Griffin's Eleven
Hand #3: The Griffin Children
Lois glared at Brian, all the rage she could muster etched onto her face. "What do YOU want?"
Brian knew that visiting the house was a bad idea, but Quagmire insisted that Brian handle this part of the job. He would have snorted, but Quagmire could be really… disagreeable… if he wanted to be.
"I'm not gonna say it again…"
Quagmire glared at the Wildcats basketball team. All of the boys were nervously staring at the walls, the ceiling, each other, and at his shoes. Quagmire threw his clipboard onto the ground.
"WHERE'S TROY AND CHAD?!"
"…in the closet…" one of them replied.
Quagmire stared the kid down. "What the hell did you just say, Jason?"
"In the closet," the boy said again. "But don't tell the film crew… they still think that Troy likes Gabriella…"
"I thought Ryan was the gay one," another member of the team piped up.
"No, he's doing his sister," Quagmire responded. "Saw that yesterday. Ugh, that girl has NO FIGURE."
"Tell me about it," Jason muttered. "But I thought that Sharpay was trying to get Troy…"
"Sharpay's a whore," a black guy on the team muttered. "She was with Chad last week."
"But I thought Chad was with Troy, Zeke," Jason mused. "And just because Ryan did Sharpay doesn't mean they're in love with each other."
"I'm pretty sure Ryan's in love with Gabriella," Zeke called.
"It's too bad that Gabriella's trying to get Troy," Quagmire shrugged, "all things considering. I mean, I heard that Ryan was Troy's gay lover…"
"No, it's Chad, we've already said that!"
Troy and Chad couldn't bring themselves to speak up. They'd been sitting on the bleachers the entire time.
"…I wanted to see Stewie," Brian told her. It was true.
Lois gave him a reproachful glare. "I know Peter's supposed to be out of jail. How do I know you're not going to -?"
"Lois, please." Brian was ready to get down on his hands and knees. "I want to see him, Lois, I really do."
"Look, I kicked you out for a reason," Lois frowned. "I'm not going to get back together with Peter, and if you try to get Stewie to get me to get back –"
"BRIAN!" Stewie called from the living room. "You're still ALIVE?!"
"Hello Stewie," Brian groaned. He had grown to relish the freedom that being away from Stewie had given him, but now all of those wonderful (read: horrific) memories of years past were flooding back.
Lois sighed. "…Okay. Ten minutes."
Brian nodded and walked into the living room, where Stewie was creating a model of Big Ben with cardboard, Play-Doh, and Lois' shirts. Stewie, despite being three years old, hadn't changed at all, except for the fact that he'd gotten taller. Brian couldn't believe how little he seemed now.
It was nostalgia, Brian told himself. Once upon a time, Stewie had been the closest thing Brian had to a brother. But that was long ago.
"How are you?" Brian inquired.
Stewie glared at Brian. "I know you're here for a reason, Brian. You wouldn't dare come for a friendly chat. What's going on?"
"Perceptive as ever," Brian frowned.
"Idiotic as ever," Stewie retorted. "It's something to do with the fat man, isn't it? What is that retard planning?"
"He wants to rob a casino. You're either in or out," Brian said quickly, so as not to distract Lois from her vegetable chopping.
"Which casino did the genius decide to rob?" Stewie wondered, intrigued.
"The Grand Cherokee," Brian responded.
Stewie let one of Lois' tank tops fall off of his model and land at his feet. A wicked grin grew on his infantile features.
"That's Cornfeathers' casino," Stewie recalled.
"Peter has this crazy idea that robbing him will help him win Lois back…"
Stewie cackled. "Well, I damn well hope it works. I can't stand that man."
Brian was taking aback. Back in the good old days, Stewie would have cursed Peter's stupidity.
"Desperate times?" Brian questioned.
"I miss you," Stewie said point-blank. "It's not even fun to mock Meg anymore. Not since she got that job at the casino with Cassandra." Stewie eyed Brian. "Don't tell me she's in on this."
"She won't go near Quagmire," Brian assured him.
Stewie snorted. Brian raised an eyebrow.
"And that's funny because…?"
Stewie gave Brian an all-knowing grin. "Something tells me she's lying." Stewie dropped the subject. "So, when do we get to screw Cornfeathers over?"
eEeEe
"You keep coming. Why?"
Cassie slammed her palms onto the top of the bar she stood behind, face red with anger. Quagmire's presence was enough to do that to her.
Quagmire, for once, wasn't interested in her. "…I'm waiting for someone to start their shift. I need to talk to Meg."
"Oh, so you just move on to the next girl, then?" Cassie frowned.
Quagmire grinned ravenously. "You sound jealous."
"I – No!" Cassie was even redder now. She threw a towel over her shoulder in a huff and strode away, muttering curses and admonishments underneath her breath. Megan Griffin, still ugly as sin and still wearing her pink condom hat, walked past her, but, noting the look of pure venom on her face, decided not to say anything. Meg took up bar duty, noticing Quagmire sitting at a stool.
"How are you, Mr. Quagmire?" Meg asked cheerfully.
Quagmire smiled. Mr. Quagmire. THAT never got old, either.
"I was good until Cassie flew off the handle," Quagmire admitted.
Meg rolled her eyes. "The only way you're ever going to get her is if she's drugged." Meg got a strange glint in her eye. "You want me to do that for you -?"
"No, no no no," Quagmire said quickly. "NOT a good idea." Quagmire cleared his throat. "Actually, Meg… I'm here to talk to you."
"I'm sorry," Meg immediately responded, "but I've always seen you as a father figure…"
"What is WRONG with you today?" Quagmire asked loudly before calming himself. "…No, Meg, I need – no. Peter needs your help."
"Dad?" Meg adjusted her glasses. "…He got out?"
"Yeah," Quagmire nodded, "and he wants Lois back."
"Good for him," Meg spat, wiping some dust off of the bar. "But I don't care."
"Thought you'd say that," Quagmire admitted, propping his foot against the bar. "But the thing is, he wants to break up Lois and Mr. Cornfeathers."
"My mom won't leave Leonard," Meg reiterated angrily, "especially not for him. For the first time in our lives, we're completely stable. We don't have to worry about money anymore."
"…So why do you work?"
Meg stopped wiping the countertops. Quagmire stood up and started to walk towards a table. Meg stared at the back of his head for a long time, thinking the question over in her head.
Quagmire sat down at a blackjack table, where a fey-looking teenager was presiding. The blonde boy smiled warmly at Quagmire before sticking his cards in the shuffler.
"How are you today, sir?" the boy asked.
Quagmire read his name tag in a bored manner. "Eh… I could be better, Ryan. How 'bout you?"
"Pretty good. You see that girl over there, sir?" Ryan pointed to a black-haired girl maybe ten feet away. Quagmire immediately recognized her – Cassandra Buchem.
"Yeah," Quagmire responded, already envious. "What about her?"
"Today, I'll make her my girlfriend," Ryan cooed happily. Quagmire took out his anger on some chips, thrusting them forward. Ryan remained oblivious. "She's pretty, no?"
"I've known that since she was sixteen," Quagmire muttered under his breath.
Ryan, however, wasn't as dense as Quagmire thought. "What did you just say?"
"She's hot, yes," Quagmire muttered, "but how long have you known her?"
"…About six weeks," Ryan admitted. But his face, like Quagmire's, was darkening with untold irritation. "How long have you known her… sir?" The last word was laced with ire.
Quagmire grinned wickedly. "Three and a half years. And she won't go out with some gay-looking mama's boy, let me assure you."
"I doubt she's after a deviant ladies' man, either," Ryan retorted, flipping his cards over. "Pay twenty."
Ryan put some chips in front of Quagmire. The two of them were glaring at each other heatedly.
Just then, Cassandra walked over to Ryan. "Ryan, some black-haired Mafioso-type lady wants to talk to you at the front desk." Cassie looked to Quagmire. "…Nice to know you two have met each other." Cassie glared at Ryan. "Don't get it into your head that you're going to date me. Either of you… although date seems like a rather lax term for you, Quagmire."
Cassie strode off. Ryan bit his lip.
"So she really likes you," Quagmire laughed maliciously. Ryan said nothing – Meg was coming over.
"Ryan, I'll take over for you," Meg nodded. Ryan walked away, giving Quagmire the evil eye. Quagmire ignored it, turning to Meg.
"I'm in," Meg finally told him as she handed him a new hand. "Anything to get out of this dead-end job… and away from Ryan."
"He's crazy," Quagmire noted.
"My God, he's worse than you – no offense," Meg added quickly. "He NEVER LETS GO of ANYTHING."
"Oh good," Quagmire muttered, "so I have a rival."
"He's an idiot." Meg flipped her cards over. "Fifteen… twenty-five. Table wins."
From twenty feet away, Cassie watched Meg with a sort of detached air.
tTtTt
Chris hated school. Before he'd taken an attitude of indifference to it, but for some reason, school was rubbing him the wrong way lately. Maybe it was his girlfriend breaking up with him. Maybe it was Connie D'Amico's supposed kidnapping. Maybe it was the fact that Peter wasn't dropping him off anymore. Whatever it was, it was driving Chris nuts.
The fact that Chris only had two brain cells didn't help much either.
Chris wandered out of his English class, going to his broken locker, sighing. As he pulled some books out of it, he could have sworn he saw Meg out of the corner of his eye.
"Chris, stop ignoring me," Meg sighed.
Chris dropped one of his books on his foot. "Meg! I thought that -!"
"That I what?" Meg raised an eyebrow, waiting for Chris to lay it on her.
"…That you were dead," Chris murmured.
"I saw you this morning, remember?" Meg clicked her tongue irritably. "I couldn't tell you at home, but… I saw Mr. Quagmire yesterday at work."
"Oh no, Meg," Chris moaned, "Mom's going to kill you if you say that too loud."
Meg grit her teeth. "There's a reason I'm saying this to you AT SCHOOL, idiot. Anyway… apparently Dad wants to get back together with Mom."
"But Mom is with Leonard –"
"Good job." Meg rolled her eyes. "Stupid sack of… ugh. Yes. Dad knows that, and Mr. Quagmire told me that Dad has a plan to get back together with her. He needs our help."
Chris stared at the book on his foot. "…But how do you know this?"
Meg gave herself a face-palm. "My GOD Chris – DO YOU WANT TO HELP DAD OR NOT?!"
Chris blinked. "Of course."
Meg sighed. "Okay. Now don't think too hard about what I just told you, and get to class."
Chris nodded, smiling vacantly.
He had no idea what he'd just agreed to, but something told him he'd get to see Peter again, so it was all good.
A/N: The High School Musical joke here was borne out of a conversation with three of my friends at a sleepover at about two o clock in the morning. I'd like to thank Yomi-chan, Wanda, and Lil Riter for the inspiration for that scene.
A/N 2: I'm really bad at writing Chris, as you've probably noticed, so don't yell at me for that…
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Family Guy. I'm pursuing a job with Fuzzy Door, but that in no way means I OWN FG…