Fifty-seven days. That is how long it had been since he'd consumed any alcoholic beverages, Itachi concluded after reading every label and advertisement posted at the bar. Looking over his shoulder, he saw two things – a man with long brown hair grinding against another man whose hair was pulled back into a short pony-tail at the top of his head and just behind them, Shisui throwing his head this way and that in accordance with the deafening beat.

He should be happy for Shisui. Computer programming was not an easy line for work – not just anyone can do what he and Shisui do on a day-to-day basis. And while Shisui was so skilled in his line of work that he could get away with goofing off most of the day, Itachi knew that he worked hard to get to where he was in life. He deserved a night out.

But Itachi didn't recall signing up for this. He didn't really want to go to a bar much less a club. And for what? He couldn't drink himself into oblivion because he needed to make sure that he and his cousin arrived home safely. And he most certainly didn't remember signing up to partake in the activities of a gay club. At least in a regular club, he simply had to deny the advances of young women in miniskirts. It wasn't hard to resist the way they would bat their eyelashes, heavily coated in mascara, or their pouting faces when he politely refused their advances. It would take five seconds, at a minimum for them to turn to the next attractive guy sitting a few seats down. Here, things were vastly different. Itachi's main concern wasn't breaking the heart of a twenty-one year old girl he'd known for all of sixty seconds. Looking over his shoulder again, he spotted a fairly muscular young man sporting a tattered wife-beater and dark shorts with chains hanging from the belt loops. If somebody like that decided to chat him up, it would take more than a few "no's" to deter them. If he said the wrong thing, he could end up bloody and bruised from having his head smashed into the bar. Luckily for him, this particular man seemed to be more concerned rubbing himself against a man covered in what seemed to be barbed wire tattoos. It was an odd dance move, Itachi mused. Up and down, up and down. He seemed to be enjoying himself if his screaming was anything to go by.

From his spot on the dance floor, Shisui had to laugh at his cousin. In his childhood innocence, he must have never witnessed two men having sex while standing up before. Never searched videos of it or stumbled across it on a porn website of sorts in middle school, high school or college. Poor thing. What's more, Shisui never begged Itachi as the type to have a thing for albino men. Or maybe it was the muscles that caught his attention in the first place. Yeah, that was a plausible theory. Kisame from Terumi's had some well-defined biceps going on. Must be the muscles.

The realization finally dawned on Itachi when he caught a glimpse of the man covered in tattoos zipping his fly after the albino man pulled away from him on shaky legs. Pushing himself away from the bar, he set out to find the bathrooms. Once inside, he ran to the nearest sink and turned the right hand faucet on as high as it could go when a jet stream of water sprayed his chest. As quickly as he had turned it on, he screwed it in the opposite direction to turn it off and examined the damage. In the fluorescent lighting, he could make out the line of water soaking his t-shirt. Luckily he was wearing black. If he were wearing white he would have to drag Shisui back home regardless of what time it was.

He tilted his head and looked at his reflection in the mirror. His shirt was sticking to his abdomen. Again, since it was a black t-shirt and the lighting in the main area where the dancing took place, it wouldn't be such a big deal. Narrowing his eyes, he leaned over the sink to more closely examine the person crouching on the floor in the middle stall. Too much to drink, perhaps?

"My man…" Somebody moaned. "How on earth did you get so good at this?"

"Shlots ub prackis."

"Oh God yessss…"

If he vomited in the sink, he might attract the attention of the other occupants in the room. So calmly and quietly he turned on his heel and exited the bathroom.

Just outside the door a dark-skinned muscular man with bleach blonde hair pinned a blonde haired man with a slight frame against the wall in a hot and heavy make-out session. These "couples," if you could call them that, seemed to deeply love one another. But who was Itachi to judge? For all he knew these men could have been using this joint as an escape from their wife and kids to embrace the secret part of themselves that they kept hidden from the rest of the world. Like Shisui's co-worker, Kabu—

"Oof!" Itachi muttered when he felt something collide against him. "Sorry about that."

The man blinked a few times in surprise, first at Itachi and then at his the contents of his beverage spilled on the floor beside him.

"I'm so sorry. Let me buy you another one." He immediately offered.

"How kind of you." The man replied.

Without thinking, Itachi weaved through the crowd to the bar and placed a twenty dollar bill on the counter. "What would you like?"

"Whatever you order is fine by me." The man said.

Itachi bit the inside of his cheek and glanced at the drink menu. "I'll take a purple Manda for this gentleman please."

"A purple Manda?" The bartender asked.

"Yes please."

"Coming right up." He grunted, slapped his hand on top of the banknote and slowly slid it off the edge of the counter into his waiting palm.

"Again, I'm really sorry about that. I wasn't paying attention to what was in front of me." He said and accepted the change from the bartender when he returned.

"It's alright. I've been bumped into more than a dozen times before. It's no big deal."

Itachi regarded the man from out of the corner of his eye as he folded his wallet up and stuffed it into the pocket of his jeans.

"Anything for you?" The bartender asked.

Itachi opened his mouth to decline before deciding on ordering a water instead. "I'll take a glass of wat—"

"He'll have what I'm having." The man he'd bumped into early said.

"That isn't necessary."

The man smirked and tilted his head to the side so that his long black hair slithered over his shoulder to rest against his collar bone. "It isn't often that I come across someone as polite as yourself." He said and gasped, placing a hand in front of his gaping mouth. "Speaking of manners, my name is Orochimaru."

Itachi didn't offer his own name and instead forced a small smile. This was the man who had called Kabuto earlier. He cursed himself for not recognizing the voice sooner.

"Awww…why so shy all of a sudden?" Orochimaru asked and reached out to place his hand on Itachi's thigh. "I won't bite."

Although he was smiling at him, there was something about Orochimaru's grin that made Itachi's stomach churn.

"Two purple Manda's." The bartender announced and placed their drinks on the counter.

On the dance floor, Shisui saw Itachi interacting with a real life dinosaur who botoxed maybe twice or three times a year. The dinosaur, who bore an uncanny resemblance to the late Michael Jackson, kept reaching out to brush Itachi's bangs behind his ears or put his hand on his thigh, or interlace their fingers as they talked. Did he mention that the guy was ancient? No wonder Itachi looked uncomfortable. Shisui knew he would be too if a vampire wearing skinny jeans and eye liner tried to chat him up. Dammit, Itachi! You're supposed to be scoping out all of the other eligible bachelors here, instead you're getting felt up by a guy who probably gets his kicks watching children "do" it!

"Hey."

Shisui turned his head in the direction to the person addressing him. "Hey." He said and stole a glimpse in his cousin's direction.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!" The man shouted.

Again, Shisui turned his head to lock eyes with honey colored irises, half lidded with lust or some sort of illicit drug, Shisui didn't know what.

"I've never seen you out here before." The man said. If you could even call him that. He looked to be seventeen.

"That's because I don't get out much." Shisui answered quickly. His plan was crumbling and if he didn't act soon, his cousin would be the one to be swept up in a sketchy white van, never to be seen or heard from again. Some wingman I'd be.

The boy/man/whatever bent his legs to the beat, lightly bouncing on the soles of his dark Vans. When Shisui brought his attention to the kid's face, he was met by the same lust-filled eyes and slanted smirk that gave way to the smallest of dimples.

"My name's Utakata." The boy said and blew a puff of air that pushed his mahogany fringe out of his face.

Shisui was half expecting him to be a cyborg, not gonna lie. "Shisui."

"Shisui." Utakata said slowly, testing the way the syllables felt on his tongue. "I like it."

"Your name's great too." Shisui lied. What did this kid think he was going to gain? A homework buddy to help him with his algebra homework?

"You haven't touched your drink." Orochimaru pouted back at the bar. "Don't tell me you're a teetotaler…"

"The idea is tempting but I didn't come to drink."

Orochimaru raised a curious brow. "Really? How…interesting." He quietly hissed. "Then if it wasn't to relax and have a drink, then what is it you were looking for my dear?"

Itachi focused on Orochimaru's tight fitting fishnet top which was much easier than meeting the man's lecherous gaze. Originally Itachi was worried about coming into contact with an overbearing man who could easily overpower him and become enraged when he rejected his advances. He didn't think he'd come into contact with someone of the likes of Orochimaru. "I'm waiting for a friend."

"Oh?" Orochimaru drew back slightly. "And how long have you and this…friend…of yours been together?"

"For nine years, right babe?" Shisui asked and wrapped his arms around Itachi's neck.

Shisui was most definitely drunk. It was the only explanation. But it was also a very good excuse to leave when they had the chance. "You're drunk, let's go home."

"Leaving so soon?" Orochimaru asked.

Itachi nodded and held Shisui around the waist to help support him. "Unfortunately. Sorry again about the drink." He apologized and nudged Shisui in the direction of the entrance. "Let's get you home, shall we?"

"But sweetheart! Honey bunches of oats!"

Honey bunches of oats?

"We just got here and I wanna dance and have fun and make out and have a good timeeeeee!"

"Shisui." Itachi sighed. "You are drunk. And we are leaving. End of discussion."

"Who's this?"

Itachi narrowed his eyes. "I could say the same to you?"

"That's Utakata." Shisui mumbled into Itachi's ear.

"Who?"

"Never mind him." He turned his attention back to his new companion. "It was nice meeting you, Utakata! Study hard so you can get into an Ivy League school!"

"What? What are you talking about?" Utakata called after them.

"Come on." Itachi urged and yanked him towards the door.

On their way out they ran into Kabuto again. "Leaving so soon, Shisui?"

Shisui gave him an emphatic look. "Sadly. See you at the meeting Tuesday morning?"

"See you then, Shi-su-wee~" He winked and blew a kiss in his direction.

"If you blow a kiss at him—"

"Relax, Itachi!" Shisui said and pried his cousin's arm away from his waist. "I'm not stupid."

"Some days I have my doubts." Itachi deadpanned.

Shisui snorted. "Whatever! Say, listen, can we stop at the liquor store on the way home? After an episode like that, I really need to get shit-face wasted!" He laughed.

Itachi stared blankly ahead, thinking about Orochimaru, the men in the bathroom stall, and the men fornicating on the dance floor. "That's the best thing I've heard all night."

"Really?"

"But I'm not getting 'shit-face wasted,' so don't get your hopes up."

"Deal!"

Rule #4: A wingman is to his buddy as a captain of a ship is to his passengers. When the waters get rough, it is up to you, the captain to keep calm, roll with the waves, and steer your vessel to safety.

My question to you anyone who wants to answer: I mentioned 4 Naruto pairings in this chapter - can anyone figure out what they were?

****To The Secret Sal: I hope you liked it! (and I know you will be able to name all 4 pairings I've included!) I would've included more but you don't have your favorites listed on your profile page anymore so... :( (ZetTo wasn't happening, and neither was NaruSasu, or HashiMada and that's all I could really remember that you liked :( Maybe some other time, Sasuke) (you're welcome btw - you'll see why in a minute)

****To Absolute Anarchy: Were you pleased with what you read? I tried to include you too, don't worry! (P.S. I was planning to have Orochimaru wear a black turtleneck until I re-read your review so I revised it! Love, M.R.~!)

In addition to answering my question, please tell me what you think!

And if you're intrigued by ShiUtaShi (Shisui x Utakata) check out Code Name Gil's fic "I Don't Date Idiots" ~ ;)

ONE MORE THING! The bartender was supposed to be Dosu (the guy from the sound village that Gaara killed before the final exams? Remember him? I just couldn't find a good way to describe him realistically here :/)

Until next time~

Sasori33-001