Author's Note: Alright, I have finished writing it all! One more chapter after this one. Today, I'm just posting right up until everyone's favorite old people, Miracle Joker.
Camera cut to Omega. Random mercenaries, backed up by Blue Suns, are shooting, exploding, and generally causing a ruckus in Omega.
TIM: The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full trying to carry out Zaeed's orders.
Camera shows Kai Leng riding on top of an airbus loaded down with prisoners. It pauses near Ashley in a Blue Suns uniform.
Kai: Have we got everyone?
Ashley: Almost. There's some scum-sucking drell giving us some trouble.
Kai: So go give him some trouble.
She grins, hefting her assault rifle.
Camera cut to Thane, obviously intoxicated, slumped down against a wall somewhere in the residential area.
Thane: I am waiting for you, Mordin. I will not move. You said to go back to the beginning. This is where you hired us, so it is the beginning. I will stay here.
Ashley: Hey, snake face!
Thane: Your insults are smaller than your reputation.
Ashley: The prince gave orders!
He lunges to his feet, swiping the assault rifle out of her hands with his sword and somewhat inadequately threatening her with it.
Thane: Mordin said to go back to the beginning. He is not here. I will wait for him. I am staying until Mordin comes.
Ashley: You, krogan! Move your ass over here!
Thane: I am waiting for Mordin.
Wrex: You're about to get your face caved in.
The krogan grabs the drell by the collar, pulling him around.
Thane: Oh, it's just you.
Wrex: Gee, thanks.
Ashley rushes forward to regain her assault rifle, only to have Wrex pick her up and throw her over the side of the walkway.
Wrex: You don't look so good. Or smell so good. Gah, it's like a varren took a piss on you.
Thane: I will recover.
He promptly passes out the moment Wrex lets go of his collar.
TIM: Wrex and Thane were reunited. And as Wrex nursed his friend back to health, he told him of Mordin's death, and the existence of Vakarian, the scarred turian. Considering Thane's lifelong search, he handled the news well.
Camera cut to Thane promptly going into memories until Wrex uses an omni-tool to taze him out of it.
TIM: He took great care in reviving Thane.
Thane: I am better now.
Wrex shocks him again anyway.
Thane: That's enough! Where is this Vakarian now?
Wrex: He's with the prince on the Citadel. But the docks are guarded by thirty men!
Thane: How many could you handle?
Wrex: Ten. Maybe a dozen.
The assassin pauses to pull up a calculator on his omni-tool and subtract.
Thane: Leaving twenty for me. Unless they are considerate enough to line up one at a time, I could never defeat that many.
He shakes his head and sinks into a chair.
Thane: I need Mordin to plan. I have never been good at strategy.
Wrex: That crummy salarian is dead!
Thane: No … not Mordin. I need the masked man.
Wrex: What?
Thane: Look. He bested you in krogan wrestling, he bested me with swords, he must have out-thought the salarian.
Wrex: Unless he shot him. Heh.
Thane: A man who can do those can plan a Citadel invasion any day. Let's go!
Wrex: Where?
Thane: To find him, obviously.
Wrex: We don't know where he is!
Thane: Do not bother me with trifles. After twenty years, my father's soul will rest with Kalahira. There will be blood tonight!
He storms out the door, leaving Wrex to sigh dramatically before following him.
Camera cut back to Zaeed, who is dry-firing Jessie at random pictures around his office. Kai Leng rushes in, kneeling before the desk.
Zaeed: Spit it out already.
Kai: Omega is emptied. Thirty men guard the docks.
Zaeed: Double it. My princess better be goddamn safer than Donovan Hock's undies.
Kai: There is only one functioning dock, and I have the only clearance code.
Tali walks into the room. Zaeed rises from his chair, setting Jessie down on the desk and moving to greet her.
Zaeed: Damn if you don't clean up nice. Tonight, we goddamn marry, and tomorrow we take a goddamn fleet to our honeymoon on Horizon.
Tali: Every ship but your four messengers? Every ship but the ones you sent.
Zaeed: Yeah, except those goddamn ships.
Kai Leng ducks out of the room, dropping a smoke bomb as he flees.
Tali: You never sent the ships, you lying bosh'tet. It doesn't matter, Shepard will come for me anyway.
Zaeed: You dumb suit rat.
Tali: Yes, I am a suit rat, and proud of it! I wish I'd seen sooner you were nothing but a money-grubbing coward!
Zaeed picks up Jessie, the gun unfolding with an ominous click.
Zaeed: You best watch your tone.
Tali: Why not? You can't hurt me. Shepard and I are bound together by true love. You can't track that with a thousand salarian scientists, and you cannot break it with a thousand turian soldiers. And when I say you are a coward, it is only because you are the ugliest damn REMF I have ever met!
Zaeed slams his rifle down on the desk, grabbing Tali by the arms and swiftly dragging her from his office.
Zaeed: I told you to shut your goddamn mouth already!
He drags her through the castle, hurling her into a residential apartment and sealing the door. Camera cut to the Noveria labs, where Zaeed rushes inside, interrupting Garrus' calculations and yanking the turian out from under the machine before addressing Shepard.
Zaeed: You two are in goddamn love, so you might have been goddamn happy together. Not one couple in the galaxy gets that chance. So I think I'm gonna make you suffer worse than I did goddamn Vido.
He twists the holographic dial all the way up to 50, and slams a hand down on the red button.
Garrus; Not to fifty! I haven't calibrated it that high yet!
Shepard screams loudly, enough that camera cuts across the labs, the Citadel, and finally Tali's room, his voice can still be faintly heard. Camera cut to Thane and Wrex, the scream still in the background as they walk through Zakera Ward.
Thane: Wrex, do you hear that?
Wrex: Yeah, yeah, ultimate suffering, blah blah blah. You sure it's him?
Thane: His true love marries another this night. Who else has just cause for ultimate suffering?
Wrex: What, you want a list?
Thane begins trying to push his way through the crowd to little effect.
Thane: Wrex, please?
Wrex: Oh, fine.
Taking a deep breath, Wrex simply charges into the crowd, scattering civilians like bowling pins and clearing a path straight towards the sound of the scream.
Camera cut to the forest, where Vega is driving a single-person Mako, stopping right outside the entrance to the labs just before Thane's sword pokes into his throat.
Thane: Where is the masked man? He is somewhere in these labs, yes?
Vega is silent, though whether from fear or stupidity, it is hard to tell.
Thane: Wrex, jog his memory.
Grinning, the krogan rears back and slams the marine with a massive headbutt. His eyes rolling up, Vega falls to the ground and out of the Mako.
Wrex: Whoops, too hard. Humans are such soft creatures. … Thane?
Thane has knelt in the grove, holding the sword before him as he prays.
Thane: Amonkira, guide my hand and my blade. Let me bring glory to your name and vengeance to my enemies. Kalahira, protect the soul of my father as I seek to avenge his death.
He rises, eyes close, and starts swinging the sword around blindly as Wrex backs away. After a moment, the sword blade falls into the crack between two panels next to the door, sparks shooting out, and the access holo turns green. Both Thane and Wrex look at it in surprise. Inside, the lab is empty except for Shepard's body laid out on the experiment table. Wrex runs his omni-tool over the body.
Wrex: He's dead.
Thane: This is not fair.
Catalyst: Wait, wait. What did Wrex mean, he's dead?
Camera cut to the bedroom.
Catalyst: He can't really be dead. What did I tell you earlier about screwing up the tropes?
TIM: Look, you want me to read this or not?
Catalyst: Who kills Zaeed?
TIM: I don't understand your meaning.
Catalyst: Who kills Zaeed? At the end. One of them has to. Is it Thane?
TIM: Nobody kills him. He lives.
Catalyst: You mean he wins? I should have expected you'd pick a book where the villain triumphs.
TIM: You know, you've been very sick. Maybe I should stop here.
He starts to put the book away and rise, only for the boy to put out a hand to stop him.
Catalyst: No, I insist you continue.
TIM: … well, okay. Where were we? Oh yes, the Noveria Labs.
Camera cut back to the labs.
Thane: The Krios family have never taken defeat lightly. Come along, and bring the body.
Wrex: Why, you planning to eat him?
Thane: Do you have any credits left?
Wrex: Only about 6500.
Thane: I hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.
Camera cut to the outside of a small cottage. Thane begins pounding on the door.
Joker: Go away!
Thane continues to pound on the door.
Joker: What, what?
He opens the window and peers around.
Thane: Are you that Miracle Joker who worked for the kind all those years?
Joker: The king's goddamn son fired me. Thanks for bringing up all those cheery, good-time memories. While you're at it, why don't you jump up and down on my foot and listen to the crunching sounds? We're closed!
He slams the window closed, only for Thane to immediately begin pounding again.
Joker: Beat it, or I'll call the brute squad!
Wrex: I'm on the brute squad!
Joker: You are the brute squad.
Thane: We need a miracle. It is very important.
Joker: Look, I'm retired. Besides, why would you want someone the king's goddamn son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle!
Thane: But he's already dead!
Joker: Wait, really? Then bring him in!
The door opens, and they bring him inside, laying Shepard's body out on a table in the middle of the cottage. Joker begins prodding the body.
Joker: I've seen worse.
He continues doing nonsensical things like putting an open Fornax over the face, pinching the fingers, and giving him a paper cut before pouring lemon juice on it, all to no reaction from Shepard.
Thane: Sir, we are in a great hurry.
Joker: Don't rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got the credits?
Thane: 6500.
Joker: Man, you're just trying to rip me off! I have never worked for so little. Okay, except that one time, but it was a super noble cause, with super hot cleavage.
Thane: This is a noble cause. … His wife is crippled, children on the brink of starvation.
Joker: You just don't have enough Renegade points to pull off that lie.
Thane: I need him to help avenge my father's murder!
Joker: The first one was better. Where's that air pump? He probably owes you money!
Hunting around in the back of the cottage, Joker pulls out a bicycle pump, sticks the end of the hose in Shepard's mouth, and starts pumping the handle.
Thane: … He's dead, he can't talk.
Joker: Shows what you know. This guy here is only mostly dead. Mostly dead means slightly alive. All dead, there's only one thing you should do.
Thane: What's that?
Joker: Go through his pockets and look for credit chits.
He takes the pump away, bends down near Shepard's head, and starts shouting into his ear.
Joker: Hey! Hello in there! Wake up already! What do you have that's worth living for?
He presses down on Shepard's chest.
Shep: Truuuuue loooooove.
Joker jerks back in surprise, and Thane leans over the body.
Thane: True love, you heard him! There is no more noble cause than that.
Joker: True love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for that one Asari consort, with that skin-tight outfit, especially with those breasts – they're so perky, I just love them. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, "To blaaave," and as we all know, that's turian for "To bluff." So you were probably playing Skyllian Five, and he cheated!
Chakwas: Liar! Liar! Liaaar!
Joker: Get back witch!
Chakwas: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm not sure I want to be that anymore!
Joker: You never had it so good.
Chakwas: True love, he said true love, Joker!
Joker: Don't say another word, Chakwas!
Chakwas: Ever since Prince Zaeed fired him, his confidence has been as shattered as his forearms.
Joker: Why did you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!
Chakwas: What, Zaeed?
Joker: Gah!
As he limps slowly around the room, she mockingly chases after him, continuing to chant "Zaeed!" over and over until they are finally interrupted.
Thane: This is Tali'Zorah's true love. If you heal him, he will stop Zaeed's wedding.
Joker comes to a sudden halt, spinning around and silencing his wife with an upraised hand.
Joker: Wait, I heal him, Zaeed suffers?
Thane: I personally guarantee it.
Joker: Ha! That is a noble cause! Give me the 6500, I'm on the job.
Chakwas: Woohoo!
Camera cut to Chakwas and Joker standing over a medical experiment machine, tinkering with a container of medigel.
Thane: That's a miracle? It looks like regular medigel.
Chakwas: Chocolate coating makes it more palatable.
Wrex: I didn't know you could eat that stuff.
Chakwas: But, you have to wait 15 minutes for full potency, and he shouldn't go using any biotics for at least an hour.
Joker: I didn't think he was a biotic.
Chakwas: Shut up.
Thane: Thank you for everything.
They quickly gather Shepard's body and the medigel and leave the cottage.
Joker: Bye bye, boys!
Chakwas: Have fun invading the Citadel!
Joker: Do you think it'll work?
Chakwas: Not without a private Cerberus army.
In unison: Bye bye!
REMF: Rear Echelon Mother F***er, aka a military person who avoids combat.