All the words that I come up with

They're like gasoline on flames

There's no excuse, no explanation

Believe me if I could undo what I did wrong

I'd give away all that I own...

(Chris Daughtry – Sorry)

Chapter 4

The first days back were difficult, tiresome, exhausting. She had to get used to the hard and exhausting work again. Although she was really tired most of the time, she loved her job. She wasn't sure about the other aspects of staying here. Her old friends were nice to her and she couldn't say a word, but she knew that people were talking. About her and why she came back alone. She expected that, but it didn't mean she was taking it well.

Only Mr. Woolsey actually knew what exactly happened, because it was written in her papers. The others could only guess. She noticed how some of them got quiet every time she entered the dining room, probably unintentionally. She knew she should say something about that to make it clear but it was easier said than done.

Many things happened while she was away and she regretted she missed some of them. Teyla's son was growing up fast; fortunately he was very strong and healthy boy. Some of the doctors left the city and she didn't have an opportunity to say goodbye. A few months ago Major Lorne was promoted into the Lieutenant Colonel and of course, John was a full bird Colonel now. And Mr. Woolsey got a dog.

She was introduced to most of the new people but it was impossible to remember all the names. She usually spent the bit of her free time with Teyla and a woman from Lorne's team Tracy Parker. Tracy was the same age as her, friendly and nice. Jennifer was glad that she found someone she could call a friend. They talked about almost everything; she was just avoiding the topic of her departure, although she was sure Tracy longed to ask her about that.

Jennifer was very well aware of the gossip about her and she also knew she should explain that before Tracy got to a totally different version. So when her friend started with it, Jennifer saw no reason to lie. They were just spending one evening in a bar where Tracy almost pushed her there and they both were drinking a bit more than usual.

"Is it true?" Tracy asked, looking at her with expectation.

"What is true?" Jennifer asked back and laughed

Tracy breathed in. "Did you really leave with Dr McKay? I mean, you both were legends here when I came."

"Me a legend?" Jennifer pulled a face. "I don't think so."

Tracy grinned. "Trust me. So, is that true? Are you dating him? Or what? You tend to avoid talking about men. Don't think I didn't notice that"

Jennifer sighed. "I left with him. True. And no, I'm not dating him. Actually I married him. And divorced. That's the short version."

"Wow," Tracy blinked. "I think that's enough."

"Yeah." Jennifer agreed. "See, that is why I'm not talking about my love life. I just mess things up."

"It could be worse," Tracy smiled and put her empty glass on the bar.

"Maybe," Jennifer smiled back. "At least I'm back here. I love this place."

"It's amazing," Tracy agreed. "I can't believe I'm really here. The work is overwhelming sometimes but life here is special."

"I know," Jennifer said silently.

"Was it hard to leave?" Tracy asked and nodded to the bartender. Jennifer agreed that they should pay and leave.

"You can't imagine," she smiled bitterly. It was hard and she did it despite common sense.

"But you had a reason to leave. A man," Tracy reminded her.

"But as you can see, I'm back alone."

Tracy nodded. "I see. Ok, let's change gears. I'm afraid I'll have to get you much more drunk to get some information."

Jennifer smiled gratefully back. She had a feeling she said enough already. It was still an uncomfortable topic for her, but now it was behind her and she hoped she would be able to forgive herself. Now she had something else to cope with. The man she never forgot about.

Time was flying and although Atlantis wasn't under a direct threat of Wraiths now, there was still enough to do. Jennifer was getting caught up with the current research again and she was spending more and more time in her lab. She was ordered by Mr. Woolsey to take at least one day off but she got bored soon. The next day she started to work even more. It helped her forget about her unsatisfied personal life.

Tracy didn't ask her about the past anymore, but she obviously decided that Jennifer should be more around people and did everything to make sure that happened. She took her to the movies, sometimes to the bar or some kind of party. She knew most of the people very well and they liked her. Of course they did; she was funny and friendly. Just sometimes she looked sad and then Jennifer tried to cheer her up. Fortunately, it never took a lot of effort.

It was a nice Sunday morning when they were sitting in the dining room after the breakfast. Jennifer was thinking about some new laboratory results and didn't notice that Tracy was gesticulating to Teyla. Jennifer looked up and she saw Ronon, who was standing right next to her. Her heart jumped but she attempted to smile.

"Sit," Tracy told Ronon, without any idea how awkward it was for both of them. Ronon nodded and sat silently next to Jennifer, not looking her way. Teyla glanced at him, but her expression was unreadable.

"Teyla, how is your little one?" Tracy asked, ignoring the sudden silence around.

"He is fine, thanks. Growing too fast. It is still amazing me."

Tracy nodded in agreement. "Because it is amazing. I have two nieces at home. They are five already, but I still see them as little as they were when they were born."

Teyla and she went on with the conversation but Jennifer didn't listen. She had trouble focusing on anything. Ronon was sitting right next to her and that was making her insane. They hadn't talked to each other since she came back. Not a single word.

"Did you see John today?" Teyla asked her and she forced herself to get back to the reality.

"No. Why? Something happened?" She was a bit confused.

"He didn't look very good in the morning," Teyla said.

"Hangover," Ronon murmured. Jennifer turned to him, actually surprised that he said something.

"He was celebrating last night," Ronon explained. She smiled at him slightly.

"I am sure he can cope with it," she said.

Teyla laughed. "Yeah, these stupid Earth habits."

"Sometimes it helps to forget," Tracy said.

Jennifer glanced at Ronon. He was watching her silently, but looked away when she noticed that. She would give everything to read his mind right now. But breakfast was over and they all got up. Tracy was watching Ronon thoughtfully, while he and Teyla were leaving.

"He's incredibly talkative," Tracy made a face. Jennifer laughed.

"Have you ever heard him saying more than one sentence?"

"Not often," Jennifer admitted. "He just says what's necessary. Sometimes not even that."

Tracy gave her a look. "Do you know him well? I mean, are you friends?"

Jennifer didn't know how to answer that. Obviously, some information didn't spread. Most of the people two years ago knew that they were friends. Or not only friends. But he never showed emotions in public. And of course, no one knew what happened the last night. Just the two of them.

"Jenn?"

"Sorry," she smiled apologetically. "I was just thinking. Yeah, we were friends. He was teaching me to fight."

"I can imagine that," Tracy laughed. "He must be a good teacher. I'd let him teach me much more."

"Stop," Jennifer shook her head. It wasn't Tracy's fault, but the last thing she needed was to talk about him this way.

"What?" Tracy asked. "Did I say something?"

"No, sorry," Jennifer apologized. "I am just remembering old times."

"We're living in the now," Tracy reminded. "Stop thinking."

"It's not that easy."

"At least try. You think too much."

Jennifer smiled. Of course, Tracy wasn't the first person that told her that. She should stop living in memories; she was still young and had the rest of her life in front of her.

It had been exactly two months since she came back. She was keeping herself busy and wouldn't notice that, if Tracy hadn't reminded her. Now it was almost evening, she was preparing for the next day, but she wasn't going to leave yet. She knew that Colonel Sheppard should be coming back from the mission in any moment. She hoped she wouldn't have to do anything more than the basic medicals.

She sat at her computer finishing some reports, when John walked in, followed by an angry looking Ronon. "Doctor? We need your help."

"What's going on?" she asked. Of course, the first team of Atlantis needed her. It was an unwritten rule. But John seemed to be in a good mood, so she rested a little.

"Nothing serious," he grinned. "Hey, Ronon, come on."

Ronon muttered something and sat on the bed. He had a few ugly scars on his arms and a piece of some wood stuck in his right shoulder. She frowned. It looked quite painful, but it really didn't bother the Satedan, who was watching her, obviously wishing he was anywhere else but here.

"What happened?" she asked, while she was cleaning the wounds.

"It's quite funny," John started with a smile still on his lips. "Our big warrior fell into a trap. Literally." He laughed. "He's a tracker. And he was just going, not watching at all what was happening and fell down. Priceless."

"Sheppard," Ronon said with a warning. Jennifer couldn't help but smile a bit. Ronon glanced at her but quickly looked away.

"Sorry," John grinned. "Doctor, you should have been there."

"Maybe next time," she said and that made John laugh again.

She wasn't paying attention to him. She was focusing on her job. Or she was trying to focus, but it wasn't easy to treat Ronon. She had to touch him. She felt the same way that she ever did. She was grateful that John was there, even for his sometimes not very intelligent jokes. It was easier to think about something other than Ronon.

That night was even more difficult. She felt lonely and lost in this city full of people. Although she made a few new friends and she still loved her job, it wasn't like before. It could never be the same. But some things didn't change. For example, the way she felt about him. How difficult for her it was to touch him and not to say anything. Her feelings didn't change. And just like before, she had no idea what to do about it.

She didn't even tell him what happened between her and Rodney. Someone probably did it for her anyway. He must know by now. She wondered if she had a right to try. She had a chance two years ago and threw it away for a stupid reason. She tried to do the best and did the worst. She left him. The whole time she was still keeping a little chance in her heart. Maybe. But there was no maybe. She would have to talk to him some day. She knew she must. At least there is a chance they will be friends again.