
Chris simply shakes his head no, then becomes distant again. I look at Mrs. Sarah with a glare to get her out of his room. She seems to realize that she meant to leave and runs out the door without another word. As soon as she leaves I focus on Chris again and let out a sigh.
"Okay Chris, what happened?" I ask in a sincere voice, ignoring my inner voice. Chris would never be mine, and I would never be Chris's. I close my eyes again to regain control over my complexion, forcing it to become one with concern seeping out of my pores. Besides, what's the use of fighting back tears that were never going to come?