Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. -Paul Boese
I explain everything to Alex in a clearing not too far from the house. Meanwhile, Ben and Kyle continue to run the perimeter, occasionally chiming in with any information I forget in my sleep-deprived haze.
Alex doesn't react. He somehow blocks me out, and I can't even tell what he's thinking. That shouldn't surprise me, the kid is great at shutting people out. He just sits there and absorbs everything. Like a sponge. I'm really tired.
Brian, you can go home. Ben and I will stay with Alex, Kyle offers.
I appreciate the offer, but still say, Thanks, but I stayed for the rest of you. I'm fine.
Maybe I'll stay home tomorrow and sleep. Crap, we have that lab in Chem and I can't leave Taylor.
Hello? I thought you were telling me about these Volturi people? Alex says, speaking for the first time.
I finish explaining everything to the sponge, and finally pause to say, There it is. Any questions?
Just one, he says. No, wait. Two.
Two? I had about a million, but whatever. What? I ask.
So it's not a drug gang?
He seriously thought I was a drug dealer. That actually hurts.
Aw, I hurt wittle Brian's fweelings, he says in a mock-baby voice. It certainly explained how you finally have friends. Though becoming a mythical creature is another logical explanation.
Again, I'm hurt. Unfortunately, I can't block Alex out the way he's doing with me, so he gets to see how hurt I am. Fantastic.
What's your other question? I ask, hoping it won't make me want to break something.
How come you get to be the Alpha wolf? He asks.
Huh. It's a serious question, but one I didn't expect. I'd have thought he'd ask why the Volturi want us to be guard dogs or how they plan to do that. I wonder about that all the time. Or maybe he'd be wondering about our little friend that burnt down Newton's. Or maybe he'd be wondering why he phased when we haven't seen the bloodsucker in months, not counting today's old trail.
I really don't care about any of that, to be honest, he snaps. Plus it makes sense that I phased.
Huh. It's no surprise that he doesn't care about anything, but what does he mean it makes sense?
Maybe because there's a whole family of vampires living down the street? Alex suggests as rudely as he can.
Oh. I sort of forgot about that.
Aw, Brian has more mythical creature friends! He says, making fun of me again. How nice!
I remind myself I don't want to hurt Alex (or do I?) and answer his original question.
Being Alpha is a lineage thing, I explain. The last Alpha was Uncle Jake, but since he left La Push for so long it went to his sisters.
How come it's not John, then? Alex asks.
Because of Dad, I say. He had a better claim than Uncle Paul.
But why is you and not me? Alex says shortly.
I guess because I'm older, I say.
Alex is still blocking me out, so I have no idea what he's thinking. Then, without warning, he attacks me.
The guys and I usually spar with each other a few times a week, just to be ready if we get into a bloodsucker brawl. But this is different. I've never tried to actually hurt any of them.
I try to hurt Alex. I want Alex to hurt as much as he's hurt me. Somewhere in the back of my head I hear Ben and Kyle yelling for us to stop, but we ignore them.
This has to be the worst fight in the history of brother fights, because it is both a physical and mental battle. With every bite or scratch comes a memory of Mom, Molly, Dad; I want Alex to know how much he's hurt them.
But in watching my own memories, I realize it's me that's been hurt the most. I thought I was being selfless as I hated Alex for hurting Mom, but the truth is, it has always been about me. It's about Alex liking John more than me. It's about Alex having more friends than me, and wasting that gift to be locked in his room. It's about Alex giving up the chance to play basketball with Dad, something my human motor skills never allowed. It's about Molly liking Alex more than me. It's about Mom giving Alex my hot chocolate so that he wouldn't be angry.
The more I hurt Alex, the more I break down his defenses, and soon his memories are tumbling out as well. Mom hanging up one of my fourth grade spelling tests on the refrigerator. Dad bragging about me to his friends. Molly telling him to play the games I taught her. Teachers saying, "Oh. You're Brian's brother," in disappointed voices. Mom asking why he can't be more like me.
That's when I finally realize what Alex's problem is.
I push him on his back, and before he can throw me off, I order, Stop, in my Alpha voice. Alex freezes under me.
What the hell? He gasps.
Perks of being Alpha, I say. Alex comments on that using the same choice words I used in the kitchen.
I get off of him and say, You can get up when you want, as kindly as I can.
I sit beside him as, true to form, he takes his good, sweet time standing up. It gives me a chance to do a quick internal check. My one leg kills, but I don't think it's broken because I can put weight on it. I have about a dozen bruises in the making, and probably a few decent scars too.
I got you good, didn't I? Alex brags. But he's in pain too. His back leg is nearly on fire, it hurts so bad. He's bleeding on his side and probably has about as many bruises as I do.
Knowing we'll both be healed in an hour or so, I turn my attention to the real issue at hand. Is that really the problem, Alex? I know the answer, but can't believe it.
No, he lies. His defenses are completely down, so I know I'm right. Knowing that, Alex comes clean.
Fine, okay, you're right. Happy? He snaps.
Not really, I admit. You've been shutting everyone out because of me?
Well when you say it like that, it sounds really bad, he grumbles. But kinda.
Alex-
Look, Brian, he says. For my entire life everyone has compared me to you. Is it wrong to be jealous of my perfect brother? You're nice, smart, everyone likes you-
I laugh morbidly. In what world does everyone like me? You're the one who thought I drugged people to get friends!
Adults like you, he clarifies. And who cares what kids think-
I do, I admit. It would be nice if I wasn't the most hated kid in school.
It's high school, Alex continues, no one will even remember this in ten years. In the real world, people are going to like you.
Wow. He really thinks that?
Yes, I do! Alex insists. And meanwhile, all my teachers and even Mom and Dad wish I was you!
So you pushed everyone away? Why?
I don't know, he admits. I didn't want anyone comparing me to you. I didn't realize I was hurting everyone.
I don't really know what to say, because it's the truth. But what hurt everyone the most is that we miss the old Alex. The nice Alex who used to help Mom make dinner and ask me for help with homework and play with Molly.
Really? Alex asks. I didn't think anyone cared about that Alex.
I was really jealous of him, I admit.
Yeah, right, he grumbles.
Alex, I can't lie to you, I remind him. Honestly, I wanted to be you so bad! You had tons of friends, everyone liked you, Dad always played basketball with you, you were Mom's favorite, Molly liked you more-
I guess I was pretty cool, he agrees.
Then maybe you should go back to that, I suggest.
Maybe.
Aw, well isn't this like a Hallmark movie! Kyle says. Honestly I forgot he and Ben were there.
Caught up in the moment, huh? Kyle teases.
Shut up, Kyle! Alex and I think at the same time.
Hey, how does that Alpha command thing work again? Alex asks, thinking of a few things we could do to get back at Kyle.
Aw, come on, guys I was just kidding! Kyle swears.
Just remember, I didn't make fun of you at all, Ben insists. I'd never call you guys a Hallmark movie.
Maybe we should do something to Ben, just to bug him, I joke.
You better be joking, Ben says nervously.
He is, Alex promises. Or is he?
For the rest of the night, the four of us joke around. It's weird being able to interact with Alex like we used to. He quickly reverts back to the fun-loving brother I used to know, and I can't complain. Hallmark movie or not, I'm thrilled to have my brother back.
The weak morning sun peeks over the treetops, and Ben and Kyle phase back so they can go to school.
That doesn't seem too hard, Alex observes. He then tries to phase with no success.
Just relax, I say. Let your mind go blank-
He's human before I finish. Impressive. I phase back too, and tell him that verbally. "I think you're the fastest to phase back yet! Not counting me, of course."
Alex doesn't seem to hear me and deliberately avoids looking at me. I don't have to hear his thoughts to know what he's thinking; his face is enough.
"Yeah, I know. It's weird," I say, pulling my pants on.
"Little bit," he grumbles. "What am I supposed to do?"
"I keep an extra pair of sweatpants in that bush over there." Alex quickly grabs the snow-covered pants and puts them on.
As he does, I take a look at my remaining bruises from our fight last night. They should be gone within the hour, but I have a few scars that look like they might linger for the rest of the day.
"Shit, they're cold!" Alex cries, jumping around in his frozen pants.
"It's that or go streaking," I remind him.
"Do you think the neighbors would mind?" he jokes.
I laugh. "You might give Ms. Call a heart attack!"
He shrugs, then together we walk out of the forest and into our backyard. I notice he doesn't have as many scars and bruises as I do, but he does have a large, mostly healed gash in his side.
"Does that hurt?" I ask as we cross the backyard to the door.
Pulling open the door, he shrugs. "Not really."
"Well hello there!" Dad says cheerfully, looking up from his breakfast. "Everything go okay?"
"Yeah," I yawn. I'm now going on three nights without sleep. Chem is going to be torture. At least it's Friday, so I can sleep in tomorrow…
"You boys must be hungry," Mom says. She says that every morning after I run. Mom loves handing me a plate full of bacon, eggs, and waffles, and I love it too. Alex sits down immediately and digs in. Meanwhile, I grab a mug and pour myself some coffee.
"I thought you didn't like coffee," Mom says curiously.
I take a sip and wince at the bitter taste. "I don't, but I can barely keep my eyes open."
"Maybe you should stay home today, honey," she suggests, pouring some cream into my coffee. That kind of helps the taste.
"I can't. I have a Chem lab," I yawn.
"You have to sleep sometimes, Brian," Dad reminds me.
"But I can't ditch Taylor on a lab day," I insist.
Dad smirks and nods. "I understand. Good thing I wasn't the smart one."
"How many times did I have to teach you everything the day before a test?" Mom laughs.
"Far too many. Especially since you actually made me study!" Dad laughs accusingly.
"Well one of us needed to be responsible." Mom whacks him jokingly with a copy of the newspaper.
After sharing a smile with his high school sweetheart, Dad turns to Alex and me. "Funny story, boys. The neighbors almost called animal control last night."
"Why?" Alex asks.
"Apparently it sounded like some wild animals were attacking something," he says casually. "Or each other?" He stares pointedly at Alex's side and my scars.
Alex and I exchange smirks.
"Yeah, I beat up Brian. You know how it is." Alex shrugs.
I snort. "Please. Have you looked at your side? I kicked your butt!"
"I was just tiring you out," he insists. "I would have won if you hadn't cheated!"
"Probably," I admit.
Mom bites her lip, but doesn't say anything.
"Mom, we would never really hurt each other," I insists.
Alex coughs, "Liar."
I shoot him a glare, and he looks down at his eggs, smirking.
"They didn't call, right?" I ask Dad. He shakes his head.
Alex looks up. "Do I really get to miss school?" he asks eagerly.
Dad nods. "Just until Brian thinks you can handle yourself."
Alex cocks his head thoughtfully. "You know, that could take me a while. I do have an attitude problem."
"You have one week and if you hurt anyone, I'll kill you." My threat is ruined by another yawn.
Alex groans. "Then I guess I should sleep while I can." He stands up, takes his dish to the sink, and heads for his room. But before he leaves the kitchen, he says, "Thanks for breakfast, Mom!"
She stares at him, flabbergasted. "You're welcome, honey."
As soon as his bedroom door clicks shut she looks at with an accusatory glare. "Okay, what did you do to him?" she demands.
"Nothing!" I promise. "Well, I gave him that scar, but otherwise nothing. We just talked."
"Some conversation," she marvels.
"It really was." I look at the clock. "Shoot, I have to go or I'll be late."
"You wouldn't want to miss Chem," Dad teases.
"Absolutely not," I say, rushing to my room for a shirt and shoes.