Chapter Four
Barney had been spending a lot of time in her apartment the last week. He said it was because he was bored at his apartment, but Cas thought it was because he didn't want to be alone. He stayed there sometimes when she went to work, and she would come home to find him watching some sports game or show on the tv. She didn't care, it was nice to not come home to an empty place. She had relaxed around him over the past week when he didn't try anything like the stupid almost kiss again. Maybe he had dropped it. She hoped so.
"Friendship over!" Barney was yelling at Ted when she walked into the bar. She had been running late today for their usual nightly bar visit. She had seven appointments tomorrow for work, which was almost twice as many as usual, so she had been going over the files she had for each person so she could refresh herself on them. She had made notes of things to suggest as well. And now, she wanted to relax and have a beer. Barney passed her as he stormed out of the bar. She took his spot in the chair at the end of the table.
"What's his problem?" She asked, pouring herself a beer from the pitcher.
"He's mad because Ted dated this one girl a while back who was a porn star, and Ted dumped her," Lily explained, laughing. Cas smiled.
"Of course he is," she said, shaking her head.
"But no, really guys, I'm going to call her," Ted said. Obviously Cas had arrived in the middle of a conversation. She sipped her beer.
"Don't call her," Marshall said.
"I'm gonna call her," Ted replied, pulling out his phone and looking through his contacts.
"The porn star?" Cas stage whispered to Robin.
"No, some chick named Natalie," Robin replied, trying not to laugh.
"I wonder if she remembers me," Ted said, lifting the phone to his ear. They all leaned in to try to hear the conversation. "Uh, hi, Natalie? It's Ted Mosby," he said and paused. They could all hear her yell into the phone. A second later Ted put the phone down. "Yeah, she remembers me."
The group laughed and Cas downed half her beer.
"What did you do that was so bad?" Lily asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Well…" Ted launched into the story of dumping her. On her birthday. On the answering machine. Lily hit him while Robin and Cas laughed. She had finished her first beer and was going to have another, but the pitcher was empty now. She frowned, then shrugged and picked up Barney's scotch glass that was still mostly full. She took a sip, grimaced as it burned her throat, and took another. She couldn't remember if she had ever had scotch before. It was alright, she supposed.
"I'm going to bed," Lily said less than ten minutes later. "I have a kindergarten class to teach in the morning." Marshall stood to leave with her, of course. Those two were like the same person. It was weird sometimes. Cas turned to Robin.
"Did Barney really pay you a hundred bucks to say nipple on television?" She asked. Robin rolled her eyes.
"I can't believe I did that. It was so unprofessional," Robin said, but she was half smiling. Cas shook her head, smiling too. Ted began to discuss some band or another with Robin, and Cas stood and yawned.
"I'm going home too, I have to go into work early tomorrow," she said.
"Bye," Robin said, waving. Cas waved back, then turned to leave and nearly lost her balance. Maybe the scotch was a bad idea. She hadn't eaten much that day, and now she was feeling really light headed. She made it to the street and the cool air helped her to clear her mind a bit. She somehow managed to unlock her door and stumble into her apartment.
"Are you drunk?" Barney asked from where he was sitting on the couch. She groaned. Of course he hadn't gone home. And of course he had to be here when she was more drunk than usual.
"No," she mumbled, stripping off her coat to hand by the door and trying to kick her shoes off at the same time. He caught her as she stumbled and chuckled.
"Sure you aren't," he said. She closed her eyes and tried to focus. She stood away from him.
"I'm not," she said, her voice steady this time. "I'm just a little more tipsy than usual. I finished your scotch. It was actually pretty good," she said, then followed him to the couch and plopped down. She had left her notes from her sessions on the coffee table, but that wasn't what was open. Barney had found one of her old photo albums from high school and had been looking through it. She grinned.
"That's from junior year, that was the best year," she said, looking down at the photos of her when she was younger and had friends. He picked the album back up and turned the page. Her smile dropped a little. She tucked her feet up under her and leaned closer to him to look at the pictures. She ran her fingers over the smiling blonde girl in the pictures next to her. Both of them grinning widely and sledding, or skiing, or sitting in the tree fort in her parents back yard, or dressed up for a school dance.
"Who's that?" Barney asked, flipping the page.
"My sister," she replied, flipping the next page for him.
"She's hot," Barney said suggestively.
"She's dead," she replied casually. He shut up for a minute and flipped to another page, then closed the album.
"I'm… uh, sorry," he said. She snorted.
"No you aren't, you're never sorry," she said, trying to stand up. Her head spun and she sat down again.
"And you're never drunk," he said, forming the words into a question.
"I didn't think scotch was that strong," she said, closing her eyes and leaning her head back. "And I'm really tired."
"Scotch isn't that strong," Barney said, frowning. "Did you eat today?"
"Yes, mother," she said dryly, then she frowned. "I ate a bagel for breakfast."
"Is that it?" He asked, frowning.
"Maybe," she said. He stood and went into the kitchen, returning with a glass of water which he handed to her when she opened her eyes. "I'm fine, stop parenting me." But she took a sip of the water anyway, then drank the rest of it quickly as it cleared her head a little. She leaned forward to set the glass on the coffee table, then curled up against the arm of the couch. She heard Barney sigh, but her eyelids were too heavy to open. He was saying something, but she was already asleep.
He sighed and looked down at her. Her hair was coming out of the braid she had worn that day and falling around her face in little curls. Her eyeliner was smudged a little. He spoke her name once, then again, but her eyes stayed closed and her breathing slowed. He hesitated for a moment, then bent over and slid an arm under her knees and another behind her shoulders, then lifted her up. She was lighter than he had expected. Much lighter. He carried her to her bed and somehow managed to pull the blankets back with one hand. He lowered her gently, letting her head fall onto the pillow, then he straightened her legs and pulled the blanket up over her. She stirred, and he froze, not wanting her to wake up, but she just turned toward the wall and curled up, her knees brought up to her chest, her arms tucked in. He smiled, then shook his head and turned around to leave, shutting off lights as he went and making sure to lock the door behind him.
Cas only stirred once as the door closed, but she didn't wake up.
Cas groaned when she woke the next morning to the door buzzer going off. Had Barney forgotten his key? And it had to be Barney, because no one else ever came here. She squinted out of the window blinds, then frowned. That was definitely not Barney.
She got up quickly, nearly tripping to rush to the buzzer.
"Yes?" She asked through the intercom.
"I'm sorry to bother you," the other person said. "I just moved in upstairs and I locked myself out. Can you please buzz me in?" She sighed, then pushed the door button. "Thanks," the person said, then the intercom went silent. She frowned and went back to her bed to check her phone. She was lucky that person had woken her up, she only had an hour until she had to be at work and she had forgotten to set an alarm. It would have been a bad impression to be late to work the first month. She showered, dressed, and was halfway out the door before she began to wonder why she had slept in her clothes the night before. She shrugged it off as she hit the road and hailed a cab.
That evening she came home to Barney sitting on her couch, watching tv.
"Why are you always here?" She asked tiredly as she closed the door behind her.
"Shh, Robin's on next. Come watch," he said, patting the couch next to him without looking up. She kicked off her shoes and dropped her bag of student files next to the door and shed her coat, then went into the kitchen. She was cold, she had been cold all day even though there wasn't yet snow on the ground and it wasn't actually that cold outside. She put a kettle on to boil water and found a coffee mug and a tea bag.
Five minutes later she was sitting on the couch, her hands wrapped around the hot mug, watching Robin reporting about a pair of really old twins who had both passed away right before their 100th birthday party. Barney turned the volume up as the report ended, watching the screen expectantly.
"I'm a dirty dirty girl," Robin said straight faced into the camera, then she slapped her ass and said "ow." Cas's mouth dropped open as she stared at the screen, then she burst into laughter.
"Please tell me you recorded that," she said through her giggles.
"I did. I have the nipple one too, and I have a really good plan for the next show. Let's go to the bar and find Robin," he said, standing.
"That's a live interview," Cas said rolling her eyes and taking a sip of her still scalding hot tea. "She won't be at the bar for another hour at least, and I have work to do.
"Fine," he huffed, sitting back down on the couch. Cas set her tea down at the table and retrieved her work bag, pulling out the files of the clients who had appointments tomorrow. There were two other school psychologists at Columbia but they were both older men, and a lot of her female students had said they felt uncomfortable talking to them, and some of the male ones had too, so they made a point to request her. She figured it was a good thing that they seemed to like her, she was getting more and more new clients. She liked to think that she was different from other psychologists, because she didn't just let the patient talk to her, she talked back to them. She shared her opinions and experiences so they could identify with her and they would feel more comfortable with her, like they were talking to a friend, not an aloof stranger. She also preferred the non drug methods of fixing problems. She was able to prescribe medication if she thought it was needed, but she hardly ever did. She wanted them to try things like meditation or keeping a journal first, because often times, those things worked if the person wanted them to. She jotted down meditation on one of the files she had for tomorrow. She wasn't sure the young man would give it a try, but he had severe anger issues at times, and she thought that maybe if she could get him to try it, it would help. She frowned, trying to think of a way to introduce the idea in an appealing way.
"Alright, enough of that focusing crap," Barney said, drawing her out of her thoughts. "Go change and we'll go to the bar."
"I said an hour Barney," she said, still reading her notes over.
"And it's been an hour and a half, lets go," he said, standing impatiently. She looked up at the clock, then back at him and made a face as though asking if she had to go with. He looked at her expectantly and she groaned and stood to go change.
She only stuck around the bar long enough for Barney to get distracted, then she muttered excuses to the others and went home to finish going over her notes for the next day. At least tomorrow was Friday and she could relax after work.
"You have to come to the bar," Barney said as soon as she answered her phone the next evening.
"Maybe later," she said. She had literally just walked in the door from work, she wanted to relax a little first.
"No, now. You have to watch Robin on tv," he said excitedly.
"I'll watch it here," she said, though she had no plans of doing so. She really just wanted to sleep.
"Ug, fine," he said, and hung up the phone. She frowned and tossed it onto the couch, her coat going over it and her shoes next. She stripped off her clothes in her living room, though she had been trying not to do that lately. She hadn't realized how much Barney having a key and with it, the ability to show up whenever he wanted, would affect the way she did things until he had almost walked in on her changing. At least that time she had been behind the screen of her makeshift bedroom and he hadn't seen anything.
She pulled on some jeans and a t-shirt and sat on the edge of her bed, wondering what to do. She really didn't want to keep working, it was already six. She glanced around her little bedroom, her eyes falling onto the calendar hung up behind her bedside table. It was a 'sights of New York' themed one, and this month was the empire state building. She frowned. She hadn't been back to it since the almost jump. Maybe she could go today. The city was pretty nice to look at during the day and she hadn't been anywhere besides work, home, and the bar in over a month. She made up her mind and stood, grabbed her coat, and left the apartment.
There was a line for the elevator, of course, but she waited patiently, not wanting to take the stairs today. She made it to the front of the line in under half an hour and took the elevator up, then followed the crowd of people down the hall to the observation deck. She was glad she had brought her coat this time, it was very cold up this high today. She shoved her hands into her coat pockets after pulling the hood against her neck, and found an empty space near the safety wall to lean and look out. If she ignored the constant talking of the people around her and the lights of cameras, it was actually very peaceful. She let out a breath, trying to forget about how stressed she had become from work the last few weeks, and just admired the view. The city was crawling with people, as it always was during the day, and far far below her, she could see the cars passing, like a line of ants. She smiled and watched the clouds moving across the sky until the sun began to set behind them, then she watched the colors change.
"What the hell are you doing?" a voice broke through her peacefulness. She turned, frowning, to see Barney, scowling in anger she had never seen from him before.
"What?" She asked, ignoring the curious looks of the tourists nearby. He stormed closer and gripped her arm tightly, leaning in so the others could hear him.
"I asked what the hell you are doing?" He repeated, not loosening his grip, though he didn't try to drag her towards the door like she thought he would.
"Admiring the view?" She asked in a small voice, her tone turning the answer into a question. She didn't like angry people, especially when they were angry at her and she didn't know what she had done.
"Admiring the-" he stopped and shook his head. "Please tell me you weren't up here to jump," he said quietly, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead with his free hand. She stared at him, mouth agape until he opened his eyes again.
"Of course I wasn't. I told you I wouldn't," she said softly. She twisted her arm out of his bruising grip.
"Then why didn't you take your phone?" He asked, still angrily, but his face was relaxing. She frowned and patted her pockets.
"I must have forgotten it. I didn't even notice," she said. He reached a hand into his coat pocket and held her phone out to her.
"You left it on your couch," he said. She took it silently and tucked it into her pocket. She looked up and watched his face, confused as to why he had reacted that way. He stared back at her, still frowning, and she realized what it was.
"Don't tell me you were worried about me," she said in a joking tone, trying not to let the seriousness of the situation seep in too much.
"Of course I was worried," he said, not joking in the least. "I- you- you're one of my best friends," he said, and she was surprised to hear his voice shake a little. She hadn't realized it until then, but he actually really cared. Not just about her, but about all of them. Now that she realized it, it became glaringly obvious in the little things he did for all of them. She hugged him tightly, throwing her arms around his shoulders. His arms reflexively went around her waist as she pressed her face into his chest.
"I'm sorry for scaring you," she said, stepping back from the hug.
"Don't go putting words in my mouth. I could care less if-" he began, his voice joking again.
"Yeah yeah, don't worry," she said, grinning. "I won't tell anyone that you actually have emotions like a normal human being. Your secret is safe with me." He huffed, and turned back to the view of the city for a moment.
"Okay, enough of this crap, lets get drunk," he said, grabbing her arm to tug her away from the platform. She laughed and followed him all the way down to the street, then split a cab back to the bar. "Did you see Robin tonight?" he asked, his eyes lighting up in mischief.
"No, what did you make her say?" Cas asked, watching the city roll by the car windows.
"She didn't say it," he said, grinning. She turned to look at him, eyebrow raised in question as the cab pulled up to the curb in front of the bar. "Oh no, this was so much better," he said, pulling out his wallet to pay the driver, then getting out to stand on the curb. He pulled his phone out and messed round for a minute then held it in front of her face, the volume all the way up. By the end she was laughing so hard he had to pull her into the bar.
"You got her," Lily comment as the slid into the booth. "What took you so damn long?" Cas glanced at him in confusion.
"We had to watch today's news of course," he said, grinning at Robin. Robin rolled her eyes and told him to shut up as the bartender brought a drink over for her, compliments of two guys at the bar who had watched her show. Ted came in a minute later, his eye blackened and a bruise spreading over his cheek. Cas scooted in on the bench to make room for him, and frowned as tingles raced up her leg where she touched Barney. She didn't glance at him, just turned to listen to Ted talk about his horrible breakup with Natalie.
She was distracted through the next two rounds, trying very hard not to think about Barney. What was this? She wasn't some stupid teenage girl who got crushes on people just because they showed her affection once and freaked out when they accidentally came into contact. She shook her head, doing her best to keep a little space between her and Barney which was hard to do in the limited space. Eventually she gave up and pleaded tiredness to go home, giving the group a smile as she left. She let out a breath as the cool air hit her face outside, and shook her head. What was wrong with her? That thought repeated in her head until she was curled up in bed under her warm blankets, ready to sleep. It took a while, but sleep did come eventually.
She successfully avoided Barney for the rest of the week by claiming to have a cold. She also had to avoid the rest of the group to make that story plausible. The next Friday night found her upside down on her couch, her head near the floor, her feet over the back of the couch, in shorts and a tank top, reading a book she had been really into all week. The tv was on, but she had muted it earlier, and her laptop was open on her bed playing through a playlist of songs she enjoyed. She didn't even hear the door open and close, she was so invested in her book. She didn't look up to see Barney's eyes run along her legs and up her stomach and breasts to her face. She also didn't notice that he had brought Robin with him until the other woman yanked the book from her hands. Cas yelped and slid sideways so that she was half laying on the couch, then fell to the floor with a soft thud. She sat up, frowning at them.
"What do you want, I was reading," she said.
"We noticed," Robin said as Barney cleared his throat. Cas stood and went to close her laptop, cutting off the quiet music.
"Well?" She asked, coming back to find them in the same place.
"I like your apartment," Robin said, looking around her.
"We are going to a club," Barney said at the same time. Cas sighed. "And you have to wear whatever Robin tells you to wear." Robin nodded in agreement.
"And I can't get you to just leave?" Cas asked, sighing.
"Nope," Robin said, smiling, then she turned to Barney. "Go away," she said. He huffed, but left the apartment.
"Can you please just say I was sick or something?" Cas begged when she heard the outside door shut too. Robin gave her a look, and she sighed in resignation. "I don't own any clothes to wear out to a club."
"That's fine, I brought some of Lily's," Robin said, holding up a bag. Cas sighed again, then took the bag and retreated behind her screen divider as Robin settled into the couch.
"Why do I have to go to a club?" Cas asked, stripping off her clothes. "And do I actually have to wear this bra?" She asked, frowning at the push up bra.
"Yes you do," Robin said smugly. "And I met the owner of OKAY and he is getting us in." Cas frowned. She knew what OKAY was of course, some of the college kids who came to her for therapy sessions had begun talking about it a month ago.
Cas finished dressing in silence, pulling the too short skirt on and the much too tight shirt on before stepping out into the living room.
"I look like a slut," she said, looking down at herself.
"No, but you will after we do your hair and makeup," Robin said, grinning. Cas frowned at her, but felt better when she noticed that Robin was wearing clothes that were just as slutty. She let Robin subject her hair and face to torture for half an hour, then protested when Robin tried making her look in the mirror. She lost that fight as well, and froze when she caught sight of herself She frowned.
"What's wrong? Don't you like it?" Robin asked from behind her.
"I look… hot," Cas said, looking at herself in the mirror. The circles under her eyes were gone, her legs looked long and thin, her breasts were pushed up nicely by the bra.
"Of course you do," Robin said, rolling her eyes. "The raw material is what counts and it's all there. Now lets go."
"Fine," Cas said, emptying the things she would need from her purse into her coat pocket before following Robin out to get a cab. Cas couldn't remember the last time she had put this much effort into looking nice, whether it was her effort or someone else's. She grew excited as the cab dropped them off on the curb in front of the club and Robin led them to the front. Maybe finding some random guy to hook up with was just what she needed. She could hear the loud music as soon as they stepped in the doors. Robin made them wait near the doors, looking out every time it opened to see if Barney and Ted were there yet. Cas turned off her phone and checked in her coat while she waited, feeling exposed in the short sleeved shirt and tiny skirt.
"I'm gonna go in," she said to Robin, raising her voice to be heard over the music. "Find me before you go okay?" Robin nodded and Cas turned to go up the stairs to the dance floor where the music was loud enough to drown out everything else. It had been years since she had gone dancing, and she hadn't realized how much she had missed it until just then. She started to move to the beat as soon as she set foot among the crowd, blending in with the moving masses of people. She closed her eyes as she danced, her face growing into a smile. She wasn't sure who she was dancing with at times, people came and went so often, and she was fine with that. Yes, she had needed a fun night out. She spotted Robin a few times, and Ted once throughout the night, but she didn't bother talking to them. She was going to go home with someone tonight, she just wasn't sure who. She was surprised to see Marshall there a little while later, Robin had said he and Lily were staying home, but she didn't think about it for long, turning around to dance with the guy who had come up behind her.
She wasn't sure how long it was until she was full on kissing the guy, and he was dragging her along to the coat check, and then they were leaving.
"Cas?" She heard as she stepped out of the club, the guys arms around her waist as they walked to get a cab. She turned to see Lily and Robin sitting on the curb, both looking upset. Cas glanced at them, then at the guy.
"Sorry, maybe next time," she said to the guy. She hadn't yet learned his name. He rolled his eyes and walked away as she went to sit with Robin and Lily.
"What's up?" She asked, sitting next to them.
"I can't get back in," Robin said, glaring over her shoulder at the security guard.
"Marshall just left, in the middle of our own party, you don't do that," Lily said, frowning. She caught the look Robin gave her. "Unless, of course, you're chasing after someone who's already done it, and then I think it's okay," she added.
"Well, I hate to take his side... but come on, a wine tasting?" Robin asked. "What's the big plan for next Saturday, scrabble night?"
"Don't check your email," Lily said, and Cas and Robin both giggled.
"Why are you becoming this person?" Robin asked a moment later. "I heard that in college you flashed a campus tour group on a dare."
"Once on a dare," Lily said, then smiled. "The other times were just for fun." She paused, then sighed. "I'm not in college anymore. I'd love to go back and be that person again, but you can't move backwards you can only go forward."
"Um, false…" Robin said, frowning. "You can go wherever you want. I guess the question is where do you want to go?" Lily thought about it for a moment, then frowned.
"I want to go into this club and find my fiance," she said.
"Well that you can't do," Robin said. They all sat in silence for a moment.
"Wanna bet?" Lily asked, getting to her feet. "Follow my lead," she said, walking over to the bouncer. Cas and Robin followed, wondering what she was doing. "Hey, big guy," she called. When the bouncer looked her way, Lily lifted her shirt, flashing him. Robin and Cas both stood there shocked. "I said follow my lead," Lily said, nudging them when she had fixed her shirt. Cas gave her a look, then sighed, ignoring the guys at the front of the line begging for them to follow Lily's lead. She gripped the bottom of her shirt and lifted it, catching her bra on the way to fully flash them. She straightened her shirt and bra as Robin followed suit. The bouncer nodded and let them into the club. As soon as they were through the door, Cas broke out into giggles.
"I've never flashed anyone before. It works so well, I wish I'd known that in college," she said, following the two girls up to the dance floor as they laughed.
The music was too loud to talk, but Lily motioned for them to split up to look for Marshall. Robin went left and Lily went right, which left Cas to loiter near the doorway. She looked around, craning her neck to try to see over the dancing people. She found Barney, grinding against a red headed girl and was just about to turn away when she saw the girl turn around, freak out, and leave. Barney came rushing towards her, and the door, walking right passed her without seeing her, a look of disgust on her face. She followed him down the stairs.
"Ted, bring your coat, we're leaving," Barney said, still not noticing her standing right behind him.
"What? What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?" Ted asked, shedding the multiple coats he was wearing for some reason.
"That was my cousin, Leslie," Barney said, shuddering.
"What?!" Ted asked, laughing.
"No, no, no... we are not laughing about this, Ted," Barney said, walking down a couple more steps. Cas followed, trying to stifle her own laughter. "This is not going to be some funny story that we'll be telling in a couple months. It's not gonna be like, "Hey, remember that time when you were grinding with... NO! And you know why? Because, italics," he held his hands up slanted, to illustrate his next words. "This night did not happen. And you promise me that you will never, ever, ever tell another soul what transpired here tonight. You promise. Promise."
"I promise," Ted said, still trying not to laugh.
"I promise," Cas repeated, and Barney whirled around in surprise, then groaned.
Alright," Ted said, laughing. "Let's get Marshall and go, okay?" He shed the coats and turned around to talk to the coat check girl. "Hey. Thanks for saving my night. I'll talk to you soon? Umm, hey... tip her, Barney."
"Why, I didn't check a coat," Barney said, glowering at Cas who was still laughing. "And even if I did, on principle tip jars have become so…"
"Funny story," Ted began, turning back to the coat check girl. "Barney was grinding with this girl all night…"
"FINE!" Barney said panicked, fumbling in his walled for some cash. "Just... eh." He said, then turned around and went back up the stairs.
"That's a handy new trick," Ted murmured to Cas as they made to follow him. They stopped next to Robin who pointed out Lily and Marshall on the floor, making out, then turned away as Lily began to grope Marshall. Cas shook her head and followed them down to the exit, stopping to get her checked coat on the way, Ted making sure to tow Marshall and Lily along too. Robin said she was going to stay a little longer, so the five of them squeezed into the cab. Cas's ears were ringing from the loud music, and she ignored the half shouted conversation, looking out the window tiredly. She wasn't really sorry that she hadn't gone home with whats-his-name earlier, but as she sat in the cab behind Barney, catching little breezes of his cologne smell, she wished she had gone home with someone, just to get the stupid crush, or whatever it was, out of her system.