GA 8.5 Chapter Four: "From This Moment On" by lovemesomeowen

We take our lives for granted, blithely going about our business. Our jobs, our homes, our health, our safety…even the relationships with the people who mean the most to us…can become so much a part of our day-to-day lives that we barely give them any thought at all. But what happens when what we've come to depend upon goes away? Whether by sudden tragedy or the slippery slope of neglect and indifference, loss hits us like a sucker punch. Is it possible to reassemble a life that's been shattered into a million pieces?

Alex Karev walked swiftly through Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital, working his way through the labyrinth of corridors until he finally saw Cristina sitting on a gurney by the windows of the familiar passageway. Her head was back and her eyes closed, as she took advantage of the brief moment of quiet.

"Move over, Yang!" he said, sitting down beside her.

She glared at him, mildly irritated but too tired to make the snarky reply he was clearly expecting.

"No sling," he said.

"No sling," she confirmed, making room for him. "Callie says it will be at least another few weeks before I'm cleared for surgery, but it's a start."

He sat up a little straighter, concern in his eyes. "When did you see Torres? How is she?"

"Owen and I took dinner over last night. She's a mess." Cristina sighed. "It's only been two weeks. We expected as much but it's bad. She's barely functioning. We're trying to get over there every few days. She only goes out to visit Mark. Otherwise she's completely alone with Sofia in the apartment. I don't think it's good for her to be by herself so much. Too much time to think."

"Does her family know?"

Cristina shrugged. "I know she's spoken to her dad. Not sure about her mom or her sister. That's a difficult situation. She may go visit Arizona's parents. They asked again but she doesn't want to leave Mark."

"He's stable now. It would be a good time for her to go, actually. He's going to need her a lot more once he's released."

"Which was exactly what he told her. I think she may do it. She needs a change of scenery. You should go see her in the meantime. She needs her friends."

Alex looked guilty as a cloud came over his face. "I know. I've…been avoiding it."

"Then stop it. Get over your guilt, which has no basis in reality by the way, and go see her. She's going stir crazy and she's in no shape to come back to work. It's going to be awhile."

They heard footsteps in the distance and turned their hands to see Meredith hurrying towards them, a bag slung over one shoulder, and carrying a tray of coffee.

"Glad you could make it," Alex said. "Aren't you the one who called us?"

"Sorry," Meredith replied, plopping down on the empty spot on the gurney. "Anything that could possibly go wrong this morning did." She handed each of them a paper cup, keeping the last one for herself.

Cristina took a sip and then asked carefully, "How's Derek?"

Meredith looked exhausted. "He's very depressed."

"Eating cereal out-of-the-box depressed?" Alex asked. "Is he shaving? Taking showers?"

"He's managing basic hygiene, yes," she said, wearily, "but that's about it. I get it. He was going to run the Neurology Department at Harvard and now it's going to be months before we'll even know if he'll regain basic function in his hand. I get it. But he can't sit on the couch all day. We have a daughter."

"Owen's trying to figure out something for him here," Cristina interjected.

"I know and I appreciate it. It's just that it's more complicated than that. Derek's already gotten offers to teach…to present at conferences…but he's a surgeon. And I don't know what's going to happen if he can't be a surgeon."

"He could be a plumber," Cristina muttered. Seeing their confused looks she added, "Never mind."

"So why are we here exactly?" Alex asked, looking at his watch. "Orientation starts in thirty minutes."

"That's why we're here," Meredith said. "It's our first day as fellows! We survived residency."

"Literally," Cristina said dryly.

"Mock all you want, but we made it through our internships and our residencies. We are board-certified surgeons who have fellowships at one of the most prestigious programs in the country. And we are still standing. We beat the odds. Three of us made it. That deserves to be celebrated…or at least commemorated."

She turned towards them and lifted her cup, "To us. We did it."

Their cups touched in a silent toast, as the weight of the occasion washed over them.

"Can't we ditch orientation?" Alex asked. Seeing their faces he added, "We've been here for years! Why do we need to be oriented? Seems redundant to me."

"True," Cristina agreed. "But Owen's introducing all of the new staff members and there are several new fellows as well. We need to get to know them. They're the competition. And then we get time with our Attendings, so suck it up and deal. It shouldn't take long."

"Fine," he grumbled, "but I'm going to need lunch so meet me in the cafeteria later."

Meredith nodded her consent.

"Yang?"

"Yeah, I'll be there," she said, sliding to her feet. "Come on, let's go get this over with."

There was a knock on the open conference room door. Owen looked up from his paperwork.

"Come in!" he said warmly. He rose to his feet and extended his hand.

"Rachel. Michael." He shook each hand in turn. "Welcome to Seattle Grace Mercy West. Please sit down."

The Zimmermans took seats at the conference table.

"We really are delighted to be here, Owen. Thank you for making it happen," Rachel said.

"I'm glad everything worked out. How'd your daughter take the news?"

"Emma's in college now, so what we do doesn't affect her nearly as much any more," Rachel replied. "It's just a slightly longer plane ride. She's at Columbia."

"That's great. Well, Cristina is very excited you're here," Owen said. "She can't wait to work with you."

Rachel smiled. "The feeling is mutual. How's her shoulder?"

"Improving…the sling's off. She has to take it easy and really feels it at night. She'll be on acetaminophen for awhile. But we're hoping she'll be cleared for surgery within the month."

"That's encouraging. And there's plenty for her to do in the meantime. I can't wait to get started."

"That's good because I'm going to need both of you to hit the ground running. As you know, Dr. Altman left rather abruptly to take her new position and Dr. Robbins…well, Michael, I'm sure you've gathered that this is devastating time for the Pediatrics Department and for the surgical staff as a whole. They're going to need both your leadership and your sensitivity."

"Of course…I'll do my best to make the transition as smooth as possible, given the circumstances," Michael said.

"Just a heads up. Your fellow, Alex Karev, is taking the loss of Dr. Robbins particularly hard. She was his mentor and he was very close to her as a result. I highly doubt he would ever say anything to you about it. It's not his nature. But I wanted you to know. He's an excellent surgeon and very dedicated to his patients. Arizona trained him very well and we're fortunate to have him. Johns Hopkins wanted him badly."

"I'll make sure he's glad he stayed," Michael said. "Thanks for telling me."

"One more thing. Dr. Callie Torres is an attending in Orthopedics. She was Dr. Robbins' wife. She's on a bereavement leave for now but it's going to be difficult when she returns. I'd appreciate anything you can do to make a painful situation less so."

Michael Zimmerman nodded. "I understand."

"OK, then, I think that's it. Orientation begins in ten minutes. Let's go meet your teams."

"It's just for a few hours," Meredith said, exasperated. She furrowed her brow as she listened. "I don't want to have it at Joe's. I want to have it at our home. Jackson is my friend and he's getting a decent going-away party…yes…yes, I understand but I'm not backing down on this…we aren't done discussing this!" She shut off her phone, eyes snapping, and skewered a mouthful of salad with her fork.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Cristina asked. She took another bite of her sandwich.

"This is important to me. Why can't he understand that? I want Jackson to have a nice party."

"It could still be nice at Joe's," Cristina said. "Maybe it's just too much for Derek to handle right now."

"I want it at the house," Meredith insisted.

"Is this about Jackson or about Lexie?" Cristina countered. "Because this is not just about a party."

Meredith's eyes welled up and she blinked back tears. "You're right. It probably is about Lexie and it's about Derek, too. I know I'm not being rational. But I'm doing this and I'm done talking about it."

"Okay," Cristina said. She scanned the cafeteria, looking for Alex. "I hope he gets here soon. I can't stay long."

"Why not? It's our first day and you can't even operate yet!" She stabbed another bite of salad, still upset.

"Owen and I have therapy this afternoon with Dr. Wyatt. It's our first session."

"I thought that was last week."

"Last week was individual sessions. This is a joint session," Cristina replied. Seeing the look on Meredith's face, she added, "I don't want to hear it."

"I didn't say anything!"

"You said plenty. Leave it alone, Mer…"

Meredith frowned again, as a text message pinged on her phone. "Fine. Whatever. I have enough to deal with right now anyway." She read the text. "Great. That's Thatcher again. He keeps texting me. He wants to talk. Really? " She paused. "Am I a terrible person?"

"Probably," Alex said, joining them at last. "What did you do this time?"

"Thatcher wants to meet with me and I know Lexie just died and I should probably do it but I'm dealing with work and Derek and Zola…"

"And the fact that you and Thatcher have exchanged about thirty words in three decades…" Cristina added. "You're not a terrible person but you're going to have to bite the bullet and see him. Sorry."

"I know," Meredith said, resigned. "Let's talk about something else. How did it go with the Zimmermans?"

"Mine is great," Cristina volunteered. "She's an amazing surgeon, she wants to teach me and she isn't involved in my personal life in any way. It's kind of a miracle, actually. I'm going to get the research lab up and running. And I have full participation in any case she's working on…the only thing I can't do yet is cut."

"Mine's good, too," Alex said. "I mean, he's not Dr. Robbins…but he knows his stuff and so far he hasn't pulled any crap…"

He stopped mid-sentence, distracted.

Meredith and Cristina followed his gaze and then exchanged knowing glances.

"Who's that?" Meredith asked.

Absent-mindedly he replied, "Um…what? Who's who?"

"The stunning redhead in the dessert line," Meredith said pointedly.

"I know who that is," Cristina said, as Alex turned bright pink. "Give me a minute…what's her name? Chamberlain. Erika Chamberlain…new Ortho Fellow. Ooh! This is perfect." She caught Dr. Chamberlain's eye and beckoned to her.

"What are you doing?" Alex asked. "Don't do that!"

"What? Callie asked me to say hi…offer to help her…blah blah. It's no big deal."

"You're never nice to new people," Alex muttered.

"Yeah, well I'm making an exception, given that Callie's wife just died. This isn't junior high school. Man up." She stood to greet Erika Chamberlain, who was looking curious.

"I'm Cristina Yang. Cardio Fellow," Cristina said smoothly. "I just wanted to welcome you to Seattle Grace. Callie Torres is a friend of mine. I know you're going to enjoy working with her. If you need anything, let me know."

Erika nodded and smiled warmly. "Erika Chamberlain. It's nice to meet you."

"This is Meredith Grey from General and Alex Karev, Pediatrics. Why don't you sit down? I'm on my way out anyway."

"Are you sure I'm not interrupting?" Erika asked.

"Not at all," Cristina insisted, as Meredith and Alex looked skeptical. "See you tonight!" She smiled as she walked away, mouthing to Alex, "You're welcome."

"Well, are you going to come in or not?" Mark asked.

Jackson, who had been standing silently in the doorway deciding whether or not to knock, gave a start. "I thought you were asleep."

"I'm not," Mark said gruffly. "So the Prodigal Resident returns…"

Jackson looked uncomfortable. "Yeah, I'm sorry I haven't been by more often. I was here a lot before you woke up," he added, lamely.

"Yeah, I know." Mark decided to let the kid off-the-hook. "That's what everyone said. I know it's a weird situation with you leaving and Lexie and everything…"

"That's no excuse," Jackson said. "I really am sorry. I didn't know what to say, so I just didn't say anything. But it's my last day and I didn't want to leave without thanking you. You put a lot of time and effort into teaching me and…I'm grateful."

Mark managed a small smile. "You're welcome. You're going to be very good, Avery. Make sure people know where you learned everything you know."

"I learned from the best."

"Damn straight, you did. You take care of yourself. Let me know how you're getting along? We're still the Plastics Posse, right?"

Jackson smiled, relieved. "Yes, sir. Plastics Posse." They bumped fists and he decided to change the subject. "So when are you getting sprung from here?"

"No idea. I suspect later rather than sooner…probably several weeks."

"You'll keep me posted?"

"That depends. You gonna 'friend' me?" Jackson nodded. "Then you've got yourself a deal. I don't tweet," Mark added, as Jackson grinned.

"You're tired," Jackson said. "I should go."

"Yeah. I hear there's a party for you tonight. Sorry I can't make it."

"Me, too. You take care of yourself."

"I will. You, too."

Jackson reached out to shake Sloan's hand and the older man pulled him into a hug.

"Go out there and be great. Make me proud."

"I'll do my best."

They looked at each other a long moment and then nodded their goodbye.

Jackson left the room, giving Mark a last glance and a wave as he went.

Sloan closed his eyes, exhausted, and silently wished his protégée well before retreating back into himself once again, lost and alone.

"As you know," Dr. Wyatt began, "I felt it was very important to meet with each of you individually before we started couples' therapy. The reason for that is two-fold. First, it gave me the chance to explore what is going in your marriage from each point-of-view and allows both of you to speak completely freely without the need, however unintentional, to censor yourself in any way because your partner is present. Second, it offers an opportunity to identify both patterns of behavior and unique perceptions, because each of you, naturally, views this situation very differently."

"A large part of my role," she continued, "is to be an impartial third-party who can offer a neutral voice to guide you through this process through my observations and professional experience. It's clear from my sessions with you both that Cristina's pregnancy and subsequent abortion was the catalyst for the implosion of your marriage. However, it is my opinion that it was actually what came before and after…or perhaps more precisely what didn't happen rather than what did…that led to the unraveling of your relationship. So, as we've agreed, our focus in these sessions will be communication. Until you learn to talk to each other openly, honestly, and directly you won't be able to break the cycle of toxic patterns in your relationship."

"So where do we start?" Owen asked.

"This is going to be a long process," Dr. Wyatt replied. "These issues are complex and neither of you is completely right or completely wrong. I bring this up simply to remind you that we'll likely be meeting together for several months. This is not a quick fix. Today, we're simply making a start."

Cristina and Owen both nodded as they remembered the last time they had sat on this couch.

"Owen," Dr. Wyatt said, "you have a tendency to lash out and then retreat or, as Cristina calls it, you explode and then go silent. Our goal is to get you to talk about your feelings because nothing good comes of stuffing your anger deeply inside of you. It always comes out in the end and often at the most unfortunate of times."

Owen remembered Zola's birthday party and nodded in agreement.

Dr. Wyatt turned her attention to Cristina. "Cristina, your pattern is making decisions unilaterally without consulting Owen in a meaningful way about what he wants or what he needs. You are no longer on your own. You are a married woman who needs to consider her husband when making choices." Cristina said nothing but nodded her consent. "The goal here is to help you to talk to Owen truthfully about what you want and need in your life and integrate those desires with his. You don't have to lose your own voice to also acknowledge his. Ultimately compromise will be required on both sides as you construct a common vision for your life together. As I said, today we're simply taking a step. So what's on your mind?"

There was a long silence until finally Cristina said, "We're not having sex."

Owen looked surprised.

"What?" Cristina asked.

"I'm just…that was unexpected," he said. "It seems like an odd place to start."

"Why? She asked what's on my mind. That's on my mind," Cristina said. "Sex used to be the one thing that was steady. No matter what else was going on with us, the sex was good and it was the glue. Then when things started to fall apart that went away. The last time we had sex was the night before the crash and I honestly can't remember the time before that. Before the birthday party I guess."

Owen tried to gather his thoughts. "You are recovering from a separated shoulder. Two of our colleagues…our friends…have died. The department is in chaos…"

"And those are all valid reasons," Cristina interrupted, "but there's more to it than that because we do what we want to do, Owen. If we wanted to…if you wanted to…we'd find a way. We're surgeons. There's never a time when life isn't crazy. We're tired all the time and we're busy all the time. That didn't stop us before."

"No, it didn't," he said. "I keep coming back to that. After…the abortion…we had sex. We had lots of sex. We buried ourselves in sex." He paused and looked at Dr. Wyatt who silently encouraged him to continue. "We buried ourselves in sex so much that we never talked about anything. We tried to pretend it didn't happen…that things were okay. Things were not okay. Things were the farthest possible point away from okay. And I don't want that to happen again."

"So we're not having sex because you don't want us to fall into the same bad habits," Cristina said slowly, working it through in her mind. "What else?"

Owen looked confused. Cristina repeated the question. "What else? I think there's more to this. What else?"

Owen hesitated.

"Owen," Dr. Wyatt said gently, "you've got to tell Cristina how you feel. How you really feel."

"I was so happy that night," he said finally. "Even after all that had happened. Even though I knew we hadn't fixed anything. After we slept together I was so happy …and then you said you were leaving and the bottom dropped out of my life. What if that plane hadn't fallen out of the sky? You'd be at the Mayo Clinic right now and I'd have lost you. You were saying goodbye."

Cristina opened her mouth to speak, but Dr. Wyatt held her off.

"So sex has a connotation of loss for you, Owen?" Dr. Wyatt asked.

"I … guess so, yes. I hadn't thought of it that way before…," he said, his voice trailing off.

Dr. Wyatt pressed on, "Were there any other times when sex led to feelings of loss?"

There was a gaping silence as Cristina and Owen's eyes met in sudden realization.

"Oh, god," Cristina said. "When I told you I was pregnant you were happy. I gave you everything you ever wanted …and then I took it away."

"Yes," Owen said quietly. "And I resented the hell out of you." Cristina flinched.

"I know this hurts. It hurts me, too." He looked right at her, his eyes blazing. "Why did you even bother to tell me? Why tell me you were pregnant at all when you knew damn well you weren't keeping it?"

"I don't know," Cristina said. "It never occurred to me not to tell you. I tell you things."

"You don't," he countered. "You tell Meredith things."

"That's not fair. I do tell her things. But I tell you things, too. Things nobody else knows. Not even Meredith. And when I found out I was pregnant I came straight to you."

"So I would validate the decision you'd already made?"

"Because my world was falling apart!"

"And there it is," he said, nearly spitting out the words. "Finding out you were carrying our baby, the baby we conceived in love, my baby…caused your world to fall apart. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?"

He was on his feet now, pacing the room, agitated. "You wanted me to tell you it was all going to be okay…even though I totally disagreed with you. That's what I do, right? You make some decision without me and I say it's okay and then we move past it until the next time. It was not okay. I had no say in the decision and that was not okay at all but I still went with you. I knew I was going to lose our baby…that I would never be a father…that you'd already made up your mind whether I liked it or not. But I didn't want to lose you, too. I couldn't lose you, too. You are my world. And you needed me. So I went with you. Not because I was okay with it. Because I felt I had no other choice. Never doubt that I love you, Cristina. I loved you enough to go with you even though my world was falling apart."

Cristina looked devastated. "I don't know what say," she said softly, as he sat down again, putting his face in his hands, spent. She put her hand on his back. "I never wanted to hurt you. I love you. Please believe me." The pain in her voice was palpable.

"I do believe you," he said. "But it still hurts like hell."

"So what have we got?"

Alex Karev looked up, confused, to see Erika Chamberlain standing there. "Sorry?"

"You requested a consult from Ortho. Stat."

"Oh, right." He turned his attention back to his young patient. "Scotty, this is Dr. Chamberlain. She's going to take a look at your legs, okay?" Scotty nodded solemnly.

Karev forced himself to stay focused on the task at hand. He appreciated a pretty face but not at the expense of his work. What the hell is wrong with me?

It was clear Erika had skills. She completed the examination quickly yet thoroughly and seemed to have won Scotty over as quickly as she had Alex.

"A word with you Dr. Karev?" she asked.

"Sure," Alex replied. "Be right back, Scotty." He motioned to a nearby intern. "Can you stay with him for a minute?"

They stepped a few feet away, talking quietly.

"How on earth did that happen?" she asked? "Both of his legs are crushed!"

"Fell out of his tree house."

"No head injury?"

"Minor. He was wearing his bike helmet," Alex replied.

"What?"

"He'd been riding his bike and forgot to take the helmet off," Alex clarified.

"Wow."

"I know. Guess it was his lucky day."

"I guess so."

The thought crossed his mind, unbidden. "Mine, too." She really was captivating.

"Dr. Karev!" Michael Zimmerman walked towards them. "Fill me in."

"Yes, sir. This is Dr. Chamberlain. She's here from Ortho." Karev gave Zimmerman the rundown on Scotty. "I'd like to operate immediately. Dr. Chamberlain will handle the leg reconstruction. I can handle the rest…unless you want to do it?"

"That won't be necessary, Dr. Karev," Zimmerman said, sizing up the situation. "I think the two of you have it covered. Page me if you need anything." He strode off, smiling to himself.

Alex and Erika looked at each other.

"What just happened?" Alex asked.

"Apparently we're doing this surgery. On our own." She grinned from ear to ear.

"I'm going to like being a Fellow," he said. "This is awesome."

"Right? Come on, let's go talk to Scotty's parents" she said, giving him a high-five. "We've got this."

"So you're saying you've changed your mind? That you can't live without a baby?" Cristina asked.

"That's not what I'm saying at all," Owen said. "I stand by my decision. I want a life with you, even if that means not having children. What I cannot handle is another abortion. I can choose to accept a life without kids as long as I have you but I cannot abort another child. I won't do it."

"Just to clarify," Dr. Wyatt said, "You're worried about another accidental pregnancy?"

"Yes," Owen said. "And I realize it probably sounds irrational, but we were using birth control when Cristina got pregnant. It happens." He paused and turned to Cristina, who had gotten very quiet. "Talk to me."

She looked up him and met his gaze. "You're not irrational. You're more on-target than you know."

Owen looked completely confused. "I…don't understand."

"I know," she asked simply. "Let me try to explain. I don't want to be a mother. I have never wanted to be a mother. Never. Some people don't want kids."

Owen jumped in immediately. "I know that," he said. "That was a ridiculous thing to have said and I said it in a moment of utter frustration. I know some people don't want kids. I guess I've just had trouble accepting that you are one of those people. I honestly thought you might change your mind someday, when you were farther along in your career. I know now that that's never going to happen."

"No, it's not but that's not my point." She paused and then just decided to say it. "I was pregnant before."

Owen looked stunned, clearly not expecting that.

"It was my intern year. I'd gotten involved with Burke. It was just sex. The relationship part came later. There was zero chance I was having a baby. I scheduled an abortion."

"You scheduled an abortion," he said, noting her choice of words.

"Yes. That's how Meredith became my 'person'. She was my emergency contact. But I had a miscarriage a few days later, during the waiting period. It was an ectopic pregnancy…I collapsed while I was observing a surgery…my fallopian tube burst." She shuddered involuntarily, caught up for a moment in the memory of it all.

"You could have died," he said, trying to process the information. But he felt like he'd been punched in the gut. Why was he just hearing this now? After all this time? It was like hearing about her non-wedding all over again, but so much worse.

"Yes, I could have," she admitted. "The whole thing was traumatic and scary and the hormones afterwards turned me into a freakin' basket case. But if it hadn't happened I still would have had the abortion. I don't want to be a mother. That's what I need you to understand."

Dr. Wyatt finally broke the long, awkward silence. "Owen, you've retreated. Can you verbalize what you're feeling right now?"

"I don't know how I feel," he said distractedly. He couldn't wrap his mind around it.

"What's happening?" Cristina asked, perplexed. "You seem upset with me."

"What were you expecting?" Owen asked, incredulous.

"I don't know. A little understanding? Some compassion maybe?" Cristina replied.

"What happened to you was terrible," he said. "I'm sorry you went through that and I'm not angry that it happened…"

"But you are angry," she interrupted.

"Damn right, I'm angry! Angry that you didn't tell me! How long have we been together? A long time. And you never felt the need to mention this? Not while we were dating, not when we were talking marriage, not when you got pregnant and were planning to abort our child, not when we were trying to pick up the pieces…hell, not even in therapy! You keep things from me…important things…things that shape our life …that impact our decisions…and then you wonder why I'm pissed off? I'm your husband, Cristina. You can't keep things like this from me."

"I'm telling you now," she protested. "I didn't see any reason to tell you before."

"And that's where we fundamentally disagree. Because you fail to see the relevance and it's all that I can see. I tell you things. I include you in the decisions I make. I think of you when I make choices," he argued.

"Like when you yelled at me in front of all our friends at Zola's party?" she asked, her own anger rising. "Like when you cheated on me with that slut?" He looked stricken. "If I hadn't called you out, would you ever have told me about that? I don't think you would have, so don't get so righteous. That's crap! You made a decision that affected us both in a big way. This is on both of us."

"I chose to not tell you about the cheating," he said softly, so quietly she could barely hear him, "because I didn't see what good would come of it. I made a terrible mistake and I knew damn well I'd carry the shame and the guilt of that with me forever. I didn't see the point in making you suffer, too. Why put you through that? And maybe that was wrong of me, but I thought about it and I made a choice. And when you did ask me about it, I didn't lie to you. I told you the truth, even when the truth was terrible and I knew it might mean the end of us.

"I am willing to bet that it's never crossed your mind to tell me about your prior pregnancy. I could almost understand if you had considered telling me and then opted not to, but you don't do that. You lie by omission. I feel lesser in your life. Like I don't matter. Like I'm an afterthought. I know I've made mistakes and I accept responsibility for them. But I can't be last on your list, Cristina. I need to matter to you more than that."

Cristina didn't answer. Dr. Wyatt finally spoke.

"This is good." They both looked up at her in disbelief. "I mean it," she continued. "It's good. You're finally being honest with each other and that's what it takes for your resentments and frustrations to surface in a healthy way. You're discussing openly how it feels to have information withheld from you…and how it feels to be the one doing the withholding. I told you this isn't easy, but it's necessary. It's the only way you'll be able to rebuild trust and move forward. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you're making a start."

"April…April, come on, wait up!"

April Kepner whirled around.

"So now you want to talk to me? You've barely given me the time of day lately."

She spun around and began walking again.

Jackson got in front of her, blocking the hallway. "April…please…two minutes."

"Two minutes. I'm on my way to the pit." They stepped inside an exam room.

"I'm sorry," he said, simply. "I've been a real jackass."

Taken aback by his frankness, her anger seemed to evaporate without warning, but the hurt lingered.

"Yeah, you have," she said. "What happened to Lexie was…horrible…and I understand that you still had feelings for her, but after all we've been through…and I don't just mean the whole sex thing…we're best friends…"

"You're right. No excuses. I handled things…badly. Can you forgive me?" He stroked her cheek with his fingers, cupping her chin with his hand. "Please?" His voice trailed off, "I don't want to leave like this…"

She tilted her head up at him and saw the sincerity in his eyes. She nodded.

He exhaled and pulled her to him, wrapping her in his embrace. "You are my very best friend. I'm sorry I'm leaving. And I'm sorry that things are so…unresolved. But I'm not sorry about what happened between us. I'm not sorry at all."

"Neither am I," she said. "I don't regret it and I understand. You need to go. It's okay. It is."

He looked at her gratefully. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She was overcome with the reality of him leaving, surprised by how deeply it cut. "Don't let go yet, okay?"

He pulled her closer. "Okay…"

"Our time is almost up for today," Dr. Wyatt said, "and I think it's important that we spend our last few minutes circling back to something. Owen, you've said you can not accept the possibility of another abortion. Cristina, you've said adamantly that you do not want to be a mother. So my question is this. How are you going to resolve this issue? Because I'm not sure you can move forward emotionally until you do. And then a second question. If you know what you don't want, what do you want?"

"I'll start," Cristina said. "The only thing I've ever wanted to be is a surgeon. Well, that's not quite true. I wanted to be a ballerina for about a half a minute." Owen smiled to himself, imagining her as a little girl in pink tights and a tutu. "But since my dad died, all I've ever wanted was to fix hearts. I don't want to be a mother. Not now, not ever. I do want to be your wife, though. I love you and I love being your wife. That really surprised me. I did not anticipate that. So now I want two things: to be the best cardiothoracic surgeon on the planet and to be your wife until the day I die. That's what I want."

"I want that, too," Owen said. "I want our life and I want you. More than I want kids, I want you. But you've got to give me some time because my brain is still ahead of my heart. I can't make the desire for children and my dream of being a dad just magically disappear. It's going to take some time to fully accept that my life is going to be different than I thought it was going to be. But I'll get there. I promise."

"Okay," Cristina said. "Anything else?"

"I can't handle another abortion and Dr. Wyatt's right. I'm going to be stuck until we get that resolved. We need to figure that out."

"I know," Cristina said. "And I am amazingly fertile for a woman who does not want children. It's ridiculous really. So I think I should get sterilized."

"You'd do that?" Owen asked.

"I not only would do it, I absolutely think I should be the one to do it," she said firmly. "That preserves your fertility in case anything happens to me." Seeing the look on his face she added, "I hope I live a long and wonderful life with you, but things happen. Lexie and Arizona are proof of that. I think it's the way to go. It would solve our problem and give both of us peace of mind. We need to strongly consider it."

"I think we do too," he agreed. "It's probably the right choice, but I'm not quite ready to make the decision right this second. Is that okay? It can't be undone and I need time to be sure."

"That's okay," Cristina answered, "but I think we need to decide soon." She looked to Dr. Wyatt who nodded her approval. "How about a deadline? We'll think about it this week and then discuss it thoroughly at our next session and make a decision. Together."

"You see this goblet? For me, this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on a shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, 'Of course.' But when I understand that this glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious."-Ajahn Chah