Okay, so I got a review recently from The Fic Critic. I just wanted to respond to their review in hopes they'd read this. I'm also going to send them a PM. Here's the entire review:
Hello and welcome, I am the Fic Critic, because someone had to say it. Welcome
those reading to the first, non Marvel based review I have here, to the Danny
Phantom story 'The Ghost Apprentice' by 'KP100'. Well, as I've
established with my previous reviews, there's some bad writers out there
when it comes to Evolution, and there's good writers making parodies of bad
stories out there too. But, lets just see how this goes
I got this idea while I was showering today... hehe... my mom's at the doctor
so I thought I'd entertain myself with writing a new story. :) Enjoy!
(You got it from a shower? Why does that not fill me with confidence?)
_
Water, dark with little light, splashed onto the girl's tennis shoes as she
walked through the empty alley ways, looking into garbage cans and various
crates that may contain food. She hadn't eaten in two days, and desperately
needed food. Bending down, she picked up a hair tie from one crate, the tie
was brown, and very thick. She started running her hands through her bronze
hair until she was holding it up, and she put her hair up in a loose bun.
She'd been looking for food for three hours, and her freckled cheeks were red
with exhaustion and the cold. It was mid December, and all she had to wear was
a short, ratty grey t-shirt that had music notes all over it, pants that used
to be all white, but where now various shades of earth tones because of all
the stains she'd gotten on them, and ratty tennis shoes that had holes in the
toes.
(Huh, great visual, I guess. But, mind saying who the girl is? What's her
name, what does she look like, why hasn't she eaten for so long? The
suspense is... isn't that great.)
Sighing, she started walking again, ignoring the aching in her calves, thighs,
and hips. She kept her mind off of what had happened in the past year, and
focused on finding shelter. Turning a dark corner, she found a box that was
big enough for her to be able to lay down inside and stay out of the steady
drssle (The what?) and the cold, the air got colder, and she heard foot falls
behind her. Turning around, she saw a man with black pointy hair running at
her. Her eyes grew wide, and she immediatly (its 'immediately', not
'immediatly') started running down the alley. 'No, not him!' was all she
could think as she ran out into the street, not caring if a car was coming.
All she cared about was getting away. Stopping on the other side of the
street, she saw a large building (and that is spelt 'building'. Where's
your spell check? Did you write this in the built word editor or something?
But, I won't hold it against you since I make mistakes too), and ran up the
steps. Banging on the door, she started screaming.
(Ok, we established that there's some mystery about this girl. But, guess
what, that's one of the first telltale signs of a Mary Sue. But, I'm sure
this won't be another Mary Sue story, right?)
"Please, please let me in!" Daring a glance over her shoulder, she saw the man
was almost across the street, a large grin on his maniacal face. Turning back
to he door (he door? You mean 'the door', right? Or do you mean 'he's
door' or 'his door'?), she raised her voice, and used her diaphragm to
project it, the way she learned during the many plays she had participated in.
She banged on the door harder, and right as she thought no one was going to
save her, the door opened, and knowing she was going to be safe, she gave in
to the darkness that had settled itself on the edges of her vision.
(Did we really need to know how she learnt to project her voice? Why not just
say she raised her voice, that was enough.)
_
Blinking, the girl opened her green and yellow eyes and the first thing she
saw was a teenage boy with jet black hair and sky blue eyes. He looked about
her age, maybe a year younger. Hs face was contorted into a look of worry and
fear. He had a scrape on his cheek, but that seemed to be the only flaw on his
face.
"Are you okay? You feinted when I opened the door." she nodded as she sat up
in bed. Looking around the room, she figured it was his since it seemed to be
a boy's room. (Wait, his parents let him place an unconscious girl inside his room? Well, I
think that's worth a nomination for 'Terrible parenting of the year'.)
"Why were you at our door last night? Where you being chased?" nodding again,
she focused her gaze on the teen. She couldn't bring herself to stop looking
at his eyes for more than ten seconds. They were just so... beautiful.
(Well, at least its not her who's being called beautiful constantly.)
"Can you talk?" she smiled at this, and nodded.
(Well, if you can talk, why are you still only nodding? A little confirmation
would maybe work there.)
"What's your name?"
"Arie. What's yours?" her voice was raw, raspy. As if she had scraped it while
screaming last night.
(Arie? Just Arie? No last name, no normal sounding name, nothing. Well, I
guess a weird single name is better than an overly long and complex name.)
"Danny." he raised an eyebrow at her.
"I've never heard of a name like that. Arie. Is it short for something?"
"No, I was born in late March, so my mom named me Arie since I'm an Aries." He
nodded his understanding, and stood.
(If that's true than why didn't they just call her Aries? If they're
going to give her a weird name, the least they could do is not be lazy and
spell the full thing.)
"Do you want any food or water? You look like you could use it." she could
tell he was staring at her ribs, which were visible through her shirt.
(Dude, you're staring at her ribs? Great way to make her feel welcome here,
make her feel anorexic or something. Jerk.)
"Yeah, please. I haven't eaten in...three days now." she mentally did the math
in her head to double check. Yes, three days.
(Wow, you had to add a 1 to a 2? Aren't you a smart girl, wow, I feel stupidin comparison to you and your great mathematical skills. Seriously, if it was
a big number I could understand, but it doesn't take effort to count to
three.)
"Wow, that's a long time. I'll be back." he left the room, shutting the door
softly. Sitting up, Arie glanced around the room, taking in more detail than
her earlier glance. There was a computer, the furniture, and some other small
things she couldn't recognize at the moment. A few minutes later, Danny came
into his room with three glasses of water and a plate of various fruits,
vegetables, crackers and other snacks.
(That it? She's been going hungry for three days, and the most you give her
is a couple of snacks? What about a sandwich or two, or something a little
more balanced)
"I know it's not a lot, but I have some more down stairs cooking, and I'm
gonna run to the Nasty Burger and get you some more food. Is that okay? Are
you allergic to anything?" Nodding, she let him know her one allergy.
(Oh, that explains it. Ok, I'll let that slide.)
"I'm allergic to blue berries." Nodding, Danny stood, and grabbing his wallet,
headed back out the door once again. The first thing Arie grabbed off the tray
that Danny had left was a glass of water, and downing it on three gulps, drank
the second one. She then ate a slice of cheese, some strawberries, and a
tomato. The tomato was kind of tart, but she really didn't care since she
hadn't eaten in three days. By the time she'd finished off the last glass of
water, and practically polished the plate, Danny came back with three bags
from the Nasty Burger, and three large cups full of dark liquid. Placing two
bags and two cups on the bedside table for her, he kept one cup and one bag
for himself. Pulling out a single burger, he unwrapped, and took a bite. Arie
dug into one of the bags meant for her, and pulled out a large cup of fries
and two burgers. The other bag had the same.
(Damn it now I'm hungry. Thanks a lot, now I want burgers.)
"I got you four different burgers. I didn't know which one you'd want so I
just ordered them." she nodded as she unwrapped one, and took a monstrous
bite, making Danny chuckle. Ignoring him because she was too hungry, Arie
grabbed one of the large cups, and began gulping it down. After she
replenished her thirst for the moment, she set the cup aside, half empty, and
took a bite of the burger again. By now, the burger was half gone. Swallowing
the bite of meat, she took another sip of the cherry coke. (Wait, why not just get a plain burger? Why get four different burgers when
they're likely to be mostly thrown away? And that's a thing, is he trying
to make her throw up? Yes, she's starving, but the body has a limit to how
much food it can take in. Is he trying to go all Roman and make them throw up
the food to then eat more? Because that would be the last thing you'd want
to do.)
About an hour later, they were up and cleaning Danny's room of various
wrappers, cups, plates, utensils and other things used for eating. Arie smiled
as she picked up the last of the dirty dishes, her stomach full of good food.
She hadn't had food like that in about a year, causing her stomach and taste
buds feel like they were dancing in sunshine in a field full of beautiful wild
flowers.
"So, I'm guessing you liked the food." Danny grinned at Arie, who grinned back
and nodded.
"I haven't had food like that in about a year." Danny blinked at her, his grin
fading some.
"Really? Why not?"
"I haven't had a home in a year..." she said cautiously. They were headed into
dangerous territory.
"Why not?" Genuine curiosity colored Danny's voice.
(Ok, more ambiguously vague mysteriousness. Again, the mystery girl thing is
so overused that its the easiest thing to spot in the first chapter of a Mary
Sue story.)
Cutting off here since I don't have a lot of word space left. The Fic Critic Continued:"I don't like to talk about it." she told him
quickly, wishing they could get off the subject. Danny blinked again, but
shrugged. Suddenly, his eyes brightened, and a grin spread across his face
once again. Arie looked at him, worriedly.
"You want to meet my best friends?" Sighing in relief, Arie nodded her yes,
and stood. Walking out the door, Danny fished his phone from his pocket, and
sent Sam and Tucker a quick, brief text.
Meet me at Nasty Burger in five. Got a surprise. Snapping it shut, Danny
replaced his phone and he and Arie headed out the door to the Nasty Burger.
(Wait, where are his parents in all of this? He's taken in a homeless girl,
given her tons of food, and is now going to take her out to show off to his
friends that he now has a pet homeless chick? Do they even know he's taken
in a homeless girl? Ok, congratulations Maddie and Jack, you've won the
award of Worst Parenting of the Year.)
_
Arie and Danny smiled up at Sam and Tucker as they walked in. Sliding in to
the booth, Sam and Tucker glanced at Arie, and gave her a welcoming smile.
"Sam, Tucker, this is Arie." Danny
"Hey, I'm Sam." Sam smiled again at Arie, and waved.
"And I'm Tucker." Tucker grinned at Arie.
Danny leaned over towards Arie's ear, causing her to turn her head slightly to
look at him. "Just so you know, Tucker tends to hit on every girl he sees."
Arie chuckled and nodded. Sam, having not heard what Danny said, guessed it
had something to do with Tucker and laughed.
(Well, he might do, but I'm sure he'd have standards. But, has she even
cleaned up at all from living homelessly? You've seen how people look when
they're homeless, I'm sure that he'd be put off... Wait,that's a
thing, has Danny even gave her the chance to clean up before he starts
parading her around like a pet puppy?)
"Well, unless you two are hungry, want to go to the mall?" Sam asked. (What about Tucker? What if he's hungry?)
"Nah, we already ate. A lot." Arie laughed, remembering all the food that was
currently sitting in their stomachs. Sam nodded, and the group stood and
headed outside to the mall.
"Danny, does she know, you know. Your secret?" Sam whispered, falling back
from Arie and Tucker, who were chatting amitidaly (Chatting what? Either
that's really misspelt or you made it up).
(Wait, you're wondering if he's told the homeless girl he's taken in
that he's a half ghost super hero who fights other ghosts to protect a world
that, like Spidey and Cyke, hates and fears them, with powers he often uses
for somewhat immature reasons? He's only known the girl for barely even a
page, do you think every girl he meets he tells his secret to? But, that would
make an awesome chat up line. Hey, I'm Danny, and I can walk through walls
and fly and shoot energy beams... for some reason. Wanna go for a bite to
eat?)
"No, I haven't told her. I don't really know her yet, so I'm waiting until I
think we're both ready." Sam nodded, and they caught up to Tucker and Arie.
(Until you're both ready? Uh, do you think you and this girl are going out
or something? Again, homeless girl you just met. She could be anyone, up to
and including one of your enemies in disguise. Yet, you're acting as if its
a girl you've been dating for a few weeks and are just introducing them to
your friends.)
_
Well...what do you think? And, I recently read a great fic, though a little
depressing. It's called Empty Promises. The author, Laora, is new to the Danny
Phantom phandom, and is an amazing author. I suggest you read it if you're in
the mood for a dark fic. It had me crying.
Review!
(Oh, and now you're advertising another story? Ok then, enjoy that.)
Ok, my final opinion: 4/10. Its not the worst piece of crap I've read, but
its not nearly as good as it could be. As an author of 36 stories I'd assume
you'd know some basic tropes in writing, like how the 'mysterious girl
with a strange past' story cliché you'd expect from a first time authoris an overdone idea in just about every fandom. Or how to write a realistic
reaction or plot.
That's a thing, the plot. Ok, going by the title she's going to somehow
gain some connection to ghosts, and he's going to train her how to use them
or something. That... doesn't sound all that interesting. One of the biggest
aspects of Danny Phantom is the fact that he's just a guy learning his
powers and limits. He's still learning to be a hero, like Static and Spidey.
Its what makes them a relatable character. By making him the teacher of some
kind, you undermine that aspect of him.
And, the entire scene in the Nasty Burger just felt... off. They're acting
like he's known her for a while, when he just met her. That's another Mary
Sue trait.
As I've only read the first chapter, I can't tell everything about her,
but she's not sounding too interesting. Not unlikable, just not someone
I'd really care about reading.
So, all in all, the story was pretty lifeless, had a few plot holes, and could
use a bit more effort into conveying people to read it. All these things are
very easy to fix, and should be easy for you to do, so I'll leave you now to
see how you go about it.
Now, goodbye people. I am the Fic Critic, because someone had to say it.
Okay, I have a few notes:
This was too long. I couldn't pick out what was review and what wasn't.
Before you review a story, you need to read all the chapters. Because in the third chapter, I mention that his parents have no idea.
I do respect your criticism, but just so you know, you got the whole guess of the plot wrong.
You need to learn to use softer and better language, because some people are sensitive.
Yes, I meant 'the door'. I didn't catch that error, and neither did the computer. Thanks for pointing it out, I'll go fix it after I post this.
I pointed out her ribs so that the readers would know she was extremely skinny, and Danny made all the food for both of them. He didn't know how hungry she might be, but he knew he was hungry.
So, even though I'm going to send this exact same message in a PM, I wanted to post it so that anyone reading this would know that there is a critic on this site that might hurt their feelings and they aren't alone. So, thanks and keep critiquing. However, before you do, a word of advice: READ ALL THE CHAPTERS UP BEFORE YOU REVIEW.