Chapter 4: What I Couldn't Help Seeing
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(So happy that the reviews are working again! Thanks for e-mailing. That was a pain in the butt! But on to better things. This is an angsty chapter, but something surprising is beginning here...)
A sudden swell of nausea brought Tetsuya awake and sent him flash stepping to the bathroom, where he dropped to his knees and succumbed to the need to violently expel everything he had eaten the night before. His ears rang so loudly, he barely heard his attendant's quick footsteps or Koji's exclamation of dismay as he slowly collapsed onto the floor.
"Tetsuya-san!" Koji cried, hurrying to Tetsuya and carefully lifting him.
He carried his unconscious charge back to bed and tucked him in comfortably.
"Is everything all right?" Koji's brother asked, peeking into the room, "Byakuya-sama felt Tetsuya-san's reiatsu seemed chaotic."
"Oh, he seems all right, but I think he has definitely conceived Shima-sama's heir. Would you mind bringing Michio? We should confirm the conception and send word to Shima adobe."
"Of course," Torio answered, flash stepping away.
Koji remained at Tetsuya's side, holding his hand and touching his face, speaking softly to him to try to bring him awake. As the healer arrived, Tetsuya flinched at the touch of his warm, wrinkled hands, groaning and rolling onto his side to be sick again.
"Well now," Michio said, patting him gently on the back, "I believe congratulations are in order."
"Oh, th-that's good," Tetsuya panted, going pale again and throwing up into the trash can, "Shima-sama will be pleased."
He laid back against the pillow, breathing slowly and sighing in relief as another attendant arrived with a serving of ginger tea.
"Arigato, Akio," Tetsuya said gratefully, accepting the tea.
"The nausea should ease up soon," Michio said soothingly, "but you will want to keep some crackers by the bed to keep something in your stomach so you don't have too much vomiting. It would make you more comfortable if we had the baby's father to infuse you with his reiatsu to keep things in better balance, but I understand that Shima-sama opted not to be involved?"
"That's right," Tetsuya confirmed softly.
"Well, I will instruct Koji how to make you more comfortable when you get out of balance. It will be fine, Tetsuya-san."
"Oh, I know it will," Tetsuya assured him, "I am feeling better already. Thank you."
Tetsuya looked up as Byakuya arrived at his bedroom door with Ichigo at his side and both dressed in their nightclothes.
"Is Tetsuya all right?" Byakuya asked in a concerned tone.
"I am fine," Tetsuya answered, looking up at the two and feeling a little twinge of sadness, "Michio has just confirmed that I am carrying the Shima heir."
Byakuya and Ichigo exchanged measured glances.
"Congratulations, watashi no itoko," Byakuya said more quietly, "I will have word sent to Shima-taicho."
"I've already sent word," Torio said as he returned to the bedroom, "and a message came back asking Tetsuya-san to lunch and tea at Shima adobe."
"What?" Tetsuya mused, frowning, "But Shima-sama doesn't want anything to do with me, I thought."
"Who sent the message?" asked Byakuya.
"The message was sent by Shima Aderia," Torio answered, "Would you like me to send a reply?"
"Ah…" Tetsuya mused, shifting uncomfortably, "I don't…"
"I think you will feel better by lunchtime," Byakuya assured him, earning a nod of agreement from the healer, "and after you left yesterday, it did seem as though Shima-taicho was apologetic about his behavior."
"W-well, if you think it best," Tetsuya answered in a non-committal tone, "But if I am going to be there for lunch, I think I will need to bathe."
He glanced at Michio, earning a nod of agreement.
"You will be fine now, my boy. Just be sure to eat plenty and have Koji-san infuse you when you feel uncomfortable. You are doing well."
"Arigato, Michio-san," Tetsuya said, allowing Koji to help him out of the bed and onto his feet. He paused for a moment, swaying and placing a hand on his head.
"Get up slowly," Michio chided him, "That will happen if you get up too quickly."
"If you are all right, then, Ichigo and I will leave you," Byakuya said.
"I am fine," Tetsuya said, shaking his head, "I will feel better after a bath."
Byakuya's face wore a guilty expression as he watched Tetsuya leave the room. Ichigo noticed and squeezed his hand as they turned back into the hallway.
"What's that all about?" he asked, "I mean, it's not like any of this is your fault. You weren't even here when Tetsuya got manipulated into this."
"No," Byakuya agreed, "but actions I have taken in the past are coming back to haunt me."
Ichigo followed him into the master suite and turned to offer him a long, penetrating kiss.
"What do you mean?" he asked, "Why should you feel bad about Tetsuya having a baby for my cousin, Kuri?"
"It is not even that," Byakuya confessed, "It is just that…yesterday, Tetsuya reminded me of something I did…a choice I made to end a relationship I had with him after Hisana's passing."
Ichigo's head tilted and his brown eyes grew curious as he followed Byakuya to their bed and the two sat down.
"You and Tetsuya were together?" he asked.
Byakuya flinched visibly.
"We were never officially together, but I did make love to him on a number of occasions. I think he just went along with me because he knew I was hurting. Tetsuya is a great comfort to a heart that is broken. He understands well because his heart has been broken badly before. I knew it was wrong and I shouldn't have used him that way, but the truth is, I needed him, and he was happy to be there for me. I just…shouldn't have ended things like that. No…I should never have…"
"Don't say that," Ichigo said, touching his fingers to Byakuya's lips, "You don't need to lie and tell me that you didn't love him. I can see, clear as day, that you did."
Byakuya gave him a stunned look and went quiet for several minutes, curling into Ichigo's arms and resting his head on his husband's shoulder.
"I did love him," Byakuya admitted finally, "But I had just lost Hisana, and I knew that if I admitted my feelings in front of the council, they would have done whatever they had to, to make him disappear. They never approved of Tetsuya. He is a constant reminder to them of the hatred and bigotry that marks our clan. The elders wanted to forget the travesty of what happened in Itamigiri. They wanted to call it isolated and write it off as a small group of idealists. But Tetsuya's presence constantly reminded them that all of that was a lie. He was there. He knows exactly what Itamigiri was."
"It sounds like you do too," Ichigo said, nuzzling his cheek affectionately, "and that's important. Tetsuya knows that you don't think like they do."
"I don't," Byakuya agreed, "but Ichigo, yesterday, when he confronted Shima-taicho and me, Tetsuya told a truth that he has never come right out and said. I think he held back because he loves me and because he doesn't ever purposely hurt anyone…not even when they're doing something wrong, as I was…as I am."
"What are you doing wrong?" asked Ichigo, "I've seen you talk to the elders. You stand up to them all of the time."
"Yes," Byakuya said more softly, "but I have never stood up to them about Tetsuya, not about Itamigiri and not any of the times he has disagreed with something they have done. I have to take responsibility for not confronting the elders directly about their treatment of him. I tried to shield him, but I never tried to stop the things they did that hurt him. In fact, I set Tetsuya up by teaching him everything about how to be like a pureblood son of the clan. And the elders were more than happy to crush his heart by making this deal with the Shima clan. Every chance they get, they push him down and try to destroy his spirits."
"C'mere," Ichigo coaxed him, lying down and bringing Byakuya to rest against his shoulder, "Try to stop thinking about it. Tetsuya's going to be fine, and if I know Kuri, he won't be able to resist someone that beautiful and someone who's having his baby."
"I just wish I could have stopped this," Byakuya whispered miserably, "Tetsuya cannot do something like this…have a child and then just let it go. This is going to destroy him, Ichigo. It is going to kill him."
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"You look beautiful, Tetsuya-san," Koji said affectionately, running a brush through the misbehaving strands of Tetsuya's wavy hair, "You haven't worn this kimono for a very long time."
Tetsuya studied the lovely blue and white patterned creation and the matching hair decoration in the mirror in front of them.
"Byakuya-sama had it made to celebrate when the Gotei 13 would have made me an officer," Tetsuya remembered, "just before the council decided that as Byakuya-sama's protector, I couldn't be distracted by an allegiance to the military. I had to choose."
"That was not an easy decision for you. I remember," Koji said, setting the brush down and stepping closer to embrace him, "I am sorry, Tetsuya-san. You would have become a taicho someday. I know Byakuya-sama was proud when you passed the entry tests at the top of your class."
"The timing was perfect," Tetsuya went on, "Byakuya-sama was just made a taicho, and I would have stepped into his place as fukutaicho. But it wasn't meant to be. I couldn't have lived with myself if I had chosen the military over him. I was so much in love with him. I should have realized how stupid that was."
"Tetsuya-san," Koji said, taking his face in gentle hands, "it wasn't a mistake for you to love Byakuya-sama. He rescued you. He guided you in growing your powers and learning everything about being a part of our clan."
"Actually, you taught me more about that," Tetsuya said, managing a sad smile, "You were the one who civilized me. I was a little savage when I arrived here."
Koji stepped out of the way of his reflection in the mirror.
"And now, you are a very beautiful and talented shinigami that anyone should be proud to marry," he said firmly.
"Except that no one wants me that way," Tetsuya whispered, moving forward and touching the reflection of his own porcelain-skinned face, "I wonder if anyone ever really sees me when they look at me."
"I think that Shima-taicho will see you if you give him time," Koji suggested, "He also lost someone he loves, and you told me how he still mourns his husband. Maybe seeing you carry this child will help him move on. Maybe…"
"You are very kind, Koji-san," Tetsuya said, kissing him on the cheek, "I am sorry, but I must go now."
Koji watched through troubled green eyes as Tetsuya left the room.
"I hope Shima-taicho comes to his senses soon," Koji whispered, "He doesn't know what he is throwing away."
Tetsuya waved Arashi off as the stallion approached him in the gardens.
"It's okay," he said dismissively, "I have time to walk, and it's good for the baby."
As you wish, master, Arashi whispered into his mind, flipping his tail in annoyance as he trotted away.
"Sorry, Arashi."
Tetsuya continued along the pathway out of the gardens and took the long way, through the blossoming plum orchards, letting his mind wander over everything that had happened.
It was kind of Aderia-san to invite me over. I don't expect Shima-sama will be there. He has little use for me and will probably avoid me. But Aderia-san and Magdelina-sama are very kind people.
Tetsuya brushed the back of one hand over his forehead, annoyed at himself for taking the longer path when the weather was warm and would make him sweat more.
I don't want to arrive, looking like the savage I am inside. That wouldn't be proper at all.
The words made him feel cold inside.
I don't know why I went to such lengths to fit in. Even looking and acting like them isn't enough to make the elders accept me. Byakuya-sama and I were just naïve teens, thinking that if he trained me and I learned their ways, they would accept me. Byakuya-sama's heart was in the right place, but those stuffy old men and women only know one way. And it doesn't include accepting people like me.
I am the reason that pureblood sons and daughters cheapen their blood.
I am the reason that pure blood is wasted upon the Rukongai.
Tetsuya felt tears in his eyes and stopped at a little lake and waterfall on the edge of the Shima estate, bending carefully at the edge to gather some water to wash his face. He looked up in surprise at hearing approaching footsteps, and sensing the presence of the Shima leader.
"Oh, I don't know about this," Tetsuya whispered, "Aderia-san didn't say he would be here."
He employed his waterform, making his body nearly transparent, then slipped into the lake, concealing himself beneath the surface and observing as Kurushimi approached the water, holding a towel in his hand.
Oh no…
Tetsuya would have blushed if he hadn't been shrouded in the water. He wanted to close his eyes, but couldn't escape the forced view that his waterform gave him as the handsome Shima leader undressed and stepped into the water.
Please don't let him sense me. I will never be able to look him in the face again!
Shima-sama is a very handsome man.
This is what I could not see when he was breeding me.
A dizzy feeling spread all over Tetsuya's waterform and he felt a twinge of concern it could shatter and expose him. He was glad for not being in his shinigami form, knowing that his heart would be pounding madly and he would have forgotten to breathe anyway as Kurushimi moved in long, graceful steps, his ample genitals moving as gracefully as the rest of him. With caramel skin that would have to taste sweet and his brown hair tumbling down loose around his shoulders, he was the image of masculine beauty.
Oh kami, I think I will pass out and he'll find me here! Tetsuya worried.
But he managed to keep enough composure that his waterform held as Kuri rubbed soft soap over his strong, muscular shoulders, proud chest and dusky, erect nipples. His hand slid down his soft belly and Tetsuya felt his waterform quiver warningly as he caressed his nether region, then ran his soapy hands over his round bottom and down each long leg.
I'm going to be late for lunch, Tetsuya mused in the only lucid thought he seemed able to muster, Maybe I should just send a hell butterfly telling Aderia-san I am too ill to visit. Oh, I can't look at him after this! I will die!
Tetsuya felt his awareness begin to fade as Kurushimi left the waterfall and emerged, dripping long streams of water from his face, hands and lightly blushing genitals. He picked up the towel and shocked Tetsuya's barely functional waterform all over again with a lovely display of him rubbing that soft, warm fabric over every inch of his sinfully beautiful flesh. Tetsuya was left weak and shaking all over when the man finally wrapped the towel around his waist and started to walk away.
Tetsuya's waterform shattered and he crawled out of the water, panting and shaking, and too flustered to be able to separate the water from his drenched kimono. He sat on the shore for several minutes, composing himself, before climbing onto still trembling legs and turning for home. He hadn't taken three steps when a strong hand came down on his shoulder from behind, and he whirled to find himself looking into Kurushimi's furious turquoise eyes.
"What are you doing here?" Kuri demanded in an enraged tone, "Were you here the whole time, watching me?"
For a moment, Tetsuya stared back at him wordlessly.
"Answer me, bastardo!" he snapped, holding Tetsuya tightly in place and shaking him as he spoke.
"I…I am s-sorry!" Tetsuya managed, his teeth chattering uncontrollably and his legs quivering under the weight of the Shima leader's burgeoning reiatsu, "It was a m-mistake! Aderia-s-san invited me when she learned I was p-pregnant with your heir! I s-saw you approaching and knew you didn't want t-to see me, so I used a waterform to hide in the water."
"Why didn't you say something?" Kuri demanded, "You should have told me you were there!"
Tetsuya gulped in a ragged breath, but froze, trying to think of an answer.
"What do you want from me?" Kuri asked in a scathing tone, "Our contract is just for an heir, not this…this…!"
"I'm sorry!" Tetsuya whispered, closing his eyes, "I know you can't stand to look at me! I didn't mean for it to happen, Shima-sama. Please forgive me!"
"Look at me when I am talking to you!" Kuri fumed, making Tetsuya's eyes open and look up at him again.
Kuri stared raptly into Tetsuya's wet, sapphire eyes as a sudden flare of reiatsu blossomed brightly between them. His wonder turned to shock as he felt the compelling touch of a powerful resonance. Unable to stop himself, he plunged into Tetsuya's mouth, plundering it forcefully and reeling at the sweetness of scent and flavor as their tongues collided. Tetsuya struggled in his grip, breaking away after several moments and offering Kuri a terrified look before escaping in a haze of blistering flash steps.
"Tetsuya, stop!" he called after the feeling concubine, "Come back!"
He flash stepped after Tetsuya, holding on to the towel around his waist, but was forced to end the pursuit a few minutes later, when Tetsuya's reiatsu suddenly disappeared. He sat down on a thick stump, working to catch his breath and brushing sweat from his face.
"Damn it!"
Why in the hell did I react that way to him?
What have I done?
I think I scared the life out of him.
Why does he have to be so fucking beautiful carrying my child?
This was a horrible mistake.